Once again, another week of my mother not talking to me. I don't even know what the reasoning is behind it this time, except if it is due to Monday night when she decided to yell at me that if I didn't knock it off she was going to kill me (not literally, of course) and I yelled back that I wish someone would. I was dead serious. So I guess her punishment for me is to not talk to me. Which isolating and not talking to someone with suicidal ideation is always a wise decision. But what do I know?
I am tired of this. I keep reminding myself of why I need to stick around, of all of the places I have not visited, people I want to meet, that I am going to have a niece or nephew in a few months....and it's getting increasingly harder to convince myself that these are worthy reasons when the reasons to not stick around keep on increasing.
And getting the silent treatment and others brushing me off when I try to talk to them is only adding fuel to the fire. For cripe's sake, if I am talking to you about something bothering me, it's not because I just feel like running my mouth. It's because I have finally reached the point where I don't know how to help myself and I want someone to help me. Everyone in my family has the theory that the only way to help yourself is to do just that- help yourself. Which I agree with to a certain point. But there comes a time where that isn't an option. I don't know what to do for myself anymore. I don't know what it is going to take for me to finally hit rock bottom and say "I can't fucking deal with this anymore, something has to give". I can't even imagine feeling any worse than I already do. And of course the sick twisted area of my brain is going to convince me that if no one wants to help me, then they don't give a shit, so why should I? I'm trying to ignore it.
When I was down the shore a couple weeks ago, I don't recall the reason why suicide came up, but at one point my sister starts reeling off different ways of offing yourself. Since I was hospitalized, I keep my suicidal thoughts to myself, which is probably the worst thing to do, but since my family is not known for acting rationally with most things, I know if I tell my family, they will make it a thousand times worse. But I so badly wanted to turn to her and say please stop this isn't good.
I went to that link I posted on the side, the "Suicide: Read This First", and while I was reading it, I happened to look up at the address bar and noticed the site is metanoia.org, and I started giggling.
I was watching the Weather Channel earlier and they were discussing Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Whatever it is now Isaac. I know there were manditory evacuations in some areas. I can't even imagine how scary that must be. Irene scared me enough last year. Knowing I am being forced to leave my home, and possibly not having one to come home to afterwards, is scary.
And it's odd how all of the years I have spent watching the Weather Channel and reading up on weather topics that I never knew until last year when Irene was coming that hurricanes can spawn tornadoes. I even remember doing a research paper on hurricanes in eighth grade, but I don't recall reading that. I am looking at the SPC website right now and I swear the same area has been under a tornado watch since Tuesday. One expires and a new one is right there to take its place. Why doesn't the NWS just issue one giant long tornado watch instead of issuing several smaller ones? The first one went into effect 9:45AM CDT on Tuesday. Why not expand the area of the watch (obviously I realize the areas are adjusting with each new watch) and just issue one from 9:45AM CDT Tuesday 8/28/12 until whenever Isaac decides to get his ass out of there?
God I love the SPC webpage. It's like porn to me. If only I could understand half of what I am reading. And I don't know why, but whenever I read the archived storm reports and it says a tornado was reported crossing a highway, I always start giggling. I can picture a cartoon twister flying across a field, stopping at the edge of the highway, swinging both ways as if to check if it's clear, and then zooming across the highway.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Picture Of The Day
See more on Know Your Meme
*hyperventilating* OH GOD I KNOW THAT FEELING
Actually....check out the entire Anxiety Cat gallery. I can relate to almost every single one.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
The Awesome Of The Day
I posted a comment earlier on Facebook in the day and I just checked up on it and my simple little sarcastic comment got 54 likes. I don't know if it's extreme exhaust, too much caffeine, too much food, or what, but I am giggling so hard over it.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Random Thoughts
I don't know what made me think of it, but earlier today I started thinking about psychiatric facilites and the abuse that goes on in some of them. It's infuriating. For the past couple of years, my local newspaper has ran stories on the local state hospital in the area and all of the abuse that goes on there- sexual abuse, physical abuse, murders, etc. It's sickening.
What I don't understand is why these people even go into this line of work. The place I was sent to was a private facility, so it was run a little better than a state hospital. Some of the workers were actually pretty decent. But then there were the ones that had no business being in that line of work. The ones I wanted to punch and demand to know why they were in this field when they are such rotten human beings. Like the psych tech that used to provoke a bipolar 1 patient with violent tendencies. Frankly, every time she provoked her, I was glad when the patient went after her. Stupid bitch. You want to play with fire, don't fucking bitch when you get burnt.
