Oh joy, it's Sunday again.
I feel so bloated right now and I'm miserable as fuck because 1) I am so bloated 2) I'm due for my period and 3) I'm just a miserable person. I ended up not taking a pill yesterday because I felt so lousy. And now I feel guilty for not taking it. There is no win. No matter what I do, I am going to feel like shit in some shape or form, whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Last night I was reading an article on Cracked about working with dead bodies in a morgue. And while I was reading it, I started thinking about my loved ones possibly facing all of that one day when they pass on and I started to feel overwhelmingly panicky and depressed. And I couldn't stop thinking about it for a long time. Every time I think of my loved ones not being around one day, especially my mother, I just want to commit suicide.
My FWA's friend posted something earlier about how her flaws aren't that bad and she doesn't care what people think about her anymore. No, of course you don't think your flaws are that bad considering YOU NEVER THINK YOU DO ANYTHING WRONG. I mean, for fuck's sake, you were written up NUMEROUS times and still can't understand why you were fired. And if you have to stand there and claim you don't care what people think about you anymore, chances are you probably still do care. I hate people that have to constantly preach that they don't care what people think about them; you know damn well they are the ones that give the most shit.
And speaking of drama, the other day I had to hear from my FWA about how her boyfriend's mother apparently called him a loser behind his back and he basically told her he was done with her. Assuming everything she tells me about her is true, I have to admit that my FWA's boyfriend's mother is frigging wiggity wack. I don't like to play amateur psychiatrist, but if that woman doesn't have borderline personality disorder, then I would eat my hat.
Anyway, later on that night, my sister sends me a text asking me how long the 2 have been together (if ya'll recall, she graduated with the boyfriend and is friends with him on FB), along with picture of a post from the boyfriend stating and I quote "wasted the last seven years of my life". A little while later my FWA posts some post about feeling like she has nothing left.
And despite not giving a shit about the constant drama in her life, I am a nosy bitch and was dying to know what happened so after awhile I asked her if everything was okay and she told me that her boyfriend worked shit out with his mother and was back to defending her constantly and that led to a fight between the 2 and he apparently turned over their coffee table and threw a key holder and the neighbors called the cops on them (keeping it classy as always! and in front of the baby!) and she wasn't even sure if they were still together or not.
A few days later, I had to laugh when she posted pictures on Facebook of the baby with Daddy dearest, meaning they weren't broken up and everything was just fine and dandy now. And of course the post from the boyfriend disappeared off of Facebook (too bad I am not one to really likely to instigate trouble; oh by the way FWA, I guess you didn't happen to see this.....). I just laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. I don't know about anyone else, but if my boyfriend did that shit in front of our one year-old daughter, I'd kick his ass out and tell him to return when he wants to behave like an adult. Especially if my ass is the one paying the bills.
God, people are so fucking annoying. And she just posted 130 pictures of her brat's christening. Why is it necessary to take that many damn pictures? And now she just changed her profile picture of her with the baby....and she's got those damn fucking sunglasses on the top of her head in the picture. Really? You couldn't take them off of your head for 5 fucking seconds to take a half decent picture? I don't think it would annoy me so much if it wasn't for the fact that she sits the entire day in work with those fucking things on the top of her head- even when she is waiting on patients. And the even better part is I remember when she bought those sunglasses and she told me she got them at some flea market and she tried to insist to me that they were designer glasses. She is ridiculous. Like you really could buy designer sunglasses at a fucking flea market.
Okay, I think I need to hang it up for now, I am just grasping at straws of things to bitch about.
God, I am so fucking miserable right now.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 23, 2015
FML
I don't know how much longer I can stand taking the medicine every day. I am right back to feeling super bloated and being fairly constipated....JFC I just want to scream. My digestive system was feeling so good before- having somewhat of an easier time going to the bathroom, not feeling very bloated, my stomach was flatter, the scale was down, and it was making me feel emotionally good. I dread even getting on the scale tomorrow morning.
And not getting on is out of the question.
And I feel like if I go back to every other day, then I am wimping out. Who is to say that my body won't adjust to it eventually and my digestive system will start working like it did when I was taking it every other day? But I don't know if it will. Or how long it could take to do so. And I don't know whether to give it a few more days or what.
