Random Thoughts

My mind has been in such a drought. Well, a drought of anything new. Not surprisingly, the same bullshit is still taking up residence. Still worrying about the same shit, pretty much a new worry joining in every day, and my mind is starting to become a real bully.

Something that was previously bringing me a little bit of joy in my life is starting to turn miserable. This always seems to happen with this situation. It starts off pleasant, and then my stupid disorder and jealousy come into the picture and ruin everything. I hate it.

My love life, or lack of one, has been bothering me a lot lately. And an even more disturbing realization is I do not think I will ever know how to truly love someone. I can care for people, but I feel like I am completely incapable of ever being in love. And that makes me sad, because I very badly want to truly be in love with someone and have the feeling returned. And it just adds another reason to why I feel like I should just end it all. If I knew how to do it.

Like I said before, I wish I could go away for a really long time. Somewhere where I could put 100% focus on getting this stupid disorder and the accompanying ones under control, where I am not treated like a moron by the staff, where the staff actually listens and shows compassion, and where it is a little more lax than a standard psychiatric facility (or at least the one I was in). I need for the place to allow headphones at the very least. I don't want to sound like I want to run away from my problems, but I just feel like certain things I just need to be physically removed from for awhile. I love my family, but I feel like I need to get away from them for a little bit. And I am sure they probably would like to be away from me for a little bit, too.