Discussing That Thing

I can't even describe how hard it was for me to hit "Publish" on this. And this is honestly the last time I would like to address the whole topic. Whether it will be is a horse of another color.

As if this will come as a surprise to anyone, I was a strange child. Like I have said before (see this and this), I spent much of my time with my nose in medical books or pulling out our encyclopedias and reading up on diseases. I knew way too much for my own good at a young age about diseases. I remember one day in sixth grade we played Jeopardy and I was the only one in the entire sixth grade who knew that the other term for "lockjaw" was tetanus. Or it was vice versa; I don't remember because I try to put as much of sixth grade out of my head as possible. Either way, despite my hand up in the air to answer the question, no one called on me and we ended up losing. Oh well, their loss, right? If they would have just called on me, we would have won.

Anyway, now is the time to drag myself into super uncomfortable territory. Another thing I distinctly remember from my childhood is having an inexplicable obsession with wheelchairs. Why? I honestly cannot say why. I just did. I remember one time in third grade, one of my classmates saying he wished he was in a wheelchair and I was astonished that someone felt the same as I did. Now whether he was serious, I have no idea. But I wasn't joking.

Now that my memory has gone straight to hell, it's hard for me to recall just how much this has been in my life, but I do recall that there were times over the years where I alternated between wishing I was actually disabled and fearing ending up in one. In tenth grade, right when I was starting driver's ed, my mother and I got into a car accident. It wasn't a bad one, but I had never been involved in one before, so needless to say it shook me up pretty bad (and is also probably the reason why I am not someone who drives far distances). Then 4 months later, my parents and I were rear-ended. And somewhere between both of those accidents, I developed a terrible fear of getting into an accident (any kind- car, fall, etc) and becoming paralyzed. Or getting shot and becoming paralyzed. It was all I thought about 24-7 and I was nearly having panic attacks whenever I was in a car or out in public because I was so terrified of it happening. Not long after I was put on Effexor and the anxiety pretty much disappeared.

I don't remember what happened with it after that. But I do remember the fear of MS surfacing in 2005. Then I obsessed over that and was terrified that I had it and would end up in a wheelchair, and then sometime during that the fear of being paralyzed resurfaced as well.

I think it was sometime after those fears both disappeared that That Thing appeared. I don't remember how long it lasted the first time around, but I remember it going away at some point and then re-appearing in 2011. It's a shame that when it went away the second time it didn't stay away forever. It just strikes me as odd that it comes and goes.

I think around the first time it appeared, I had stumbled across a blog of someone who felt the same way. I talked with the writer for a little bit and he referred me to another blogger who I also talked with a bit. They were both on a different level than me- they actually lived the life of the disability they wanted. Which I think was the same as me, but I don't remember. I can't bring myself to do that. Have I thought about it? Yes. God yes. Just once I would like to. And I can't even begin to list how many times I have had dreams of being in one and in every dream, I distinctly remember the same thing crossing my mind- I feel right.

And if I recall from those blogs, the writers did get slack from actual disabled people over it. I don't like that. I understand their argument to a degree, why would someone wish for something like that. But it's not their place to judge. It's not their place to stand there and condemn someone for not feeling right in their own body. I am pretty sure every single person who wishes to be disabled understands that life would not be easy. If anyone of them have done as much reading on it as me, then they know it's not pretty. It can be downright fucking ugly. And yes, of course none of us can really grasp what it's like until it's actually experienced. But still. If any of these people feel the same anxiety, distress and shame that I do over it, the last thing they need is to be criticized and condemned for it. Our wanting this does not affect them. And yes, they may have not chosen to have it happen to them, but it isn't our fault it happened to them. I'd say these people all need to have a fucking seat, but then I'd probably get torn another hole for being politically incorrect.

I have made it blatantly clear how I feel about amputations and how I would react if I were to ever face having one, so I can't say I understand why people would wish to have limbs amputated. But am I going to judge and criticize them for it? No, because I understand that they don't feel right in their current bodies and that is distressing enough.

Whenever I am out in public, I look around at people and I wonder, is there anyone in front of me who feels the same way? Or am I the only one? I just look at people and envy them, envy them for not having strange thoughts and for being grateful that they are able-bodied. I feel like a monster and a freak for having these thoughts. I don't want to have them. I don't even want to discuss it with a therapist one day because I am so ashamed of it. Actually having to verbally say it out loud will be extremely difficult for me to do. And the sad thing is, I know that there is a part of me that doesn't really want this. Let's be real- if I got into an accident and realized I couldn't feel my legs, I'd probably freak the fuck out. Because I am just that type of person- always wanting what I don't have, then not wanting it when I do.

Also, when this resurfaces, it really brings out the abasiophiliac side of me. I have already openly admitted that on a normal basis I have somewhat of an attraction to men with certain disabilities, but damn does it flare up when That Thing flares up.