Yesterday I was on the Daily What and I seen a link at the bottom of the page to a story that made me irate. Then the same story popped up on the Berry. Then D-Listed. Then Yahoo. Then AOL. And now my local news just posted a link about it. Every time I see it, I just want to
And not getting on is out of the question.
And I feel like if I go back to every other day, then I am wimping out. Who is to say that my body won't adjust to it eventually and my digestive system will start working like it did when I was taking it every other day? But I don't know if it will. Or how long it could take to do so. And I don't know whether to give it a few more days or what.
Yesterday I was on the Daily What and I seen a link at the bottom of the page to a story that made me irate. Then the same story popped up on the Berry. Then D-Listed. Then Yahoo. Then AOL. And now my local news just posted a link about it. Every time I see it, I just want to
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Random Thoughts
Since Saturday I have taken a pill every day. And I am very unhappy. I feel more bloated than I have been, my heart has been racing, and I am so anxious that I am going to gain weight. I just want to go back to taking it every other day, but since every other day did a little bit of something, I would also like to see what taking a pill every day can do for me.
Being on these meds sucks. I don't want to be on them at all.
I decided to finally go for a haircut on Friday after almost 3 months of not having one. The usual girl I go to wasn't on that night but I decided to give someone else a chance. I asked for an inch and half off with layers and side bangs. What I left with was nothing of that sort. In my 31 years of life, I am pretty sure I have never cried over a haircut, or at least as hard as I did when I left the salon. It was longer in the front and shorter in the back (a hairstyle I loathe), it had no layers, and when I pulled my bathroom mirror down to look at the back of it, there was a huge chunk missing from the back in the center. I got even more hysterical after that.
The next day my mother went to get a haircut at a different salon location and talked to her hairdresser about what happened, so she had me come in to see what could be done with it. And all of the girls at that salon said basically the same thing- it looked like she screwed up and tried to fix it, but couldn't. Luckily it got fixed but now it's super short. Way shorter than I like it. And I lost a hell of a lot more than an inch and half (my hair was slightly below shoulder length).
It shouldn't have been screwed up in the first place, but honestly, I would have rather have had the girl outright tell me that she screwed up instead of letting me leave like everything was fine and dandy. I would have been a hell of a lot less upset had she admitted her mistake. And the fact that she got a 20% tip from me enrages me even more.
My parents love my haircut, and my grandmother went absolutely nuts when she seen me on Sunday because she loved it so much. But the most surprising thing of all is ALL of my coworkers, minus my boss, have told me they liked it. That is shocking as hell.
Being on these meds sucks. I don't want to be on them at all.
I decided to finally go for a haircut on Friday after almost 3 months of not having one. The usual girl I go to wasn't on that night but I decided to give someone else a chance. I asked for an inch and half off with layers and side bangs. What I left with was nothing of that sort. In my 31 years of life, I am pretty sure I have never cried over a haircut, or at least as hard as I did when I left the salon. It was longer in the front and shorter in the back (a hairstyle I loathe), it had no layers, and when I pulled my bathroom mirror down to look at the back of it, there was a huge chunk missing from the back in the center. I got even more hysterical after that.
The next day my mother went to get a haircut at a different salon location and talked to her hairdresser about what happened, so she had me come in to see what could be done with it. And all of the girls at that salon said basically the same thing- it looked like she screwed up and tried to fix it, but couldn't. Luckily it got fixed but now it's super short. Way shorter than I like it. And I lost a hell of a lot more than an inch and half (my hair was slightly below shoulder length).
It shouldn't have been screwed up in the first place, but honestly, I would have rather have had the girl outright tell me that she screwed up instead of letting me leave like everything was fine and dandy. I would have been a hell of a lot less upset had she admitted her mistake. And the fact that she got a 20% tip from me enrages me even more.
