Random Thoughts

I have the joy of going to the dentist for a cleaning at 9AM tomorrow. Huzzah! Can't wait to be told I have about 14 cavities probably. And a tooth is bothering me on the lower left side again. I freaking give up. I think because I am so afraid of feeling pain when I eat, I haven't been chewing right and I've had a headache every single day this week. I also am starting to wonder if I have TMJ disorder. I wouldn't be surprised, with the way I grind my teeth.

I also have my primary doctor's appointment tomorrow night. Hopefully I won't chicken out when it comes to describing how shitty I feel and what I want tested when I have blood work done.

A couple mornings ago, and this morning on the way to work, I heard the song "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. I know, it's a sappy song like most of his songs- although I still remain devoted to "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)", the epic sap song, but fuck it's still a good song; "Run To You" is pretty good as well. I felt really depressed listening to it. I think it was the line "once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around bring you up when you're feeling down". Because I don't know what that feels like and probably never will. It really depresses me.

Another song I keep hearing that I haven't heard in a while is "Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister. I was OBSESSED, to put it mildly, with that song (and 80's music in general) in middle school. Years later, I never realized just how many people hate it (I think it's that line about being half of the blood and flesh that makes one whole). I still kind of like it, but I haven't listened to it in an extremely long time and one Saturday I heard it on the radio. Then I heard it later that night. And a few more times that week. And I keep hearing it every so often.

Quote Of The Day

From "Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles": 

[Time Lapse. Farnsworth sits down. Fry, Leela and Bender are already eating. Farnsworth gets out his teeth and puts them on the table. Leela covers her eyes in disbelief.]

Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, Professor.

Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear-powered!

[He presses a button on a remote control and the teeth start chomping his food. They bite Fry.]

I Can't

This day is getting on my last nerve. It's snowing AGAIN. My bank tax forms are screwed up. I got a bill for $237 from my insurance for my last ultrasound. The whole thing cost $296. When I was uninsured, I paid around $150 for it. What good is insurance? Clearly it may be helpful in the case of catastrophes, but other than that, why even bother freaking having it? Between all you put out a month and then having a deductible slapped on top, what is the point?

And what I want to know is why with the plan I had at that time, so much is giving towards the first half of the deductible from the company, yet I wasn't giving any money. Why was I not giving any money towards my deductible? It probably would have only been like $65, but it would have helped immensely! I had a similar plan back when I was laid off and when I took on COBRA in November, they still gave money towards my deductible.

Also, I stopped using Truvia and instead of having diarrhea, I am constipated as hell. And still bloated. And extremely uncomfortable. There is no win.

Family alleges Ohio execution unconstitutional

He set a man on fire and left him to die.....and we're expected to give fucks that he suffered?

Then there was the letter in Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: Our 13-year-old is addicted to her phone. She stays on it for hours, and it's affecting the time she goes to bed. She's now starting to oversleep the alarm in the morning before school. She's spoiled, and I'm afraid that removing or limiting phone privileges will lead to major problems with her protesting it. I don't want truant officers or social workers coming to my house because my wife and I can't discipline our kid. How do you handle a spoiled brat without involving outside agencies? She's nice to people in school, but is lazy at home and totally self-centered. -- FRUSTRATED, EXHAUSTED DAD

GROW A SET, ASSHOLE.

Maybe Some Good News?

Whatever this thing is with me worrying about my health all the time, whether it is just still simply part of having OCD or it is undiagnosed hypochondria, I have mentioned before that I will do things to check whether I could possibly have [insert disease of the moment] or not. Like checking my skin and taking my blood pressure repeatedly. I will also read articles over and over again to find things to try and assure myself I do not have it.

I was in the bathroom at work earlier and I started to think about those cysts I have had (don't ask, I tend to think of things in the weirdest places. Like last Sunday I was in the shower and while I was washing my hair, I realized that I completely forgot about trying the California cheesesteak sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory). They form during ovulation and I started to think, well, if I am getting these cysts, is that a sure sign I am ovulating? So I googled it. And found this:

If you do not ovulate, you will not form functional cysts. (from the Cleveland Clinic)

So I am definitely ovulating then? I mean, I can tell....but there is still always that doubt.

On another note, my perfect cousin with the perfect life posted an article about Victoria's Secret kicking out a woman breast-feeding her spawn and how she is never going to shop there again. Yes, I am sure they will miss your business. It's not like there aren't hordes of Love Pink-wearing college-aged girls and overly tanned bleached blonde middle-aged women (usually the former's mothers) to make up for your woe is me I am so oppressed strike.

Random Thoughts

I'm nervous about driving into work tomorrow. I hope the roads aren't bad.

