Monday, April 30, 2012
Random Thoughts
Well, at least I had a decent weekend for once. Friday I attempted to go see American Reunion with my sister and brother-in-law, but we ended up getting a refund for our tickets because the theater was packed. We ended up at Target instead. Saturday, I finally got my Longhorn fix, and then went to see The Five Year Engagement. Nothing terribly exciting, but better than sitting in.
It's strange, when I started this post, I had a mindful of things to discuss and now my head is completely blank of what those things were. I got distracted looking at another webpage and guess I lost it all somewhere in that time. I have been comparing health information technology programs between the two closest community colleges. It's not particularly my ideal field, but I would like to go into the healthcare field and preferably something with nonpatient contact, and HIT seems to be the best match. The community college I did attend, their program you have to be admitted in to. The other school you do not. I'd rather go with the latter, provided all of my 29 credits transfer, although 2 of those credits would have to be disregarded. My school's medical terminology course was only worth 2 credits and the other school (and pretty much any other college, should I decide to go on for a Bachelor's, which I certainly would like to, but just taking the step to get an associate's is borderline overwhelming to me) is worth 3.
I just want to pull my life back together. I was so thrilled back in 2009 when I got my job that finally, I could start stitching up bits and parts of my life. Only to have it all unravel again in August of this past year. And yeah, okay, maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what is necessary, but it was such a long ridiculous nightmare before I got that job and I remember constantly saying I hope I never have to go through something like this again, only for it to happen all over again. Just thank god I didn't end up in the hospital again, although I don't deny that I have seriously thought of going there again. I think my experience there would be a lot different than last time because I know what to expect this time around. And like I have said before, I would not allow anyone on staff to treat me the way those assholes did when I was there.
But I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a life experience that I would prefer to stay in the past and be forgotten, but as of now, that is not happening, because my mind is stuck on PAST and doesn't seem to want to move forward.
I still have people making comments to be about not losing any more weight, despite the fact that I have not lost any weight since last year. I have been maintaining my weight since before the wedding. And possibly even up a couple pounds since then. I have finally reached the point that I am actually happy with my weight. Do I still have days where I wish I was thinner? Of course. But it has been so many damn years since I have been happy with my weight. And naturally, something else has to go wrong. I am finally happy with my weight and I don't feel good. And I can't get an answer. And we should all know by know what I think the answer is.
And I swear, almost every week something new comes along to convince me I have it. What I think looks like nail beading was what, last week or so? My arm is still sore from when I banged my head against it, so right away I recall reading about people who were diagnosed with it having a difficult time recovering from injuries. It's always goddamn something. I've said it before, at least a hundred times, but for the love of God, I just want this fear to go away. It would just be nice to one day not have to look at my face and try to recall if it was lighter before or if that freckle or this freckle was there before, or to not have to take my blood pressure. I was actually on Google the other day researching the price of an ACTH stimulation test, because I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I am at my wit's end and I am starting to get afraid that this obsession is going to drive me mad. Mad to the point that one day I am going to decide suicide is the only way I can get away from it. And it does not help that I have a list that seems to grow almost everyday to help contribute in making that decision one day.
But somehow I have a feeling that asking for the test would be difficult. I have read many stories of people who were eventually diagnosed with Addison's and what they went through to get the diagnosis was unreal, including many being told it was in their head. The fact that so many of these people came in with very clear signs of the disease and were still being refused the test by doctors tells me I would probably have similar, if not worse, difficulties in having the test done. Nor do I particularly want to have it done unless someone truly suspects I have it. Having had subjected myself to a bone scan and being injected with radioactive stuff for no reason was enough. Being injected with a synthetic hormone freaks me out just as much, if not more.
And this neverending heartburn is starting to drive me up the wall. Medicine is not taking it away for anything. I have woken up every morning this weekend with a sore throat and hoarseness. I must have enough acid to take the paint off of an entire car.
And as if I am not upset enough about vacation, it just occured to me that I probably am not going to get any sleep. My sister has been having trouble sleeping because her husband has been snoring like the hounds of hell, and when we go on vacation, I share the double bedroom with them. I have a difficult enough time falling asleep, and if it's not quiet enough to hear a pin drop, forget it. And when I don't sleep, I am a miserable bitch. I am seriously about to just stay home.
