Random Thoughts

It's too warm. I have been wanting warm weather, but I am not ready for this warm.

I just heard a drug-pushing commercial where a whole gang of people talk about how they do not feel as good as they want to with their current antidepressant. I have heard quite of few of those in the past and when I heard them, I thought, oh, maybe something new I can try. The first one made no mention of the drug name and it offered a mail packet to send for, so out of curiosity I ordered one. Only to be disappointed to open the package and find out it was for not only the very first drug I was on, but one I have been on twice- Effexor. The commercial I just heard was for Abilify. Also a drug I have already been on. The thing with Abilify is, it did actually work. I just couldn't stay on it because it made me gain 10 pounds in 2 weeks and it made me incredibly restless and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. Akathesia, I think it's called.

I had someone contact me on a medical forum about when I was on Seroquel and stupid me had to open my big fat mouth and tell him/her that if they had any more questions, I would be happy to answer them. A few days later I receive a message asking me about going off of it and what should he or she do. I gave some answers, but then told the person that they really should be discussing this with their doctor. I haven't heard back from them in a week or so, but you know what? I am not a fucking doctor! It's one thing to screw up my own brain chemicals by quitting these drugs cold-turkey like I have stupidly done so many times in the past, but I am not going to be held responsible for dispensing advice and screwing up someone else's mind as well.

I keep thinking back to September when we had an offer on our house and how the idea of moving out of a house I have been living in for almost 20 years (at the time; it's over 20 years now) was unimaginable. And now I keep thinking, why oh why, didn't I push to move? But who knew that a few months later I would watch the news and have to see houses that are identical to mine be ripped up off the ground and hurled miles away from where they sat when a very mild tornado hit the area? And I know that if I ever admit this to anyone, the first things will be "we don't live in a trailer park" (but it is a pre-fab home), "we don't live in the South or Midwest where they are more prominant", and "have you ever seen one hit here?" (no, but there is a first time for everything). Almost every night, I have had to endure nightmares of this shit. I get jolted awake and cannot move for at least 15 minutes and then when I finally can, I'll burst into tears.

And boy, let's make everything worse! I simply put the Weather Channel on to listen for the local forecast and wouldn't you know a show is on and they are discussing the increased risk for severe weather due to global warming and how the Northeast could see an increase in it?

A lot of my anxiety about them isn't so much the destruction, it's the idea of people I love being injured or even killed. Since graduating high school, I started to really realize that one day I will not have my parents around and it was a big part of sending me into such a vicious downward spiral. I know it's something that almost everyone has to go through, but it is still unbearable to think about. Even more unbearable is the idea of it happening due to something other than illness or old age. I am already sick over driving down to Myrtle Beach and that is a little over 3 months away! Can you imagine me having children? I would be having nervous breakdowns from morning until night about something happening to them! No way can it be done.

About a week ago, there was a story on the news where an eleven year-old girl had to watch her mother be brutally murdered in front of her. Can you imagine? I can't. The idea is incomprehensible. My heart goes out to that poor girl.

Speaking of children, I posted a link to the site Why The Fuck Do You Have A Kid? and the site would be fucking hilarious if it wasn't so disgusting. Having children should be a privilege, not a right. Just because you can have children doesn't mean you should.

In fact, I think that many people who wonder if they are fertile or not should ask themselves, would I make a good parent? And if they would, chances are their fertile levels are pretty low. Idiots who should not be procreating never seem to have a problem in the fertility area.