And Here We Go Again

Really?

So much for the early menopause fear being dead and buried forever.

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.

Uh....Winter?

It's February. It's currently 62 degrees out. And we're under a tornado watch until 11PM.

Dafuq is this shit?

Random Thoughts

Boy have I been moody and emotional the past few days. Not sure if it's hormones or what.

My parents came home from the wedding last night and for at least an hour plus, I had to listen to my mother go on and on and on and on about it. I nearly bit my tongue off from biting it so hard to keep from screaming I DON'T CARE I DON'T FUCKING CARE! 

Good thing I wasn't feeling up to doing much anyway. All I ended up doing was going to Popeye's for dinner (ate there by myself and everything- stickers for me!), running to the market, and then planting my ass on the couch and reading the rest of the night.

Words cannot describe how much it annoys me that I am actually letting it bother me that I wasn't invited.

When I was going through my Facebook newsfeed earlier, I saw an article posted by Cracked that referenced "vaping". And several comments were made about how douchey it is. It is douchey. All my coworkers walk around with their stupid little vaping pens, smoking them in the office. I can't tell you how bad I want to take their pens and shove them up where the sun don't shine.

I don't get the point of "vaping" constantly and then going out for several smoke breaks. Isn't the whole point of e-cigs to cut down on smoking or something? I also don't understand why my coworkers think it's okay to smoke them in the office. Take your nasty little habit outside. You might not care about getting cancer but I fucking do.

Random Thoughts

Holy crap, a post two days in a row! To what do we owe this honor?

It's been almost a year since I started taking Prozac. I have noticed somewhat of a positive response to it, but I have also noticed a few negatives. One, I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to have an orgasm or tried to have one. I think one woke me up in the middle of the night a month or so ago, but that's about the last one I remember. And two, I can't even remember the last time I actually genuinely laughed at something. It's not that I have lost my sense of humor, I still find things funny, but I just find that I no longer can actually laugh at anything.

I'm still taking it five days a week and keep contemplating adding another day, but every time I go to do so, I chicken out that if I start to take more of it, I'll gain weight.

And because I don't dislike work enough, now I loathe even more. Last year, a middle-aged lady was hired to work out of our office as a medical assistant for doctors for our sister company that travel to our area. She was originally part time, but a few months ago she was hired full time. And I've hated work even more since she started full time. I've talked about her before- she never fucking shuts up. She'll start talking and talking and talking and talking and jump from one topic to the next. She's completely overwhelming to talk to because she just completely hijacks every goddamn conversation. I almost have full blown anxiety attacks whenever she corners me and talks to me. That's another thing- she corners you and gets within a few inches of you when she talks to you. And that is a big no-no for someone who has intense personal space issues.

Between her excessive talking and constant up and down, I'd almost swear she has some kind of hyperactivity disorder. I've never seen someone get up and fly around an office so much so quickly as she does. She'll leave food and drinks on our break room table and then sit at her desk and get up every so often to go eat or drink whatever she has on the table. I don't understand the purpose of that. Just eat at your fucking desk like a normal person.

She also never listens. There are things she has asked me multiple times and I've given her answers, as well as my coworkers, and then she'll stand there and say no one ever told her that. She's like talking to a fucking wall. And it's always she has a quick question. Nothing is ever quick with her. She always has to go on this long ramble before she finally semi gets to the question. And I say semi because her questions never make any sense so you never really know what she's asking. And every single time, without fail, as soon as she gets an answer, it's always followed by "that's what I thought" or "that's what I was going to do". WAT

But the thing that annoys me the most about her is she is everywhere I goddamn turn. No matter time what I pull up to work, it's almost guaranteed she'll be not far behind. She takes a break the same time I do. Or the same time I used to, seeing as I no longer really take breaks. Oh and now all of a sudden she takes lunch the same time I do. She literally clocks out almost the same time I do. No matter where I go, she is there. I'm starting to feel like I have a fucking stalker.

