Almost every day since I started feeling pretty bad, I have been wondering, when am I going to reach the breaking point? When is the time going to come when I am going to finally snap? I don't mean in the sense that I am going to go postal and go shoot up somewhere or anything like that. Just when I am going to reach the point where I just cannot take anymore and just basically shut down? I keep feeling like I am getting closer and closer to that point every day.
Yesterday was another added weight. It was my grandmother's birthday and we decided to celebrate it with her. Of course, as soon as my mother said something, my father had to become a real jackass about it. He actually said to my mother that oh he guesses he is going to have to go out again and then they got into another argument about it. Apparently he has his reasons for hating them, although every time my mother challenged him on it, he couldn't give any. My mother told him keep it up and he will die a lonely old man. His response? Good. And he left for a while and didn't come home until almost midnight. Today I woke up and he wasn't home. He went down the shore for the day. I told my mother yesterday that God forgive me for saying this about my father, but I wish he had dropped dead of a heart attack instead of his sister.
I know my grandparents can be trying, but they are good people. And the fact that even after all of the years of shit treatment he has given them and they would STILL bend over backwards for him proves just how good of people they are. My grandfather lent him almost two thousand fucking dollars when the collectors were coming after him and what does he do? Still continues to treat him like shit, made absolutely no effort to pay him back, and leaves my mother to pay back the entire amount of the loan for his fucking mess, which he blames my mother for.
And yes, I did happen to have my bone scan before all that happened. I was a nervous wreck before and when I got there and matters weren't helped when I got there and found my prescription was never faxed over. That only agitated me more. I was pretty nervous over getting the needle, but the man that gave it to me did a very good job and I told him that I was nervous over getting it and after he did it, he said he didn't know why I was so nervous, with having such large veins (my veins on my arm where the usually take blood are pretty nasty, especially the one on my left arm; my sister is always threatening to bring home a needle and draw blood from it). Some images were taken right after, then I had to come back about 2.5 hours later to get the rest of it done. I was sent home with the pictures, which was probably not the best idea for someone like me and my favorite doctor is unfortunately on vacation this week and all of the other doctors scare me, so I can't take them into work. Although I am not seeing anything that looks like this or this, I still really have no clue what I am looking for. I am going to lose my freaking mind waiting for the results.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Video Of The Day
I'm scared out of my wits about tomorrow, so I am just going to go ahead and pretend I am on whatever the hell this video was produced on. I have come to the conclusion that MGMT can seriously do no wrong and every thing they do can be excused with simply, it's MGMT:
Sitch, I know you got famous for your abs, but take a look at this boy. That is a hot body! Not too big, not too skinny, and properly PROPORTIONED. Andrew has one fine ass body! I seen he had some fairly ripped arms in the "Kids" video, as well as some other qualities, but the rest of the body? Totally would have never seen that coming. Holy mother of God, seeing him was like Christmas morning. It reminded me of that episode of Futurama when Fry gets infected with the worms and he goes to fight Sal and Leela begs him not to and he rips off his shirt and he is full of muscle.
And because I have way too much time on my hands, let's say (in my wildest fantasies) that I had these two men fighting over me. Who would I go with? Andrew, of course. I mean, obviously there is the whole he would probably respect me a lot more. And Andrew also seems like the type that, just like his body, would shock you with basically everything he does. I almost want to say Sitch is someone who is probably good for sex and that's about it, but I doubt he is even good at that. I still get the feeling sex with him would be utterly disappointing (and quite infectious).
Andrew may be a bit of a pretty boy and has a tendency to dress in women's clothes (okay only about three times I have seen him do so) and is puny in stature compared to the Sitch, but from the little I have gathered of him, he is more of a man than the Sitch could even dream of being. For one, he actually seems to respect people. He probably doesn't go around calling girls grenades or landmines or whatever stupid terms those Cro-Magnons call every girl under the sun. And let's be honest here- even if Andrew did, at least he has room to say it! Look at him! He's pretty! Mike? Not so much. I might think he can be cute, but that boy shouldn't call anyone ugly.
I also highly doubt Andrew goes around sleeping with drunk women and then treating them like shit afterwards or trying to lure in girls who are in relationships. Mike doesn't even care if people are in relationships. If he wants to sleep with someone, he will do everything to get them regardless of their relation status. Oh, but I bet if you put the shoe on the other foot, the boy will be right there whining like the little 15 year old girl he acts like.