Shit, my anxiety levels are AWFUL right now. I'm so damn anxious and I have these horrible thoughts running through my head of bad shit happening and I'm emotional as fuck and I am still feeling awful over Saturday night and I just want to scream. I get so overwhelmed by all of the horrible thoughts in my head, I just want to start crying and never stop. Or do what I wish I could do- rip that part of my brain out and put a bullet through it.

I am not particularly obsessed with germs, except in the cases of meningococcal and anything that can cause sepsis, but yesterday in work I was checking over our temp's work and she had went home sick on Monday and was out Tuesday and while I was going through her work, I realized I was licking my finger every so often rifling through the pages and then I started to think, omg, what if there are still germs on the paper? And I was so anxious the rest of the day.

And every time I see someone make a comment on the internet about OCD that doesn't come from someone who has it or understands it, I want to punch my monitor. I'll keep on saying it- if people knew what true OCD was like, they'd never joke about it again.

Random Thoughts

Well everyone I was concerned about is home safe and sound right now. I was a wreck all day. And when I said something to my manager about being nervous, I get "there's nothing  you can do about it unfortunately". There is nothing worse than saying that to someone with anxiety. It's right up there with telling someone with OCD to stop thinking about [whatever they are obsessed over]. I know there is nothing I can do about it! It doesn't mean I won't worry about it!

Actually, I can think of something more annoying. Telling what my manager said to me to my FWA and her making it about herself ("that's the worse thing to tell a pregnant girl"). Everything is always about her. I never seen someone so desperate for attention in my life. Yesterday, someone said they saw snow last week and she says "oh yeah I saw it last Thursday when I was home throwing up". Like who fucking cares that she was home throwing up?

And speaking of annoying, my perfect cousin with the perfect life just had her baby last week. And her Facebook post was vomit inducing as expected, although I expected it to be even worse. She was a scheduled C-section, so I am surprised she didn't post something like oh everything was just wonderful with my C-section, the doctors were wonderful, my incision was just perfect, and I woke up with absolutely no pain due to all of the love surrounding me when I woke up. BARF. And every posting since then has been just as every bit as nauseating and she's always "feeling blessed".

My coworker who is always playing with her phone brought her baby in last week. He loved me, go figure (I played peek-a-boo with him, which is apparently his favorite game). He still reminds me of Opie, though. I'm sorry, some babies just really aren't that cute. I know everyone will think their baby is cute and I'd probably be the same way....oh who I am kidding? If I gave birth to an ugly baby, the first thing I'd say is JFC what is that?

Now.....just keeping my fingers crossed for a delayed opening or snow day tomorrow.

(please be the latter)

ETA 2:26PM: We ended up having to go in regular time. I ended up just taking a personal day and I am really pissed off that I had to do so. I guess it's just my overactive guilt gene, but I always feel terrible when I stay home from work. I feel like it's just expected of me to go to work every day and when I stay home, even on a day I requested to have off, I always feel a little bit of guilt. It's so ridiculous. As is this weather. I am so damn done with this winter. And then I can't even get a break when spring rolls around. Then it will be worrying about storms constantly.

When my boss called this morning, my father answered and told her he doesn't think I'll be coming in. I wanted to die after he told me that. I'm so fucking embarrassed!

And all of my coworkers are whining on Facebook because if they came in late, they had to use PTO time, which is odd because normally we cannot take any less than 4 hours. But for some reason not today. FFS, they whine if they don't get paid (like the day the office was closed) and they whine if they have to get paid....WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT???!

Super FTS

I'm a nervous wreck about tomorrow. Off the fucking wall. My period is starting to come on, but it won't fully come on to relieve me of this psychotic hell. I know I have mentioned my emotions run rampant from about the point after ovulation ends, but nothing is worse than the point between it starting to come on and it actually coming on full-blown. That is when my hormones seem to be the most enraged. And I feel like screaming just come on already!

Also, I turned on the radio last night and was flipping through the stations and 106.1 was playing "Love Me Again" by John Newman. Oh well. Give it time and I guess I'll be hating that song soon.

LOL.....Hockey

Canucks coach Tortorella, Flames have altercation

But why is there no video of this? I need to find a video of this.

ETA 2:19PM: Here we go:



I legitimately LOL'd watching this. My sides were hurting. I nearly lost it when two guys were facing off (about 3:08) and the one had his fists up in the air like BRING IT ON BRO!

Random Thoughts

Well a night I looked forward turned into a shit hole. My aunt's friend wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday so we decided this Saturday we would go. We get to my sister's about 4 to head over and had to wait 20 minutes while she finished getting ready. And hubby just stood there and stared as usual. And then he actually asked her "who's taking the baby out to the car?". She tells him that she'll make two trips. And then did so while he just stood there and stared. I don't know how she can stand being married to him. He's such a lazy bastard.

