Random Thoughts

Good news! I only had to work until 5 today!

Better news! I actually slept half-decent last night! I did wake up once, maybe twice, and had some strange ass dreams, borderline nightmares, but doesn't matter- I actually slept! Today was a pill day and I did remember to take it while I was on lunch, so let's see what happens tonight. If I sleep better tonight, then hopefully the insomnia problems are resolving.

I had to listen to my FWA bitch for the second time this month about a patient walking in on her while she is in the bathroom pumping. First off, I would not be the least bit surprised if she wasn't fully locking the door. And second off, WHY THE FUCK is she using the patient bathroom to pump her tits, especially on days when we actually have patients? I'd ask is she stupid or something, but we all know the answer to that. She has no business whatsoever hogging the patient bathroom a half hour at a time. It's one thing if we have no patients that day, but the days we do, she should not be using it. But god forbid she think of someone other than herself.

It would be nice if she would start thinking you know what someone has to sit at my desk at lunch maybe I should clean it. Yeah, right. Her entire desk is disgusting. Her keyboard is absolutely repulsive. I should do like my old man said and one day sit at her desk and break something up in my hand and sprinkle it all over her keyboard. She probably wouldn't even notice. Between her nasty ass and her fat lazy nasty ass boyfriend, I can just imagine what their apartment looks like. And to think of all of those pictures of her brat playing on the floor....that floor is probably a bio-hazard. God, she is so fucking nasty.

Ugh, it needs to be the weekend already. 

Hmprh

Well, taking the medicine earlier in the day didn't help. I'll try taking it in the morning tomorrow and see what happens. I'm so exhausted I can't even stand it.

I've been feeling kind of hyper and extra irritable lately and I am starting to worry that the medicine might bring on mania. I've never been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but it was never ruled out, either.

My boss asked me yesterday if I wanted to do overtime this week if it got approved and I reluctantly agreed. No one answered her yesterday so I was hoping that I would be off the hook. No such luck; I came in to an email this morning that it was approved. I don't think I would care so much if I wasn't so damn sleep deprived.

Ugh. Just think of the money....think of the money....

Random Thoughts

So I am finally less nauseous and bloated....and now I have insomnia. And I thought, well maybe I need to change the time of my taking of the pill, but I am still having insomnia on my "off" days as well. I was up about a million times last night and I am fucking EXHAUSTED. And cranky. Of course, I am also past the midpoint of my cycle and am probably entering PMS territory as well.

Today was a day to take a pill so I took it with me to take when I ate lunch (I would have taken it first thing this morning, but I was afraid of it making me sick). It was 3:00PM when I realized I had forgotten to take it at lunch, so I ended up taking it later than I wanted to. I swear, I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.

I woke up feeling kind of jittery and on edge and I am still feeling that way, maybe slightly worse. My heart is racing. I wish I knew if the medicine is making me feel this way. I don't know how long to give it before I decide to stick with it or say the hell with it. Of course, going off of it and seeing if it was causing any of the symptoms I have been having isn't going to be an easy short task either, considering Prozac has such a frigging long half-life.

I asked my FWA a question earlier, then realized I had another and at that point, she had picked up her phone and was texting and didn't put it down once while I was talking to her, very obviously not paying attention to my question. I was ready to grab it from her and slam it down on the desk and yell "bitch I am fucking talking to you, pay attention!".

Last night there was an article on ONTD about one of the girls from Little Mix saying she was glad she doesn't have a penis and the Twitter SJWs had a collective coronary and accused her of discounting transgender women. Really, people? Pretty sure she was referring to herself. I'm glad I don't have a penis, but that doesn't mean I don't think transgender women are any less woman than me. Please. If anything, probably most of them are more woman than me. How do these people survive in the world being offended by every little thing? And they're not just offended by every little thing, they constantly seek out things to be offended by. Like this.

I have "Gold" blasting so damn loud in my ears right now, no wonder I can't hear. Sir Sly played with KONGOS at the Electric Factory a few weeks ago. Since then I've pretty much been like

Song Of The Day

I heard this song yesterday for the first time and it occurred to me that I still hadn't gotten the new CD yet and by luck, Targe had it on sale this week so I picked it up today. Have to say I am really digging it so far, possibly even more than Night Visions.

WHY

The past 2 or so weekends, Food Factory hasn't been on on Sunday evenings.

Random Thoughts

Man, I wish Food Factory was on right now. There is squat on on Friday nights. I briefly thought about putting a movie on- been dying to watch Brain Candy- but I just didn't have the attention span to sit through a move.

The roads weren't too hot this morning, but of course work was open normal time. I was doing okay until I came up to this one intersection. I thought I braked slow enough and far enough back, but as I started braking, my car ended up doing a 90 degree turn (when my car finally stopped my passenger side was facing the intersection). And no matter how many times I can read what to do in those situations, when it actually happens, I still immediately panicked and thought oh god what do I do oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Thank god I was the only one at the intersection, otherwise I probably would have hit someone. And of course, now that I think about it, I am starting to feel panicky and anxious that I could have almost got into an accident today.

And once I got my car righted and was waiting for the light to turn green, a Toyota SUV came up behind me. And was behind me almost the entire ride to work. Up my ass. I continued driving slow and shot them dirty looks in the rear view mirror. Then I finally get rid of them and I turn on to the road I take through an industrial park to get to my work place....and another Toyota SUV comes up behind me. And rides my ass until he finally got the opportunity to fly around me. And then the whole ride home from work, I had a minivan up my ass. A Toyota minivan. Was today "if you drive a Toyota, drive like a jackass" day or something?

