Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems

Every time I see facial wash commercials, I laugh at the way the girls rinse their faces. Who rinses their face like that? I know I certainly don't. I shove my face in the sink and rinse it off so I don't splash all over the place. Especially since the stuff I use has benzoyl peroxide, so if it gets on anything it bleaches everything in sight.

Why is it you have a daughter, son, or child/children? A mother, father, or parent? Grandmother, grandfather, grandparent? But there is no generic term for niece or nephew and aunt or uncle?

I might be getting to go to Musikfest. There has no longer been any calls for rain. But now this:

Severe Weather, Tornado Outbreak Plains, Prairies

From which this comes:

 Sunday, the storms would be roughly on a line from Nashville to Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Buffalo and Montreal. During Sunday night into Monday, the storms would advance across the Appalachians into the I-95 zone.

*throws hands up* OMFG I GIVE UP

The Stupid Of The Day

I was watching the 12:00 news earlier and they were discussing the Colorado shooting case and something about the psychiatrist being investigated into whether she may have known something about his plan even before she had received the notebook. If that crazy bastard had mentioned wanting to harm others and she did not report him to the authorities, that is just wrong. And I wonder how much that goes on in other cases where a murderer is being treated by a psychiatrist, and then goes and kills a whole bunch of people.

If your patient is standing there saying they want to kill other people, you fucking call the authorities! I would think a mental health care worker would know that! I mean, I make one mention of being suicidal and my therapist barely blinked before she grabbed the phone and let the hospital know I was coming up for an evaluation. And if I had not gone, she would have called the cops. Apparently being a threat to yourself is more dire than being a threat to others.

On a different note, it's National Cheesecake Day. And almost every restaurant I have fanned on Facebook has posted pictures of cheesecake. Now I want a piece of cheesecake so bad, it's ridiculous.

BLAH!

I received a call from a recruiter the other day for a pretty good position. The hours are good. The pay is good. The position is good. The fact that I would have to work a weekend day and have a day off during the week is good. The only problem is the company is too far away.

I was filling out another application earlier and I had to answer what was my most favorite and least favorite position and why for each. Are they kidding me? HOW DO YOU ANSWER SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! I was so completely clueless on how to answer this!

This is why I bomb interviews all of the time. I have no clue how to answer their questions! And if HR recruiters really believe that by someone being able to answer these nutty questions that it somehow makes them more qualified for a job, I have a little news for you, recruiters. Those who can answer these questions are doing a little thing called BULLSHITTING. Just because they can think on their feet and know how to flatter people does not mean they can do a good job.

I just took a Microsoft Office skills test and I am absolutely astonished at how much of my Microsoft Office skills have disappeared! I am so aggravated! I can't even....FRICK!

ETA 7/30: My results for my tests were good. However, my Microsoft Office tests were a lot lower than they should have been. And for dumb reasons. A couple things I got wrong because while I did it correctly, I did not do it the way the test wanted. Like saving a document. I did not save the way the test wanted. I did not hit the Save button; instead, I went under the File menu and saved it from there. Because I am pretty sure the last time I took the test, I hit the Save button and got it wrong. What is the difference? I still saved it. Honey, please. Like I would not know how to save a document. And I manually entered in a function in Excel, instead of using the function button. Which I swore it told me not to do.

Random Thoughts

I have been in such a bad mood since I got into a fight with my mom on Monday. And it was such a stupid fight! Like ridiculously stupid. It was over a crazy road we take to go to Peddler's Village in Lahaska, PA. I thought she was referring to the one in Lambertville, New Jersey that we take before we cross the bridge into New Hope. But she was referring to the one we take once we pass New Hope and enter Lahaska. So we battled back and forth over a giant misunderstanding. I don't even know what the hell pissed her off so much about it that it had to start a fight.

And of course, no fight is complete without tearing into my having OCD. Why that has to come up in every fight, I don't know. I think that was what made me leave the room and come back in and demand to know what the hell is wrong with me crying over a song. I never did get an answer, just that I shouldn't be listening to depressing music like that. My brain is still so full of fuck.