The patient was fine otherwise. A bit strange, but hey, she liked me and said she was going to consider me an adopted daughter. Seems most of the older women did.
I don't understand the point of going into a field like this, or any healthcare career, if you have no compassion. When I first started college, I thought of going into nursing since I wanted to be one since elemenary school, and I believe I could make a good nurse, but 1) I can't handle stress and 2) I really have no idea how to be compassionate. So I decided against going in the field. I also don't like lawyers and I don't like touching people. I have this overwhelming fear that I will touch someone and they will accuse me of trying to sexually assault them or something.
I had insomnia last night (what else is new) and I was thinking about medication and how I am so torn about going back on it. I'll just come out and admit right now that my biggest fear of going back on them is gaining weight. I don't recall ever gaining weight when I took antidepressants. Prozac made it a little difficult to maintain my weight, but that was about it. The only ones that did make me gain were the antipsychotics. I was fine with Seroquel as long as I stayed at 50 mg or less. But who knows how drugs would affect me now.
In addition to the potential weight gain, there is the potential for increased suicidal thoughts, which is the last thing I need right now. Possibly having to face yet another heartbreaking disappointment of a drug failing to work for me.
What I don't understand is why these people even go into this line of work. The place I was sent to was a private facility, so it was run a little better than a state hospital. Some of the workers were actually pretty decent. But then there were the ones that had no business being in that line of work. The ones I wanted to punch and demand to know why they were in this field when they are such rotten human beings. Like the psych tech that used to provoke a bipolar 1 patient with violent tendencies. Frankly, every time she provoked her, I was glad when the patient went after her. Stupid bitch. You want to play with fire, don't fucking bitch when you get burnt.
The patient was fine otherwise. A bit strange, but hey, she liked me and said she was going to consider me an adopted daughter. Seems most of the older women did.
I don't understand the point of going into a field like this, or any healthcare career, if you have no compassion. When I first started college, I thought of going into nursing since I wanted to be one since elemenary school, and I believe I could make a good nurse, but 1) I can't handle stress and 2) I really have no idea how to be compassionate. So I decided against going in the field. I also don't like lawyers and I don't like touching people. I have this overwhelming fear that I will touch someone and they will accuse me of trying to sexually assault them or something.
I had insomnia last night (what else is new) and I was thinking about medication and how I am so torn about going back on it. I'll just come out and admit right now that my biggest fear of going back on them is gaining weight. I don't recall ever gaining weight when I took antidepressants. Prozac made it a little difficult to maintain my weight, but that was about it. The only ones that did make me gain were the antipsychotics. I was fine with Seroquel as long as I stayed at 50 mg or less. But who knows how drugs would affect me now.
In addition to the potential weight gain, there is the potential for increased suicidal thoughts, which is the last thing I need right now. Possibly having to face yet another heartbreaking disappointment of a drug failing to work for me.
Friday, August 24, 2012
The Stupid Of The Day
The 20 Worst Hipster Bands: The Complete List
Since when is "hipster" considered a genre of music? I guess it doesn't matter that most, if not all, of these bands write their own music. I don't even know who most of the people are on the list, or know them but never have heard their music, but if they write their own music and play instruments, then I have mad respect for them. They're musicians, not just singers. But I guess that doesn't matter. They're not visibly appealing to society. Because looks and mediocrity are just everything nowadays in Hollywood. This is why all of these bands end up on the backburner, and the singer of that bloody awful "Call Me Maybe" aural holocaust and One Direction are tearing up the charts. Funny thing is, I don't even have that much of a problem with 1D, but they were the first thing to pop into my head. They're certainly less annoying than the Lesbeaver. Theyir voices are really not that bad. And probably because I have a bit of a cougar crush on that little curly haired imp Harry (oh god why; I'm so ashamed of myself, although I just think he is cute in a I want to adopt him as a baby brother thing. Look at him! He's so adorable!).*
*my opinion is completely biased and based solely on MGMT
And fuck the hate for Congratulations. It's beyond nauseating.