My parents love my haircut, and my grandmother went absolutely nuts when she seen me on Sunday because she loved it so much. But the most surprising thing of all is ALL of my coworkers, minus my boss, have told me they liked it. That is shocking as hell.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Yikes
Last night, my mother and I drove over to my grandparent's to visit. When we were coming home, I was stopped at a light and a cop car flew through the intersection with his lights flashing. I was about a mile behind the cop car and as I got closer to the next light, I seen lights behind me so I quickly got over into the left lane and stopped at the red light. And that's when my mother and I looked over at the car pulled over and realized that not only where there 3 cop cars pulled up behind the car, but an older Hispanic man was standing outside of the car with his hands on his head and 2 cops were standing outside of their cruiser with their guns raised and screaming at the guy. I had a car in front of me but my mother and I just stared in horror and I kept yelling "come on light freaking change already!" and then when it changed, the car in front of me didn't even rush off! I was cursing the person to all holy hell and then when he or she finally started to drive, I went around them as soon as I could and took off like a bat out of hell.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Ugh Again
I am going to start taking Prozac every day from now on. I am an absolute nervous wreck that I am going to gain weight. So far my weight has been okay, even gone down a few pounds although I don't know if that is from the medicine or because I have been extra strict with my diet, but I am very worried that increasing my dosage will cause weight gain.
And now it's already time to go back to that hellhole called a workplace. That place where I have discovered that once again I am more than likely the lowest paid person in the office.
And now it's already time to go back to that hellhole called a workplace. That place where I have discovered that once again I am more than likely the lowest paid person in the office.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Ugh
I was just going through a list of people I may know on Facebook and most people were people I didn't actually know or give a flying fuck about. And then he showed up- the kid I went to high school with that I was grossed out by last year. I just sat and stared at my iPad like
(Ugh I am a terrible person)
Monday, April 13, 2015
Random Thoughts
One day, four more to go until the weekend comes around again.
I had insomnia on Saturday night and as evident by now, when you have OCD, insomnia is the worst thing to have, because it's more time for your mind to just run and run and run and you have no one or no thing to help distract you from it. And I was thinking about how I am always waiting for the next time I eat or the weekend to come or this or that and all I could think was, every time I rush things, the closer I get to other people's demises. And I started to feel panicky and overwhelmingly depressed (although at the rate I am going, I am going to be dead before everyone else- a thought I don't particularly not welcome).
I also had a dream (nightmare) Saturday night that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. And not a small place like I was in before, but a big hospital, almost like the old school places. I didn't wake up feeling particularly good after that. Quite unsettled, to be honest.
Since doing the enema last week, very gradually my stomach seems to be straightening out. Although not today. My sister invited me over for Chinese food last night because I haven't had it in so long and have been wanting it, and I kept hesitating on getting it and then finally decided to and now I regret it big time. I wish I would have just listened to myself and ate home.
Last week when I was working on a chart in work, there were a few papers filed under No Name. And when I looked at them, they weren't no name, but rather wrong person. And I briefly looked through the papers and then it caught my eye, that word- paraplegia. I felt like banging my head on the desk. Banging it until this stupid obsession went away PERMANENTLY, although I am starting to think that one of these days I am just going to need to finally (and begrudgingly) accept that it's always going to be a part of me in some way or another.
I had insomnia on Saturday night and as evident by now, when you have OCD, insomnia is the worst thing to have, because it's more time for your mind to just run and run and run and you have no one or no thing to help distract you from it. And I was thinking about how I am always waiting for the next time I eat or the weekend to come or this or that and all I could think was, every time I rush things, the closer I get to other people's demises. And I started to feel panicky and overwhelmingly depressed (although at the rate I am going, I am going to be dead before everyone else- a thought I don't particularly not welcome).
I also had a dream (nightmare) Saturday night that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. And not a small place like I was in before, but a big hospital, almost like the old school places. I didn't wake up feeling particularly good after that. Quite unsettled, to be honest.
Since doing the enema last week, very gradually my stomach seems to be straightening out. Although not today. My sister invited me over for Chinese food last night because I haven't had it in so long and have been wanting it, and I kept hesitating on getting it and then finally decided to and now I regret it big time. I wish I would have just listened to myself and ate home.
Last week when I was working on a chart in work, there were a few papers filed under No Name. And when I looked at them, they weren't no name, but rather wrong person. And I briefly looked through the papers and then it caught my eye, that word- paraplegia. I felt like banging my head on the desk. Banging it until this stupid obsession went away PERMANENTLY, although I am starting to think that one of these days I am just going to need to finally (and begrudgingly) accept that it's always going to be a part of me in some way or another.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Quote(s) Of The Day
The genius of Waterfall Sr. from "The Birdbot of Ice-Catrez":
Waterfall Sr.: Greetings, Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall Sr., founder of Penguins Unlimited. [The crowd applauds.] Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time you clap your hands you kill thousands of spores that'll some day form a nutritious fungus. Just show your approval with a mold-friendly thumbs up. [The crowd thumbs-ups.] Please hold your thumbs until the end. Now, folks, it's time to stop that tanker with a non-violent human circle.
