Where Do I Go From Here?

What the hell do I do from here?

I can't say I am particularly suicidal. All I know is I am fucking done. All I want is to just be done with this whole fucking life thing. I feel so goddamn fucking worthless and my mother can tell me until she is blue in the face that I am not worthless, but she sure doesn't help in making me feel not worthless. My sister doesn't give a shit about me and forget even contacting anyone else. My aunt can never fucking be bothered. I had to hear for 7 straight days, every single fucking day, in the hospital that oh when I get out we're going to start doing more stuff together. Have we? No.

All I spend all my time doing is making sure I don't hurt other people's feelings, but does anyone ever think twice about hurting mine? No. Everyone around me seems to thrive on constantly hurting me. I just asked for other's opinions on a situation in an Etiquette forum and I was told to get over it by one. No, Bob, I will not get over it. For someone who could potentially be my brother in law one day, it is fucking rude as hell to regift a giftcard to me for somewhere I do not even go anymore! And I will certainly not pass it on to someone else because unlike you, I am not a rude asshole who passes gifts I received onto someone else and pretend it is a gift. Its one thing if the regift involves even a remote caring thought, but I know damn well this didn't because my sister's boyfriend is a selfish asshole. Unless you are in dire straights with money or the gift is for someone you are not close to, regifting is wrong. I don't care what anyone says.

Its so exciting to know that one day I could have this guy as my brother in law. Now I will know how my aunt feels having my father for a brother in law.

I thought back to when I was in hospital and I was dangerously suicidal and terrified I had MS and all I wanted was support. The hospital staff treated us all like crap and forget my family. They hardly did anything to support me. Nooo. Anytime I would get overwhelmingly anxious and upset and would start to cry, they would get pissed at me and scream at me that there was nothing wrong with me. I'm sorry, and how does that help me?

I have been working in my actual workplace for the past couple weeks and this week I get a break. I have to go back in next week and the idea of it is making me want to projectile vomit. I hate my job with a passion and I don't even know why. It's not a bad job; I just hate it, probably more so because reading the files just makes me hate people more. I just got a pretty glowing review and most of the people there are nice and speak highly of me (take that, everyone who wouldn't give me a chance). Every time I think about having to go back, I want to scream.

I also get annoyed how my boss talks to me like I am fucking stupid. I had a problem one day with the stapler- every time I would put a block of staples in and even trying to shut it gently, the staple block would shoot out. So I went and asked her for a new one and she takes it from me and starts lecturing me on how to use it. Repeatedly. I just stood there, speechless. I wanted to say "lady, I am 26 fucking years old- I think I know how to use a goddamn stapler and there is clearly something not right with this one!".

Every time I start a new job, all I want to do is settle myself in and grow with the company. But every single job I have been at, within a few months, I get bored. And to the point where I want to bash my head in with a rock rather than go to work. Even the roads to get to work annoy me.

Look, I know most people hate working. I don't necessarily hate working (shit, I loved my last job at a radiology company, until I was pulled into the middle of a conflict between the girl who trained me and our manager); I just cannot tolerate the whole 8 to 5 routine. I can't stomach being in rush hour traffic. It fries my nerve. Every day I sit in it, I want to floor my car into a tree because I find it so intolerable. I need a job that is not so....corporate. And one that leaves me pretty solitary. Something good for an extreme introvert. I love how when people ask for a job that is good for introverts, a hundred gazillion dipshits alway suggest nursing. How is nursing not an extrovert job? Gimme a break.

I can't stand how much my father gets on my nerves. I don't even know why he does. Just every fucking thing he does annoys the hell out of me. And it makes me feel bad. For the most part. He is such an arrogant asshole sometimes. I especially can't stand how my mother badmouths him left and right, but the minute I do, she is right there defending him.

I am also fed up with my stomach. I have never been diagnosed with it, but more than likely I have IBS with constipation. I have had constipation problems for so damn long and it just gets worse every year. The past few weeks, I have not been able to go at all. The scale shot up and finally Friday, I broke down and took a laxative and by Saturday morning, I was down 4 freaking pounds on the scale. Got back on today and it's up 3 or 4 pounds again. Why? Because I am right back to where I started! Pain in the abdomen, gas filled stomach, and not able to go at all! I have tried it all- water, exercise, more fiber and none of it helps! I take 2 tsp of Metamucil a day and everyone keeps telling me that is what is binding me, but if I don't take it, then I am sobbing because the lower left side of my abdomen hurts so bad. It feels like barbed wire or glass is sitting in my intestines. I don't know how Mucil stops it, but all I know is it does and that is all that matters. This pain makes me wonder if I could have diverticulosis. Or however it is spelled.

But the point is I take Mucil and I still can't go to the bathroom! That is the whole reason I started it! Because I couldn't go at all! Right before I started to take it, I could not go at all. I started to take it and nothing, then upped my dosage to 2 tsp and it worked some. And every so often, I will have days where it works, but for the most part, nothing. And whenever I am in stores, I always go down the aisles to see what else I can try and I end up pulling my hair out because there is so much shit to help one shit! And to try any of it, you could be there forever and in debt.