Since when is "hipster" considered a genre of music? I guess it doesn't matter that most, if not all, of these bands write their own music. I don't even know who most of the people are on the list, or know them but never have heard their music, but if they write their own music and play instruments, then I have mad respect for them. They're musicians, not just singers. But I guess that doesn't matter. They're not visibly appealing to society. Because looks and mediocrity are just everything nowadays in Hollywood. This is why all of these bands end up on the backburner, and the singer of that bloody awful "Call Me Maybe" aural holocaust and One Direction are tearing up the charts. Funny thing is, I don't even have that much of a problem with 1D, but they were the first thing to pop into my head. They're certainly less annoying than the Lesbeaver. Theyir voices are really not that bad. And probably because I have a bit of a cougar crush on that little curly haired imp Harry (oh god why; I'm so ashamed of myself, although I just think he is cute in a I want to adopt him as a baby brother thing. Look at him! He's so adorable!).*
*my opinion is completely biased and based solely on MGMT
And fuck the hate for Congratulations. It's beyond nauseating.
Random Thoughts
Boy, I can't believe next weekend will be Labor Day weekend already. Earlier on the news, they were discussing about it being one year since that dumb earthquake hit. And in a few days, it will be a year since Hurricane Irene threatened my area. And in a week and a half or so, one year since I found out I would be losing my job. Before I know it, it will be October and one year since my last day of work. Where in the hell has the time gone?
It also occured to me that it has been one year since I started not feeling well, since the day of the earthquake is when I can pinpoint starting to feel shitty. Whether it started before that, I really don't recall, except for developing some kind of cold before I went down the shore about two weeks prior. And I still have no answer. I so badly want to say at this point I don't think that it's Addison's, but I still just cannot bring myself to let go of that fear. I still worry that should I let go of it, that I will jinx myself. OCD is such a rotten son of a bitch.
I know I should not be dwelling on it still, but it still hurts that I was laid off from my job. Sure, I wasn't the only one to get laid off, but I still feel like it was somehow my fault. That I did something wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been just finally getting some of my life back. I had a job, I was making money, I had benefits. I finally felt somewhat secure. All I needed was to take the step of going back to school and finishing the other half of my schooling. Instead, some cruel force decided it would be funny to knock me down on my ass again.
While pity partying earlier, I thought of my friend that died in the car accident, and I still wonder why the one and only friend I had had to be taken from me. What did I do wrong?
And while I am actually surprisingly excited about becoming an aunt (although it should be interesting the first time someone hands me my niece or nephew; I have no idea how to handle babies), there is also a small part of me that dreads it. That I will be a lousy aunt. That it's just another person in my life that I will be nothing but a big disappointment to.
I am also so disgusted with my digestive system right now. I knew going on vacation was a big mistake, because now it is apparently on strike. I am so bloated and I just want to scream. My back is starting to hurt because it's so bad. And I am 4 pounds heavier and I don't know if it is just from this problem, or if I gained any weight. Monday and Tuesday the scale was around 125, Wednesday it was back down to 122, and Thursday it was right back up to 125. Any other time I go through this, the scale is up just because I am so bad off. Once the problem resolves itself, the scale goes right back down. But who knows when that is going to happen.
Also, speaking of weight, I happened to look up my measurements on a sizing chart and was surprised to find that my measurements do actually correlate with a size 8. What I still don't understand is how I have such large measurements for my weight. Especially when all I ever hear is women in weight loss commercials saying "oh I weigh 150 pounds and now wear a size 6!".
Sizing can be such a pain in the ass, but no matter how much I may hate my size, I still make sure whatever I buy fits me with enough room, even if the size makes me want to go on a rampage. I'd much rather my clothes be a little too loose than too tight. Absolutely no muffin top for me. I bought a shirt earlier in the season at NY&Co and was surprised to find I get could into an XS. I was hesitant to buy it, even though I had plenty of room. I did end up buying it, but I still feel awkward when I wear it that I may look too big in it.
And last but not least, I noticed today that Andrew's Facebook fan page, assuming it is actually legitimate and controlled by him, is no longer in existence. Did he finally stab his Facebook?!! *sobs* ANDREW! Y U NO KEEP YOUR PAGE?!
Also....here is an extremely fappable picture of Andrew. He looks like Anakin Skywalker in Episode III. His acting was pretty horrendous, but damn did Hayden Christensen look hot in that movie.
It also occured to me that it has been one year since I started not feeling well, since the day of the earthquake is when I can pinpoint starting to feel shitty. Whether it started before that, I really don't recall, except for developing some kind of cold before I went down the shore about two weeks prior. And I still have no answer. I so badly want to say at this point I don't think that it's Addison's, but I still just cannot bring myself to let go of that fear. I still worry that should I let go of it, that I will jinx myself. OCD is such a rotten son of a bitch.
