Random Thoughts

Ugh, where do these people find me? I have been conversing back and forth on a forum with some guy and I know I am a Debby Downer, but my god, this kid makes me look like a positive person. Every email he sent me is he can't take it anymore, he wants to die, etc. And honestly, I have no fucking idea how to respond to that. I have been suicidal for pretty most of my life, and although I would never EVER encourage someone to do it, I am really not in the position to stand there and try to talk them out of it either. Oh and not to mention I ask him questions and he doesn't even answer them. It gives me a headache. Am I talking to myself here?

And I am a bit curious as to why I have not heard from him. I swear, if that idiot killed himself, I will hunt him down and beat his dead corpse.

I don't understand why these types always come to me. Just like the time I had someone asking me advice on their Seroquel dosages. What the hell, people? I am not a doctor! I can't even figure out how to solve my own goddamn problems, let alone yours! Leave me the hell alone!

Well, I made an appointment with the alternative doctor. I am going to see her later on today. I really am hoping maybe, just maybe, she could have an answer for me. If she does, I think I am going to cry, because I will finally have an answer. And then I can finally get to working on my mind, although I think at this point it would be easier to just stick a bomb in my brain.

It really is a shame that one cannot pick and choose which things can stay in the mind. I have gotten extremely forgetful over the years, and yet the shit I don't want to remember still stays in there like some goddamn virus. It sucks. There have actually been days where I have contemplated running head first into the wall just to try and get rid of everything. I never would, of course, since there is no guarantee of memory loss or of losing those particular memories.

And it sucks when your anxiety starts getting so severe, that you don't even know what is real and what is not. Like is my craving for salty foods real, or is it psychologically induced from believing I have Addison's? I can easily convince myself to crave stuff. I just saw a picture of the vanilla bean cheesecake from Fridays and now that is all I keep thinking of. So do I have myself so convinced of having Addison's, that I have myself believing I want salty foods? For the love of God, why when I go through these "disease crises", why can't they be ones that are EASILY DIAGNOSABLE?