Random Thoughts

I am almost a month late on reporting this, but....good news! The legal world is safe from my jurying. I was excused about five seconds into being interviewed by the judge. He asked me something along the lines of whether I could place equal weight on every testimony and do I feel I could judge fairly and I said “honestly, no” and he told me I was excused. So, somewhere in the county, the defendant and plantiff can breathe a sigh of relief. Weird thing is, when I checked the Jury Reporting webpage for Thursday afterwards, it said both groups, all numbers were excused. It also said “Jurors in the Special Panel are Excused”. So who the hell did they pick?

The thing that absolutely astonished me was how people came dressed. I wore dress pants, a blouse, and flats. About 85% of the other jurors came in casual and by casual, I mean jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, sneakers, construction boots, etc. Some big fat chick came in leggings and ridiculous boots and another girl came in a tracksuit. The best one I saw was a chick in jeans, a hoodie, and flip flops. I mean, seriously? In a fucking courtroom? Sure, the summons said “dress casual”, but come on! It also said “Jurors must wear clothing appropriate for an appearance in court.”

And I always hear stories about how everyone makes friends at jury duty. I am lucky if 3 people talked to me. Sure, I didn’t make any conversation nor did I want to (I had roughly 4.5 hours of sleep + I did not want to be there= super antisocial), but usually not wanting to be bothered seems to be an open invitation to talk my ear off.

The strange thing is, I desperately did not want to get picked and yet when I was dismissed and still to this very second, I feel kind of bad and remorseful. Look, it’s not just because I am kind of biased that I feel I would not make a good juror. It’s also the fact that I am horribly indecisive and I also do not want to be a part of convicting someone unless it’s absolutely certain they did it.

And unfortunately, with the type of case, I would have had issues with both parties. At first, my feminista instinct kicked in and I would have thought I would have had a vendetta for the defendant but as soon as the judge mentioned something about under 18 sex laws, my entire perspective changed. Because I feel that there are people out there under 18 who have sex with someone over 18 that know damn well what they are doing and it should NOT be considered statutory rape. there seems to be an ever increasing number of girls crying wolf. NOT cool at all to make light of such a vicious situation. Every girl who has cried rape that knows damn well they never were deserves be slapped upside the head and then to burn in hell. It’s fucking sick!

Man, I can't believe it's going to be Christmas soon. It's crazy! Where has this year gone? better yet, where have the past 4 years gone? It's already been 4 years since I basically had a nervous breakdown. Am I better? Oh yeah. In certain ways, but not in others.

It astonishes me that what should have been helping was actually making me worse. I have been medicine free for ....hmmm, I have to think for a second. I think I took my last Prozac pill in the fall of 2007, so 2 years I have been medicine free. Exercising really does help. It certainly has not taken away any of the depression or anxiety, but it keeps my head screwed on a little tighter.

The one thing that has been bothering me big time is my personality. I have been off the wall lately. I can honestly go from caring about someone to hating them in a short amount of time. I can sit in my room and cry worrying about something happening to my parents and it will take one little thing for me to hate them and this will alternate all day long. It drives me nuts. I have had this problem for a long time but it just seems to be worsening. And it makes me feel horrible. I feel like a troll. And a lot of times I will just say stuff that I don't even know why I say and don't really mean. I never really went through a "teenage angst" phase, so maybe this is it rearing it's ugly head now. It only took a decade!

I don't pretend to know a whole lot about personality disorders, but for a long time I have suspected that I having one is very, very possible. I have never stayed in therapy long enough or had the courage to ever confront the idea of having one. What one would I have? I am not sure. The one I would be almost willing to bet my life on is Avoidant Personality Disorder. But I do believe there is another one as well. I am not trying to play first year psych student here, but obsessive compulsive, compensatory narcissitic, borderline, and passive aggressive personality disorders are all ones that sound pretty on the nose. I don't know. If I ever go back to therapy, it will definitely be something I will bring up.

One feeling that is not new is guilt. Guilt is basically the one feeling I can say I feel constantly. And I think I finally found the root of why I am the most indecisive person on earth- GUILT! No matter which decision I would make, something would make me feel guilty.

But otherwise....good news! I received something on November 20th and November 30th that I haven't seen in ages- a Blue Screen of Death! Still haven't quite figured out the cause of it, but it coicidentally occured after the installation and uninstallation of Counterspy, so I am pointing my finger at it, but either way, my reaction was similar to when my last computer decided to die on me in June, which was basically a reaction similar to every person in the Game Fly commercial.