Random Thoughts

I don't know if it PMS starting to rear its ugly head, the constant change in the weather, my disgust with life, the lousy ass weekend I had, or a little of everything, but man am I cranky.

I was supposed to have a good weekend. I actually had two days of plans and unfortunately, some people had to completely ruin it for me. Saturday I am sitting on the computer and my mom comes in and asks me if I have been ignoring phone calls or emails from one of my sister's bridesmaid (I have not; I did not answer a phone call right before the shower due to having no time to call her back, but I did send an email letting her know I did get her message). That right then and there sets me off, and eventually it turned into an argument. My mom even basically asked me am I trying to ruin my sister's wedding. And that was it. I completely blew up right then and there. I am still so angry and furious at my mom and my sister and her entire wedding party that I can't even remember the full story of what happened. And I am insulted that they even had to ask me if I was ignoring her. If I didn't invest so much in to it already, I would back out right now. And I am telling you- I will never, EVER agree to be in a wedding party again.

Eventually the argument lead to a full blown roast of me and pointing out of all my flaws THAT I AM ALREADY WELL AWARE OF.

I was so angry and hurt, I could not stop crying. I mean the full blown, choking, hyperventilating type of sobbing. I am so overwhelmed with all of the tension in my house, with work, and many other things, and that just really set me over the edge. I was actually at the point of coming up with a suicide plan and that scared the hell out of me. I do remember screaming at one point that congratulations, they put the final nail in the coffin after shutting my door and punching the wall repeatedly and screaming at the top of my lungs. I have never behaved like this ever. What the hell is wrong with me? It scared the hell out of me to feel the rage I felt.

And while the song really did not relate, I had "Written In The Stars" on repeat at full blast and listened to it (and occasionally singing along with it at the top of my lungs) the entire time I cried. And let me tell you, that song got me through one of the lowest times I have had in a long time.