Random Thoughts

Well, it's back home again. What a crazy vacation. The good points? The weather was gorgeous, except for two nights when it rained off and on. Plenty of good food. I kept with my exercise regimen the entire time I was there. Every morning, my butt was on the elliptical. I found a pair of ear plugs from a temp job I had a couple summers and used them at bedtime, so I was able to sleep, except for my usual insomnia. I also did not experience one episode of orthostatic hypotension the entire week I was there. No erractic heartbeats, despite the massive amounts of caffeine I consumed. In fact, last week was the best I have felt in a very long time (aside from having PMS). It was like my entire body reset itself somehow. There was a waiter at Liberty Steakhouse at Broadway At The Beach who reminded me of Andrew (I grumbled and cursed the hostess under my breath the entire time we were there that she did not seat us in his section. Because I would have felt obligated to say something, whether out loud or written on the check. What? If you look like Andrew, you need to be informed!) Oh, and not that anyone cares, but my period was expected to come, but did not come until Saturday.

The bad points? It was senior week. My sister and my brother-in-law were royal pains in the asses. I got a sore throat the second to last day. I got major sunburn on my chest. I think if I had just gotten a speck more of burn, I would have had sun poison. And between burning and tanning, I now have about 65 million more freckles. I like freckles, don't get me wrong, but come on. I already have a gazillion across my shoulders and back. I do not need anymore.

My sister and my brother-in-law are very annoying to go on vacation with, between his constantly want to rush everything and her ever-growing princess mentality. His constant little snide remarks regarding my parents was really starting to grate on my nerves. I wanted to turn to him and say "look buddy, you haven't earned your right to bitch about your in-laws". And my sister bitched to me today that my father did not even thank my brother-in-law until yesterday for driving home on Friday. Uh, does he thank my father for driving us down there? No. And why should my father thank him for driving, when my brother-in-law only offers to drive to get himself home quicker, not to give my father a break from driving? Does he thank my parents for all of the food they buy that he hogs? He ate so much of the damn food my parents brought. Then he buys himself food and doesn't offer anyone any of it. Have I gotten one thank you for helping to pack up and move YOUR and YOUR WIFE'S THINGS into YOUR NEW HOUSE? No! I have not!

And my sister is turning into such a high-maintenance bitch. I don't know what the hell her problem is anymore, but one of these days I am going to knock her on her ass.

But overall, it was a nice vacation. I'd much rather be in Myrtle Beach than here. Sometimes I think I would like to move there, but living there would take all of the fun out of it. Not that we ever do anything that exciting, but it is a change in scenary. Plus, moving there would be a bitch on my hair. My hair is hard enough to maintain here. Straightening my hair takes an act of god. I could not keep my hair straight for anything down there. I'd straighten it and no sooner would I step outside and it would start curling again. And it was not even humid like it normally is when we go! I guess it was why there were so many curly-haired guys around. Every time I turned around, there was a guy with curly hair. My ovaries were about to explode.

Speaking of exploding ovaries, check out the new MGMT post on ONTD. That picture! It's so hypnotizing! It's so beautiful! He's so beautiful! *starts sobbing* I can't look away!

Anyway, the past couple days have been so hectic since coming home, because my mother is in rare form and is just freaking out about everything. Which is making me feel really stressed out and making me want to run off and go on a vacation myself. I'd always like to do that, go on a vacation myself. But I'm too chicken shit to do it. Too chicken shit to take risks ever. I wouldn't say my parents were overprotective, but they, particularly my mother, instilled a lot of fear in me growing up. I can't recall a time in my life I have ever taken a risk.

I am starting to notice another negative trait about myself when it comes to people. I noticed that I have a tendency to put people I admire on a very high pedestal. And the criteria to remain on that pedestal is very picky and strict. And when someone fails to meet those requirements, I am very quick to kick them off. And generally that failure has something to do with my own self-esteem.

I  just do not understand myself. And yesterday was probably the closest I came to in a long time of wanting to harm myself. And I don't mean cutting myself or banging my head against something (which I have been good not doing but did again on vacation) or binging and purging (which I have done 3 times in the past 3 weeks. And I am very, VERY angry at myself for it). I mean suicide. And it was terrifying feeling that way. I am miserable from being home, from how my sister behaved on vacation, from not having a job, pretty much from a lot of things. And then it had to be Father's Day and the same bullshit every holiday. I shut my bedroom door, put my music up really loud, and I started crying so hard I was choking. I was so angry and I had so much adrenaline rushing through my body that I can fully understand how a mother can pick a car off of a child, because I could have probably have done that yesterday.

I am tired of this bullshit every holiday. And my mother and I went out and met up with my aunt and grandparents and the whole time I felt bad for going out. And angry at myself for allowing myself to feel bad. It's my father's fault. He doesn't want to be around them, but I want to be around my 87 year-old grandfather on Father's Day! So why did I allow and still allow myself to feel bad that I went out and didn't spend the day with him when he is the one who wants to be an ass and not be around his in-laws? And then we were planning to go to dinner with my grandfather and they ended up going themselves. So my mom and I ended up at the diner. I had Father's Day dinner with my mom.

Oh and the erratic heart beats were back again. What in the hell was different on vacation that I did not have them? I certainly wasn't relaxed on vacation. I still was stressed out constantly. NJ is probably making me sick. It is a pretty toxic state.