It's been a rough few days. I won't lie- I have been feeling pretty suicidal. But no plans ever come out of it, so I don't think it is anything to worry about. More a just wish I was dead than I wish I could kill myself. And every person I think of going to, I end up deciding against it for some reason or another. I also keep thinking back to when I worked and how my WA always told me I could come over to her place if I needed to get out and talk to someone, and I have considered it, and then I remind myself that oh when was the last time we talked, and I say fuck it. My aunt always tells me that I can talk to her, and I also consider it, and then I think of how she can never make time for me or my sister and how she plays dumb to get out of doing things with us, and I say fuck it. I think of going to my sister, and then I remember how she will complain sometimes when other people talk to her that she has her own problems to deal with. And I say fuck it.

And the one person I should be able to go to, my mother, I can't even go to her, because I know what will happen. She will compare her problems to mine and make them somehow worse than mine, I'll get mad, a fight will ensue, and I will end up feeling even worse.

And as if I don't already feel shitty and never more alone in my life than right now, my mom is not even talking to me. I don't know if she just senses that I am feeling down and is backing off, or if she hates me the way she hates my father. Because that is what I feel like.

I have been having the absolute worst case of insomnia I have had in a long time. If I could get one damn good night of sleep, I will be so freaking happy. My brain will just not shut off for anything. I feel like ripping it out of my skull and shaking it. SHUT UP.

Also, I finally put in a reservation for a hotel room. The cancellation policy is good, so I have time to cancel and not be charged anything. But I am already regretting putting in the reservation. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I wish something could give me some kind of push into what I should decide to do. Either way, I am going to regret something. If I don't go, I will regret it. If I do go, I will eventually, if not immediately, regret it. And I can't make heads or tails of which would be the worst regret, although I think deep down, based on past experiences, I know I will regret going more than not going.

Why am I so goddamn incapable of making decisions?! This is probably why. I hate regret. And no matter what decision I make with anything in life, I will always regret something. And I can never figure out what will be the worst regret.

And the weather over the next few days is supposed to be chaotic, so that has me more on edge. I have been back and forth between Accuweather, TWC, and the Storm Prediction Center sites.

God, I really want a Bloomin' Onion from Outback Steakhouse right now.

ETA 7:32PM: This weather is going to give me a heart attack. Or stroke. Or possibly both.

Look at this radar:

ETA 7/28: Today- well, yesterday- I drug my sister with me to McDonald's because I wanted ice cream and I said to her that Mom considers my music depressing. She agreed with her.

I can't even with this.

Yay Or Nay - Vacationing Alone

Well, after the disappointing email regarding taking a bus to Pennsy, I decided on something else. There is a bus that heads to the Sands casino, but it has the same situation - a noon time bus to the casino, but the bus home is too early. I am seriously contemplating booking a room and staying the night. That way I can get there about 2:30PM, hang out in my room if I want or do something else, and then go to the show. And after it is over, I just have to go back to the hotel and do whatever I want. Head home in the morning on the 10:00AM bus.

My only issue is how I would get to and from the bus station in Philly. I don't know how parking works at the bus station for me to drive myself there, and I would not be happy leaving my car overnight. And there is still the issue of how awkward I would feel attending a concert by myself. It doesn't help that a lot of seats are still available, so depending on where I sit, I would kind of stick out like a sore thumb. I can't believe how many seats are still open. Sure the place seats something like 7,000 people, but I thought those tickets would sell out in no time. And what if they sing "I Found A Whistle" and I burst into tears? Oh God it would be so embarrassing.

