Random Thoughts

Well, I knew my fear of having Addison's disease wouldn't stay away for long. I have been having issues with feeling light-headed when I stand at times over the past few days, so right away that reeled it back in some. I give up. I really do. I have no idea what to do for myself. What in the hell did I do on vacation that made it go away? Is it something in my diet? The only two things I did not have on vacation was sugar free Jell-O and the angel food cakes. Could one of them being doing it? I won't know unless I try cutting one or the other out for a week or so.

And I have been so goddamn depressed the past few days, I am beside myself. When I read that story the other day about Chloe, that dog that was set on fire, I cried for more than 20 minutes. I looked at the picture of her on the WPVI page and that was it. I started sobbing and choking from crying so hard. I was on the floor the next day stocking up on toilet paper and I had my iPod playing and "I Found A Whistle" on and I thought of Chloe and I started sobbing again. I just cannot fathom setting an animal on fire. Or any kind of abuse. How cruel can you be?

Goddamn that song for making me cry every time I hear it. *narrows eyes* And goddamn me for not being able to keep my weaknesses a secret.

I ran to Wal-Fart earlier and the one road I have to turn off of is a real bitch to make a right hand turn from. I was hot and not feeling good and very depressed and anxious over not feeling good from the heat, so I said fuck it, I am not even going to bother trying to turn. Next thing I know, the lady behind me honks and I look in my rear view mirror and she is pointing at me to turn. I was really not in the mood for people's assholish behavior, so I gave her the finger and I decided I definitely wasn't going to turn, just to piss her off (don't point out my hypocrisy). And then I see her pull out and she actually went around me and made the turn. I was like are you for real? I thought she was going to start trouble with me at first, which would not have been a good idea. I don't even want to be around myself in the heat. Lord knows what I would have said or done. But come on, no one says you have to turn on red, for god's sake. Chill the hell out.

This has not been a good week for me to like people. My sister and my parents had a huge miscommunication about a moving truck, which lead to small arguments, my sister refuses to admit she is at fault, and I had to listen to my sister bitch that she wishes she could divorce family sometimes. Yeah. Nice way to thank us for all of our back-breaking work helping you move.

Video Of The Day

It's not often I like a Linkin Park song, but this is one of them:

An Angry Letter To A Sick Fuck

Dear Sick Fuck Who Set This Poor Innocent Creature On Fire:

Are you proud of yourself? How much of a real badass did it make you feel to set a poor innocent creature on fire? I hope karma really does exist, because someone needs to pour accelerant all over you, set you on fire, and leave you to die. And I hope you die a slow and painful as hell death.

Rot in hell, you evil piece of scum.

Rest in peace, Chloe. No monsters can hurt you anymore.

This Better Be Some Kind Of Joke

Olive Garden, Red Lobster Struggle To Revive Sales 

No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If the Olive Garden ever closes, and Red Lobster closes before I ever get the chance to try their cheddar biscuits, I am going to be very, VERY upset.

And don't give me "but Slightly Short of Sane, Olive Garden isn't really Italian food lol". I know that! That does not mean I cannot enjoy it! I don't give a shit if every thing there is supposedly not homemade, but rather frozen and reheated! Their eggplant parm is awesome! Their breadsticks are awesome! The minestrone soup is the best I have ever tasted (so far)! And the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake? Well, I'm pretty sure it's from the frozen Cheesecake Factory products you can buy in stores like BJs and stuff, but....oh mama!

Swastika Day Organizers Happy With Reaction To Pro-Swastika Banner Over New Jersey Beaches

I saw an airplane with one of those banners when I was down Seaside. I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Pretty much every single thing I see or hear down Seaside does not surprise me, so I just shook my head and brushed it off. I did the same when I heard "Feliz Navidad" blasting. I thought "why in the hell are they playing "Feliz Navidad" in June?". Then I reminded myself of where I was and brushed it off.

The Headline Of The Day

I shouldn't be laughing, but it just further proves my point in this post:

Banana truck crash destroys 1745 Mass. building - Yahoo! News

Video Of The Day

My favorite part from Bender's Big Score!

Random Thoughts

I still want to be on vacation. It's been too damn hot in my neck of the woods. We had crazy storms on Friday that were supposed to cool everything down, but I thought it was still pretty hot.

My sister and I were in Wegmans when one of the worst storms came over. It was like a freaking monsoon outside. And then the power went out. I wanted to freak out.

We took a trip down Seaside on Saturday. Not much has changed. Still a bunch of disgusting fat people in bikinis, people who can't speak English (and break the rules in the bathrooms; there was a Spanish lady washing her kid in the sink, despite a big sign saying no washing of feet in sink right smack dab in the front of her, but I guess you will break rules when you refuse to learn English, right?), and New Yawkers. Oh and teen girls everywhere trying to get the attention of the Durrrsey Shur cast (who thankfully were not anywhere in sight).

