Random Thoughts

For all of the long ass time I had to wait for it, my 3 weeks with Congratulations went quick. I didn't want to return it, and even had a brief moment of insanity where I thought of holding it hostage, but then I remembered how annoyed I was waiting for it and didn't want the next person to get annoyed as well, so I returned it. An hour and a half before the library closed.

I read a couple articles on that singer who is becoming a woman and I have to say, I was a bit surprised at how many people felt sorry for the wife. I mean, I guess I can see why they would, but if I had a husband who decided he wanted to become a woman, I would be okay with it. I wouldn't see that as a reason to divorce him. Maybe I am completely wrong, but it just seems kind of stupid to divorce over, because ultimately it just seems like the main problem comes down to physical attraction and sex. And I guess as someone who has been celibate for so long, the issue of sex kind of just doesn't matter. I also couldn't imagine leaving someone going through the mental anguish of feeling like they are in the wrong body, because I have experienced similar body disturbances (although not gender-related), and it's a suffocating, torturous feeling.

I do have to say that he makes a pretty good looking woman.

Jesus....what is with the fucking flashing lights out of the corner of my right eye?!

Ugh, why does it seem like I finally am free of being miserable only to turn around and realize a big dose of moodiness is going to be appearing again soon? I have been a moody ass bitch all this week. I woke up in a horrible mood on Monday and I don't know why, other than my allergies have been really bad and I have been hacking like the hounds of hell. And for some reason, the second I climb into bed, the tickle in my throat exacerbates by a million and I can't stop coughing.

And as expected, stupid things are annoying me more than usual. I complained the other day how my sister expects people to do things for her, but does not do the same in return. Now I am a strong, probably a little too strong, believer in you scratch my back I scratch yours, so this greatly annoys me. My mother says well I don't have to be like her. Yes, that is true, but I don't work like her and my grandparents. Yes, being the better person is a good thing, and I will do it to an extent, but like I have said, there is a goddamn limit. And my mother and grandparents don't ever know where to draw the line. That is why they still bend over backwards for my father despite all of the nasty ass shit he has done to them. And that, I am sorry, is just stupid and foolish.

In my family, when people have problems with me, they find it better to talk about me behind my back. I guess maybe because they know if they confront me head on, it will lead to a big blow up (now I am not one to ever diagnose myself with things, but does anyone wonder if there is a small possibility I could be borderline?). But they should know by now that everything eventually gets back to me, and they should know by now from past experiences show that a blow up is going to happen any way you look at it, but had they just told me straight to my face, a smaller one would have occured. One time my sister made a comment that when I come to her house I stick around too long. Now this was long before she was married, and was living on her own. But here is the thing- I know what my sister is like. She has made complaints before when people don't stick around long. Then it's no one wants to hang around with her. So how in the fuck am I supposed to judge what is long enough? If I stick around, I am too long. If I leave, no one wants to hang around with her. She is getting as bad as my mother with the fucking guilt trips.

And it is such a small petty thing to get annoyed over, but I am really starting to get tired of how every single time I go out with my mother and my sister, I am basically ignored. My mom never shuts up the entire time (which I know annoys me sister as well), and then when I have a chance to get a word in, I am interrupted or ignored. And it is really starting to piss me off.

I have had this issue I have been dealing with for a couple months- one that once was bringing me great joy and is now just sadly making me flat out miserable, to the point that it's actually making me more miserable that it is making me miserable- and I want to say it's a product of OCD, but I am not really sure. It seems like it could be an obsession, and I know it's not a rational thought. And I wish I could inquire about it, but I am far too embarrassed at my age to ever bring it up to someone else, except for maybe a mental health worker.

I just want to get away from everything. I need to get away from everything. I need to get away from my family, from idiotic people, all of the negativity my family breeds that has worked its way into my life as well, the internet. I just want to pack up everything and start somewhere new. Of course, I'd like to have a new brain along with that new start. A brain with no mental illness and wired to have a big strong extroverted type A personality in store.

Every time I think about talking with someone in my family, I either realize I don't want to confide in that particular person or a problem arises for that person and I don't want to bother them. I've hit a major wall. But I don't know where to go. Or who to go to. I just know I need to talk to someone. I need for someone to be aware of how miserable I am. How almost every day I wish something would happen to me that would kill me so I don't end up having to be the one to do it. How I have never felt so fucking helpless in my life.