On a less negative note, tonight's Yo Gabba Gabba was the "Art" episode. Two times in one week! To what do I owe this honor?!
It's strange, when I started this post, I had a mindful of things to discuss and now my head is completely blank of what those things were. I got distracted looking at another webpage and guess I lost it all somewhere in that time. I have been comparing health information technology programs between the two closest community colleges. It's not particularly my ideal field, but I would like to go into the healthcare field and preferably something with nonpatient contact, and HIT seems to be the best match. The community college I did attend, their program you have to be admitted in to. The other school you do not. I'd rather go with the latter, provided all of my 29 credits transfer, although 2 of those credits would have to be disregarded. My school's medical terminology course was only worth 2 credits and the other school (and pretty much any other college, should I decide to go on for a Bachelor's, which I certainly would like to, but just taking the step to get an associate's is borderline overwhelming to me) is worth 3.
I just want to pull my life back together. I was so thrilled back in 2009 when I got my job that finally, I could start stitching up bits and parts of my life. Only to have it all unravel again in August of this past year. And yeah, okay, maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what is necessary, but it was such a long ridiculous nightmare before I got that job and I remember constantly saying I hope I never have to go through something like this again, only for it to happen all over again. Just thank god I didn't end up in the hospital again, although I don't deny that I have seriously thought of going there again. I think my experience there would be a lot different than last time because I know what to expect this time around. And like I have said before, I would not allow anyone on staff to treat me the way those assholes did when I was there.
But I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a life experience that I would prefer to stay in the past and be forgotten, but as of now, that is not happening, because my mind is stuck on PAST and doesn't seem to want to move forward.
I still have people making comments to be about not losing any more weight, despite the fact that I have not lost any weight since last year. I have been maintaining my weight since before the wedding. And possibly even up a couple pounds since then. I have finally reached the point that I am actually happy with my weight. Do I still have days where I wish I was thinner? Of course. But it has been so many damn years since I have been happy with my weight. And naturally, something else has to go wrong. I am finally happy with my weight and I don't feel good. And I can't get an answer. And we should all know by know what I think the answer is.
And I swear, almost every week something new comes along to convince me I have it. What I think looks like nail beading was what, last week or so? My arm is still sore from when I banged my head against it, so right away I recall reading about people who were diagnosed with it having a difficult time recovering from injuries. It's always goddamn something. I've said it before, at least a hundred times, but for the love of God, I just want this fear to go away. It would just be nice to one day not have to look at my face and try to recall if it was lighter before or if that freckle or this freckle was there before, or to not have to take my blood pressure. I was actually on Google the other day researching the price of an ACTH stimulation test, because I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I am at my wit's end and I am starting to get afraid that this obsession is going to drive me mad. Mad to the point that one day I am going to decide suicide is the only way I can get away from it. And it does not help that I have a list that seems to grow almost everyday to help contribute in making that decision one day.
But somehow I have a feeling that asking for the test would be difficult. I have read many stories of people who were eventually diagnosed with Addison's and what they went through to get the diagnosis was unreal, including many being told it was in their head. The fact that so many of these people came in with very clear signs of the disease and were still being refused the test by doctors tells me I would probably have similar, if not worse, difficulties in having the test done. Nor do I particularly want to have it done unless someone truly suspects I have it. Having had subjected myself to a bone scan and being injected with radioactive stuff for no reason was enough. Being injected with a synthetic hormone freaks me out just as much, if not more.
And this neverending heartburn is starting to drive me up the wall. Medicine is not taking it away for anything. I have woken up every morning this weekend with a sore throat and hoarseness. I must have enough acid to take the paint off of an entire car.
And as if I am not upset enough about vacation, it just occured to me that I probably am not going to get any sleep. My sister has been having trouble sleeping because her husband has been snoring like the hounds of hell, and when we go on vacation, I share the double bedroom with them. I have a difficult enough time falling asleep, and if it's not quiet enough to hear a pin drop, forget it. And when I don't sleep, I am a miserable bitch. I am seriously about to just stay home.
On a less negative note, tonight's Yo Gabba Gabba was the "Art" episode. Two times in one week! To what do I owe this honor?!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Picture Of The Day
*sniffs* So true.
