Random Thoughts

Can I hit myself for eating so bad this weekend? I went to Friendly's for lunch on Friday (whom I may be breaking up with again; who? whom? why is it I did my 12 years of school, 29 credits of college and I still cannot get the hang of who vs. whom?) and I wasn't going to eat dinner, but then I ended up eating pizza for dinner. Saturday I went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. My lower left side hurts like all holy hell. I feel like I am pregnant. Goddamn me for being so stupid! *cries*

And not only do I feel horrible physically from overeating, but I feel guilty for overeating.

I am also annoyed with myself because for the past few days, I have been self-pitying on a very unhealthy level. It does not help that I just saw something earlier that exacerbated it. And it pisses me off that I am actually allowing something like this to make me feel bad. It's so ridiculous! I feel so fucking stupid! Someone my age should not get upset over something like this. How can you know that what you're feeling is irrational, yet still feel it?

I also have to keep reminding myself, particularly when I start thinking of harming myself in response to this, that IT WILL NOT MATTER ONE DAY. I went through something sort of similar before, and while the hurt felt like it was never going to end (it took 7 fucking months to go away), it did eventually end. And now I could care less.

I was laying in bed the other night and I was thinking about how when I was created, something got seriously fucked up. Parts are missing, parts are not functioning properly, too many of certain parts. And then I started running through everything that is wrong:

- I have no idea how to be in love with another person
- I have no idea how to empathize or sympathize properly. I either do it when I shouldn't or I don't do it when I should. Or I do it when I should, but just do not do it properly.
- I have no idea how to grieve properly. It should not take someone years to finally be able to cry over someone's death.
- I feel guilty over everything
- I cry over everything
- I flip out over the most ridiculous things
- I get jealous over the stupidest, most embarrassing things
- I have no ambition, mostly because I have just about given up on life
- I don't care about other people's problems, but expect everyone to care about mine (although I think everyone brushing off mine was what lead to this)
- I am fine with someone until they do something I perceive as annoying or stupid, and then I dislike them immensely, although it never lasts for long and then I am fine with them again
- I find fault in everyone
- I misconstrue everything as an attack on me somehow
- I immediately consider self-harm when someone attacks me
- I let people walk all over me
- I have no idea how to stand up for myself
- I have too short of a temper
- I always worry too much about not hurting other people rather than worrying about my well-being
- I get embarrassed and feel stupid too easily
- I am almost completely incapable of discussing my problems with other people
- I am too easily influenced with my feelings. If someone came up to me right now and told me I was fat, I would believe them, despite the fact that my weight is in a healthy weight range.
- I am completely incapable of making the simplest decisions. Deciding what to eat for lunch stresses me out to the point that I lose my patience and snap out on people. Just imagine the level of difficulty in making decisions like what to pursue a career in. It's nearly impossible. Why do I have such a difficult time making decisions? I really have no idea. 

I could be here forever. And one thing I really cannot tolerate is how I constantly feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions at one time. It makes no sense to worry so much about something happening to a loved one to the point that you want to projectile vomit repeatedly while simultaneously hating them and wishing they would leave you alone. I want things, but then when I get them, I do not want them anymore.

When we were at Friendly's on Friday, they had CNN on the TV and a report came on about that young lady who contracted the flesh eating virus. I told my mother and my sister that if something like that ever happened to me, I do not want any amputations. And they were kind of confused at first, and I said "it means I would rather die". They started to give me a hard time about it and I just kept saying "no, I would rather die". And I would. Maybe someone else could be fine with it, but I know I would not be. A leg or foot or left arm or left hand, okay, yeah maybe. Anything more than that....no. This is why I want an advanced directive.

No one knows how much time I have spent obsessing over this fear. It is one of my biggest fears.

And if I had thought about it, I would have said "oh, and who would plan on taking care of me?". That would have shut them both up. After all, we are not my sister's responsibility. Which is true, yes, but the fact that we always have to drop everything to cater to her when she is sick or needs help with something. Look at last year, when my parents and I went down the shore for the weekend- she wasn't feeling good and her husband was off with his band, and she was pissed that no one stayed home to stay with her. I was like are you for real? You are a 31 year-old nurse who is now married. And she is moving soon and who is doing all of the packing with her? My mom and me. Not her husband, not her in-laws. Just the two of us. This is what I am talking about. Everyone, particularly my parents, just drops everything to cater to her all the time. She wants something done, my parents help her. She wants to go somewhere, my parents take her if hubby can't. I honestly believe that if she had said she was the one that wanted to go to Musikfest, my parents would have taken us. And they wonder why she is such a fucking princess. 

Also on Friday, we were helping my sister pack up things to move and my sister and I were sitting in the living room when we heard stuff fall and slide across the floor in the spare bedroom, where my mom was working on packing. So I got up and went in to see what happened, only to find my mother on the floor on her side with her eyes closed. And when I said "Mom?", she didn't respond. I was about to freak out. And them my sister came in and same thing. Then finally she responded. I don't know if she had just been stunned from falling or was just being a drama queen, because she wasn't knocked out or anything to not respond. But it scared the hell out of me. I got really bad pains across my stomach and I started to feel like I was going to black out and had to go sit down.

And then of course, I started to get upset at feeling so bad and immediately "OMG it's Addison's" popped into my head, that not producing enough cortisol lead to the horrible feeling. I am starting to believe that this fear is never going to go away. Oddly enough, earlier after I saw the thing that made me feel bad, I thought god, sometimes I wish I did have it.