I also would be willing to bet a ton of money that Andrew could probably fight someone and kick their ass (but probably wouldn't, because he seems pretty peaceful and not an instigator of fights) more than the Sitch. He couldn't fight his way out of a paperbag. I'd like to see him actually get into a fight with someone who is not riddled with steroids or not a female. And actually WIN. Okay, so maybe Mike is not a fighter. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It could be a positive thing, in the sense that he probably wouldn't beat me (and that's a bigger plus if Old Man Sitch really was abusive). But he acts like he's got a lot of game and frankly, he is probably all talk and no game. I don't need my man to protect me at all costs, but it would be a little nice to know that he could have my back if needed.
Sitch, I know you got famous for your abs, but take a look at this boy. That is a hot body! Not too big, not too skinny, and properly PROPORTIONED. Andrew has one fine ass body! I seen he had some fairly ripped arms in the "Kids" video, as well as some other qualities, but the rest of the body? Totally would have never seen that coming. Holy mother of God, seeing him was like Christmas morning. It reminded me of that episode of Futurama when Fry gets infected with the worms and he goes to fight Sal and Leela begs him not to and he rips off his shirt and he is full of muscle.
And because I have way too much time on my hands, let's say (in my wildest fantasies) that I had these two men fighting over me. Who would I go with? Andrew, of course. I mean, obviously there is the whole he would probably respect me a lot more. And Andrew also seems like the type that, just like his body, would shock you with basically everything he does. I almost want to say Sitch is someone who is probably good for sex and that's about it, but I doubt he is even good at that. I still get the feeling sex with him would be utterly disappointing (and quite infectious).
Andrew may be a bit of a pretty boy and has a tendency to dress in women's clothes (okay only about three times I have seen him do so) and is puny in stature compared to the Sitch, but from the little I have gathered of him, he is more of a man than the Sitch could even dream of being. For one, he actually seems to respect people. He probably doesn't go around calling girls grenades or landmines or whatever stupid terms those Cro-Magnons call every girl under the sun. And let's be honest here- even if Andrew did, at least he has room to say it! Look at him! He's pretty! Mike? Not so much. I might think he can be cute, but that boy shouldn't call anyone ugly.
I also highly doubt Andrew goes around sleeping with drunk women and then treating them like shit afterwards or trying to lure in girls who are in relationships. Mike doesn't even care if people are in relationships. If he wants to sleep with someone, he will do everything to get them regardless of their relation status. Oh, but I bet if you put the shoe on the other foot, the boy will be right there whining like the little 15 year old girl he acts like.
I also would be willing to bet a ton of money that Andrew could probably fight someone and kick their ass (but probably wouldn't, because he seems pretty peaceful and not an instigator of fights) more than the Sitch. He couldn't fight his way out of a paperbag. I'd like to see him actually get into a fight with someone who is not riddled with steroids or not a female. And actually WIN. Okay, so maybe Mike is not a fighter. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It could be a positive thing, in the sense that he probably wouldn't beat me (and that's a bigger plus if Old Man Sitch really was abusive). But he acts like he's got a lot of game and frankly, he is probably all talk and no game. I don't need my man to protect me at all costs, but it would be a little nice to know that he could have my back if needed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Random Thoughts
Ugh I am getting closer to getting this test done. With the way I feel, you would think I was going in to find out if I have cancer or something. But I am scared to death what the results are going to be. For the most part today, I didn't seem to have much trouble. I still felt discomfort mostly when I am sitting or just standing around. I can't describe it, it's just like this prickling burning feeling and I would not say it is really painful, but it's very uncomfortable. And walking around seems to lessen it some. I did some stretching exercises last night and this morning so I don't know if maybe that is why it might feel a little better? It just comes and go and nothing seems to be the cause of setting it off. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and my heel was tingling. Not bad but enough for me to go WTF? And my big toe started twitching when this all started and it's been particularly bad the past few days. Right now it feels like my whole foot keeps wanting to curl. My big toe seems to burn the most. Some of the tingling seems like it is starting to move into the area right above my ankle, but not quite in the calf. And sometimes my foot just feels like some of the strength is going when I am walking. It's bizarre.
