Random Thoughts

Damn, I have had mild cramping all day. It's on the left side right about where the ovaries show on a diagram. And it's been spreading to my back and down my left thigh. I am really starting to think something is going on with my women parts. I want to scream.

And one day I was thinking about having the transvaginal ultrasound and a horrifying though occurred to me- what if I have no trouble getting it in and in the midst of the test, I have an orgasm? I don't even know if that could happen, but lord, that would be embarrassing.

Earlier I ran to the market after lunch, figuring it would be somewhat safe since it was still during work hours. Not the case. The market was a madhouse. And when I was finished, I saw a checkout lane that was just finishing up with it's last customer and I started to walk up and this woman with a cart full of groceries walks right in front of me and goes in the lane. I had 4 items! And I am 98% positive the dumb cow saw me walking up to the lane. I hope her cookout is a disaster.

And when I was first in the parking lot, I stopped at the crosswalk to let these two older men, one using one of those ride on carts, and when they went by, they thanked me for stopping. I just kind of shrugged and smiled. Why wouldn't I have stopped? It's the law. I probably would have stopped anyway, but it just kind of made me feel bad that they thanked me. I don't know why.

Earlier I almost started a fight with my mother. My father had been cooking something and I had my tray of food on the counter, waiting to go in, and after he gets his out, he turns the oven off. And I started complaining and my mom starts nagging on me, that he didn't know blah blah blah. Well, there was a reason my food was sitting there! My bad. I forgot that it is only okay for her to ever talk bad about him. I am really getting tired of double standards, because I know damn well if my father had done the same thing to my mother, she would have thrown a bigger fit than I did.

And since my father got that diagnosis, it's worse. My mother babies him. And I guess I am clearly a horrible person, because I don't care what he was diagnosed with- if my husband treated me the way my father treated my mother, I would not raise one finger for him.

And I had a thought earlier- if something ever happens to my grandparents and my father dares tries to offer any kind of comfort or sympathy to me, I don't even know what I will do.

And since I am already making myself look bad, I may as well keep going. I am tired of hearing that story about that girl with cystic fibrosis and the lung transplant. Enough is enough. And it's all fine and dandy that she got lungs, but the whole story unsettles me. You can't get what you want, so you sue? How many other people have waited for organs and never got them? It just seemed all so convenient. The parents whined, sued, and next thing you know, the kid is getting lungs. I think there is something missing whenever this story is told on the news.

And of course the first day they announced she was getting lungs, I made a comment and my mother was right there defending, because she is one of those people who just things kids are just OMGZ so wonderful and special! And I said to her, "answer me this- if I was on a transplant list and it was either me or some kid, you would rather the kid get it than your own child?" and she said "well, that's a tough one". I just looked at her. I clearly don't have much respect for my own life and probably wouldn't bother with an organ transplant anyway, but nice to know my mother would rather an organ go to some brat she doesn't even know over her own child.

Ugh, I really do not want to go to this party. Really, really do not want to.