When we get to the CF, there is a two hour wait. We did actually wait two hours, too. We had a dumb waitress. She gave everyone at the table their drinks except my mom's and mine, then goes and waits on another table. Our drinks were still on the carrying tray. Then when my mom said something to her, she apparently kind of got an attitude (I missed that, though). Both my food and my grandmother's got screwed up. Then my sister decides to get a piece of cheesecake for dear hubby, but still includes that in the bill when dividing it up, so we all had to pay about an extra dollar for his piece of cheesecake. And I know damn well if the situation was reversed, she would have made sure that person solely paid for their cheesecake.

Then we decide to go to the Christmas Tree Shop and while I was helping my sister get stuff out of the trunk, I thought she was done and I turned and reached up to bring down the trunk door and I didn't realize she was still there and hit her pretty hard on the head with it. And of course she has to make you feel like real shit, because I didn't already feel like shit, even though it was an accident. I wish I'd just fucking stayed home.

On another note, I decided to try the spicy chicken sandwich again and while it was still not the least bit spicy, it was better than the first time I had it. I also finally tried the Dutch apple streusel cheesecake. It was pretty damn good. Not shockingly it looked nothing like the picture. The first half of the cheesecake was not even cheesecake, just a huge chunk of streusel.

On Friday night I posted something about my workout routine on a website and someone responded that one of the things I am doing isn't going to do anything. Now obviously I read into things too much, so naturally I got a bitch vibe from the comment and felt a little offended. Maybe the person is right, I don't know, but it took 60 pounds off of me and has kept it off for over 2 years. It has also toned up my arms. I am not going to argue with my regimen.

As I have repeatedly said before, I get annoyed with my coworkers and their bitching about things that happen at every workplace. Thursday was one of the first days I actually agreed with them. Now I know from working there before that our sister company is a bunch of bastards. And they'll NEVER admit that laying off people was a huge mistake. My manager has been out for over a week. On Thursday, her supervisor apparently called two lines in the office and no one picked up. The one line she called, the girl was out of office. The other line, the girl was probably in with the doctor. So she starts freaking out probably and calls our most senior employee, who is the stand in manager. She wants to know everyone's extension and what we were all doing at the moment. We've been getting work done this long without a manager, suddenly that day it was a big deal?

On Friday, I spent a good chunk of the day working on one damn report. It was 8 pages long when I left. It was so freaking difficult and I don't even know how I would have time to go over it with my manager when she comes back. But there is no way I can turn it in without checking. I want to cry. I'm so damn screwed. I don't know what to do. How will I approach her about this?

And I have to laugh whenever I ask my FWA what she would do with something, a lot of times she'll just look at it and say I don't know. Really? If you were summarizing this, you would have no idea what to do with this? And this is what I am supposed to rely on for help when I need it? You know, it's really sad how much she fucking annoys me. I know I am no classy beauty queen, but I just look at her, with her ratty hair, nose stud, tongue stud, multiple tattoos, the asinine trashy way she dresses, the forced belching and I think JFC you're going to be a mother? And then that voice! Not only it is screechy and high pitched, but apparently she still has not adjusted to the damn tongue stud and it makes her inflict things funny. I just want to scream every time I hear her talk. Which is ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME.

She's also one of those types always posting shit on Facebook about how she is all sweet and stuff, but mess with her and her inner bitch will come on. Why are so many women proud to be bitches? I know I am a bitch. I'm far from proud of it, though. I really hate my attitude.

Good god, my period needs to come. I feel like I am going to lose my damn mind.

FTS

The past few days, every time I get a little nervous, I get this mildly warm rush across my upper body that last maybe 20 seconds at the most. All I can think is HOT FLASH and early menopause. Also, I have  been unbearably exhausted the past few days despite sleeping great. It could be due to my impending monthly flow, although I am worried sick out of my mind that it isn't going to come and have already started poking and squeezing my breasts to see if they are sore. But I can't even concentrate in work. Or with anything. And my throat has felt sore. Right now I am opening Pandora's box by Googling hypothalamic dysfunction.

I'm never going to learn, am I? If digestive system cancer doesn't get to me first, this undiagnosed hypochondria is going to kill me one day. And by kill, I mean suicide.

The good thing is, I am going to the doctor's in two weeks so I can finally get some long overdue blood work. And watch, it will be like every other visit- I'll think of all of this shit I want to talk about and the minute the doctor walks in the room, I will get all self-conscious and nervous and everything I want to talk about suddenly seems too stupid to talk about. EVERY DAMN TIME.