I am still almost starting to wonder if this is something nerve related, like tarsal tunnel. My sister says she thinks it could possibly be my back, but I think I would be feeling it in the entire leg as well. I do get cramping in my leg, but that seems to only flare up when I get really anxious, hence probably psychosmatic. And of course, researching brings out the ugliness of what it could be. I have seen MS as a possible cause on several pages, but I would eat my left hand if that is what was causing it. I mean, what would be the chances that I am absolutely terrified of something being wrong with me, and it turns out to be the last thing I was terrified of having?
But I am still absolutely terrified that it could be a stress fracture. I am going to go out of my mind waiting for these results. And then I realized today that I am due for my period, which exacerbates the OCD, which means I am really going to be a basket case. I have no idea how I am going to keep myself from completely losing it. Music is about the only thing keeping my head on right now. Also, as we already know, when I am stressed, I tend to get nasty. So that plus PMS....well, people would just be wise to not even come near me. I'll be tearing heads off.
Yesterday I was feeling particularly depressed and emotional over it and I was discussing it with my WA and I felt like a troll the whole time I was talking with her. Assuming her behavior is genuine and not an act, I am a terrible person. I really am. I thought a lot yesterday about how I treat people in relation to how they treat me and I should be ashamed of myself. I don't know what the fuck my problem is, except that I am a terrible person. My priorities in life are so out of whack it is ridiculous. I never flip out on people when I should and I flip out when I shouldn't.
I would have liked to have flipped out on someone today in work. I got an email from my boss that was from one of her higher ups and it was just fucking ridiculous. And I literally spent five minutes rereading one word in the email. For someone who has such a high authority, the fact that she used the completely wrong word as a spelling for another word just blew my mind. I didn't know whether to laugh or to curl up in the fetal position and weep while rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth at the stupidity of it (I ended up laughing).
I am still almost starting to wonder if this is something nerve related, like tarsal tunnel. My sister says she thinks it could possibly be my back, but I think I would be feeling it in the entire leg as well. I do get cramping in my leg, but that seems to only flare up when I get really anxious, hence probably psychosmatic. And of course, researching brings out the ugliness of what it could be. I have seen MS as a possible cause on several pages, but I would eat my left hand if that is what was causing it. I mean, what would be the chances that I am absolutely terrified of something being wrong with me, and it turns out to be the last thing I was terrified of having?
But I am still absolutely terrified that it could be a stress fracture. I am going to go out of my mind waiting for these results. And then I realized today that I am due for my period, which exacerbates the OCD, which means I am really going to be a basket case. I have no idea how I am going to keep myself from completely losing it. Music is about the only thing keeping my head on right now. Also, as we already know, when I am stressed, I tend to get nasty. So that plus PMS....well, people would just be wise to not even come near me. I'll be tearing heads off.
Yesterday I was feeling particularly depressed and emotional over it and I was discussing it with my WA and I felt like a troll the whole time I was talking with her. Assuming her behavior is genuine and not an act, I am a terrible person. I really am. I thought a lot yesterday about how I treat people in relation to how they treat me and I should be ashamed of myself. I don't know what the fuck my problem is, except that I am a terrible person. My priorities in life are so out of whack it is ridiculous. I never flip out on people when I should and I flip out when I shouldn't.
I would have liked to have flipped out on someone today in work. I got an email from my boss that was from one of her higher ups and it was just fucking ridiculous. And I literally spent five minutes rereading one word in the email. For someone who has such a high authority, the fact that she used the completely wrong word as a spelling for another word just blew my mind. I didn't know whether to laugh or to curl up in the fetal position and weep while rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth at the stupidity of it (I ended up laughing).
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Random Thoughts
I am not happy by any means that the weekend is over and I am back to work tomorrow, but all I want is to get this test done and over with and get the results. I have no idea how I am going to hold up the next two weeks. I am going to absolutely lose my freaking mind. So if a longer lapse in postings occurs, I probably was forced to voluntarily committed myself.
