Random Thoughts

One day, four more to go until the weekend comes around again.

I had insomnia on Saturday night and as evident by now, when you have OCD, insomnia is the worst thing to have, because it's more time for your mind to just run and run and run and you have no one or no thing to help distract you from it. And I was thinking about how I am always waiting for the next time I eat or the weekend to come or this or that and all I could think was, every time I rush things, the closer I get to other people's demises. And I started to feel panicky and overwhelmingly depressed (although at the rate I am going, I am going to be dead before everyone else- a thought I don't particularly not welcome).

I also had a dream (nightmare) Saturday night that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. And not a small place like I was in before, but a big hospital, almost like the old school places. I didn't wake up feeling particularly good after that. Quite unsettled, to be honest.

Since doing the enema last week, very gradually my stomach seems to be straightening out. Although not today. My sister invited me over for Chinese food last night because I haven't had it in so long and have been wanting it, and I kept hesitating on getting it and then finally decided to and now I regret it big time. I wish I would have just listened to myself and ate home.

Last week when I was working on a chart in work, there were a few papers filed under No Name. And when I looked at them, they weren't no name, but rather wrong person. And I briefly looked through the papers and then it caught my eye, that word- paraplegia. I felt like banging my head on the desk. Banging it until this stupid obsession went away PERMANENTLY, although I am starting to think that one of these days I am just going to need to finally (and begrudgingly) accept that it's always going to be a part of me in some way or another.