I didn't dare tell my mother when I called to let her know I got to work okay about my car spinning out; she would have went absolutely ballistic on me. I could just see it now- why would you have continued to drive to work after that? Why didn't you come home instead? No place is worth your life, especially that place! Good god, I would have gotten the guilt trip of a lifetime.

I did take a Prozac last night. I am feeling pretty bloated and have occasional waves of nausea, but so far I have been okay. I didn't sleep too great, though; I'm thinking maybe I need to find a new time slot to take it. I also am still having that weird tingly feeling throughout my body and I feel like every thing in my body is shaking. I also swear the pills give me hot flashes.

We had a meeting today and a couple times my coworkers, as well as my boss, ripped in to some newer employees and their work. I just mentally shook my head. I felt like saying "oh, and I suppose no one in here was ever new and had to learn to do their job? No? You all just knew how to do it perfectly right off the bat?" I mean, sure we seem to get person after person who just never seems to get the hang of anything, but JFC right off the bat my coworkers have no sympathy for anyone just starting and/or with no medical background. Oh but I forgot- all of my coworkers are absolutely perfect and know how to do everything and never make any mistakes. Ever.

Random Thoughts

Snowed again today. I think we got something like 6 inches or so. We opened at regular time, of course, though to be fair it had just started snowing when I woke up at 7. We got to leave at 3. I fared relatively well driving home. Thank god I got new tires before the winter, because my old ones would have never stood up to this weather.

I woke up feeling very strange this morning, an almost tingling-like sensation running down my spine and spreading out into my arms and legs. Fuzzy-headed feeling. Had another headache brewing today, this time over the left eye. Oh, and I was super crabby. And there is only one thing I can having to do with it all- stopping the Prozac. So I guess I will be trying it again tonight, but I am not taking it every night for now. I am not looking forward to this.

Five pills. That's all I have taken total. And it's already embedded that much into my system that I can already feel the effects of stopping it. And people wonder why I am so reluctant to put this shit in my body? Really- how are they any different than illegal drugs?

Ughhhhhhh

I woke up feeling very warm and anxious this morning and my heart was racing.At first I thought it was just from not taking medicine for the past 2 days, but I woke up feeling the same way on Sunday. I felt so bad that on my way to work, I seriously contemplated pulling over and calling my boss and telling her I'd be late because I was going to head to the ER. More than likely they wouldn't have done anything for me, but maybe someone could have given me a little bit of help. I ended up just heading to work and a few hours later I caved and took an Ativan.

The bloating has seemed to calm down some and while I am still getting waves of nausea, it's not nearly as bad. All day long, though, I kept feeling warm and I feel like the whole inside of my body is shaking. So far my return to psych meds has not been a positive experience, which is not going to help my mistrust of them by any means.

And it's not just the physical side effects bothering me. I have been having some pretty unsettling emotional thoughts as well. Like getting so frustrated from the side effects that I start to think why I should I even bother trying? Why shouldn't I just say the hell with it and end it all?

And yet, people think it's so easy to treat mental illness....

Ughhhh

I was so anxious, nauseous, and bloated yesterday that I ended up not taking any Prozac last night. I kept breaking out in warm flashes (just feeling warm, no sweating). I didn't have any urge to pee until almost 3:30PM (last time I had used the bathroom was when I woke up at 6:15AM), despite drinking about 56 oz of water, 2 cups of coffee, and a can of diet Coke. I also was full of heartburn; I felt like I had about a gallon of acid in my stomach and all day I felt like any second everything was going to come up. I woke up today feeling remarkably less nauseous, but still very bloated and anxious. And I have had a headache brewing over my right eye since I left work, despite taking 3 Advil when I came home. Didn't take any Prozac tonight either.

I don't know what to do, whether to continue taking it or not. I don't want to completely write it off, because out of all of the psych drugs, Prozac would be one of the few I'd be willing to give another shot. I don't remember much of when I took it before, but I do remember having no side effects, or at least nothing like this. All I can think is the chemistry in my body is different from before, my body was more used to psychiatric drugs then (it hasn't been exposed to them minus the occasional Ativan in about 7 years), or this particular brand of generic has something in it that I am more sensitive to. I knew I should have just stuck to my guns and started taking it every other day or even every few days instead of jumping right in to 20 mg every day.

Ugh

Today is probably the worst I have felt so far. I didn't sleep well. I woke up feeling hot and sweaty and very anxious. My heart has been racing all day. I was soaked by the time I got off my bike and I started feeling short of breath and had to go sit down for a few minutes to try to catch my breath and get my heart to calm down, as well as cool down. I started to have a panic attack in the shower and had to sit down on the tub floor and try to calm myself down. I am still feeling very anxious and depressed. I am very nauseous and bloated. My stomach feels like it's on fire and the pain is through to my upper back as well. My whole body is aching, especially my legs (which briefly made me panic that I was getting the flu again but that was a different leg pain).

I really would like to see what Prozac can do for me again, but I honestly don't know how much longer I can take feeling so awful. It's one thing to ride through the physical side effects, but the emotional side effects are a whole other story. Many mentally ill people already have a fragile state of mind and should not have to be subjected to their bad feelings being exacerbated before getting better. Especially if those feelings involve suicidal feelings.

I was debating whether to try taking a pill every other day for now and I didn't take one at 8 (my assigned time to take it), but by 9 I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty and ended up take one. I don't know what to do. All I know is I don't want to feel so shitty anymore.