There are times I start to feel better about it and start to believe that it really is not anything to be concerned about, but then I might feel some discomfort or tingling or prickling and I am right back at the beginning of panicking. And every single time I panic, the rest of my body flares up in pain, especially across my shoulders and lumbar area. It is this very uncomfortable burning tingling feeling. And if it's not something in my foot that sets off the panicking, it's the sudden wonder of if I stop worrying about it, I might jinx everything. That is another issue. I am so beyond tired and exhausted from worrying over it, but I feel like if I don't worry about it, I am going to fuck everything up and there will be something wrong. I can't win either way.
It still amazes me how between the way heart disease runs rampant in my family, my terrible diet, and the amount of stress I place daily on my body that I have not dropped dead of a heart attack yet. But then again, I am still convinced I am going to die of cancer of the digestive system. Where, I still don't know. Probably the esophagus. I wouldn't be surprised if I already have cell changes going on. I am very uncompliant with treating acid reflux. And I really don't know why. It aggravates my mom that I don't treat it, since she has Barrett's now.
I believe very much now that I do definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I always believe that my case tends to fall into the primarily obsession type. I don't really have compulsions, but in cases like this compulsions tend to rear their heads. Back when I believed I had MS, I was constantly consulting my sister's nursing books on neurological exams and despite not having the faintest idea of what I was doing, I would conduct mini ones constantly throughout the day just to relieve some of my anxiety. I would walk heel to toe or stand with my eyes closed or whatever else was listed as a neurological exam and the faintest sign of an abnormality, I would flip my lid. Does this not sound familiar? I am still constantly prodding and poking my foot throughout the day or standing on my tip toes or jumping on one foot and the first sign of ANY pain, I flip my lid. But if I do not do this, I will flip my lid. Go figure.
My sister and I hung out yesterday and we went to dinner at Outback and ran to some stores and when we were in the market, I started to feel some discomfort and she could see on my face that I was starting to get upset over it and as usual she got annoyed and said something like you haven't been worried about this all night you have been fine! Apparently she did not catch my constantly touching and poking my foot the whole time we were out. And it was, in fact, on my mind the entire time we were out. Look, I can kind of understand why people get annoyed over it, but it upsets me very much when people get angry with me over it.
There are times I start to feel better about it and start to believe that it really is not anything to be concerned about, but then I might feel some discomfort or tingling or prickling and I am right back at the beginning of panicking. And every single time I panic, the rest of my body flares up in pain, especially across my shoulders and lumbar area. It is this very uncomfortable burning tingling feeling. And if it's not something in my foot that sets off the panicking, it's the sudden wonder of if I stop worrying about it, I might jinx everything. That is another issue. I am so beyond tired and exhausted from worrying over it, but I feel like if I don't worry about it, I am going to fuck everything up and there will be something wrong. I can't win either way.
It still amazes me how between the way heart disease runs rampant in my family, my terrible diet, and the amount of stress I place daily on my body that I have not dropped dead of a heart attack yet. But then again, I am still convinced I am going to die of cancer of the digestive system. Where, I still don't know. Probably the esophagus. I wouldn't be surprised if I already have cell changes going on. I am very uncompliant with treating acid reflux. And I really don't know why. It aggravates my mom that I don't treat it, since she has Barrett's now.
I believe very much now that I do definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I always believe that my case tends to fall into the primarily obsession type. I don't really have compulsions, but in cases like this compulsions tend to rear their heads. Back when I believed I had MS, I was constantly consulting my sister's nursing books on neurological exams and despite not having the faintest idea of what I was doing, I would conduct mini ones constantly throughout the day just to relieve some of my anxiety. I would walk heel to toe or stand with my eyes closed or whatever else was listed as a neurological exam and the faintest sign of an abnormality, I would flip my lid. Does this not sound familiar? I am still constantly prodding and poking my foot throughout the day or standing on my tip toes or jumping on one foot and the first sign of ANY pain, I flip my lid. But if I do not do this, I will flip my lid. Go figure.
