Song Of The Day

I can't believe it's already been almost three years since I first heard this song (no, I don't know it from 13 Reasons Why, I never watched it):

Random Thoughts

I'm already beyond tired of being furloughed. I can't stand not having work to distract me. I still have no idea if my unemployment has been approved so I can start claiming benefits. I also know of at least a few people who were not furloughed, one being none other than my FWA. Because of course she wasn't. She's a defiant little brat yet somehow always manages to come out on top. It's so damn infuriating.

All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.

On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.

And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.

Random Thoughts

Like I'm sure many others are, I'm Covid-exhausted. I'm tired of hearing about it on the TV, seeing it on the internet, talking about it, worrying about it. God, just go away already.

I'm also sick of celebrities. Yes, the general population so needs lessons on how to stay home from overpaid egotistical assholes with 10,000 square feet mansions. Take several seats and STFU.

Sorry, I'm PMSing and I'm beyond exhausted from worrying so much and having distressing thoughts. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to implode.

Fucking Hell

I know I've been assured that my job is going to be there for me when this is all over, but I still can't help but feel salty over being furloughed. Especially wondering who was NOT furloughed. 

I watch Litton's Weekend Adventure every weekend and at one point, a news brief broke in with Governor Murphy announcing the latest Covid-19 rate (34,124), as well as 200 new deaths. And then he started to read some of the names of the deceased and I started to cry so hard. I just felt so bad. All completely unnecessary deaths. I don't doubt that Covid would have came to the country regardless, but it should have been handled a hell of a lot better than how that evil incompetent piece of shit in office handled it.

I've hated Chump since the day he was sworn into office, but I don't think I could possibly hate someone more than I hate him right now. Except maybe that little shit Jared. Stupid little fucking prick. I hope the entire family rots in the deepest levels of hell. The only person I feel [slightly] sorry for is Barron, poor kid is surrounded by nothing but piss-poor male role models.

Good God

Day one of furlough- already ready to lose my mind. It's hard to have nothing to do. I read all of my library books and unfortunately didn't get a chance to get there again to stock up before it was closed. There's only so many times I can clean the house or my car or anyone else's cars. I could be watching movies (been wanting to watch "KITH: Brain Candy"), but I'm so anxious and restless, I have a hard time sitting and watching anything. So what do I do? Go on the internet. And read Covid-related headline after headline. In between taking my temperature 5,387 times a day.

I keep saying I can't wait for this to be over, which I truly can't, but I strongly believe even when it's over, my anxiety/OCD levels are not going to diminish. I can't deny going out in public and being around people wasn't a bit of a problem before Covid-19 ever was even a term, but I don't think I'm ever going to feel comfortable being out in public and around people for a very long time, if ever.

Lord knows I've had many experiences with bad anxiety/OCD, notably my fear of having MS being so bad it was making me suicidal, eventually leading to a week-long stay in a psychiatric facility. I would say my anxiety/OCD levels are about par with that; however, what makes this infinitely worse is it doesn't just affect me. Being fearful of having MS, it was just worrying about me having it. I didn't have to worry about having it and spreading to others, potentially risking their lives. And I can't deny that there are days my fears of having Covid and spreading it to others become so unbearable that I just want to get into my car and floor it into a wall.

Random Thoughts

I found out today I am being temporarily furloughed. I will be brought back at some point, but obviously with all that is going on, there is no known date. I can't say I'm terribly upset (at least I qualify for unemployment and before anyone wants to slam unemployment, I am going to be paying 10% taxes on my unemployment earnings, as I did last time I collected unemployment), but at the same time I'm irked, mostly because I can't help but wonder....everyone who was on the call today, are we the only ones being furloughed? Because so help me god, if I find out my FWA is still being kept on, I'm going to bloody scream.

And the worst part is, working helped to get my mind off the pandemic somewhat. It kept me from reading article after article, or doing anything else related, and now I will no longer have that distraction. My anxiety, OCD, and health anxiety levels are going to flare up so bad. 

Every single day our Covid-19 count in NJ just jumps higher and higher. I know we're densely populated, but JFC for such a stupid little state to have so many damn cases is ridiculous.

