Random Thoughts

I don't know what made me think of it, but earlier today I started thinking about psychiatric facilites and the abuse that goes on in some of them. It's infuriating. For the past couple of years, my local newspaper has ran stories on the local state hospital in the area and all of the abuse that goes on there- sexual abuse, physical abuse, murders, etc. It's sickening.

What I don't understand is why these people even go into this line of work. The place I was sent to was a private facility, so it was run a little better than a state hospital. Some of the workers were actually pretty decent. But then there were the ones that had no business being in that line of work. The ones I wanted to punch and demand to know why they were in this field when they are such rotten human beings. Like the psych tech that used to provoke a bipolar 1 patient with violent tendencies. Frankly, every time she provoked her, I was glad when the patient went after her. Stupid bitch. You want to play with fire, don't fucking bitch when you get burnt.

The patient was fine otherwise. A bit strange, but hey, she liked me and said she was going to consider me an adopted daughter. Seems most of the older women did.

I don't understand the point of going into a field like this, or any healthcare career, if you have no compassion. When I first started college, I thought of going into nursing since I wanted to be one since elemenary school, and I believe I could make a good nurse, but 1) I can't handle stress and 2) I really have no idea how to be compassionate. So I decided against going in the field. I also don't like lawyers and I don't like touching people. I have this overwhelming fear that I will touch someone and they will accuse me of trying to sexually assault them or something.

I had insomnia last night (what else is new) and I was thinking about medication and how I am so torn about going back on it. I'll just come out and admit right now that my biggest fear of going back on them is gaining weight. I don't recall ever gaining weight when I took antidepressants. Prozac made it a little difficult to maintain my weight, but that was about it. The only ones that did make me gain were the antipsychotics. I was fine with Seroquel as long as I stayed at 50 mg or less. But who knows how drugs would affect me now.

In addition to the potential weight gain, there is the potential for increased suicidal thoughts, which is the last thing I need right now. Possibly having to face yet another heartbreaking disappointment of a drug failing to work for me.