My sister and I hung out yesterday and we went to dinner at Outback and ran to some stores and when we were in the market, I started to feel some discomfort and she could see on my face that I was starting to get upset over it and as usual she got annoyed and said something like you haven't been worried about this all night you have been fine! Apparently she did not catch my constantly touching and poking my foot the whole time we were out. And it was, in fact, on my mind the entire time we were out. Look, I can kind of understand why people get annoyed over it, but it upsets me very much when people get angry with me over it.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Random Thoughts
I decided to give my local imaging center that I normally go to a call the other day to get a couple of quotes on an MRI and a bone scan. Boy, that was like pulling teeth. They gave me such a hard time on the phone, but finally they gave me two prices- an MRI of the lower extremity was $1125 and a bone scan was $686. Whether those were the proper prices or not is beyond my knowledge, but obviously I want to go with the cheaper one, so I give my doctor's office a call and ask if I would be able to get a prescription for a bone scan. No problem, they say. So today my mother calls me and tells me that she picked up my prescription and reads it to me. Whoever filled out the prescription (somehow I doubt the doctor did) had me down for a DEXA scan. So then I had to call up AGAIN and tell them that no, I do not need a DEXA, I need a three phase bone scan. Again, no problem and they are going to fax it over to the imaging center. Let's hope this time I am down for the proper test and that it actually got faxed over. Otherwise I will lose it.
I scheduled an appointment during work today for the bone scan, but unfortunately I have to wait until NEXT Friday. And not only do I have to wait a whole entire week for the test, then I will have to wait several days, probably almost another week, for the results. I had my x-ray done on a Friday and did not get my results until the following Thursday. I am going to lose my freaking mind in the meantime. I want to scream. At this point, I am about to just go to the ER and if I can get the peace of mind that there is nothing truly wrong, I will pay any price. You know, until the next thing comes along to turn me into a raving maniac like I am right now.
I swear, sometimes I wish someone would just save me the trouble.
I know I have said it before, but it amazes me how much stress does physically to the body. I am in a ton of pain from head to toe and it is making me even crankier. My right leg is so cramped up and it's to the point that I am starting to have trouble distinguishing whether it is my leg or foot hurting. I get sick and anxious every time I have to get up and walk because I am dreading I am going to feel pain when I walk. And the fear of getting up and walking is severely exacerbating That Thing. All I want to do at this point is stay in bed and never get out again. I just want to sleep because, for the most part, it is the only time I have any peace.
I had my favorite doctor in work take a look at the copy of my x-rays today and he said everything looked okay and then he offered to look at my foot. He moved it around some and pressed on it and I felt no pain (my family doctor did the same thing the other day and I felt no pain then either). He said to go ahead and get the bone scan done (I had told him I asked my doctor for one) and then joked that on my way out to make an appointment for him to look at my bone scan, which I take he wants to see them when I get them done. I felt guilty asking him to take a look at my x-rays, but he was more than happy. I figured I'd just promise him a life time of coffee making, since I generally will always offer to make coffee for him when he is in.
I always get such bad anxiety when I go the doctors that I can never describe anything good or I forget to mention things. It's tough to describe what exactly I am feeling. I generally do not have pain when I am walking. Sometimes I might step down and feel pain, generally never in the same area. Sometimes in the metatarsal area, sometimes back further. Sometimes I might feel pain if I jump on it or stand on my tiptoes. Again, not always in the same spot. I do not feel any pain when I press on any areas, except sometimes if I might press a little too roughly. One thing I did notice was both times the doctors felt my foot, it felt tingly when it was pressed. Tingling is another symptom I have noticed a lot of, mostly under the inner ankle bone and and inner part of the foot. Sometimes it's a burning pain. This is generally more noticable when I am sitting down. Sometimes I might just feel a very mild general pain in different areas. A lot of times my foot has the sensation that it is cold. I also find there are times where I feel like my foot has lost sensation (this is one of the highly suspicious of psychosomatic symptoms). I briefly wondered, as well as my WA suggested it, if I might have tarsal tunnel syndrome. But I don't know.
I scheduled an appointment during work today for the bone scan, but unfortunately I have to wait until NEXT Friday. And not only do I have to wait a whole entire week for the test, then I will have to wait several days, probably almost another week, for the results. I had my x-ray done on a Friday and did not get my results until the following Thursday. I am going to lose my freaking mind in the meantime. I want to scream. At this point, I am about to just go to the ER and if I can get the peace of mind that there is nothing truly wrong, I will pay any price. You know, until the next thing comes along to turn me into a raving maniac like I am right now.
I swear, sometimes I wish someone would just save me the trouble.
