Since I started with the whole spotting thing, every menstrual cycle, I have to worry about something. My period starts, I start worrying that fourteen days from now I will start spotting or that my period will start early. If neither happens, or I do spot and it ends, then I just worry my period will come early or not at all. If my period doesn't come by the expected date, I start worrying that it will not come. And if it comes, then the whole thing repeats.
And I did not need to add another medical condition to my list of worries. If it was replacing Addison's disease, then that would be a different story, although judging by my past history, it probably would have been something even more terrifying (to me)and I would be longing for the Addison's fear. I sit and think of how fearful of MS I was 7 years ago and how I would much rather be scared of having that than Addison's. But I did not need one that can be caused by the other.
And it isn't taking long for the compulsive side of things to start. I am hunting down the symptoms of premature menopause and starting to run through the list of what I may or may not have. In private or discreetly, I am feeling my breasts to see if there is any tenderness. I am constantly pulling the mirror off my wall and checking down below if I can see any signs of dryness, as well as a check for hyperpigmentation. I don't even know if you can see vaginal dryness.
This disease is fucking exhausting. I lie in bed every night with the above cycling through my head, in addition to all of these awful thoughts of terrible things happening to my loved ones. I have horrible awful thoughts of kidnappings, etc, almost bringing me to the point where I don't even want to leave the house because I am so terrified of something bad happening. I don't want my loved ones to leave the house for the same reason. I now cannot stop thinking about hurricanes and tornadoes. I want to hit myself repeatedly in the head and scream SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Picture Of The Day
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Twenty nine years-old and the sight of a sperm still makes me hoot with laughter.
Twenty nine years-old and the sight of a sperm still makes me hoot with laughter.
Random Thoughts
It's been quiet around here. I've been in a bad mood since I decided to go into the bathroom and force myself to throw up on Saturday night. I am very angry at myself for doing that. It was an enjoyable moment (what? it was an orgasmically good piece of cake!) and I ruined it. And I am still angry at myself for not originally ordering both t-shirts. Or just ordering the medium in the first place. It's funny because when I first tried to order it and was having problems with the site (due to Noscript), it kept putting a medium t-shirt in my cart, even though I selected a large. And now all I keep thinking is, see, it was trying to tell you to order a medium. Most people would do something stupid and brush it off. Not me. I have to dwell on it for hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. And sure, over time I might finally stop dwelling over it, but that doesn't mean it won't pop up sporadically down the line. Give it time. I'll get over it and 5 years from now I'll be laying in bed with a bad case of insomnia and it will pop up. It's fucking annoying.
On a side note, my medium shirt came in on Friday. Fits perfectly. And when I pulled it out of the package, the first thing I noticed was how much brighter the print was compared to the large. I thought maybe I was just seeing things, so I pulled the large out and put them side by side on my bed and sure enough, there was a noticeable difference.
And you know what else is fucking annoying? Not knowing what is wrong with your body. My period just ended two days ago and I already have my nerves in a tizzy over whether next Wednesday I will start spotting. I haven't felt good the past few days, and had a few instances of feeling light-headed upon standing, so I have been upset about that. I had trouble with my blood pressure cuff earlier and when it finally popped up, it came up 98/58. That didn't help matters. But I am starting to wonder if the days I have a very heavy salt intake is when I happen to see this happen more. Just a theory I need to test one day. I could be wrong, who knows. All I know is apparently too much salt can cause lower aldosterone levels.
And the king of all fucking annoying things right now is how every day, all day it is nonstop talk about my sister's parents-in-law. My household is literally unable to discuss anything else. I am so beyond tired of hearing about it. The only thing I give credit to my sister for is that she is at least able to discuss her problems. I have the bad habit of not doing so. I bottle up all my problems and make myself sick. I have had myself sick worrying that I have Addison's disease for over a year and a half. So roughly an estimated 500 plus days or so of doing so. Do you know how many days I have actually said it out loud to someone? Four or five days, maybe. The rest of the time I kept it to myself. Or discussed it on here. That's it. But it's there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
But back to the in-laws, the whole situation is just ridiculous. It's kind of bullshit how much my sister having a baby affects everything in our lives. Having a baby changes everything, yes, but it shouldn't have to affect our lives either. My parents did their time as parents. I am choosing not to spend my time as a parent. Yet a baby is still affecting our lives. Like what the fuck?! I don't know any family who has been so affected by someone in the family having a baby.
Globviously my sister does not care for her in-laws. I had to laugh, though, the other day when my mom said to me that she doesn't understand how my sister can dislike her in-laws so much, but still love her husband.....since he acts just like them. Which he does. He's annoyingly impatient like his father. When we are somewhere and he wants to leave, he wants to leave yesterday. He gets annoyed when people are around for too long, probably due to the fact that he more than likely never had company growing up since his parents basically alienated everyone out of their lives. He stares at people like his mother does.