Speaking of which, this was my horoscope yesterday:
Of course I know what it's like. I am the goddamn queen of unrequited love. I have yet to turn it into something beautiful, though.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Dammit
For the hell of it, I decided to sign into my MySpace account and while I was looking around at different things, I decided to check my mailbox and I found a message from my friend who died in the car accident and after I read it, I burst into tears. And it didn't help that I was listening to "I Found A Whistle" while I was reading it. And now I can't stop crying. And I am having erratic heartbeats again, where I can feel my heart pause and then start up with a big thump, which is making me even more upset and anxious and making me almost hyperventilate, which is wreaking even more havoc on my heart rate.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Random Thoughts
As I said, I had to go to the dentist on Tuesday. And it would have been good. Because I am uninsured, my dentist exam fee was waived, my x-ray fees were waived, and I had to pay $100 for the entire visit. Now I mentioned before that I had a tooth bothering me. No cavities were found. Thought I was in the clear of having to put out anymore money....and then I was told I had a chip in a filling in my very back molar. So now I have to put out $180 to have that filled in. I am so annoyed. I was so worried that I would have to pay a ton of money for a cavity. Instead now I have to put out money to have a stupid filling fixed. Oh and my tooth is still bothering me. GRRR!
My head had been hurting on the left side pretty much all day and I keep getting a stabbing pain over my left eye. It's not a bad ache, just very annoying. And earlier I started wondering if maybe it had something to do with me banging my head against the wall the other night. And I started to get a little worried. And then I thought oh who fucking cares? I really do not.
This self-injuring has to stop. But when I do it, it's just like when I snap out on someone- it's like something has taken over my body and I am not myself when I do it. I don't want to end up injuring myself really bad, like breaking a bone. No. I don't need that right now.
I wish one day I could read something on Addison's disease that would basically be concrete evidence that I do not have it. Honestly I felt a lot worse back when it first started and like I said before, my mother always tells me that if I did have it, she thinks I would be feeling a lot worse than I do and I would be progessively feeling worse. Which makes sense. But again, then I read "The gradual onset and nonspecific nature of early symptoms often lead to an incorrect initial diagnosis of neurosis" (source) and "Unfortunately, the slowly progressive chronic symptoms are usually missed or ignored until a sudden event like a flu virus, an accident, or the need for surgery suddenly precipitates a dramatic change for the worse because of the deficient response from the adrenals to one of these stresses" (source) and I get nervous all over again.
Also, it doesn't help that I seem to be experiencing orthostatic hypotension symptoms (with no proof of blood pressure drop yet) more than usual. I am like a caged animal most of the day because I don't know what to do standing up but I get sick with worry every time that I sit or lay down, that when I go to get up, I am going to feel lightheaded. And it's making me really irritable, on top of everything else. I have been sleeping horribly. I cry almost every night before I go to bed. My head won't stop running. Lack of sleep, suicidal ideation, exhaustion, multiple obsessions, the need to constantly analyze my skin- it's all turning me into one cranky bitch.
I am tired of suicidal ideation. I have no formulated plan or anything, just a terribly strong desire to die. Sure I have suicidal fantasies, sick twisted ideas like blowing my brains out with "Time To Pretend" blasting or running and jumping off a bridge or flooring my car into a concrete wall, but they are never any methods I would really want to use. I feel that I am just too awful of a person to deserve happiness, and therefore do not deserve to be alive. I am no fucking good. Every so often I hear of deaths on the news, or read about them in the paper, and I wish I had been taken instead of that person, because I feel that person was not evil and deserved to live more than me. I saw an obituary in the paper earlier and a 15 year-old kid had died and it made me sad. I probably would have cried if I had been alone in the room.
I read a new MGMT post earlier and this was my reaction to it. And I noticed Andrew has a stain on his shirt in the first picture. It's distracting me to no end; I want to rub a Tide stick on it. And I want to brush (and perhaps maybe wash) his hair. Also, why do people keep comparing Andrew to Jake Gyllenhaal? I do not see the resemblence. At all.
