Quote Of The Day

In honor of Mother's Day, but I couldn't choose just one, so here is the whole damn transcript:

Transcript:Mother's Day

Random Thoughts

Well, Friday ended up not being too terrible. I think there were still about 10 charts not completed when I left, but hopefully some of them should be taken care of today. I had other jobs to do that day, though, so I didn't get to do as much as I could have. Not that I would have done much anyway. I fucking suck at my job. And I am starting to suck at all the rest of them as well. One of my main problems is I just cannot concentrate for anything. I get distracted easily, I can read something and not absorb one iota of it, etc.....it sucks big time.

Not being terrible doesn't mean it didn't start or end on a hostile note. My manager was going to be in later on in the morning and our most senior employee was on vacation, so I had to open up the office. When I logged in to our computer system, it was pestering me to change my password and since I have been putting it off and have to do it eventually, I say eh screw it I'll do it today. It took over 5 minutes to register my password change. By the time I got in to clock in, it was 8:01. Not to mention I was on the phone with my boss. Apparently our one medical assistant was running late to the satellite office and our one doctor was having a shit fit about it and needed a registration form, so my boss wanted me to fax one over. I tried three times to fax one over and kept getting a busy signal. My boss called me back to find out if I sent it over and I told her it was busy so she gave me the number of the office to call and find out what was going on. I get a nice girl on the phone who transfers me to another lady. She tells me to email one over for her to print out and then starts rapidly firing off her email address. I had to ask her like 3 times to repeat it and then she got kind of hostile with me. Well, I'm sorry my hearing isn't great.

Then later in the day my boss told me around 3PM to start preparing charts for the medical assistants for the Monday appointments and there were so damn many. And I started to feel a little overwhelmed after awhile and by that point the medical assistants had come back from their destinations and one of them asked me if I needed help and I said that I could use quite a bit and for starters this one chart I needed to find out about getting a claim petition for, so she took it and then came back a few minutes with it and told me it was good to go. And then sat back down and proceeded to talk with the other assistant and my manager for over 20 minutes. Offered no more help. Help I desperately needed. I guess that one little task satisfied her help.

I was like 98% finished when I clocked out, but I left feeling frazzled because I didn't get to completely finish my work and I didn't get to check over my work, either. I also was really hating my coworkers. It's always so nice when they're not in the office. Especially the one who offered help. It was nice to finally get rid of my FWA's friend and her always whining how hot she was. Now this bitch is always whining how hot she is and how she thinks she is going through early menopause. No, you're just fat. Plus, she comes in from off of the road and puts her scrub jacket on and then bitches about how it's so damn hot. Take your damn coat off then! It makes no sense. If you're always hot, then why do you put a jacket on? Does anyone else get it? Because I don't.

I also have to laugh at this girl because she's always saying that if she has a problem with someone, she'll tell them right to their face. Yeah, okay. That's why you're always bad-mouthing people behind their backs. And yes, I know, I do it too, but I have never denied that I am a catty bitch. Because I am. In fact, out of everyone in that place, I am probably the worst when it comes to complaining about people, although 99% of the time I do it at home, not in work.

Oh and when I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave, I saw that cow who yelled at me the other day to slow down fly by me. But I need to slow down?

To be honest, the main reason I was fretting about Friday was that I was worried I would be forced to do overtime on Saturday and I had plans to go down the shore for the day. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to jinx myself. Luckily I did not have to.

And how many more damn pictures does my FWA have to post of people holding her baby? Like come on. Although I have to say I thought for sure she'd have posted about 5,000 pictures today, with it being her first Mother's Day and all. But so far she hasn't been too ridiculous.

Anyway, I had a fairly nice weekend. I did get to go down Wildwood and while the weather wasn't the greatest (it was warm, but kind of overcast), it turned out to be a decent day. Went to breakfast at Samuel's, walked the boards, went to Sam's Pizza for dinner. I ate way too much food. Those damn Curley fries.....I have no self-control with those.

I love the shore. I wish I could get down there more often. Just wish Wildwood wasn't getting so damn trashy. One point when we were walking down near the Auntie Anne's, there was a girl outside offering samples and this young guy and girlfriend- two jock-y looking people that resembled the assholes I went to high school with- were walking by and the guy started sarcastically saying oh no I don't need a sample I am too fat too obese (he wasn't fat) and then I hear his girlfriend loudly call him a fat fuck. I just shook my head. Why was that necessary? And why did he have to be so damn rude as well? I fear for the future of this country. I really do.

And then today we just went to dinner for Mother's Day. It wasn't a bad day. I just don't think I can take anymore bad eating! I have been doing so much bad eating for like the past month!

I am also getting that knot in my stomach about going back to work. Ugh.

Song Of The Day

Do you know what made me like this song? Hearing it on the old school Local Forecast.



Okay, so I know their music isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I don't understand why so many people have so much fiery hate towards them. They seem harmless enough. And considering a lot of their songs seem to center around emotional issues (People quoted the lead singer Dan saying that "Radioactive" was about his own struggle with depression and anxiety, and then just listen to "Demons"), I can't help but really appreciate their songs.

Plus, Dan is fucking hot. Hell, I can even excuse the occasional mullet he sometimes sports. You ever watch the way he pounds that drum in the "Radioactive" video? *fans self*

Ugh

On one hand, I am excited because tomorrow is Friday.

On the other hand, we have about 20 charts to finish for Monday. And it's only going to be 2 of us.