And then the boy just has no fucking manners whatsoever. The whole playing on his phone thing, I have discussed many times. His birthday was not too long ago and even though he refuses to celebrate, we still have to give him stuff. Which I disagree with. If he doesn't want to celebrate it because it is not important, I am sorry, why should I have to give him anything? None of us has gotten one thank you for any of his gifts. It just galls me to death.
Speaking of babies, did anyone hear about that 15+ pound baby delivered vaginally? My entire reproductive system practically burst into tears at the thoughts of that.
On a side note, my medium shirt came in on Friday. Fits perfectly. And when I pulled it out of the package, the first thing I noticed was how much brighter the print was compared to the large. I thought maybe I was just seeing things, so I pulled the large out and put them side by side on my bed and sure enough, there was a noticeable difference.
And you know what else is fucking annoying? Not knowing what is wrong with your body. My period just ended two days ago and I already have my nerves in a tizzy over whether next Wednesday I will start spotting. I haven't felt good the past few days, and had a few instances of feeling light-headed upon standing, so I have been upset about that. I had trouble with my blood pressure cuff earlier and when it finally popped up, it came up 98/58. That didn't help matters. But I am starting to wonder if the days I have a very heavy salt intake is when I happen to see this happen more. Just a theory I need to test one day. I could be wrong, who knows. All I know is apparently too much salt can cause lower aldosterone levels.
And the king of all fucking annoying things right now is how every day, all day it is nonstop talk about my sister's parents-in-law. My household is literally unable to discuss anything else. I am so beyond tired of hearing about it. The only thing I give credit to my sister for is that she is at least able to discuss her problems. I have the bad habit of not doing so. I bottle up all my problems and make myself sick. I have had myself sick worrying that I have Addison's disease for over a year and a half. So roughly an estimated 500 plus days or so of doing so. Do you know how many days I have actually said it out loud to someone? Four or five days, maybe. The rest of the time I kept it to myself. Or discussed it on here. That's it. But it's there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
But back to the in-laws, the whole situation is just ridiculous. It's kind of bullshit how much my sister having a baby affects everything in our lives. Having a baby changes everything, yes, but it shouldn't have to affect our lives either. My parents did their time as parents. I am choosing not to spend my time as a parent. Yet a baby is still affecting our lives. Like what the fuck?! I don't know any family who has been so affected by someone in the family having a baby.
Globviously my sister does not care for her in-laws. I had to laugh, though, the other day when my mom said to me that she doesn't understand how my sister can dislike her in-laws so much, but still love her husband.....since he acts just like them. Which he does. He's annoyingly impatient like his father. When we are somewhere and he wants to leave, he wants to leave yesterday. He gets annoyed when people are around for too long, probably due to the fact that he more than likely never had company growing up since his parents basically alienated everyone out of their lives. He stares at people like his mother does.
And then the boy just has no fucking manners whatsoever. The whole playing on his phone thing, I have discussed many times. His birthday was not too long ago and even though he refuses to celebrate, we still have to give him stuff. Which I disagree with. If he doesn't want to celebrate it because it is not important, I am sorry, why should I have to give him anything? None of us has gotten one thank you for any of his gifts. It just galls me to death.
Speaking of babies, did anyone hear about that 15+ pound baby delivered vaginally? My entire reproductive system practically burst into tears at the thoughts of that.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The WTF Of The Day
North Dakota Abortion Ban Signed By Governor Jack Dalrymple
"Terrifying" does not even begin to describe this. Wow.
"Terrifying" does not even begin to describe this. Wow.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The Awesome Of The Day
BEHOLD
This delicious beauty is currently sitting in my stomach. And I am trying to do everything in my power to not go in to my bathroom and throw it up.
10:12PM: I gave in. And now I can't stop crying because I am so mad at myself.
This delicious beauty is currently sitting in my stomach. And I am trying to do everything in my power to not go in to my bathroom and throw it up.
10:12PM: I gave in. And now I can't stop crying because I am so mad at myself.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Damn Hormones
This insomnia needs to resolve itself soon, because it's really starting to irritate me. I am tired of having to deal with 2+ hours every morning of running through everything wrong with my life. Or like this morning, 2+ hours of thinking about how it is spring and pretty soon severe weather is going to start rearing its ugly head and there is absolutely no way in hell my house would ever stand up to a tornado and I wish we would move, but then I am terrified to move somewhere else where something else could go wrong. And now I have my period on top of the insomnia, so now I am extra exhausted and extra cranky. Oh, and my right eye has been twitching since I woke up and it's affecting my vision so I can't even read right.
