Yikes

Last night, my mother and I drove over to my grandparent's to visit. When we were coming home, I was stopped at a light and a cop car flew through the intersection with his lights flashing. I was about a mile behind the cop car and as I got closer to the next light, I seen lights behind me so I quickly got over into the left lane and stopped at the red light. And that's when my mother and I looked over at the car pulled over and realized that not only where there 3 cop cars pulled up behind the car, but an older Hispanic man was standing outside of the car with his hands on his head and 2 cops were standing outside of their cruiser with their guns raised and screaming at the guy. I had a car in front of me but my mother and I just stared in horror and I kept yelling "come on light freaking change already!" and then when it changed, the car in front of me didn't even rush off! I was cursing the person to all holy hell and then when he or she finally started to drive, I went around them as soon as I could and took off like a bat out of hell.

Ugh Again

I am going to start taking Prozac every day from now on. I am an absolute nervous wreck that I am going to gain weight. So far my weight has been okay, even gone down a few pounds although I don't know if that is from the medicine or because I have been extra strict with my diet, but I am very worried that increasing my dosage will cause weight gain.

And now it's already time to go back to that hellhole called a workplace. That place where I have discovered that once again I am more than likely the lowest paid person in the office.

Ugh

I was just going through a list of people I may know on Facebook and most people were people I didn't actually know or give a flying fuck about. And then he showed up- the kid I went to high school with that I was grossed out by last year. I just sat and stared at my iPad like

(Ugh I am a terrible person)

Random Thoughts

One day, four more to go until the weekend comes around again.

I had insomnia on Saturday night and as evident by now, when you have OCD, insomnia is the worst thing to have, because it's more time for your mind to just run and run and run and you have no one or no thing to help distract you from it. And I was thinking about how I am always waiting for the next time I eat or the weekend to come or this or that and all I could think was, every time I rush things, the closer I get to other people's demises. And I started to feel panicky and overwhelmingly depressed (although at the rate I am going, I am going to be dead before everyone else- a thought I don't particularly not welcome).

I also had a dream (nightmare) Saturday night that I was going to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. And not a small place like I was in before, but a big hospital, almost like the old school places. I didn't wake up feeling particularly good after that. Quite unsettled, to be honest.

Since doing the enema last week, very gradually my stomach seems to be straightening out. Although not today. My sister invited me over for Chinese food last night because I haven't had it in so long and have been wanting it, and I kept hesitating on getting it and then finally decided to and now I regret it big time. I wish I would have just listened to myself and ate home.

Last week when I was working on a chart in work, there were a few papers filed under No Name. And when I looked at them, they weren't no name, but rather wrong person. And I briefly looked through the papers and then it caught my eye, that word- paraplegia. I felt like banging my head on the desk. Banging it until this stupid obsession went away PERMANENTLY, although I am starting to think that one of these days I am just going to need to finally (and begrudgingly) accept that it's always going to be a part of me in some way or another.

Quote(s) Of The Day

The genius of Waterfall Sr. from "The Birdbot of Ice-Catrez":

Waterfall Sr.: Greetings, Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall Sr., founder of Penguins Unlimited. [The crowd applauds.] Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time you clap your hands you kill thousands of spores that'll some day form a nutritious fungus. Just show your approval with a mold-friendly thumbs up. [The crowd thumbs-ups.] Please hold your thumbs until the end. Now, folks, it's time to stop that tanker with a non-violent human circle.
Leela: [standing up] Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?
Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.

Waterfall Sr.: If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. [He picks up some snow, puts his hand down his trousers and rubs it around.] If rubbing frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right!

Waterfall Sr.: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks: Put your hands between your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
Leela: Uh ... I think I'll go check on Bender.
Waterfall Sr.: Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.

Waterfall Sr.: Good work, everyone. I suggest you all go get some sleep. Me, well, I'm gonna stay up all night singing songs about penguins in a fine, piercing tenor.

Leela: You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there some way to keep them from breeding?
Waterfall Sr.: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.