I know I have said it before, but it amazes me how much stress does physically to the body. I am in a ton of pain from head to toe and it is making me even crankier. My right leg is so cramped up and it's to the point that I am starting to have trouble distinguishing whether it is my leg or foot hurting. I get sick and anxious every time I have to get up and walk because I am dreading I am going to feel pain when I walk. And the fear of getting up and walking is severely exacerbating That Thing. All I want to do at this point is stay in bed and never get out again. I just want to sleep because, for the most part, it is the only time I have any peace.
I had my favorite doctor in work take a look at the copy of my x-rays today and he said everything looked okay and then he offered to look at my foot. He moved it around some and pressed on it and I felt no pain (my family doctor did the same thing the other day and I felt no pain then either). He said to go ahead and get the bone scan done (I had told him I asked my doctor for one) and then joked that on my way out to make an appointment for him to look at my bone scan, which I take he wants to see them when I get them done. I felt guilty asking him to take a look at my x-rays, but he was more than happy. I figured I'd just promise him a life time of coffee making, since I generally will always offer to make coffee for him when he is in.
I always get such bad anxiety when I go the doctors that I can never describe anything good or I forget to mention things. It's tough to describe what exactly I am feeling. I generally do not have pain when I am walking. Sometimes I might step down and feel pain, generally never in the same area. Sometimes in the metatarsal area, sometimes back further. Sometimes I might feel pain if I jump on it or stand on my tiptoes. Again, not always in the same spot. I do not feel any pain when I press on any areas, except sometimes if I might press a little too roughly. One thing I did notice was both times the doctors felt my foot, it felt tingly when it was pressed. Tingling is another symptom I have noticed a lot of, mostly under the inner ankle bone and and inner part of the foot. Sometimes it's a burning pain. This is generally more noticable when I am sitting down. Sometimes I might just feel a very mild general pain in different areas. A lot of times my foot has the sensation that it is cold. I also find there are times where I feel like my foot has lost sensation (this is one of the highly suspicious of psychosomatic symptoms). I briefly wondered, as well as my WA suggested it, if I might have tarsal tunnel syndrome. But I don't know.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Video Of The Day
I don't know what it is about it, but I love this song:
Every time I hear his name, I think of acidophilus.
Every time I hear his name, I think of acidophilus.
The Stupid Of The Day
So last night I was able to get an appointment with my doctor for today and he offered me a few suggestions, one being to get an MRI or a bone scan. Now having have done a short stint in radiology billing, I know MRIs are very expensive. But I never saw the price of a bone scan and I figured they were a lot more money, so stupid me, thinking that it was cheaper, agreed to the MRI. And now I find out MRIs are more expensive. SIGNIFICANTLY more expensive.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Random Thoughts
I often like the fact that all bridges will eventually break when too much stress is placed upon them. Some may be able to handle more than others, some not as much. Anymore I keep questioning how much more stress is my "bridge" going to be able to sustain.
My mother and I got into a fight ONCE AGAIN earlier. I don't even know what the hell started it, yet somehow I am getting the blame for starting the fight. I should be used to getting blamed for everything anyway. I get blamed for everything at home and I get blamed for everyone else's mistakes in work. I just apparently am incapable of doing anything right. But anyway, the fight turned into an all out attack on me once again. I don't know why I cannot get anyone to comprehend that I am not enjoying worrying over my foot by any means. Everyone is acting like I am getting some kind of fucking KICK out of this. I am absolutely NOT. I feel like I am in a fucking nightmare. I desperately want to believe that there is nothing wrong with it. But I just cannot. No matter what I do or anyone else says, I cannot believe that nothing is wrong with it. I am too scared that there is. Until I get a more in-depth test that is reliable and says there is nothing wrong, I am going to continue to stress over it. And I hate every fucking bit of it.
My mom said some pretty nasty things to me and I don't remember what I said that made her actually physically come after me to hit me and I grabbed her hands when she came at me and gripped them real tight. And I don't know if it was the look on my face or how hard I was gripping her hands, but she started screaming at me repeatedly to go ahead and hurt her. And I am a bit ashamed to admit that I was very tempted to knock my mother on her ass.