I ordered a new t-shirt on Monday. I had a code for an extra 25% off. Today, I open my mail and find an email for an extra 30% off. Yes, it's only an extra $1.25 off, but I still threw a fit. I am already paying more for it than I wanted to, so I wouldn't have minded that extra discount.
My sister is here and she is ranting and raving about her mother-in-law. Every goddamn topic of discussion in this house is either about the baby (which that is okay, but when you think how long a day is, there are still plenty of other things to discuss) or her fucking bitch of a mother-in-law. It's like nothing else can be discussed anymore. We're supposed to go out tomorrow night and I am really contemplating staying home, because I know the entire night will be bitching about her.
I went to Cracker Barrel last night and it was one of the first times I did not care for it. And if there is one thing that grinds my gears, it's going to eat at a restaurant that I normally enjoy and having to pay for food I did not enjoy. My broccoli cheddar chicken barely had any crackers on top, the broccoli was hard, and there was a fat piece of gristle on the chicken. Fries were overcooked. The biscuits and cornbread were good, though. I finally decided to try the sugar-free apple pie and at first I was kind of meh on it, but as I ate more of it, I started to enjoy it. The pie just needed to be a little more cooked. Their sugar-free ice cream is definitely better than their regular. Cracker Barrel does not really have that good of ice cream. Too bad they never did get the pineapple upside down cake in again. That was so good!
I ordered a new t-shirt on Monday. I had a code for an extra 25% off. Today, I open my mail and find an email for an extra 30% off. Yes, it's only an extra $1.25 off, but I still threw a fit. I am already paying more for it than I wanted to, so I wouldn't have minded that extra discount.
My sister is here and she is ranting and raving about her mother-in-law. Every goddamn topic of discussion in this house is either about the baby (which that is okay, but when you think how long a day is, there are still plenty of other things to discuss) or her fucking bitch of a mother-in-law. It's like nothing else can be discussed anymore. We're supposed to go out tomorrow night and I am really contemplating staying home, because I know the entire night will be bitching about her.
I went to Cracker Barrel last night and it was one of the first times I did not care for it. And if there is one thing that grinds my gears, it's going to eat at a restaurant that I normally enjoy and having to pay for food I did not enjoy. My broccoli cheddar chicken barely had any crackers on top, the broccoli was hard, and there was a fat piece of gristle on the chicken. Fries were overcooked. The biscuits and cornbread were good, though. I finally decided to try the sugar-free apple pie and at first I was kind of meh on it, but as I ate more of it, I started to enjoy it. The pie just needed to be a little more cooked. Their sugar-free ice cream is definitely better than their regular. Cracker Barrel does not really have that good of ice cream. Too bad they never did get the pineapple upside down cake in again. That was so good!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The WTF Of The Day
One Direction Fans Tweet Death Threats To This Adorable Puppy
Seriously? That is embarrassing. It's a puppy! An adorable squee puppy! Where are these brat's parents? When I say I hate tween girls, I mean it. I don't care if I was one once, I hate them with the passion of a billion fiery suns. They are the worst.
I read some story over the weekend that Olivia Wilde is getting threats over telling Justin Bieber to put his shirt on. Some of those threats involved acid. Where do these little sociopaths even get these ideas? I'll never forget someone threatening acid to the face over people wanting to hear "Kids" at Musikfest. I was appalled at the thought, and appalled that horrible little sociopaths like that even exist in the MGMT fandom. But more on that in a little bit. I don't care if it's a joke- IT'S NOT FUNNY. And since the parents of these little cretins have their heads too far up their own asses to parent, why do the celebrities themselves not put their feet down? Why doesn't Justin Bieber or 1D tell their fans on Twitter to knock it off? Oh wait. It would probably be some kind of conspiracy. They didn't really write it! It was #management!
And again, I am absolutely appalled that these little monsters actually exist in the MGMT fandom. I need to find the ONTD article where someone mentioned about Andrew's girlfriend getting hate....and here is the link (grrr, the tween girl inside of me wants to hate her, but damn, his girlfriend is so cute). I am almost curious to know what people were saying, but it probably would just annoy me. And now that I think about it, back when that Facebook page existed that I thought might have actually have been Andrew's (but was not), there had been a picture of him with a girl at some music festival and the comment section was exploding with nasty comments towards the girl. And she was not even his girlfriend! I have only seen a little bit of this, but I can just imagine the stupid asinine shit spewed all over the internet by girls who would never be old enough to date Andrew. Even by his standards. GTFO.
Seriously? That is embarrassing. It's a puppy! An adorable squee puppy! Where are these brat's parents? When I say I hate tween girls, I mean it. I don't care if I was one once, I hate them with the passion of a billion fiery suns. They are the worst.
