Random Thoughts

You know, I know my mind tends to worry over ridiculous things, but lately, it seems like it is getting even more ridiculous. I received a letter from unemployment informing me I have to report to what will more than likely turn out to be another worthless seminar next week. I am annoyed, because every time I am scheduled for these, I hope that maybe I will get some kind of worthwhile information out of them. But do you know what has me the most annoyed? It's scheduled at 1:00PM and I always eat lunch at 1:30PM.

Last night, when I was trying to fall asleep, I think I spent about 40 minutes or more worrying about how I am going to work eating out lunch while I am on vacation and what I will be able to take. Who worries about this stuff?! This dumbass, that's who!

I have to return books to the library this week. I am stressing over that. Don't know why. I am stressing over vacation. I am stressing over the long ass drive, how much weight I am going to gain, how many meals I am going to get screwed over at*, how hot it is going to be, whether I am going to experience any orthostatic hypotension spells, what if I faint....I could go on forever.

*my sister and her husband have a tendency to be tightwads about meal bills; they will only pay what they owe unless they benefit from splitting the bill. I am a very cheap eater and I never benefit from splitting a bill. Now don't get me wrong, I generally don't mind splitting the bill, especially with my parents. But when it comes to my sister, that is a whole other story.

I've been all over the place before with my emotions, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like my emotions are being pulled in a million directions, I can't even function properly anymore. Almost every night, I get irritated with my mother and wish she would go to bed sooner so I can be myself, only to find that when she does I am depressed being up by myself. She keeps irritating me so much and at the same time, I want to scream because I know one day I am not going to have her around and I don't know how I will deal when that day comes. I can't even deal with the thought of it. And it's the same thing with all of my loved ones, but more my mother than anything.

When we were driving down the shore, "Siberian Breaks" came up on my iPod right about when we were close to Wildwood and I was already kind of emotional and overwhelmed from my sister throwing a fit at me, and when it got to 4:55, I was so overcome with emotion, it was ridiculous, and all I could think was, "I want to be dead; I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. It's never going to get better and I wish everyone would just stop bullshitting me".

I don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster I can deal with. I wish one person, just one, would convince me with a good enough reason of why it's all worth it.

A thought occured to me earlier- I wonder how would an artist feel if they were told a song of theirs meant the difference between life and death to someone? That by listening to that particular song, it kept the person from harming themselves? Would they be freaked out? I think I would be touched (and I would probably get very emotional that I was able to help someone).

Hm. Too bad I will probably never get the chance to tell any artists that their music has kept me from doing something stupid too many times to count.