Random Thoughts

Well....I am spotting again. I started yesterday. I don't know where I got 10 days from the first day of my period as being the time I usually start spotting again. It's usually around 13 days from it. Just about the time. I feel like crap. I feel just like I do before my period, but a much milder version of it. So I have to put up with PMS-lite right at the middle of my cycle, it will last for a few days, and then PMS time comes. So maybe for one week out of every cycle I actually feel somewhat decent. I was up from 6AM to 9AM because I was so upset over it. I am so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. Medical professionals are no help. They don't even try to find out what is causing it. It's just birth control or nothing.

Oh and there is the whole having no medical thing, too.

And to add more to my mountain o'stress, I am now starting to get really concerned that I may have an eating disorder. Peachy. Just what I need. In addition to depression, anxiety, OCD, and social phobia, why not add an eating disorder? I also wouldn't be surprised if an undiagnosed case of borderline personality disorder is hiding in there somewhere. I thought my former psychiatrist was onto something with bipolar, but now I am not so sure. Now I have said I am not one to diagnonsense myself or others, but I am starting to think I sound more borderline than bipolar.

I am starting to also think the time has finally come for me to cut down on my intake of diet Coke, despite how much as I love it. I feel like my body is more polluted than the Delaware River. I am starting to side eye everything I put into my body, wondering what kind of damage it is doing to my body. I don't even want to eat anything anymore. Except oatmeal. For some reason, I am really loving oatmeal anymore. Plain oatmeal with nothing on it. YUM.

You know, it has been such a long time since my sister and I have hung out. It kind of annoys me. For a few weeks up until she gave birth, it was always she wants to do something but she doesn't want to eat out because then she'll have swelling. Which I understand.....until she would say the next day or later on in the week that she went to some restaurant that we would normally eat at. One Saturday I thought maybe we would do something, but she pulled the swelling card. Then I found out later on she went to Friday's for dinner. Is she kidding me?? Look, I am fine with her not hanging out with me all of the time. She is married and now has a baby. But for the longest time she hung out with me because hubby wasn't around. Now that he is, it's like screw you sis, I don't need you. And maybe I am wrong to feel this way (wouldn't be the first time), but I feel used.

And I thought it was just me getting annoyed with how my BIL is all over helping my sister when she is doing things for the baby. Helping is fine, but he is ridiculous. It's like he doesn't trust her. My grandparents were over the other day and my sister was doing something with feeding the baby and I don't know what my BIL was doing, but later on my grandmother said to my mother something like geeze, my granddaughter can't feed her own child without him having to butt in? When we were over last Friday, I asked if I could change the baby for the first time, and my sister and I got up to head downstairs and my BIL followed. I was like are you kidding me? My sister and I are perfectly capable of changing the baby ourselves! I might not care for children, but I did work in a daycare. I know how to change a baby! I have never changed one that little, of course, but it's not like I am not going to decide to devour my damn nephew or something! God! I don't know how my sister stands it. She worries about her mother-in-law making her feel inadequate? I don't know how dear hubby doesn't make her feel inadequate! I would lose my patience quickly and scream look, buddy, I carried this kid for 9 months and delivered it; get off my back!

Next week on the Weather Channel is going to be Tornado Survival week. The commercials says a tornado drops from the sky, what is your plan? Hm. Well, seeing as I probably wouldn't stand a chance at surviving, I'd probably do the Clamu on an emotional rampage reaction- scream and run in circles. Ugh, I am dreading spring and summer.