I read some story over the weekend that Olivia Wilde is getting threats over telling Justin Bieber to put his shirt on. Some of those threats involved acid. Where do these little sociopaths even get these ideas? I'll never forget someone threatening acid to the face over people wanting to hear "Kids" at Musikfest. I was appalled at the thought, and appalled that horrible little sociopaths like that even exist in the MGMT fandom. But more on that in a little bit. I don't care if it's a joke- IT'S NOT FUNNY. And since the parents of these little cretins have their heads too far up their own asses to parent, why do the celebrities themselves not put their feet down? Why doesn't Justin Bieber or 1D tell their fans on Twitter to knock it off? Oh wait. It would probably be some kind of conspiracy. They didn't really write it! It was #management!
And again, I am absolutely appalled that these little monsters actually exist in the MGMT fandom. I need to find the ONTD article where someone mentioned about Andrew's girlfriend getting hate....and here is the link (grrr, the tween girl inside of me wants to hate her, but damn, his girlfriend is so cute). I am almost curious to know what people were saying, but it probably would just annoy me. And now that I think about it, back when that Facebook page existed that I thought might have actually have been Andrew's (but was not), there had been a picture of him with a girl at some music festival and the comment section was exploding with nasty comments towards the girl. And she was not even his girlfriend! I have only seen a little bit of this, but I can just imagine the stupid asinine shit spewed all over the internet by girls who would never be old enough to date Andrew. Even by his standards. GTFO.
Random Thoughts
I have been having the absolute worst insomnia the past few days. I have no idea if it has anything to do with my impending period (I hope), but it's annoying no matter what is causing it. Every morning around 6AM, I wake up. And cannot fall back asleep until after 9AM or so. And without fail, my brain takes advantage of the situation and proceeds to run through every single damn thing I have done wrong in my life and mentally berate me. And then I get very agitated. I have also been having some pretty strange dreams.
So I finally decided to order the medium t-shirt and send back the other one. I am pretty pissed at how much money I am going to lose out of this. Really, really annoyed. I wish I would have thought to just order both sizes at the same time and save myself $4 in shipping. Dammit, I am such an idiot. I took a shitty picture in the mirror of myself in shirt:
What say you? A little too big? And yes, I am half in my pajamas. I'm not that big of a slob. Also, I hate "camera in the mirror" pictures, but it was the only way I could get a picture.
Speaking of dreams and this shirt, I had a dream one night that I went to Kohl's and they sold the shirt and it was on sale that day for $0.10....if you could identify a song in some store contest. I figured what the hell I know most of their songs.....yet I couldn't identify it when the employees played it for me. I was horrified- in the dream and when I woke up. I am pretty sure the song in the contest was "Song for Dan Treacy". Why I did not know that in the dream is unacceptable!
I was at Wal-Fart a couple weeks ago and I needed to pick up face wash. I have been using the Oxy sensitive skin with 5% benzoyl peroxide for a little over a year and while it's no miracle worker, it has kept my face somewhat clearer. Well, apparently Oxy no longer makes it. And 10% benzoyl peroxide is just too strong. I figured I'd give Acnefree facial cleanser a try, but not really seeing any difference. Not to mention benzoyl peroxide is a real pain in the ass because no matter how much you try to make sure you rinse every bit of it off, it still bleaches everything!
So I finally decided to order the medium t-shirt and send back the other one. I am pretty pissed at how much money I am going to lose out of this. Really, really annoyed. I wish I would have thought to just order both sizes at the same time and save myself $4 in shipping. Dammit, I am such an idiot. I took a shitty picture in the mirror of myself in shirt:
What say you? A little too big? And yes, I am half in my pajamas. I'm not that big of a slob. Also, I hate "camera in the mirror" pictures, but it was the only way I could get a picture.
Speaking of dreams and this shirt, I had a dream one night that I went to Kohl's and they sold the shirt and it was on sale that day for $0.10....if you could identify a song in some store contest. I figured what the hell I know most of their songs.....yet I couldn't identify it when the employees played it for me. I was horrified- in the dream and when I woke up. I am pretty sure the song in the contest was "Song for Dan Treacy". Why I did not know that in the dream is unacceptable!
I was at Wal-Fart a couple weeks ago and I needed to pick up face wash. I have been using the Oxy sensitive skin with 5% benzoyl peroxide for a little over a year and while it's no miracle worker, it has kept my face somewhat clearer. Well, apparently Oxy no longer makes it. And 10% benzoyl peroxide is just too strong. I figured I'd give Acnefree facial cleanser a try, but not really seeing any difference. Not to mention benzoyl peroxide is a real pain in the ass because no matter how much you try to make sure you rinse every bit of it off, it still bleaches everything!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Quote Of The Day
Since I am watching "Insane in the Mainframe" right now and this part made me laugh:
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]
Roberto: Back off! I got hostages!
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!
Smitty: [on megaphone] Do you have any better hostages?
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