Leela: [standing up] Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?
Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.
Waterfall Sr.: If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. [He picks up some snow, puts his hand down his trousers and rubs it around.] If rubbing frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right!
Waterfall Sr.: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks: Put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
Leela: Uh ... I think I'll go check on Bender.
Waterfall Sr.: Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.
Waterfall Sr.: Good work, everyone. I suggest you all go get some sleep. Me, well, I'm gonna stay up all night singing songs about penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.
Leela: You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding?
Waterfall Sr.: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Random Thoughts
Thankfully I didn't wake up feeling as crappy as the last time I did an enema, but I am still feeling pretty bloated. But at least all the, um, rectum pressure is gone. Man, that was bad. It was so uncomfortable I was seriously starting to contemplate donning a pair of gloves and taking care of things myself. I regret taking those antibiotics. Big time.
Today I had something happen to me in work that I have worried would eventually happen. I use Word for my work and one of the first things I did when I started working there was set Autorecover to save every 2 minutes. And in the grand tradition of all things Microsoft, I have had Word crash on me quite a few times and when I reopened the file, everything was recovered. Today I was working on a file for a good 3 hours and went to do something else on the computer and at one point I realized my report was no longer open. And when I opened it up, it was where it was when I opened it this morning. Meaning I lost a good 1/4 of an inch worth of medical records (about 2 pages worth of typed information and 3 hours worth of work for nothing). I felt like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I checked the AutoRecover settings- it was still set to save every 2 minutes. But nothing was in the AutoRecover folder when I opened it. I tried a few more things, came up with nothing, and finally came to the sickening conclusion that I was going to have to go back and reread and retype all I had read and typed since that morning.
First time in a while I broke down in tears in work. I didn't care (my FWA was the only one who saw me anyway). That was a lot of fucking work I lost. I don't understand why it didn't autosave like it's supposed to. Or why even if I accidentally closed out of Word, it didn't ask me if I wanted to save my changes when I made many changes since I opened it that morning.
I am so beyond frustrated with my work output. I honestly don't know what I can do to be able to concentrate better and work faster. I feel like my brain can't even function anymore and it's not like my brain is overly fixated on anything right now (it seems to be on a temporary hiatus from convincing me I have something wrong with me. I dread to know what will follow premature menopause, because each new one seems to terrify me more). I'm starting to wonder if I sustained brain damage at some point and my family is neglecting to tell me.
Today I had something happen to me in work that I have worried would eventually happen. I use Word for my work and one of the first things I did when I started working there was set Autorecover to save every 2 minutes. And in the grand tradition of all things Microsoft, I have had Word crash on me quite a few times and when I reopened the file, everything was recovered. Today I was working on a file for a good 3 hours and went to do something else on the computer and at one point I realized my report was no longer open. And when I opened it up, it was where it was when I opened it this morning. Meaning I lost a good 1/4 of an inch worth of medical records (about 2 pages worth of typed information and 3 hours worth of work for nothing). I felt like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I checked the AutoRecover settings- it was still set to save every 2 minutes. But nothing was in the AutoRecover folder when I opened it. I tried a few more things, came up with nothing, and finally came to the sickening conclusion that I was going to have to go back and reread and retype all I had read and typed since that morning.
First time in a while I broke down in tears in work. I didn't care (my FWA was the only one who saw me anyway). That was a lot of fucking work I lost. I don't understand why it didn't autosave like it's supposed to. Or why even if I accidentally closed out of Word, it didn't ask me if I wanted to save my changes when I made many changes since I opened it that morning.
I am so beyond frustrated with my work output. I honestly don't know what I can do to be able to concentrate better and work faster. I feel like my brain can't even function anymore and it's not like my brain is overly fixated on anything right now (it seems to be on a temporary hiatus from convincing me I have something wrong with me. I dread to know what will follow premature menopause, because each new one seems to terrify me more). I'm starting to wonder if I sustained brain damage at some point and my family is neglecting to tell me.
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