And you know what else annoys me? I fanned Ben and Andrew on Facebook. I don't know if it's their actual fanpages or not, but they seem close to legit. The difference in number of fans between the two is ridiculously huge. I'm talking close to 47,000 for Andrew and almost 3,000 for Ben. What the hell? I'd be a LIAR if I said I didn't get the Andrew worship, but I do not understand the dislike for Ben. It's incomprehensible. How can anyone like MGMT, but not like Ben? You have to like the both of them! They're two halves of a whole! You can't like one without the other! It's like saying you love ice cream sandwiches, but then saying you hate the ice cream in the middle! Or saying you love an Oreo Blizzard, but hate Oreos! I don't even know if that makes sense!
My head had been hurting on the left side pretty much all day and I keep getting a stabbing pain over my left eye. It's not a bad ache, just very annoying. And earlier I started wondering if maybe it had something to do with me banging my head against the wall the other night. And I started to get a little worried. And then I thought oh who fucking cares? I really do not.
This self-injuring has to stop. But when I do it, it's just like when I snap out on someone- it's like something has taken over my body and I am not myself when I do it. I don't want to end up injuring myself really bad, like breaking a bone. No. I don't need that right now.
I wish one day I could read something on Addison's disease that would basically be concrete evidence that I do not have it. Honestly I felt a lot worse back when it first started and like I said before, my mother always tells me that if I did have it, she thinks I would be feeling a lot worse than I do and I would be progessively feeling worse. Which makes sense. But again, then I read "The gradual onset and nonspecific nature of early symptoms often lead to an incorrect initial diagnosis of neurosis" (source) and "Unfortunately, the slowly progressive chronic symptoms are usually missed or ignored until a sudden event like a flu virus, an accident, or the need for surgery suddenly precipitates a dramatic change for the worse because of the deficient response from the adrenals to one of these stresses" (source) and I get nervous all over again.
Also, it doesn't help that I seem to be experiencing orthostatic hypotension symptoms (with no proof of blood pressure drop yet) more than usual. I am like a caged animal most of the day because I don't know what to do standing up but I get sick with worry every time that I sit or lay down, that when I go to get up, I am going to feel lightheaded. And it's making me really irritable, on top of everything else. I have been sleeping horribly. I cry almost every night before I go to bed. My head won't stop running. Lack of sleep, suicidal ideation, exhaustion, multiple obsessions, the need to constantly analyze my skin- it's all turning me into one cranky bitch.
I am tired of suicidal ideation. I have no formulated plan or anything, just a terribly strong desire to die. Sure I have suicidal fantasies, sick twisted ideas like blowing my brains out with "Time To Pretend" blasting or running and jumping off a bridge or flooring my car into a concrete wall, but they are never any methods I would really want to use. I feel that I am just too awful of a person to deserve happiness, and therefore do not deserve to be alive. I am no fucking good. Every so often I hear of deaths on the news, or read about them in the paper, and I wish I had been taken instead of that person, because I feel that person was not evil and deserved to live more than me. I saw an obituary in the paper earlier and a 15 year-old kid had died and it made me sad. I probably would have cried if I had been alone in the room.
I read a new MGMT post earlier and this was my reaction to it. And I noticed Andrew has a stain on his shirt in the first picture. It's distracting me to no end; I want to rub a Tide stick on it. And I want to brush (and perhaps maybe wash) his hair. Also, why do people keep comparing Andrew to Jake Gyllenhaal? I do not see the resemblence. At all.
And you know what else annoys me? I fanned Ben and Andrew on Facebook. I don't know if it's their actual fanpages or not, but they seem close to legit. The difference in number of fans between the two is ridiculously huge. I'm talking close to 47,000 for Andrew and almost 3,000 for Ben. What the hell? I'd be a LIAR if I said I didn't get the Andrew worship, but I do not understand the dislike for Ben. It's incomprehensible. How can anyone like MGMT, but not like Ben? You have to like the both of them! They're two halves of a whole! You can't like one without the other! It's like saying you love ice cream sandwiches, but then saying you hate the ice cream in the middle! Or saying you love an Oreo Blizzard, but hate Oreos! I don't even know if that makes sense!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Video Of The Day
I think I have finally started to like it enough to make it VotD:
That poor strange creature....except I would totally walk along and have various body parts fall off of me if I could trade places with that thing in the screen shot. O hai Androo! You can just keep on stroking my head there. Don't just sit there by yourself, Ben. You can join in as well. No, wait. I am not giving you an option here. You put that guitar down and get your ass over here.