One time during the argument she started on me not wanting to get help (again, trying to make people understand trust issues is like talking to a brick wall) and I screamed at her that there are just some things (That Thing) that cannot be told to anyone. And she starts flipping out on me, that oh what could be so terrible that I can't tell her or my sister. I just know in my gut that this is something I cannot tell anyone. I have told only three people in my life, one was that kid Sam, and the other two were both people who want the same thing. I was very tempted to find the letter, throw it at her, and scream here, you want to know what it is so bad?!
And another thing is- and I don't know if this is something that is partial to obsessive compulsive disorder or just another one of my wacky traits- I do not want to stress over things, but there are certain things that I feel if I do NOT stress over them, that it is bad luck.
I am so tired and I am so overwhelmed. I really don't know what to do anymore.
In the meantime, I think I am just going to go troll a troll over on TMZ.
My mother and I got into a fight ONCE AGAIN earlier. I don't even know what the hell started it, yet somehow I am getting the blame for starting the fight. I should be used to getting blamed for everything anyway. I get blamed for everything at home and I get blamed for everyone else's mistakes in work. I just apparently am incapable of doing anything right. But anyway, the fight turned into an all out attack on me once again. I don't know why I cannot get anyone to comprehend that I am not enjoying worrying over my foot by any means. Everyone is acting like I am getting some kind of fucking KICK out of this. I am absolutely NOT. I feel like I am in a fucking nightmare. I desperately want to believe that there is nothing wrong with it. But I just cannot. No matter what I do or anyone else says, I cannot believe that nothing is wrong with it. I am too scared that there is. Until I get a more in-depth test that is reliable and says there is nothing wrong, I am going to continue to stress over it. And I hate every fucking bit of it.
My mom said some pretty nasty things to me and I don't remember what I said that made her actually physically come after me to hit me and I grabbed her hands when she came at me and gripped them real tight. And I don't know if it was the look on my face or how hard I was gripping her hands, but she started screaming at me repeatedly to go ahead and hurt her. And I am a bit ashamed to admit that I was very tempted to knock my mother on her ass.
One time during the argument she started on me not wanting to get help (again, trying to make people understand trust issues is like talking to a brick wall) and I screamed at her that there are just some things (That Thing) that cannot be told to anyone. And she starts flipping out on me, that oh what could be so terrible that I can't tell her or my sister. I just know in my gut that this is something I cannot tell anyone. I have told only three people in my life, one was that kid Sam, and the other two were both people who want the same thing. I was very tempted to find the letter, throw it at her, and scream here, you want to know what it is so bad?!
And another thing is- and I don't know if this is something that is partial to obsessive compulsive disorder or just another one of my wacky traits- I do not want to stress over things, but there are certain things that I feel if I do NOT stress over them, that it is bad luck.
I am so tired and I am so overwhelmed. I really don't know what to do anymore.
In the meantime, I think I am just going to go troll a troll over on TMZ.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Random Thoughts
What a weekend.
My anxiety has not been like this since before I was admitted to the hospital. I have been a WRECK over my stupid foot. And it's not even over the same spot as what I was initially worried about. Initally I was worried I might have had a stress fracture closer to the toe area, in the metatarsal area. Now my mind is completely focused on worrying that I have a stress fracture in the navicular area. I have been and still am sick to my stomach with worry over this. I can't stand it. I want to vomit every time I think about it. I have been crying like crazy because I am so fucking unbelievably stressed over this. I have almost literally yanked out chunks of hair. My fingers look like hell because when I am stressed, I pull at the cuticles. I have to keep poking at areas on my foot or standing on my toes or other things because I get stressed if I don't and the first sign of ANY pain ignites my already high anxiety levels. And then I get stressed over having to do this stuff because then I worry that I will actually injure something by doing this. I want to go back to the doctor but I am also absolutely terrified to go back and them find something.
My mom has repeatedly said since I started freaking out on Saturday that she doesn't understand why I am so upset, but what she does not realize is how the stress of That Thing is tied into this. Like I have said before, stressing over my foot is only making me want That Thing more, which in turn is making me feel even full of shame. I happened to realize yesterday that only once I have ever made a reference to That Thing to my mom, when one day I was upset over it and I was sobbing my head off on my bed and she was sitting with me and I said to her that I don't understand how you can be so terrified of something only to do a complete 180 and wish it would happen to you. Because That Thing was once one of my biggest fears.