I also happened to notice one of the piers was blasting "Feliz Navidad". Why, I have no idea.

I still do not understand the sudden influx of fatties in bikinis. Not just in Seaside, but down the other shore points and down in Myrtle Beach. I always used to say that just because it comes in your size doesn't mean you should wear it. Well, I would also like to add that just because you can get it on does not mean it fits nor should you wear it. For god's sake, no one wants to see your flab flopping all over the place. I know I have severe body image problems, so it should come as no surprise that it still takes a lot for me to want to put a bathing suit on. I am half the size of a lot of these fatties in bikinis and I still refuse to wear a bikini. And never will. I am not built for one.

I was starting to feel somewhat happy with my body, but now I am finding myself disliking it more and more again. I hate that I am never going to be happy with my body. I do realize that there are things I can't change, like how I have tree trunk legs and that my abs will never be flat due to my never-ending battle with constipation. Does that mean I have to like it? No.

It would be nice if one day I could find one redeeming quality about myself. This is a big part of the problem I have when it comes to job hunting. I cannot sell myself. I have never had a job where I did anything spectacular. This is why I bombed the Target interview so bad. Every question they asked me about things I did at a former job, I never did. If I didn't like how something was being done, I just sucked it up and did it. If I had a problem with another employer, I didn't bother going to a manager to complain, because I knew nothing would ever be done anyway. I have nothing to brag about. My former employers raved about me, but that does not help me in interviews. Oh, and I have never had a job I have been proud of. I generally do the best job I can, but this also does not help me in interviews. All I want to do when I go into interviews is say, look, I cannot sell myself to you, but if you hire me, you have my word that you will not be sorry.

It just astonishes me that I allowed someone to break me down as bad I am. And it angers me that I allowed it to happen and continue to allow it to bother me. I am fully aware that I need to move on. But actually doing so is a whole other story. I get tired of people telling me that it's just words, blah blah blah. I was 12 years-old. Being teased at that age about your body is like pressing your finger in clay before it completely hardens. The clay will harden, but that finger hole will still be there.

I just finished reading one of James Patterson's latest books and there was part where the main character talks about what happened to her breaking her down, and when she was put back together, she was not the same person. And I realized that should I ever be able to finally pull it together again, I will never be the same person. Now if it's a much better person, then hell I am all for it. I never quite got it completely together after the first breakdown I had, but what I did get back together, I can vouch that I was still not the same person. Then again, I truly believe that I am not the same person after quitting Effexor. And I wish there was a way to fix that. Now I know I have said I would never put Effexor near my mouth again, but if it takes going back on Effexor to restore some of what I was before I quit it, I would do it. I just want to feel normal again.

I still seem to be doing good with finally believing that I do not have Addison's disease. Or else I have just finally reached the point where I stopped giving a shit. Will it continue to last? Will another "disease crisis" come along that will make me wish I was still scared I had Addison's? I just went and read back through last summer's posts when I was scared I had a stress fracture. It sounds so miniscule, but I really was truly terrified that I had one. And do you know why it freaked me out so much? Because even though it would have been temporary, the idea of losing my independence made me want to lose my freaking mind. Oh, and I was afraid of weight gain. That was one of the things that made me freak out at the idea of having Addison's. It's horrible and it's so vain, but I am truly that terrifed of gaining weight.

On another note, when I was down Seaside, some dude walked by me with a giant tattoo on his chest of what I assume is one of his brats. And it was creepy as hell. Okay, I can understand people wanting to remember someone who died or whatever, but tattoos of people's faces are just creepy. I just looked at it and thoughts oh god why?!

And speaking of creepy, check out this picture from last week's Best Photos Of The Week on the Berry. That was one of the best galleries I have ever seen; I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. But there was something about that particular picture that made me laugh the hardest. I think it may have been the FML added at the end.

I am so wired right now. And just waiting for the inevitable crash.

Song Of The Day

Just heard this song for the first time tonight and I am pretty smitten:



I particularly like this part:

You're a little bit broken and I'm a little bit broken
When we put ourselves together, my oh my

The Headline Of The Day

Pedobear At Jerry Sandusky Trial: Advocacy Mascot Pays A Visit To Courthouse

I laughed. Loudly. I have been waiting for this to happen.

I am going to hell.

Random Thoughts

Well, it's back home again. What a crazy vacation. The good points? The weather was gorgeous, except for two nights when it rained off and on. Plenty of good food. I kept with my exercise regimen the entire time I was there. Every morning, my butt was on the elliptical. I found a pair of ear plugs from a temp job I had a couple summers and used them at bedtime, so I was able to sleep, except for my usual insomnia. I also did not experience one episode of orthostatic hypotension the entire week I was there. No erractic heartbeats, despite the massive amounts of caffeine I consumed. In fact, last week was the best I have felt in a very long time (aside from having PMS). It was like my entire body reset itself somehow. There was a waiter at Liberty Steakhouse at Broadway At The Beach who reminded me of Andrew (I grumbled and cursed the hostess under my breath the entire time we were there that she did not seat us in his section. Because I would have felt obligated to say something, whether out loud or written on the check. What? If you look like Andrew, you need to be informed!) Oh, and not that anyone cares, but my period was expected to come, but did not come until Saturday.