God, I need to get laid already.
That poor strange creature....except I would totally walk along and have various body parts fall off of me if I could trade places with that thing in the screen shot. O hai Androo! You can just keep on stroking my head there. Don't just sit there by yourself, Ben. You can join in as well. No, wait. I am not giving you an option here. You put that guitar down and get your ass over here.
God, I need to get laid already.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The WTF Of The Day
I just sent my resume over to a company on Career Builder and after it went through, I was given a list of recommended jobs. One immediately caught my eye:
Clearly someone has been watching a lot of Dumb & Dumber.
Speaking of jobs, I have a sticky issue on my hands. Back when I first found out I was losing my job, my aunt's friend's niece had sent my resume to HR at her company. I came thisclose to having an interview, and then the company had to pull its current job opportunities. At first I thought maybe it was just a way to tell me they weren't interested, but I did eventually find out it was the truth. The niece told me back at the holidays that she would definitely keep an eye out and keep in touch with HR should it open up again. Well, it's opened up again. I want to say something to her about it, but I don't want to be pushy about it. But I need a job. I don't know what to do.
Ugh....I don't care if it's been almost 7 months since I lost my job....wait, holy shit, it's been almost 7 months already?! Sweet zombie Jesus, where has the time gone? Oh right. It's been flying by while I am slowly losing my sanity, which if I am eventually going to lose it completely, I wish it would just happen already because I can't imagine it getting worse. But anyway, 7 months and I still want to punch the wall every time I think of being laid off.
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Clearly someone has been watching a lot of Dumb & Dumber.
Speaking of jobs, I have a sticky issue on my hands. Back when I first found out I was losing my job, my aunt's friend's niece had sent my resume to HR at her company. I came thisclose to having an interview, and then the company had to pull its current job opportunities. At first I thought maybe it was just a way to tell me they weren't interested, but I did eventually find out it was the truth. The niece told me back at the holidays that she would definitely keep an eye out and keep in touch with HR should it open up again. Well, it's opened up again. I want to say something to her about it, but I don't want to be pushy about it. But I need a job. I don't know what to do.
Ugh....I don't care if it's been almost 7 months since I lost my job....wait, holy shit, it's been almost 7 months already?! Sweet zombie Jesus, where has the time gone? Oh right. It's been flying by while I am slowly losing my sanity, which if I am eventually going to lose it completely, I wish it would just happen already because I can't imagine it getting worse. But anyway, 7 months and I still want to punch the wall every time I think of being laid off.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I hope when I go to bed tonight, I am able to sleep better. I have been having really bad insomnia lately and since I do not want to take sleeping medication, I have been taking a lot of Advil. I know it is a muscle relaxer, but I often wonder if the fact that I can fall asleep easier when I take it is really kind of a placebo effect.
I am also wondering if the wicked heartburn I have been having has anything to do with taking it. It has been exceptionally bad lately. Every time I eat, I get pain all across my shoulder blades. My stomach and esophagus feel completely raw. I took medicine earlier, but it didn't help.
I was having a really difficult time falling asleep last night because my mind was running on 100%. I went out and watched TV for a little bit. Went back to bed and I still couldn't fall asleep. I put my headphones on and started crying. Then I sat up and leaned against the wall and my mind really started running and I just wanted to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! Instead, I banged my head against the wall, hitting it hard enough at one time to actually feel a slight vibration in my skull. And then I thought what the hell am I doing? This is about the third time this week that I have actually tried to physically hurt myself.
I don't understand what is going on with my personality lately and it's really starting to worry and scare me (and I will give you one guess what I am assuming has to do with it). I do not want to ever hurt another person (unless a loved one's life is at risk), but I am so scared that one day I will. I don't like how short tempered I have been feeling.