And since not one thought that crosses my mind seems to make any sense, I absolutely lose my freaking mind at the first signs of losing any independence. And yet....and yet That Thing would take away some of it. Possibly even quite a bit. Explain that one, Freud.
I went to a cookout yesterday that my aunt (dad's sister) threw and I was looking forward to it about as much as root canal. At almost 1Am this morning, my aunt calls and asks if my mother was still awake. So I put her on and then when she gets off the phone, she tells me my other aunt (other sister) had been taken to the ER. So my parents got dressed and went down to the hospital and I went to bed. I would have went, but I had spent about 45 minutes sobbing over being worried about my foot and I could barely keep my eyes open and all I wanted to do was go to bed and stop thinking for a little bit. And then this morning my mom tells me my aunt had already passed on by the time they got there. In all honesty, am not a fan of my father's side of the family, but I did like my aunt. She was always friendlier than my other paternal aunt.
Oh and I got the wonderful news that my 2nd cousin (my aunt's granddaughter) is pregnant. She has no job, makes no effort to find a job, no money, her boyfriend works a part time job and has about a fraction more ambition than her. So America, say hello to your latest welfare queen.
So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. I have been looking forward to this three day weekend since Memorial Day weekend ended and it has been completely ruined by my goddamn uncontrollable twisted mind. I feel like I am about to lose my freaking mind.
My anxiety has not been like this since before I was admitted to the hospital. I have been a WRECK over my stupid foot. And it's not even over the same spot as what I was initially worried about. Initally I was worried I might have had a stress fracture closer to the toe area, in the metatarsal area. Now my mind is completely focused on worrying that I have a stress fracture in the navicular area. I have been and still am sick to my stomach with worry over this. I can't stand it. I want to vomit every time I think about it. I have been crying like crazy because I am so fucking unbelievably stressed over this. I have almost literally yanked out chunks of hair. My fingers look like hell because when I am stressed, I pull at the cuticles. I have to keep poking at areas on my foot or standing on my toes or other things because I get stressed if I don't and the first sign of ANY pain ignites my already high anxiety levels. And then I get stressed over having to do this stuff because then I worry that I will actually injure something by doing this. I want to go back to the doctor but I am also absolutely terrified to go back and them find something.
My mom has repeatedly said since I started freaking out on Saturday that she doesn't understand why I am so upset, but what she does not realize is how the stress of That Thing is tied into this. Like I have said before, stressing over my foot is only making me want That Thing more, which in turn is making me feel even full of shame. I happened to realize yesterday that only once I have ever made a reference to That Thing to my mom, when one day I was upset over it and I was sobbing my head off on my bed and she was sitting with me and I said to her that I don't understand how you can be so terrified of something only to do a complete 180 and wish it would happen to you. Because That Thing was once one of my biggest fears.
And since not one thought that crosses my mind seems to make any sense, I absolutely lose my freaking mind at the first signs of losing any independence. And yet....and yet That Thing would take away some of it. Possibly even quite a bit. Explain that one, Freud.
I went to a cookout yesterday that my aunt (dad's sister) threw and I was looking forward to it about as much as root canal. At almost 1Am this morning, my aunt calls and asks if my mother was still awake. So I put her on and then when she gets off the phone, she tells me my other aunt (other sister) had been taken to the ER. So my parents got dressed and went down to the hospital and I went to bed. I would have went, but I had spent about 45 minutes sobbing over being worried about my foot and I could barely keep my eyes open and all I wanted to do was go to bed and stop thinking for a little bit. And then this morning my mom tells me my aunt had already passed on by the time they got there. In all honesty, am not a fan of my father's side of the family, but I did like my aunt. She was always friendlier than my other paternal aunt.
Oh and I got the wonderful news that my 2nd cousin (my aunt's granddaughter) is pregnant. She has no job, makes no effort to find a job, no money, her boyfriend works a part time job and has about a fraction more ambition than her. So America, say hello to your latest welfare queen.
So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. I have been looking forward to this three day weekend since Memorial Day weekend ended and it has been completely ruined by my goddamn uncontrollable twisted mind. I feel like I am about to lose my freaking mind.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
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