Mind! Stahp!

I don't know how much more of this obsessing over my menstrual cycle I can take. Every goddamn month, after it ends, I worry I am going to spot or get it early. Once I pass the spotting mark, then it's only worrying I am going to get it early. If I don't get it early and it comes on time, then I am fine. If I pass the expected mark, then I start to worry it's not going to come at all. All because I am worried I am going through premature menopause. And every little thing puts me on edge. If I have vaginal itching, it's a sign. If I get hot, it's hot flashes. I'm on day 18 in my cycle and I'm sick with worry that it's going to come early. I'm fucking tired of it. It's exhausting!

There have been many times in the past where I have had suicidal ideation, but no active plans, or any plans at all, and I have considered calling a suicidal hotline. Unfortunately, I am too scared to call that someone will trace my phone number, find my location, and take me to the hospital.

I recently started talking with someone through private messaging on another site and I haven't chatted with someone so much like me (poor girl) since that guy Sam I used to talk with (God, I miss talking with him so much). I haven't heard from her since Friday and while I know she has been busy, naturally the paranoia in me is making me worry I said something to scare her off.

I'm just beside myself right now. I feel so low and hideous and worthless, I wish I could physically escape my mind. Or just start screaming and never stop.