I was checking my email earlier and I had an email from the website I was talking with that girl through and I thought oh maybe she finally decided to write me back. But it wasn't her, it was just a website update notification. And I felt really disappointed and felt like crying. I'm really bugged by this. I am sick of this happening, opening up to someone only to have the door slammed in my face. And I am not sending her another email. I have already sent two. I done my part of keeping in touch. And the next time someone offers to talk with me, I am declining because I am not going to get comfortable and open up to someone only to have them turn around and desert me AGAIN.
And people wonder why almost every night I go to bed hoping I don't wake up? Or why I don't really socialize with people and don't try to make friends? Well, here you go.
I am feeling super emotional right now. I don't know if it's my period coming or what, although as usual, I am stressing out over whether it is going to come or not. Another thing I am sick of, worrying whether my period is going to come or not or if I am going to bleed between periods. And my stomach feels horrible. I am so bloated and uncomfortable and I haven't gone to the bathroom since Saturday (sorry) and I feel like screaming, especially because now it's getting bad enough to exacerbate my heartburn, so now I feel nauseous on top of being bloated.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
W....T....F
Whatever is going on with my digestive system the past two weeks need to STAHP. I am so damn miserable and uncomfortable!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Random Thoughts
I did a summary earlier in work and I have been so unsettled on how I did it. I semi-assumed with the information, although I do essentially have some proof that I am not wrong. But I am so worried this is going to bite me in the ass.
Of course, if the first summary had been done correctly (*cough* FWA), the one for the actual examination report, I would have had a lot less work to do with it (about half the chart!). There was one report in the chart that was about 8 pages long. It had under the patient's information the first date the person was evaluated, BUT the report itself was dated 2 years later BECAUSE IT WAS A FINAL REPORT basically summarizing the person's treatment history with the doctor. The first half of the report was what occurred at the initial evaluation and then several pages of subsequent visits. When my FWA took care of the initial summary, she 1) went by the initial evaluation date and 2) completely skipped the several pages of subsequent visits. Information that should have been in the examination report. And yet no one questioned it. I don't get it.
I notice a lot of mistakes with other people's work and it makes me question why I am so overtly uptight about my own. I was reading through our one at home worker's (not the bitchy one) and she completely missed diagnostic tests taking at the person's examination. That I was really surprised by, because she is usually very thorough and tends to put in more than she needs to, because like me, she is afraid of leaving stuff out. I actually tend to base my work on hers. And then I was even more surprised today when I was going through an old report she had summarized part of and almost half of the records were missing from the bibliography. It almost makes me wonder how much information anyone pays attention to.
I am sure if I fucked up, though, someone would be screaming for my head.
I was reading this article over on Cracked earlier and liked this part:
Another thing I learned with this job is how frighteningly much pain medications are handed out.
I don't know what I did to my back over the weekend, but it is really painful. The last time I hurt it, I had simply bent over to pick up my towel and felt pain. I don't know what I did this time around. The pain is kind of on the right side of my lower spine and spreads in the hip area and to the front of both of my hips and down the front of my right leg. Earlier in work, I decided to go for a quick walk around the business park and I was in so much pain and having such a hard time walking and my back felt really sore and stiff. These instances of having back pain are occurring more and more and I am wondering if it's time for me to go to an ortho.
For the past few days, I have either been hot or cold, no in between, and it's driving me nuts. Of course, all I can think of is EARLY MENOPAUSE.
Of course, if the first summary had been done correctly (*cough* FWA), the one for the actual examination report, I would have had a lot less work to do with it (about half the chart!). There was one report in the chart that was about 8 pages long. It had under the patient's information the first date the person was evaluated, BUT the report itself was dated 2 years later BECAUSE IT WAS A FINAL REPORT basically summarizing the person's treatment history with the doctor. The first half of the report was what occurred at the initial evaluation and then several pages of subsequent visits. When my FWA took care of the initial summary, she 1) went by the initial evaluation date and 2) completely skipped the several pages of subsequent visits. Information that should have been in the examination report. And yet no one questioned it. I don't get it.
