I know that feeling. And have been on the end of it many times, of people telling me they won't judge me or whatever, only to do exactly that and abandon me in the end. And people wonder why I have no friends? Because I don't trust anyone. Because at this point, I am pretty much convinced every person who spews this bullshit at me is ultimately going to judge me and abandon me in the end. And I'd rather just save myself the hurt and not take not the risk .
And the sad thing is, what these people see is only the tip of the iceberg. They don't know how much emotional abuse I dole out on myself. Or how much of a worthless no good piece of shit I think I am. Or how I stand in front of the mirror and want to scream because I hate what I am seeing. Or how I seriously consider damaging my eyes because I am so fucking sick and tired of analyzing my body for signs of hyperpigmentation. Or how I want to hit my head hard enough to case enough damage to erase most of my memory. Or how much I think about suicide (every day, all day). *TRIGGER WARNING* Of taking an entire bottle of pills with a bottle of alcohol. Of hanging myself. Of flooring my car into a concrete barrier. Of plugging my car's exhaust pipe and doing myself in by carbon monoxide poisoning. Or how every bridge I go over, I wonder how terrible it would be to jump off of. Of how I wish I had a gun to blow my brains out. *seriously do not finish reading this if you are sensitive or squeamish* Or how every time I listen to "I Found a Whistle", I think about how I would like to take a knife and cut myself, and then write the lines "such conviction/to paint all the walls with the blood/of the young and the faithful and the good" on the wall with my own blood, and then literally paint the walls with the rest of my blood and with my brain matter. Most of this is just thoughts, not anything I'd probably ever act on, but imagine if they knew this shit.
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