Random Thoughts

Well, I can finally stop getting on my own nerves so much. Still am, just not as much.

I put my iTunes library on shuffle last night- the entire library, not just the playlist of all my absolute favorite songs- and "Seasons In The Sun" by Terry Jacks came up and normally I just skip over it, because I pretty much have nothing but bad memories tied to that song, since it was a song I listened to A LOT back when I went off of Effexor cold turkey. Now I have not found any confirmation that the song was about suicide, but if you listen to it, it certainly could be taken that way. But last night I actually listened to it. It's such a fucking depressing song.

I was about to get into another fight with my mother last night, but decided I just was not up to it. I don't understand how I have done more in my life around the house than my sister ever did when she lived at home, yet I was always the one to get hollered at for not doing things. And I still do. That was what almost started an argument last night. My mom made a comment about me not doing enough. Unfortunately right now I am not doing as much as I normally do because I feel so lousy. And I wanted to point it out to my mother that she knows damn well that I would love to be doing a lot more than I am, but then I remembered that my symptoms are all from anxiety and in my head, and that she is the only one who is ever allowed to feel horrible and is the only one allowed to use it as an excuse. Her symptoms are NEVER from anxiety.

I just want to feel better. I am so exhausted all the time. Sleeping doesn't even help. I read a status update from a friend one day that was doing 4 days of 12 hour shifts in a row and just thinking about it exhausted me to the point of breaking down in tears. Something like that never would have bothered me. Hell, last year, I would have looked at it and thought bitch, please.

I can't wait until summer comes, but now I am concerned how I am going to fare in the heat, since my blood pressure seems to want to be running borderline low. I am going to be worried about actually blacking out. There is a lot I am not able to do right now because I get light headed- but not all of the time- when I change position. Yet this is all in my head.

And while being afraid of having Addison's has kind of went on the backburner- but not completely, because remember, I feel like I am jinxing myself if I do not worry- I still keep going back to why my aldosterone levels were so low when I had them tested. They were in the normal range, sure, but 2.1? Out of a range up to 30?