Random Thoughts

Very shortly, the entire holiday season is going to be over and I am ready to tear my hair out. I can actually feel my breath catching in my chest like I am going to have a panic attack. This is not normal at all. God, I really wish I knew why it bothers me so much. Everything just sucks from now on. Winter comes, with its dark bleaknesss. Then spring and summer comes, which are nice until all of the severe thunderstorm and tornados watches and warnings start rolling in. Really my only favorite time of the year is right after Halloween.

The only reasons I look forward to the end of the holiday season are 1) no car insurance payment for a couple months and 2) a temporary end to the War on Christmas bullshit. I saw a clip of Bill-O the other day interviewing Sarah Palin and what came out of his mouth nearly gave me a heart attack. I never seen someone who can say smart things and assinine things like him. I want to simultaneously shake his hand and punch him in the face (mostly because of this "war on Christmas" stuff). When I listen to the pro-war on Christmas crowd- which generally consists of those who, as Obama said, cling to guns and religion (come on and give me a fucking break! you know you all do!)- getting their panties into a bunch over it, it makes me wonder that if God and Jesus themselves were to come down and say they could give a rat's ass what people wish each other, if they would even listen. Something tells me no. I also am starting to believe that if Glenn Beck of Manitee or the rest of the "Love America Or Else Conservatives" were to get on national TV and tell their following that the librul media lies and says we need our brains and that they themselves proved that they really don't, the people would all rip their own brains out.

Speaking of brains, I saw a comic one day that showed what a liberal brain looks like and since this publication is something that is obviously with or against- meaning if you are not wishing for a four way with Palin, Limbaugh, and Beck, then you are a liberal; therefore, according to this publication, that makes me a liberal- it said at the area of the spinal cord, that in a liberal, it has been replaced (by what, I do not remember), so there goes ever getting my wish. God dang it!

I am trying to get very serious about going back to school and I printed out the class list for accounting technology and I almost burst in to tears when I realized that even with all of the classes I have taken, I still have 12 classes left to take. And I would have had Anatomy lab done had the semester I taken it I did not decide to make the genius move of quitting an Effexor cold turkey and ultimately sending myself to hell (I panicked so bad at the thought of failing lab despite having a fucking A average at the time that I just dropped it, a decision I have and will regret for the rest of my life). I am also very upset that I am required to take Public Speaking as a general ed. Its great that my school bumped up the AAS programs to 6 credits of English (better to transfer with), but why on earth would they require the second class to be Public Speaking? I can't take Public Speaking. I have a panic attack at the thought of it.

I normally don't like to talk about it, but this menstrual cycle has been a fucking nightmare. I don't ever recall having one so bad. Physically and mentally, more the latter than the former. I have not been able to stop crying. I will be fine one second and then I will start to cry and I can't stop and just everything on fucking planet earth makes me cry.

I want to send an email to an online pal, but I have sent a few since September and all of have gone unanswered. I don't know if he has been away from the internet, he no longer wants to speak, or god forbid, something happened to him. He wasn't well to begin with and despite never knowing him personally, I will be very upset if something happened to him. Really the only person on earth who has some inkling of what I feel. Sam, if you are still out there and you ever got around to reading this batch of insanity and I said anything to upset you, I am truly sorry.