I notice a lot of mistakes with other people's work and it makes me question why I am so overtly uptight about my own. I was reading through our one at home worker's (not the bitchy one) and she completely missed diagnostic tests taking at the person's examination. That I was really surprised by, because she is usually very thorough and tends to put in more than she needs to, because like me, she is afraid of leaving stuff out. I actually tend to base my work on hers. And then I was even more surprised today when I was going through an old report she had summarized part of and almost half of the records were missing from the bibliography. It almost makes me wonder how much information anyone pays attention to.
I am sure if I fucked up, though, someone would be screaming for my head.
I was reading this article over on Cracked earlier and liked this part:
In elective back surgery, we all look for red flags like chronic unemployment, a long history of workman's comp claims and frivolous lawsuits, and a fine, connoisseur's appreciation for methamphetamine. It's actually scientifically reproducible that candidates with those factors in their background are less likely to recover. Because they don't want to.I could believe the part about worker's compensation. I know that there are plenty of people who truly get hurt and I have seen some really upsetting and sad cases of people being badly injured on the job. And interestingly enough, these are the people that tend to be the most compliant with their care and demanding to go back to work. And then there are some you just shake your head at and debate whether you should laugh or cry at the person (and how they got hurt, because a lot of times it's so damn ridiculous and clearly the person's own stupidity).
Another thing I learned with this job is how frighteningly much pain medications are handed out.
I don't know what I did to my back over the weekend, but it is really painful. The last time I hurt it, I had simply bent over to pick up my towel and felt pain. I don't know what I did this time around. The pain is kind of on the right side of my lower spine and spreads in the hip area and to the front of both of my hips and down the front of my right leg. Earlier in work, I decided to go for a quick walk around the business park and I was in so much pain and having such a hard time walking and my back felt really sore and stiff. These instances of having back pain are occurring more and more and I am wondering if it's time for me to go to an ortho.
For the past few days, I have either been hot or cold, no in between, and it's driving me nuts. Of course, all I can think of is EARLY MENOPAUSE.
Monday, May 26, 2014
What Is Wrong With Me?
I am laying in bed watching a special on the Weather Channel about the Joplin, MO tornado, complete with realtime footage. Am I trying to give myself another night of nightmares??
Sunday, May 25, 2014
:(
I can tell I am [hopefully] due for my period soon. I have been so damn emotional, it's ridiculous. Friday morning, I saw a news segment on gay marriage being allowed in PA and all these gay people wedding and I got all choked up. Last night I had several nightmares. Don't remember most of them, but I know one involved a kitten being put to sleep and I woke up hysterical crying and hyperventilating. Also, last night "Demons" by Imagine Dragons came on- I cried. I cried when I
was driving home and a deer almost ran out in front of me. Then when I got off my bike earlier, "Caught by the Light" by the Boxer Rebellion came on and I sat down on my floor and just sobbed.
Earlier, I went on this website with my mom virtualwall.org, a website for the Vietnam Wall. As I have said before, my mom's brother was drafted and freakishly killed by electrocution in Vietnam. And one thing that always sticks with me that my mom says is that her brother was a lover, not a fighter, e.g. he believed in peace and would have never went to war by choice. And we found his profile and under casualty type it said "Hostile, died outright". It gave me the chills when I read it, even though I know the gist of how he died. And it's been eating at me all night.
I also want to note that in my last post, I am absolutely NOT implying I am a sympathizer of the Cali shooter. No way, no how. Far from it. I only said I feel for him because I know what it's like to not have friends and to be rejected. That's it. Outside of that, none whatsoever. And now that I am hearing some of the shit he said in his videos, he needs to be shot in the balls. You want to live in a world where women fear men? Have a seat, boy. A whole colosseum. If you loathe women that much, then move to the fucking Middle East. Your asinine ideology will be largely embraced.
ETA 12:46AM: actually scratch the last part of the paragraph- I had no idea the little prick was dead. And my mom was telling me about it last night and I think she said it was the family's lawyer or something who said something needs to be done about mental health care in the country. GEE, YOU THINK? Except here is the deal, buddy- as long as people like this little prick keep doing this stupid shit and making the news, THE STIGMA OF MENTAL HEALTH WILL NEVER BE ERASED. I mean, forget that there are millions of people with mental illness out there who pose no threat to others other than maybe themselves. It's these few and the media that have to make the rest of us look bad.
