Evidently, my question on whether to continue or move on from worrying about my foot is clear (continue worrying about it). I felt better and it felt better since I got the results of my x-ray and then over the weekend it started bothering me again. I have been worrying nonstop about it and it feels so uncomfortable (almost like a irritated burning discomfort that only comes when I am, strangely enough, resting) and I don't know whether it is true discomfort or at this point, psychosomatic pain. Either way, it is making me sick to my stomach every time I think about it, which is basically all day long, so I am nauseous from the time I wake up until I go to bed.
This has just been a hell of a week. I had such an upsetting day at work on Monday and I know I have said it before, but this was seriously the closest I ever came to walking out. My boss spoke so horribly to me, reaming me out for doing something that she has told me MULTIPLE TIMES to do. For once, my WA was beneficial, because she was there to back me up on what I was getting in trouble for. I was so upset and shaking so bad, I felt like I was going to burst. I went back to my desk and did nothing for 10 minutes because I had basically shut down mentally at that point.
There have been so many days where I just get so overwhelmed, I have to lay my head down or lay on my bed or on the floor and just not do anything. I am so stressed, really not over anything of significance, but just a bunch of small things. I just want to cry all the time. I have been sleeping pretty much every day I come home from work on the days I don't exercise (it's a long story; I have this fear that sleeping will slow down my revved up metabolism). I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. My whole body hurts from head to toe. My shoulders and neck tingle, which is a very uncomfortable and annoying feeling. I am so fucking depressed and it all started when this crap with my foot started. I became less active when it started, for fear of doing harm, which in turn is making me cranky and depressed because I like to be very active.
Oh boy and am I cranky! My patience is just about nonexistant. Every little thing is annoying me. Every time my father talks to me, I want to scream. My mother keeps talking excessively about the damn Casey Anthony trial. I am not even in the door five minutes after work, and if it's not my father bothering me, it's my mother going on about the goddamn case. I don't fucking care! And every night at dinner, my father has to walk by and rub my shoulder, or he will come in my bedroom and talk to me and rub my back and I just want to scream "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!". I fucking HATE when people touch me for no goddamn reason.
I don't know what else to do. And the foot worry is severely exacerbating my stress over That Thing. I am so stressed I feel like I am very close to breaking down. I can't get my mind to shut off for nothing. It feels like someone put my mind on overdrive and there is no way to stop it.
There have been many times where my stress over That Thing is driving me to the brink of contemplating suicide. I can't deal with wanting this so bad and more than likely never getting it and I can't deal with the shame of it. And one day I was thinking if I were to ever get to the point where I would actually commit suicide over it, and how if my mother were to find out about it, how she would still prefer to have me on Earth even knowing her daughter has such a sick twisted desire, rather than to never see me again. And it was like a punch in the stomach. It made me physically ill to come to that realization. But it still is not enough to admit it to her.
There was a Philadelphia firefighter who recently got in trouble for posing topless for a calendar that benefits widows. A whole big turmoil resulted and his job was affected. I think he eventually got his job back. Well, last weekend, he was found dead of suicide. I was reading an article in the Daily News about him and I just filled up. I just looked at the picture of him and wished I could open my arms, give him a hug, and take away all of his emotional and mental hurting.
So....yeah, in the last RT entry, that last part....I can't even begin to describe how much guts it took for me to admit to that. It took a lot for me to hit the Publish Post button and even after that, I contemplated going back and deleting it. And like I said, it's not something I am ashamed of- far from it- it's just something I prefer to not really admit it. I don't know, I can't describe it. I guess I have this fear that people are going to get the wrong idea. What the wrong idea could be is beyond me, but still. I also don't feel like being subjected to any psychobabble analyses.
The Crap We Missed – Thursday 6.30.11 - Photos – The Superficial - Because You're Ugly
Oh for fuck's sake. Mike, just come out of the freaking closet already.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The WTF Of The Day
Men's Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2012: The 21 Zaniest Looks (PHOTOS)
What the.....bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!
What the.....bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
An Angry Letter To Futurama
Dear Futurama:
You are my favorite show in the entire world right now. I love everything about you - the characters, the SMART humor, etc. I quote you on a daily basis. However, after Thursday's premiere episodes, I fear the time has come to end our relationship. Oh, I will still watch the old episodes, all of my boxed sets with the old episodes, and the movies. But no longer will I watch the new episodes. It is not me, it is you. A smart show like you, doing such an offense....
MENTIONING THE KARDASHIANS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Completely unforgivable. My faith in humanity has been shot.
Sincerely,
A very angry fan
You are my favorite show in the entire world right now. I love everything about you - the characters, the SMART humor, etc. I quote you on a daily basis. However, after Thursday's premiere episodes, I fear the time has come to end our relationship. Oh, I will still watch the old episodes, all of my boxed sets with the old episodes, and the movies. But no longer will I watch the new episodes. It is not me, it is you. A smart show like you, doing such an offense....
MENTIONING THE KARDASHIANS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Completely unforgivable. My faith in humanity has been shot.
Sincerely,
A very angry fan
Quote Of The Day
From Men In Tights, a line that makes me laugh my ass off every time I hear it:
Filthy Luca: I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand and put them in my pocket
Friday, June 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
It's Friday and I'm doing what I always do- having a date with Moe, Larry, and Curly; then a date with Moe, Larry, and Shemp; then the former again, then the latter, and so on for 3 hours.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Quote Of The Day
Since I just watched the part and laughed, from Into The Wild Green Yonder:
Leela: Put your hands in the air!
[The crowd gasps and obliges.]
Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care?
Leela: That's optional!
An Extremely Angry Letter To The California Legal System
Dear California Legal System:
PLEASE SEND LINDSAY LOHAN TO JAIL BEFORE I LOSE MY FREAKING MIND
Sincerely,
A Very Disgruntled American Citizen
PLEASE SEND LINDSAY LOHAN TO JAIL BEFORE I LOSE MY FREAKING MIND
Sincerely,
A Very Disgruntled American Citizen
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Random Thoughts
Ugh I can't believe tomorrow is only Wednesday. Get here quickly, weekend!
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
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