I always say that I would love to take vacations myself, especially since I am such a loner and it appears my whole life is going to be spent forever alone. Why not start now? I'm tired of this life of never taking risks. And after the fight I got into earlier with my mom, I can see why I never take risks. Either too much fear has been put into me to take them, or I get so beat down from others when I want to take one that I end up just saying the hell with it. Oh, and because I seemingly don't know when to stop when I get into a fight, I had to bring up my mom starting on me on Friday and then about the song, and I managed to learn that my music is "very depressing" and it's not the kind of music someone like me should be listening to. MGMT depressing? I can't even make any sense from that. My brain is so full of fuck from this statement.

I honestly wish it was sooner, because I want a vacation away from my family NOW.

ETA 7/24: Now I always take the Accuweather long term forecasts with a grain of salt, because I have followed them before and watched them change about a million gazillion times, but it has not stopped calling for rain on the 5th. For God's sake. If some external force is trying to tell me not to go, then for the love of all that is holy, JUST FLAT OUT TELL ME ALREADY.

Song Of The Day

"Metanoia"!



MYSTIC REFEREE DON'T LOOK ON ME WITH SCORN

Things I Don't Get

A cousin of mine recently had a baby and on an almost daily basis, she whines on Facebook about how she needs to sleep or needs a night out or whatever. At that party I went to a couple weeks ago, I heard her admit to my mother that she wishes she had waited a little longer. She loves the baby, but feels her marriage isn't the same. But she was so desperate to have a baby!

All I ever hear are new parents whine about how much work it takes. Why does no one ever seem to realize how much it involves before they have a brat? Even I realize it takes A LOT of work to raise a baby. Like mind-blowingly a lot. Are people really that dumb? It's a human! A human that has absolutely no idea how to do anything! Why does no one seem to ever really think through having a child? Of just how much it involves?

I have thought a lot about what it takes to raise a child and I am not equipped for it. For one, I don't want to pass on my genes. Especially if I were to have a daughter, because the women in my family seem to get the brunt of health problems.

I would also be a physical and emotional wreck constantly worrying about something happening to the child. Most people are, of course, but it would be a thousand times worse for someone like me. If I had a child and he or she died, I would never be able to handle it. That is the one time I am absolutely sure I would commit suicide, because no matter how my child died, I would blame myself for it. I did something wrong to cause it to happen. And heaven forbid my child inherit my mental disposition and was to commit suicide. I would never forgive myself for it.

I also would not be able to handle knowing my child is being bullied. And bullying back in my childhood does not hold a candle to bullying today. Kids are vicious nowadays. I can't even nor do I want to even begin to imagine how much worse it would get in the future.

I also don't get this pain I keep getting across my upper back. And my stomach has been on fire. I have heartburn the past week, but haven't botherered taking anything. I woke up this morning with such a bad burning pain, and it was one of those pains where I knew if I drank water, I would have been in tears from the pain. I wouldn't be surprised if I have an ulcer. 

I keep saying I am going to end up with cancer somewhere in the digestive system, and it seems that I am the one who would be bringing it on. Why am I so noncompliant? I really don't know.

Random Thoughts

Right now, I wish I could grab anything important to me, toss it in my car, and take off. There is something else I would like to do instead, but trust me, the former is more rational. I don't know if my hormones are still out of whack or whatever it is going on, because I am still not feeling better. I am still miserable, still can't stop crying, still irritable as anything. I don't even feel human right now. I just want to dig a hole and stay in it forever.

My mom ran to the store with me earlier and she started on me in the car about being miserable. And out of nowhere she says something like "I don't know why you listen to a song that makes you cry; you listen to it and then you are miserable". I really have no idea why she even brought it up. The day I watched the live performance of it, she asked me why do I listen to it if it makes me cry. Uh, because I like the song? Yes, the song makes me cry. What is the big freaking deal? I know I am strange, but what am I missing here? I cannot understand what I am doing wrong that I cry every time I hear it. I mean, it's not like I can tell my loved ones a big reason why the song makes me cry. I can't even write it down on paper without getting sick to my stomach.

Besides, it's nice to know I can still react to things, because half the times I feel like a robot!