I hate my FWA so much right now.

And I hate allergies. My sinuses feel like they are going to blow.

The Awesome Of The Day

If anyone needed more proof I am a big dork, here you go:

Yes, I am officially a member of MGMT's fanclub.

Random Thoughts

I am pretty much convinced at this point that my boss has some kind of vendetta for me and is on a mission to make everyone in that place hate me. Why does she have to tell everyone it was me who found their mistakes? It makes me sound like an uptight anal retentive bitch.

Which I am, of course, but no one needs to know that.

And then when I was leaving work today, this middle-aged cow in an ugly ass Dodge sports car backs up pretty quickly from her parking spot and is in my lane and I had to slam on my brakes so I didn't hit her head on and then she yells out the window that I need to slow down! With the way I have been feeling the past couple days, I was ready to turn my car around and ram into the back of her. No, honey, you need to learn how to back up properly. And slow down yourself.

I am so fucking done with this week. And I am sorry I ever got this goddamn crown, because when other things aren't consuming my mind, all I think about is that damn crown and worry it's loose or that it will become loose or that food will get trapped under it and I'll get an infection and ARGH, it's so damn annoying. Especially because I am not chewing right due to fear of loosening it and my jaw muscles are hurting and the left side of my jaw tends to click a lot when I eat.

I had mentioned before that I was talking with someone on another site and we had a lot in common. I haven't heard from her in a month. The last time I heard from her she said she was going to post pictures from her vacation that she wanted me to see. I sent her a message 2 weeks later just asking her how her vacation was going and then to say happy birthday. And still nothing. And I am trying not to let it bother me, because for all I know something could have happened, but it is. Another person I bared my soul to only to have them desert me. I am starting to think I am eventually going to reach a point where I am no longer going to talk to anyone.

Random Thoughts

As usual, I did not sleep well last night and woke up in a pretty foul mood. Plus, for some unknown reason, I am hurting everywhere. My throat feels sore, I am exhausted, and I feel like my muscles are burning. And if someone runs their fingers down my spine, I feel like my entire spinal column is bruised. So that all just added to my bad mood. Then I get into work and find out there are still like 14 charts waiting to be completed for tomorrow. And it was only going to be me and one of the at home workers, so right off the bat, my day already was stressful.

Then who comes strolling in a few hours later? My FWA and her brat. I swear, if I had a shank I would have ran at her with it. I wanted so badly to say to her, bitch you chose the wrong day to come in. Instead I just said hi and got up and went into my manager's office to ask her something. Then said "oh by the way [FWA] is here". I thought my manager was going to blow her lid. And I honestly thought she was going to go out and ask her to leave.

And then when I came back out, I went right back to my desk and went back to work. And then the brat starts screeching at the top of her lungs. And all of my coworkers were like awww, while I was thinking someone get that banshee out of here before I start screaming.

I left work so damn stressed out today. Do you know how many charts I got through? Four. And the last one isn't even finished. The at home worker probably did at least 8 or more. Sure, she has been doing it at least a decade longer than me, but still. I felt like shit that I did so little. I honestly feel like never going back because I am so embarrassed by how little work I did.

I can't stand waking up in the morning. I am so damn depressed and every time wake up time comes, I just want to cry. The whole drive to work I want to cry because I dread going in. Clearly I am just not cut out for a task like this. Well, maybe if I still had a good attention span and didn't always feel like I have cobwebs in my brain. Or wasn't so terrified of making mistakes.

And either it was just a fluke or it's going to be a new thing every month several days into my period, but man Friday and Saturday I was an emotional nutcase. I was miserable as shit and couldn't stop crying. And very agitated. And during one of the highest levels of agitation, that kid I graduated with popped into my head again and I got even more agitated and just wanted to scream GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD. It's starting to really annoy the hell out of me.

I really wished I would have stayed home that Saturday. And now I have to worry about seeing him on Sunday when we go to dinner for Mother's Day. ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!

Song Of The Day

May Is Mental Health Awareness Month

Just a reminder that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Maybe one of these days mental health will be taken more seriously and won't have such a stigma. I honestly wish I was someone who could get out and push for more awareness and acceptance of mental health issues; oddly enough, it's my mental health issues holding me back from doing so.

Whenever I read people's accounts of having mental illness, they'll often talk about feeling ashamed. Which, with the way society views mental illness and the media portays us all as dangerous criminals, it's not hard to understand why one may feel that way. I can't say I feel any shame about having mental illness. Maybe here and there I might feel some shame, like when my manager decided to basically tell her boss that I had mental illness at my last performance review in 2011. It fucking sucks, that's for sure. And I'd love to be free of it. But I have no qualms of telling someone my list of issues or that I have been in a psychiatric hospital. I don't see why I should have to feel any shame for having it or I feel like I have to keep it a secret. Despite what some people may think, I know without a doubt that mental illness is very real. And if people want to stop talking to me because of it, then maybe I am better off without people like that in my life.

Now, if I could only start to actually believe that, because you know what? When you stand there and tell your thoughts to someone and they stop talking to you....it's like hey, I trusted you enough to stand here and pour my deepest most anguishing feelings out to you, sometimes things I don't even tell my own loved ones, and this is what I get? It fucking hurts.

Song Of The Day

"You’re too mean, I don’t like you, fuck you anyway, you make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs, it hurts but I won’t fight you, you suck anyway, you make me wanna die"