The bad points? It was senior week. My sister and my brother-in-law were royal pains in the asses. I got a sore throat the second to last day. I got major sunburn on my chest. I think if I had just gotten a speck more of burn, I would have had sun poison. And between burning and tanning, I now have about 65 million more freckles. I like freckles, don't get me wrong, but come on. I already have a gazillion across my shoulders and back. I do not need anymore.

My sister and my brother-in-law are very annoying to go on vacation with, between his constantly want to rush everything and her ever-growing princess mentality. His constant little snide remarks regarding my parents was really starting to grate on my nerves. I wanted to turn to him and say "look buddy, you haven't earned your right to bitch about your in-laws". And my sister bitched to me today that my father did not even thank my brother-in-law until yesterday for driving home on Friday. Uh, does he thank my father for driving us down there? No. And why should my father thank him for driving, when my brother-in-law only offers to drive to get himself home quicker, not to give my father a break from driving? Does he thank my parents for all of the food they buy that he hogs? He ate so much of the damn food my parents brought. Then he buys himself food and doesn't offer anyone any of it. Have I gotten one thank you for helping to pack up and move YOUR and YOUR WIFE'S THINGS into YOUR NEW HOUSE? No! I have not!

And my sister is turning into such a high-maintenance bitch. I don't know what the hell her problem is anymore, but one of these days I am going to knock her on her ass.

But overall, it was a nice vacation. I'd much rather be in Myrtle Beach than here. Sometimes I think I would like to move there, but living there would take all of the fun out of it. Not that we ever do anything that exciting, but it is a change in scenary. Plus, moving there would be a bitch on my hair. My hair is hard enough to maintain here. Straightening my hair takes an act of god. I could not keep my hair straight for anything down there. I'd straighten it and no sooner would I step outside and it would start curling again. And it was not even humid like it normally is when we go! I guess it was why there were so many curly-haired guys around. Every time I turned around, there was a guy with curly hair. My ovaries were about to explode.

Speaking of exploding ovaries, check out the new MGMT post on ONTD. That picture! It's so hypnotizing! It's so beautiful! He's so beautiful! *starts sobbing* I can't look away!

Anyway, the past couple days have been so hectic since coming home, because my mother is in rare form and is just freaking out about everything. Which is making me feel really stressed out and making me want to run off and go on a vacation myself. I'd always like to do that, go on a vacation myself. But I'm too chicken shit to do it. Too chicken shit to take risks ever. I wouldn't say my parents were overprotective, but they, particularly my mother, instilled a lot of fear in me growing up. I can't recall a time in my life I have ever taken a risk.

I am starting to notice another negative trait about myself when it comes to people. I noticed that I have a tendency to put people I admire on a very high pedestal. And the criteria to remain on that pedestal is very picky and strict. And when someone fails to meet those requirements, I am very quick to kick them off. And generally that failure has something to do with my own self-esteem.

I  just do not understand myself. And yesterday was probably the closest I came to in a long time of wanting to harm myself. And I don't mean cutting myself or banging my head against something (which I have been good not doing but did again on vacation) or binging and purging (which I have done 3 times in the past 3 weeks. And I am very, VERY angry at myself for it). I mean suicide. And it was terrifying feeling that way. I am miserable from being home, from how my sister behaved on vacation, from not having a job, pretty much from a lot of things. And then it had to be Father's Day and the same bullshit every holiday. I shut my bedroom door, put my music up really loud, and I started crying so hard I was choking. I was so angry and I had so much adrenaline rushing through my body that I can fully understand how a mother can pick a car off of a child, because I could have probably have done that yesterday.

I am tired of this bullshit every holiday. And my mother and I went out and met up with my aunt and grandparents and the whole time I felt bad for going out. And angry at myself for allowing myself to feel bad. It's my father's fault. He doesn't want to be around them, but I want to be around my 87 year-old grandfather on Father's Day! So why did I allow and still allow myself to feel bad that I went out and didn't spend the day with him when he is the one who wants to be an ass and not be around his in-laws? And then we were planning to go to dinner with my grandfather and they ended up going themselves. So my mom and I ended up at the diner. I had Father's Day dinner with my mom.

Oh and the erratic heart beats were back again. What in the hell was different on vacation that I did not have them? I certainly wasn't relaxed on vacation. I still was stressed out constantly. NJ is probably making me sick. It is a pretty toxic state.