I think I may have found a way to get to the concert, but now I have no one to go with. I got twice from my aunt "I'll go with you if I can get off". I still have yet to hear anything on it. She claims she has asked her boss, who is her best friend, but hasn't gotten an answer from her. I think she is full of shit. She probably doesn't want to commit to going, because heaven forbid she actually do something with her niece for once. I feel like saying to her "will you just cut the dumb act already and just say you don't want to go? Because I really would appreciate it a lot more than getting the run around constantly". Kind of like how I would much rather people in my family confront me to my face rather than rip me apart behind my back. It eventually gets around to me anyway. And while a blow-up will occur either way, a smaller one will occur if it's said right to my face.

I am so fed up with my family I can't even stand it anymore.

I am seriously considering going to this concert myself. I don't want to let this opportunity slip by. But would it be too weird? I really don't know. I wouldn't be all that scared going by myself, even though it is kind of far away, but it's all a question of how awkward I would feel sitting by myself. If I were more social with people, I wouldn't think it so weird, although if people talk to me, I will usually be pretty sociable. Of course, I am more interested in hearing the music than anything, so being social is really not a big concern. I'd probably be a little paranoid of what people are thinking of me, but I would hope I would barely register on other people's registers. If I saw someone alone at a concert, I would maybe briefly wonder why, and then brush it off. Or I'd be giving them major props in my head for having the confidence to do such a thing.

And hey, maybe I'd finally meet some people who share common interests with me, since my family or anyone else I know apparently has no interest in my interests.

ETA 7/23:  Okay, so the bus idea is out. It can get me there, but the last one leaves at 6:05PM. The concert is at 7:30PM. I am just not meant to go to this damn concert, am I? So either I have to just admit defeat already, or bite the bullet and attempt to drive myself there, which is really what I would much rather do anyway. For one, I am sick of the fact that I have had my license for 12 goddamn years and have never driven anywhere far. Most people my age are driving to the shore and other states. I have never even driven down the shore. And two, I want to be able to come and go as I please, not have to worry about getting there mad early or that I am going to miss my bus or have to leave the concert early so I don't miss my bus. I am not ready to let this opportunity slip by yet, dammit.

Comment Of The Day

I'd be a failure at life- well, bigger- if I didn't know what that was from. None other than my favorite episode of Futurama.

The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddy's chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.

Too bad I am no longer a Huffpost user. I would have had to give major props to this user. But I canceled my membership after someone pissed me off so bad that had I wrote what I wanted to write, I probably would have been banned. That site is like a stinking nanny state.

I like how the joke goes over so many heads.

NOOOOOOOOO!

I didn't want to believe it was true before, but

Dan Cathy, Chick-Fil-A President, On Anti-Gay Stance: 'Guilty As Charged'

Chick-Fil-A, I AM DISAPPOINT

Luckily, I don't eat there that often. I only go because I get coupons in the mail every so often for a free sandwich. Apparently I am in the minority, because I love Chick-Fil-A. I think their chicken sandwiches and waffle fries are good. I also like their hospitality. I have never received rude treatment at any of my local Chick-Fil-As. Everyone always goes out of their way.

I kept hearing it, and I suspected it was true due to their whole being closed on Sunday shtick, but I kept blinders up. But hey! Go ahead and be against gay marriage! If you want to stand there and preach that marriage should be between a man and a woman only, then by all means, be my guest! Allow for fat ass urinal cakes to wed troll-faced dumbasses for 72 days, because what does it matter? It's still between a man and a woman! God, I hate this world.

Boy, I wish I could get in office one day. I'd ban all marriage.

I just read some article over on Yahoo about that Olympic dude with no legs (too lazy to look up the name again) bagging some Russian model. Oh, look at that. What a surprise. Dude gets famous and the models start coming out of the woodwork, and then suddenly that will be all he will date. JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW. Anyway, the comment section has my sides hurting from laughing. I am surely ensuring my trip to hell more and more.