I am so stressed and overwhelmed from this stupid fucking disorder and I think I may have finally reached the point that it has finally taken over my life. I am so preoccupied with this stupid fear of having Addison's disease, although I think the fear is actually becoming more I am scared I have something wrong with my endocrine system and not specifically Addison's, and I am so preoccupied with constantly rerunning every thing I have done wrong in my life (which is basically everything) and berating myself over it, and some other things I am obsessing over, that I basically cannot do anything else. Which is only making everything worse. I am obsessing over my wrong doings, and I am so focused on obsessing over them that I basically cannot do anything, which is putting off fixing them, and leading to more wrong doings to obsess over.
And let's not forget my self image problems. It's been covered so many damn times, but it's getting bad. There are days I want to go out with my head covered because I feel so hideous and disgusting. I am so fearful of gaining weight and I am so disgusted by fat people. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because I have been overweight.
And if you want the God's honest truth, and I really hate actually admitting this out loud, the whole reason I am scared of having Addison's is because I don't want to go on steroids and get fat. I would actually rather let myself die than gain weight from the treatment. I'd like someone to tell me that that is not a fucking sick thing to think, because I certainly think it is. I have never even told anyone this because I am so ashamed that I am actually that fucking shallow.
Being out of high school 10 years this summer and not being done school has become a terrible obsession for me and I can't stop berating myself over it and I don't even bother trying to fix it because I still find the fact that it took me so long unacceptable and unforgivable. I don't know how to stop dwelling over the past. I don't know how to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Yes, I understand humans make mistakes, but by God, there is a limit! I am so stuck in the past and I don't know how to move on. And I can't go back to school until I can finally forgive myself for not being done sooner and when I can finally reach the point where not getting a perfect grade isn't the end of the world and doesn't make me a bad person.
I am also wondering if the wicked heartburn I have been having has anything to do with taking it. It has been exceptionally bad lately. Every time I eat, I get pain all across my shoulder blades. My stomach and esophagus feel completely raw. I took medicine earlier, but it didn't help.
I was having a really difficult time falling asleep last night because my mind was running on 100%. I went out and watched TV for a little bit. Went back to bed and I still couldn't fall asleep. I put my headphones on and started crying. Then I sat up and leaned against the wall and my mind really started running and I just wanted to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! Instead, I banged my head against the wall, hitting it hard enough at one time to actually feel a slight vibration in my skull. And then I thought what the hell am I doing? This is about the third time this week that I have actually tried to physically hurt myself.
I don't understand what is going on with my personality lately and it's really starting to worry and scare me (and I will give you one guess what I am assuming has to do with it). I do not want to ever hurt another person (unless a loved one's life is at risk), but I am so scared that one day I will. I don't like how short tempered I have been feeling.
I am so stressed and overwhelmed from this stupid fucking disorder and I think I may have finally reached the point that it has finally taken over my life. I am so preoccupied with this stupid fear of having Addison's disease, although I think the fear is actually becoming more I am scared I have something wrong with my endocrine system and not specifically Addison's, and I am so preoccupied with constantly rerunning every thing I have done wrong in my life (which is basically everything) and berating myself over it, and some other things I am obsessing over, that I basically cannot do anything else. Which is only making everything worse. I am obsessing over my wrong doings, and I am so focused on obsessing over them that I basically cannot do anything, which is putting off fixing them, and leading to more wrong doings to obsess over.
And let's not forget my self image problems. It's been covered so many damn times, but it's getting bad. There are days I want to go out with my head covered because I feel so hideous and disgusting. I am so fearful of gaining weight and I am so disgusted by fat people. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because I have been overweight.
And if you want the God's honest truth, and I really hate actually admitting this out loud, the whole reason I am scared of having Addison's is because I don't want to go on steroids and get fat. I would actually rather let myself die than gain weight from the treatment. I'd like someone to tell me that that is not a fucking sick thing to think, because I certainly think it is. I have never even told anyone this because I am so ashamed that I am actually that fucking shallow.
Being out of high school 10 years this summer and not being done school has become a terrible obsession for me and I can't stop berating myself over it and I don't even bother trying to fix it because I still find the fact that it took me so long unacceptable and unforgivable. I don't know how to stop dwelling over the past. I don't know how to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Yes, I understand humans make mistakes, but by God, there is a limit! I am so stuck in the past and I don't know how to move on. And I can't go back to school until I can finally forgive myself for not being done sooner and when I can finally reach the point where not getting a perfect grade isn't the end of the world and doesn't make me a bad person.
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