Also, I take back 50% of the embarrassment I was feeling for that Tartlr post, as I can see what she was getting at now. However, I still think it is stupid to discount the deaths of the male victims simply for the reason they were male. I know I can be just a bit of a misandrist, but this new breed of feminists who just believe all males are evil and rapists is a little frightening.
Earlier, I went on this website with my mom virtualwall.org, a website for the Vietnam Wall. As I have said before, my mom's brother was drafted and freakishly killed by electrocution in Vietnam. And one thing that always sticks with me that my mom says is that her brother was a lover, not a fighter, e.g. he believed in peace and would have never went to war by choice. And we found his profile and under casualty type it said "Hostile, died outright". It gave me the chills when I read it, even though I know the gist of how he died. And it's been eating at me all night.
I also want to note that in my last post, I am absolutely NOT implying I am a sympathizer of the Cali shooter. No way, no how. Far from it. I only said I feel for him because I know what it's like to not have friends and to be rejected. That's it. Outside of that, none whatsoever. And now that I am hearing some of the shit he said in his videos, he needs to be shot in the balls. You want to live in a world where women fear men? Have a seat, boy. A whole colosseum. If you loathe women that much, then move to the fucking Middle East. Your asinine ideology will be largely embraced.
ETA 12:46AM: actually scratch the last part of the paragraph- I had no idea the little prick was dead. And my mom was telling me about it last night and I think she said it was the family's lawyer or something who said something needs to be done about mental health care in the country. GEE, YOU THINK? Except here is the deal, buddy- as long as people like this little prick keep doing this stupid shit and making the news, THE STIGMA OF MENTAL HEALTH WILL NEVER BE ERASED. I mean, forget that there are millions of people with mental illness out there who pose no threat to others other than maybe themselves. It's these few and the media that have to make the rest of us look bad.
Also, I take back 50% of the embarrassment I was feeling for that Tartlr post, as I can see what she was getting at now. However, I still think it is stupid to discount the deaths of the male victims simply for the reason they were male. I know I can be just a bit of a misandrist, but this new breed of feminists who just believe all males are evil and rapists is a little frightening.
Random Thoughts
I was reading about that mass shooting in California yesterday and apparently the kid was pissed off about having little or no friends and being a 22 year-old virgin and girls rejecting him. Now I feel for him for that part. But you don't fucking kill or harm people over it.
I just read a Tartlr feminist's response to another person's response to the shooting....oh honey, the embarrassment I feel for you right now is almost embarrassing. Then again, this is the same person who complained about Andrew wearing sweatpants in a recent show, but once said she would defend leggings as pants to the death. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.
With all of these mass shootings that have started occurring over the years, you'd think people would stop and rethink bullying someone. Like a bully never stops and thinks oh if I bully this person, there is a chance they could decide to go batshit and kill me one day? Or is that what a life without fear and anxiety is like? You don't ever worry about that shit?
I often hear stories about people running into their bullies years after high school and the bullies apologize for how they behaved. If the kid who made my life a living hell in sixth grade ever apologized to me, I'd tell him to go rot in hell. Too little too late prick. And I hate when people get on me for allowing him to destroy my self-esteem so badly. I was 12 to 13 years old. Do you know what the self-esteem of a girl that age is like? Like super soft clay.
But knowing what the people I went to high school with were like and how they still act based on the alumni page (not one of them has changed the least little bit), I'd never get an apology. That big headed (literally and figuratively) asshole would still think he did nothing wrong. Oh no. I'm guessing calling someone a fat fuck and singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" as she walks down the hallway is always an appropriate way to talk to a pre-teen girl.
I went out on a girl's (and one boy) night last night and it wasn't too bad. Until about almost 10 when I started to get that panicky feeling that I needed to get home or else. I was ready to have a meltdown. And a little before that, it was getting close to 9PM, the time I usually have dessert on the weekends, and I didn't have anything yet and I was about to have a meltdown. This shit is ridiculous, living every aspect of my life by the clock.
