Random Thoughts

And so the holiday season officially begins. Blah. It would be great if one of these years I could actually feel happy about the holidays. The holidays are always my favorite time of the year and it would be nice if just one year I could actually NOT spend the bulk of it wishing I could buy a gun and blow my brains out. Or wanting to burst into tears when we are celebrating my birthday because I wish I wasn't around for it. I dread next year's birthday when I turn 30.

I went out on Tuesday with my sister, brother-in-law, and his brother and wife. We went to see Wreck It Ralph (cute movie, by the way) and to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner (this is the first and will probably be the last time I can say I walked into there and was seated immediately). It was an awkward night to say the least. My BIL was in one of his moods. And the other two are nice, but strange. And do not talk much. I had to sit in the back of the car with them and it was just awkward. Nobody was talking, no music. I kept thinking, Jesus, will someone just say something already? I do not think my sister was in a pleasant mood with them either.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned how when I go out to eat, I always feel awkward about eating. I guess maybe because I still see myself as a fat ass and judge myself on how I eat that everyone else does as well. You know, I find it kind of odd that I always feel invisible, yet I always feel like everyone is judging me. But whatever. When I go out to eat, it's almost torturous at times. And when I went out on Tuesday, it was one of those times. Neither of the other two eat much, and weigh about 5 pounds each. When we got our meals, at first I felt really self-conscious, like everyone is going to think yeah, like you need to eat that. And then halfway through the meal, I thought you know what, fuck this shit and ate my entire meal. Every bit of grilled cheese, every French fry. When I got my cheesecake, I ate every bit of that. I normally always eat everything on my plate when I go out to eat anyway. But I hate that I have to feel self-conscious about it.

It was odd not having Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving. It did not even feel like Thanksgiving. It just felt like any other day. I do still wish I had saved my pie, but I knew I would maybe be going to dinner on Tuesday so I figured I'd save my pie for Thursday, eat good Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. Instead, I ended up eating out on Sunday, so I figured what the hell, and ate the pie Sunday. It tends to get a little irritating working out how to eat all week. It would be easier if some people didn't guilt trip me constantly about not wanting to eat certain things.