I know I should not be dwelling on it still, but it still hurts that I was laid off from my job. Sure, I wasn't the only one to get laid off, but I still feel like it was somehow my fault. That I did something wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been just finally getting some of my life back. I had a job, I was making money, I had benefits. I finally felt somewhat secure. All I needed was to take the step of going back to school and finishing the other half of my schooling. Instead, some cruel force decided it would be funny to knock me down on my ass again.
While pity partying earlier, I thought of my friend that died in the car accident, and I still wonder why the one and only friend I had had to be taken from me. What did I do wrong?
And while I am actually surprisingly excited about becoming an aunt (although it should be interesting the first time someone hands me my niece or nephew; I have no idea how to handle babies), there is also a small part of me that dreads it. That I will be a lousy aunt. That it's just another person in my life that I will be nothing but a big disappointment to.
I am also so disgusted with my digestive system right now. I knew going on vacation was a big mistake, because now it is apparently on strike. I am so bloated and I just want to scream. My back is starting to hurt because it's so bad. And I am 4 pounds heavier and I don't know if it is just from this problem, or if I gained any weight. Monday and Tuesday the scale was around 125, Wednesday it was back down to 122, and Thursday it was right back up to 125. Any other time I go through this, the scale is up just because I am so bad off. Once the problem resolves itself, the scale goes right back down. But who knows when that is going to happen.
Also, speaking of weight, I happened to look up my measurements on a sizing chart and was surprised to find that my measurements do actually correlate with a size 8. What I still don't understand is how I have such large measurements for my weight. Especially when all I ever hear is women in weight loss commercials saying "oh I weigh 150 pounds and now wear a size 6!".
Sizing can be such a pain in the ass, but no matter how much I may hate my size, I still make sure whatever I buy fits me with enough room, even if the size makes me want to go on a rampage. I'd much rather my clothes be a little too loose than too tight. Absolutely no muffin top for me. I bought a shirt earlier in the season at NY&Co and was surprised to find I get could into an XS. I was hesitant to buy it, even though I had plenty of room. I did end up buying it, but I still feel awkward when I wear it that I may look too big in it.
And last but not least, I noticed today that Andrew's Facebook fan page, assuming it is actually legitimate and controlled by him, is no longer in existence. Did he finally stab his Facebook?!! *sobs* ANDREW! Y U NO KEEP YOUR PAGE?!
Also....here is an extremely fappable picture of Andrew. He looks like Anakin Skywalker in Episode III. His acting was pretty horrendous, but damn did Hayden Christensen look hot in that movie.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Something I Don't Understand
I was watching some news program (ABC Worldnews, maybe?) the other night and they were discussing the wildfires in California (I think) and they interviewed one woman who evacuated her house, but left her pets behind. A lot of times when storms hit, like hurricanes, you hear about people who leave their pets behind. Maybe it is because I have less respect for my own life than most people, but leaving a pet behind is unfathomable to me. A pet family member is no different than a human family member to me. If I had to evacuate and was told I could not take my pet with me, I would tell the people to kiss my ass. No way, no how would I ever leave a pet behind. I will stay and die with it if I have to. Ohana, and all that.
Guess I have watched Lilo and Stitch one too many times. God I love that movie.
On another note, I just remembered back when I was on vacation in June, and my brother-in-law let me use his computer to check Facebook, and I decided to check a couple other pages and when I typed in a few letters in the address box, suggestions popped up. One of which was a porn site.
Guess I have watched Lilo and Stitch one too many times. God I love that movie.
On another note, I just remembered back when I was on vacation in June, and my brother-in-law let me use his computer to check Facebook, and I decided to check a couple other pages and when I typed in a few letters in the address box, suggestions popped up. One of which was a porn site.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Video Of The Day
Be still, my shriveled black heart. Someone stop me before I break the replay button, and flush my contacts straight out of my eyes. I can't stop crying; the end comes, I hit replay, and the whole dam breaks open again. WHY AM I TORTURING MYSELF LIKE THIS?:
This was the performance I talked about in here.
This was the performance I talked about in here.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Headline Of The Day
I'm truly a sight to behold right now- sobbing, and laughing hysterically at this article:
Dreams Do Come True: Prince Hot Ginge Gets Naked In Vegas, My Head Explodes In New York
Dreams Do Come True: Prince Hot Ginge Gets Naked In Vegas, My Head Explodes In New York
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