They Will Never Get It

Like me, my mother has depression and anxiety. She says a lot of times that she understands how I feel. If she understood how I feel, she would not get angry with me the way she does.

We got into a big fight tonight. She started telling me about that stupid selfish California cow and I kept saying I don't want to hear about it and she kept continuing telling me about it, which was making my blood boil even more until finally I yelled that I don't know why she has to tell me about it because it aggravates the hell out of me and I don't want to talk about it! That pissed her off and then she starts screaming at me that what else is new, I never want to hear about anything she has to tell me. And then she, of all people, tells me I need to get a life and stop worrying about other people's lives. Ohhhh, boy. Pot, meet kettle.

Then it turned into how I hate so many celebrities, which is absurd because I never said I hated any of them. I just said I can't stand them. She doesn't understand why I can't stand Lindsay Lohan. Seriously? She doesn't see it? My mother is more fucking delusional than I thought.

Then she starts that my sister and I don't care about her and do we even care that every day she wants to take a bottle of pills (honestly, do you even have to ask why I am so fucked up anymore?) and I, being a wiseass, say, "I don't know, do you care that I would like to do the same thing?". I was not implying that she doesn't care; I was just being a bitch. She apparently didn't see it that way, so she turns around and tells me "fuck you" and then starts screaming at me that what the hell do I think she has been doing the past 3 years since I was hospitalized.

I don't know how people expect me to explain why I am so bitter and nasty when I don't even know why I am such a miserable little bitch. I am tired of life to the point that I can't even muster the effort to make it better. I already know I am a horrible person. I don't know why I am so apathetic and don't give a shit about other people's problems and why when things happen to people, I rarely feel sorry for them and why I can actually openly say I wish someone would drop dead and not feel bad and why I still cannot cry over my friend being killed in a car accident. The sad horrible thing is, I do miss her, but not as much as I probably should. Sometimes I wonder if that joke personality disorder test was real far off saying that I show signs of antisocial personality disorder, which scares the hell out of me. I don't think I am a sociopath, but I certainly have characterstics of it.

Maybe a lot of people don't believe in personality disorders, but there is something really out of the norm with mine.

I think the whole thing that bothers me about being sick, aside from being sick, is society's reaction to mental illness. I just read a thread on a forum and the original poster states that all mentally ill people are dangerous and they ALL should be locked up. I felt like crying after reading it and not even the 10 pages of posts bitching the OP out made it better. Why can no one just believe it is real? And that we are not all dangerous? Why is the non-behavioral evidence of autism pretty similar to mental illness, yet more people are willing to accept autism? You can't just go to the doctors, get blood work or some other type of medical test done, and *boom* your child is diagnosed as autistic. But less people give flack to autism than mental illness.

I don't even get the person that wrote that thread on the forum. Now he could be lying, but why would you work in that area of social work? It's stupid. It's like a skinhead working for the NAACP. Why work for a group that helps a particular group of people if you hate them?

I don't even know why I bother. People will never, ever get it.