Random Thoughts

I still want to be on vacation. It's been too damn hot in my neck of the woods. We had crazy storms on Friday that were supposed to cool everything down, but I thought it was still pretty hot.

My sister and I were in Wegmans when one of the worst storms came over. It was like a freaking monsoon outside. And then the power went out. I wanted to freak out.

We took a trip down Seaside on Saturday. Not much has changed. Still a bunch of disgusting fat people in bikinis, people who can't speak English (and break the rules in the bathrooms; there was a Spanish lady washing her kid in the sink, despite a big sign saying no washing of feet in sink right smack dab in the front of her, but I guess you will break rules when you refuse to learn English, right?), and New Yawkers. Oh and teen girls everywhere trying to get the attention of the Durrrsey Shur cast (who thankfully were not anywhere in sight).

I also happened to notice one of the piers was blasting "Feliz Navidad". Why, I have no idea.

I still do not understand the sudden influx of fatties in bikinis. Not just in Seaside, but down the other shore points and down in Myrtle Beach. I always used to say that just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. Well, I would also like to add that just because you can get it on does not mean it fits nor should you wear it. For god's sake, no one wants to see your flab flopping all over the place. I know I have severe body image problems, so it should come as no surprise that it still takes a lot for me to want to put a bathing suit on. I am half the size of a lot of these fatties in bikinis and I still refuse to wear a bikini. And never will. I am not built for one.

I was starting to feel somewhat happy with my body, but now I am finding myself disliking it more and more again. I hate that I am never going to be happy with my body. I do realize that there are things I can't change, like how I have tree trunk legs and that my abs will never be flat due to my never-ending battle with constipation. Does that mean I have to like it? No.

It would be nice if one day I could find one redeeming quality about myself. This is a big part of the problem I have when it comes to job hunting. I cannot sell myself. I have never had a job where I did anything spectacular. This is why I bombed the Target interview so bad. Every question they asked me about things I did at a former job, I never did. If I didn't like how something was being done, I just sucked it up and did it. If I had a problem with another employer, I didn't bother going to a manager to complain, because I knew nothing would ever be done anyway. I have nothing to brag about. My former employers raved about me, but that does not help me in interviews. Oh, and I have never had a job I have been proud of. I generally do the best job I can, but this also does not help me in interviews. All I want to do when I go into interviews is say, look, I cannot sell myself to you, but if you hire me, you have my word that you will not be sorry.

It just astonishes me that I allowed someone to break me down as bad I am. And it angers me that I allowed it to happen and continue to allow it to bother me. I am fully aware that I need to move on. But actually doing so is a whole other story. I get tired of people telling me that it's just words, blah blah blah. I was 12 years-old. Being teased at that age about your body is like pressing your finger in clay before it completely hardens. The clay will harden, but that finger hole will still be there.

I just finished reading one of James Patterson's latest books and there was part where the main character talks about what happened to her breaking her down, and when she was put back together, she was not the same person. And I realized that should I ever be able to finally pull it together again, I will never be the same person. Now if it's a much better person, then hell I am all for it. I never quite got it completely together after the first breakdown I had, but what I did get back together, I can vouch that I was still not the same person. Then again, I truly believe that I am not the same person after quitting Effexor. And I wish there was a way to fix that. Now I know I have said I would never put Effexor near my mouth again, but if it takes going back on Effexor to restore some of what I was before I quit it, I would do it. I just want to feel normal again.

I still seem to be doing good with finally believing that I do not have Addison's disease. Or else I have just finally reached the point where I stopped giving a shit. Will it continue to last? Will another "disease crisis" come along that will make me wish I was still scared I had Addison's? I just went and read back through last summer's posts when I was scared I had a stress fracture. It sounds so miniscule, but I really was truly terrified that I had one. And do you know why it freaked me out so much? Because even though it would have been temporary, the idea of losing my independence made me want to lose my freaking mind. Oh, and I was afraid of weight gain. That was one of the things that made me freak out at the idea of having Addison's. It's horrible and it's so vain, but I am truly that terrifed of gaining weight.

On another note, when I was down Seaside, some dude walked by me with a giant tattoo on his chest of what I assume is one of his brats. And it was creepy as hell. Okay, I can understand people wanting to remember someone who died or whatever, but tattoos of people's faces are just creepy. I just looked at it and thoughts oh god why?!

And speaking of creepy, check out this picture from last week's Best Photos Of The Week on the Berry. That was one of the best galleries I have ever seen; I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. But there was something about that particular picture that made me laugh the hardest. I think it may have been the FML added at the end.

I am so wired right now. And just waiting for the inevitable crash.