Random Thoughts

Thankfully I didn't wake up feeling as crappy as the last time I did an enema, but I am still feeling pretty bloated. But at least all the, um, rectum pressure is gone. Man, that was bad. It was so uncomfortable I was seriously starting to contemplate donning a pair of gloves and taking care of things myself. I regret taking those antibiotics. Big time.

Today I had something happen to me in work that I have worried would eventually happen. I use Word for my work and one of the first things I did when I started working there was set Autorecover to save every 2 minutes. And in the grand tradition of all things Microsoft, I have had Word crash on me quite a few times and when I reopened the file, everything was recovered. Today I was working on a file for a good 3 hours and went to do something else on the computer and at one point I realized my report was no longer open. And when I opened it up, it was where it was when I opened it this morning. Meaning I lost a good 1/4 of an inch worth of medical records (about 2 pages worth of typed information and 3 hours worth of work for nothing). I felt like all of the wind was knocked out of me. I checked the AutoRecover settings- it was still set to save every 2 minutes. But nothing was in the AutoRecover folder when I opened it. I tried a few more things, came up with nothing, and finally came to the sickening conclusion that I was going to have to go back and reread and retype all I had read and typed since that morning.

First time in a while I broke down in tears in work. I didn't care (my FWA was the only one who saw me anyway). That was a lot of fucking work I lost. I don't understand why it didn't autosave like it's supposed to. Or why even if I accidentally closed out of Word, it didn't ask me if I wanted to save my changes when I made many changes since I opened it that morning.

I am so beyond frustrated with my work output. I honestly don't know what I can do to be able to concentrate better and work faster. I feel like my brain can't even function anymore and it's not like my brain is overly fixated on anything right now (it seems to be on a temporary hiatus from convincing me I have something wrong with me. I dread to know what will follow premature menopause, because each new one seems to terrify me more). I'm starting to wonder if I sustained brain damage at some point and my family is neglecting to tell me.

Ugh

I thought things were going to return to normal once I was off those damn antibiotics and that was not the case. My mouth still tastes funky and I have been so constipated since Thursday and haven't been able to go to the bathroom and have felt like something rock hard was sitting in my rear end and it got so bad today I finally had to go to the store and buy an enema (what a fun joyous task of a thing to do!). I feel somewhat better and much less uncomfortable but now I just feel bloated. I just hope I don't wake up feeling as crappy as the last time I resorted to doing an enema.

I have been saying since I started Prozac and my body adjusted to it some that my digestive system has been feeling and working a little better. And taking those damn antibiotics had to go and fuck everything up. I don't know what they did besides probably destroy the hell out of every bit of good bacteria in there, but it made a real mess of everything. And I was hoping my taking probiotics on a daily basis would help with things while I was on them but no.

I just hope things will straighten out. And soon!

The Awesome Of The Day

Earlier my FWA was talking about her brat's christening party so out of curiosity I asked her if she had a date. And she did. And it's on my mom's birthday. So guess who won't be able to go? MEEEEE. I was all apologetic and said I'd try to come for a little bit if I could, but inside my head I was like

Quote Of The Day

From "Luck of the Fryish": 

[Scene: Flushing Downs Horse d'Oeuvres Outlet.] 
Paper-hatted salesman: [shouting] Get your piping-hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cake and shakes. We got tongue straight from the horse's mouth.
Leela: Hmm.

Hermes: It all sounds good.

Paper-hatted salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse juiced-in goodness.

Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelette with horse beaters.

Paper-hatted salesman: And you, sir, how can I horse you?

Hermes: I'll have a horse coke.

Paper-hatted salesman: Horse Pepsi OK?

Hermes: Nay.

Ugh

I posted a question on a website earlier and someone deep in the thread made it sound like they were implying my question was uninteresting. Now I might be just being paranoid and reading in to it too much, but next thing I knew, tears were pouring down my cheeks. And the comment may not even have been directed at me in any way, shape, or form. Honestly I don't even think it really bugs me that much. It's just I haven't cried in a while and I have been feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated that I think I have just been looking for something to make me do so. And here I am- a wet, snotty mess.