Random Thoughts

All of that snow we had is almost completely gone. Woo hoo! That was one hell of a blizzard. Thankfully we didn't end up losing any power and I spent most of Saturday watching movies (finally got to sit down and watch Brain Candy again. God do I love that movie). I ended up spending most of that Sunday shoveling. Burned almost 500 calories in doing so. Later on my right shoulder was hurting and I started to worry that I might have tore something, but I was okay in moving it around and everything. Seems to be okay now.

There's talk of another possible storm next week. Hopefully it will stay off the coast.

I just started showing signs of ovulation the other day. More than 4 weeks after the first day of my last period. Which makes me suspect my period is going to come after 40 days again. I don't know what has knocked it out of whack, but it's starting to make me feel really anxious. And tempting thoughts of premature menopause to come back into my brain.

Saturday is my fat bitchy cousin's wedding. Of course it's going to be a beautiful day. And of course my sister and I are not invited. Supposedly because we're only second cousins, but I beg to differ. I don't like that bitch and would rather not have anything to do with her, but I still can't help feeling stung at not being invited (which is pissing me off to no end that I am allowing it to bother me so bad). I've been treated like shit by my second cousins since I was a little kid and I've never done a damn thing to those people to be treated the way I have. Nothing whatsoever. And frankly, my tolerance for being treated like a pariah by them is wearing thin. Very thin.

Random Thoughts

So this actually happened. Just stuck a yard stick out on our deck....21 inches of snow! It's cold and blustery and just all around miserable. The shore areas are getting insane flooding, some areas apparently worse than when Sandy hit.

I'm Ready! (Maybe)

So the weekend is finally almost here and it looks like I won't be doing anything, because "Winter Storm Jonas" is coming to town. And I'm in the zone expected to get anywhere from 12-18 inches. I'm ready in some sense. We have food, I have plenty of diet Coke, I have a hunk of carrot cake in the freezer. But I'm starting to feel panicky at the thought of being in and not being able to get out. I'm also starting to feel panicky at the thought of the power going out.

But on the plus side, at least it's happening when I don't have to worry about driving into work.

WTH

Yesterday it occurred to me that it was 10 years to the day since I was hospitalized (when you're someone like me, you don't forget the day you were forced to "voluntarily" commit yourself to a psychiatric hospital, especially when said day is none other than Friday the 13th). Ten years! It's been an entire freaking decade! How is that even possible? It still feels like it was just yesterday.

It still feels like yesterday that I made the terrible decision to quit Effexor cold turkey. Oh I thought I would be fine, that I'd be able to handle it. No, instead I sent myself into a deep terrible place complete with  godawful side effects that I still to this day don't know how I managed to get through without attempting suicide. And dropping my anatomy lab despite having an A average because I had myself so terrified I'd fail. Or going on Wellbutrin and feeling okay for a little bit and then doing a complete 180 and having myself convinced that I had MS and I couldn't shake the thought that I just wanted to lock myself in a running car and asphyxiate myself on CO.

Ugh. I wish there was a way to physically delete these memories out of my brain.

On another note, I really want a brownie sundae right now.

Random Thoughts

So it appears my period is finally coming. It's only about a week late. Thank God this didn't happen back during when I was freaking out and thinking I was going through early menopause or I probably would have ended up in the nuthouse.

I'm starting to see more and more holiday things disappearing and I am feeling the post-holiday blues more and more and the dread of long cold winter days and nights. 

And now it's that time of the year where it's just weeks and weeks of work and no holiday until Memorial Day weekend, minus any PTO I might take. I don't understand why we get no holidays whatsoever until then. At least give us Good Friday or something.

So I go back to work this past Tuesday and find out that the holiday party was actually that day. I swore it was on Wednesday, but when I pulled up my email, sure enough it was scheduled for the 29th. I felt like such an asshat. I was the only one who didn't participate in the Pollyanna thing, although judging by the gifts some people bought, I certainly didn't miss out on anything.

I'm so over the people in that place. It's not a good sign when you'd rather be nailed by an 18-wheeler than have to look at those people every day.