Also, I finally get a three day weekend and I hurt my back. OH JOY.
I just read a Tartlr feminist's response to another person's response to the shooting....oh honey, the embarrassment I feel for you right now is almost embarrassing. Then again, this is the same person who complained about Andrew wearing sweatpants in a recent show, but once said she would defend leggings as pants to the death. LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS.
With all of these mass shootings that have started occurring over the years, you'd think people would stop and rethink bullying someone. Like a bully never stops and thinks oh if I bully this person, there is a chance they could decide to go batshit and kill me one day? Or is that what a life without fear and anxiety is like? You don't ever worry about that shit?
I often hear stories about people running into their bullies years after high school and the bullies apologize for how they behaved. If the kid who made my life a living hell in sixth grade ever apologized to me, I'd tell him to go rot in hell. Too little too late prick. And I hate when people get on me for allowing him to destroy my self-esteem so badly. I was 12 to 13 years old. Do you know what the self-esteem of a girl that age is like? Like super soft clay.
But knowing what the people I went to high school with were like and how they still act based on the alumni page (not one of them has changed the least little bit), I'd never get an apology. That big headed (literally and figuratively) asshole would still think he did nothing wrong. Oh no. I'm guessing calling someone a fat fuck and singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" as she walks down the hallway is always an appropriate way to talk to a pre-teen girl.
I went out on a girl's (and one boy) night last night and it wasn't too bad. Until about almost 10 when I started to get that panicky feeling that I needed to get home or else. I was ready to have a meltdown. And a little before that, it was getting close to 9PM, the time I usually have dessert on the weekends, and I didn't have anything yet and I was about to have a meltdown. This shit is ridiculous, living every aspect of my life by the clock.
Also, I finally get a three day weekend and I hurt my back. OH JOY.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Picture Of The Day
This was posted on the Berry's FB page yesterday:
Truth. So much truth. I so badly wanted to "like" the picture when it was posted, but then I probably would have felt the wrath of all of my FB friend mombies because oh noes I don't want to be a mom* and do the hardest and most rewarding job in the world (RMFE)!
*to a human, that is
My FWA posted some puke-worthy post one day that oh it's 5AM and she is beyond tired and [baby's name] is wide awake but the smiles she is getting from her makes it all worth while. Ugh. It made me want to puke my face off! I asked my mom later that night if she ever felt that way. She said nope she just wanted us to go back to sleep. I also have to laugh when my FWA posts all of those stupid "share this if blah blah blah" pictures. First off, if you are over 15 years old and still posting those, you need to check your life. But sometimes she posts ones about how smart her daughter is. She's two fucking months old! Then again, this is the same person who posted on Facebook about the kisses she was getting from her daughter....two days after delivery.
A couple weekends ago, I was talking with my mom about the whole not having kids and while I think a small part of her is still holding out hope for me, I was surprised when she told me she thinks I seem pretty serious about not having kids. And I am pretty serious about it.
Truth. So much truth. I so badly wanted to "like" the picture when it was posted, but then I probably would have felt the wrath of all of my FB friend mombies because oh noes I don't want to be a mom* and do the hardest and most rewarding job in the world (RMFE)!
*to a human, that is
My FWA posted some puke-worthy post one day that oh it's 5AM and she is beyond tired and [baby's name] is wide awake but the smiles she is getting from her makes it all worth while. Ugh. It made me want to puke my face off! I asked my mom later that night if she ever felt that way. She said nope she just wanted us to go back to sleep. I also have to laugh when my FWA posts all of those stupid "share this if blah blah blah" pictures. First off, if you are over 15 years old and still posting those, you need to check your life. But sometimes she posts ones about how smart her daughter is. She's two fucking months old! Then again, this is the same person who posted on Facebook about the kisses she was getting from her daughter....two days after delivery.
A couple weekends ago, I was talking with my mom about the whole not having kids and while I think a small part of her is still holding out hope for me, I was surprised when she told me she thinks I seem pretty serious about not having kids. And I am pretty serious about it.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
What Was I Thinking?
For some reason, the word "gang bang" popped into my head and since I don't know the exact definition of it, I decided to Google it. The results that popped up.....
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