A Peak Inside Of My Mind

I already brought up several times that I have depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc. I also lack any bit of self-esteem and I absolutely loathe myself. I think there is a point where you draw the line and say "this is not normal" when you start to look in the mirror and want to smash it with your bare hands because you hate looking at yourself so much. Or when you lose weight and are still not happy and when you realize that even if you got down to 95 lbs, you would still see someone who weighs 250 lbs in the mirror, even though I have never weighed close to that in my life.

It's not normal to see certain types of people (not in regards to religion, race, ethnicity or death) and you can't deal with it. You can't deal with it for one simple reason- you wish it was you. It's not normal to want to climb up onto your roof and want to jump off with the hopes of obtaining this one thing you want. It's not normal to pick up a knife and think, it would just take a few seconds. It's not normal for this to fill you with so much glee. It's not normal for you to get angry with people when they get upset when it happens to them because you feel they are ungrateful. And you can't tell anyone, not even your own family about this, because even you cannot understand why any normal person would want this.

It's not normal for someone, who just a few months beforehand was terrified of having MS to the point of contemplating suicide, to go in for a MRI on their brain and panic and not go through with the test, not because she is afraid of what it might find; rather, that it will not find anything.

Not many normal people wake up in the morning and ask why.

My emotions are not normal. I never react normal to things. I did not cry and still have yet to when I found out my friend was killed. Instead, I got angry. I cannot cry at death. I laugh when I shouldn't, but don't when I should. I cry when I shouldn't, but don't cry when I should. I get angry when I shouldn't, but don't when I should. When someone angers me, I go out of my way to make sure I say the most hateful things possible. When someone criticizes me, I dwell on it. And not for a normal length of time. Years. There are things that people said to me in fucking middle school that I still dwell on. And as much as I try to put it behind me, it comes right back, particularly in times of low periods.

I have so much anger in me. I just want to go into a solitary place and let it all out, but I don't think there is enough in this world to handle it. I don't particularly know why I am angry. I guess it's a mixture of having no self-esteem, of all the hate and greed in the world, of allowing people to walk all over me, of never being able to stand up for myself, and most of all, due to this one thing I want. People can stand there and say every problem is temporary, but this isn't. This is not a temporary problem. This is not something I can do anything about without extreme measures and it drives me up the wall.

My mind feels like a computer that has been invaded by a wicked virus. Almost like a worm. It just keeps on building more and more, until eventually a zombie-PC results. Too bad the mind is not like a Windows desktop. I could just point to each bad memory, highlight it, and drag it to the recycling bin.

And drugs don't work. If they do work for you, I believe it's a placebo affect. Most people that antidepressants are prescribed for probably don't even have depression. Nowadays, you break a nail, your doctor gives you fucking Prozac.