Yes My Mind Is Definitely Made Up

Going back a few posts when I was feeling low....yes, if given the chance to either have my wish granted or to never have the desire to want it ever again, I would definitely go with the latter.

I just came back from visiting the webpage of fellow likewise people and going through it, I realized that I am not quite on the level of these people. I am never going to go around and "pretend", although there are days where it is overwhelmingly tempting. I am never going to accept it. I am never going to stop and think, you know, this is just me; I want this and there is nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it. It's never going to happen because if you were to place how much I want this and how much I want these feelings to go away on the scales of justice, the latter would be so heavy it would knock the scale on it's side and crash to the floor. I don't want to want this. I want it to go away and never come back.

The more I am around people lately, the more depressed I get because I know these people aren't having thoughts like this. And I am extremely jealous of them. I want to be able to have normal feelings. I will never consider these feelings "normal". I am more jealous of normal people than I am of people who have what I want. And I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want my trouble with jealousy to go away while I am at it.

Why does it seem like every year, whatever I am upset about gets subsequently worst? 2007 I was devastated over a guy I liked was engaged to be married. 2008 was meningococcemia. And whenever something new comes along, I long to have the previous one. I would much rather be worrying about meningococcemia right now.

I know, I know....I do quite a bit of bitching about the mental health system and psychiatry. But when I get health insurance, something has to be done about this. Taking matters into my own hands is no longer going to consist of me making what I want happen; it has to consist of my doing everything in my power in getting rid of wanting this. I can't go through the rest of my life like this. This is the worst it has ever been (and could be in part due to my period).This is affecting every aspect of my life. I can't go through life freaking out every time I see someone with what I want or worrying constantly of seeing someone with what I want. I just can't. It is affecting where I get a job, where I go out to, what career I decide on, etc. And it makes me feel like a really horrible person. I have nothing against these people; it's just incredibly intolerable to be around them. It's like being with your soulmate....and his wife.

It just confuses me because as I have said before I can think as far back to childhood in wanting this....*BUT* after my first car accident in tenth grade, I spiraled into a really bad depression (I had already developed depression by this time) and I developed extremely bad anxiety that it would happen to me. I could barely get into a car without having a panic attack and I refused to get on a bicycle and I walked around, paranoid that a stray bullet would hit me. And this lasted until about a couple months after I got out of the hospital, which was about 6 years. So how can that be explained? Am I just so bored and depressed and this is really just a product of my boredom? Never have I wanted to pack up all of my things and run off so badly in my life.

If I want this so bad, then why do I also want to be a runner so bad? Why on my "training to run" days do I end up in tears because I am still not at the level to be a full runner? Do I really want to give up on my "slightly manic" phases and sugar rushes when I get up and dance like a moron? Or when I get enough energy that I feel like I could run from Burlington County to NYC in 2 hours? I am the most restless person on earth; I can't sit still ever. I have ants and everything imaginable in my pants. Even typing this, it's left foot under butt, back on the ground, right foot up on knee, etc. I don't even stay still in bed. It's left side, right side, left side, back, right side, stomach, REPEAT. By the time I wake up in the morining, my bed looks like a tornado hit it. Do I really want to never fullfill my fantasies of having sex in a public place? Well, it could be done; it would just get kind of complicated, but that's not the point! Or to never fullfill my sexual fantasies of patent leather catsuits, knee-high boots, and whips? Do I really never want to feel an orgasm again (yes, I may be a virgin, but I have had plenty of them!)? It's all so confusing.

On the other hand....I really am fucking sexually frustrated, aren't I? God, I need to get laid. It's amazing how no matter how deep of a depression I fall into, the one thing that never changes is my sex drive. Boy, I feel sorry for the first person who gets to sleep with me.