Last night around 8, I took my temperature and it was 99. That was all I needed to see. I burst into tears and though I didn't have a full panic attack, I was hyperventilating pretty bad. It did go down later on, and because of that, I've taken my temperature a total of 13 times so far today. It's been in the normal range (but still higher than typical), although it was 99.1 at around 8, nearly leading to the same reaction.

Random Thoughts

So I have finally been moved to work from home. Today was my first day. I was also forced to take two days off due to lack of work. A lack of work yet somehow we are still considered "essential". Sure. Essential to the executives who need another home or luxury vehicle.

Having GAD/OCD/health anxiety during this Covid-19 pandemic is like the 9th layer of hell. I'm about one foot in the grave, one foot on a banana peel away from a complete nervous breakdown. I can't stand thinking of how much contamination there is. I'm still taking my temperature multiple times; I've taken it 7 times today, which is a slight improvement compared to some days, but still...come on, what normal person does that?

Every slight ill feeling automatically equates to Covid-19. Every headache, every bit of nausea, every throat tickle, etc. And even though my stomach has felt better, I am still feeling that tight heavy feeling in my chest and feeling like I constantly have to take a deep breath, which makes me more anxious about Covid, the rise in anxiety makes the feelings worse, and it's a never-ending cycle that feeds into each other. Every time one of my parents coughs or anything, I start getting more anxious.

This whole Covid-19 situation is gear-grinding, but these asshats that are continuing to defy the lockdowns are really to piss me the hell off. What in the love of all that is holy is so goddamn difficult to understand about STAYING THE HOME?! YOU might not care if you get it, but this isn't about you! This is a HIGHLY contagious disease, this is about everyone else you can infect! This could be your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, healthcare workers, a cancer patient or other immunocompromised person, first responders, grocery store workers, restaurant workers, and anyone else you might come into contact with.

JFC JUST STAY THE FUCK HOME!

Song Of The Day

I only know this song and "Cautionary Tale", but dude's got some catchy stuff:

Good God

My anxiety/OCD levels over this Covid 19 shit is getting to the point that I myself am actually starting to get concerned over my own well-being. More than once I have contemplated harming myself. More than once I have asked myself, do I need to seriously consider admitting myself to the hospital? Then it occurs to me how much Covid could be lurking in a hospital and I start freaking out over the realization that there really is NO safe place whatsoever for me to go. 

I've had headaches all week, and today my throat and chest feel ticklish and like I need to cough but none ever comes. I've been such a mess all day over this. I don't know if it's anxiety or reflux or worst case scenario Covid, but my anxiety levels certainly aren't helping matters. Yesterday, I can't even begin to tell you how much times I took my temperature. I lost count. I'd say it was at least almost every hour. Today I had to fight the compulsion to do it, but it was still numerous times. My temperature has been fine, but of course there is that little niggling thought in the back of my head- is my thermometer working properly?

I don't think that the fact that cases in my state have literally EXPLODED in the past few days has helped matters by any means. Not to mention 3 cases have officially hit my town. The sole fact of me getting it doesn't terrify me nearly as much as the fact of me getting it and spreading it to a loved one. If I got it and spread it to a loved one, I would never be able to forgive myself.

OCD In The Time Of Covid-19

It's extremely difficult, but I'm doing everything in my power to keep it together.  It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and plenty of people are with me in being scared, but for those of us with any type of mental illness, it's unbearable. A month ago, worrying that I had H. pylori and/or peptic ulcers....that pales in comparison to this. I honestly would take it over worrying about Covid-19.

Every time I feel a little less than stellar, I'm on high alert. My throat has been tickling me for the past few days and I'm panicking over it. Any body ache, nausea, fatigue etc is an invitation to meltdown time. I'm constantly taking my temperature. I was in work earlier and I felt crappy and all I kept thinking was I need to take my temperature. Except I had no thermometer. I had to do everything in my power to keep from having a complete and utter meltdown. Washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping....and it's just NEVER enough to give me somewhat of a peace of mind. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right?

It's all so fucking exhausting. The only thing I have no complaint about this all is the whole social distancing thing. It's a blessing and a half when you're socially anxious weirdo.