Random Thoughts

Since the CT shooting, there is still repeated talks of better mental health awareness, that the stigma needs to stop so people will be more willing to get treatment. And yet some of the shit I see on the internet, the stigma is getting worse and worse. I've seen people say that either come right out and say or passive-aggressively imply that all mentally ill people are dangerous. I've seen people say that mentally ill people should be rounded up and put into Hunger Games like situations. Yeah, this kind of stuff is really going to persuade someone who already feels like a leper for being mentally ill want to get help.

I'm so tired of the stereotype that mentally ill people are dangerous. Are all dangerous people mentally disturbed? Probably. But not all mentally disturbed people are dangerous.

I will never understand how someone can take a life. I really don't. And so brutally too.

But onto a happier topic....it's my birthday! Yay!*

*not really

Facebook was sucko when I went on. I had two notifications, and received one while I was scrolling through. And speaking of scrolling, have I ever mentioned how much I hate infinite scroll? Normally I'd have a lot more notifications than that. I know it's only stupid Facebook and I shouldn't give a shit, but it's kind of depressing the hell out of me.

At least I had a decent day yesterday. I did go to see the Hobbit and luckily the theater wasn't real crowded. It was good, just as I expected. I just wish I could remember where in the hell my copy of the book is. I want to read it again. The previews before the movie were pretty stupid. I'd say 95% of them were about alien attacks and they were loud as shit. I can't with these loud ass movies anymore, and I can't with these apocalypse movies either. If it's not some shitty remake or sequel, it's an end of the world movie. Enough is enough. Find some news ideas already. But anyway, then I went to Chili's for dinner. I love Chili's. They really have good chicken fingers. Of course I feel like crap from it. I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I still do. It was so good, though!

And on top of feeling crappy, those damn birth control pills are making me so nauseous! Last night I felt so sick I was about to go in and make myself throw up just to get rid of some of the nausea. At least when I got on the scale on Friday, I was still within my weight allowance (I was about 123 pounds. And pretty bloated). But these pills are taking all of the fun out of eating because I am so worried about gaining weight. And I do notice I keep getting very emotional. I heard some story about a priest who was attacked and robbed the other night in Philly and it made me feel so bad I almost started to cry. Especially when someone said that the priest had tears pouring down his face from being maced. He wasn't even necessarily crying, but I felt sympathetic tears. Might explain why I am feeling so depressed right now. I don't want to be on these damn pills!

Meh. I'll go make my day better by listening to my kings. That sounds like a good way to spend my birthday. Only thing that could make it better is if Andrew was one of my birthday gifts. And I would love for him to pop out of a cake looking just like this.

Song Of The Day

"The Fletcher Memorial Home" by Pink Floyd:



When I was down Myrtle Beach over the summer, I was in some music store on Barefoot Landing and the workers had Pink Floyd playing and this song happened to come on while I was in there and one of the workers turned it off. I protested loudly. He put it back on just for me. Don't ask me why I felt the need to tell this story. It was funny when it happened. And it's a great song.

To Possible Hell With This

I have no idea if it has anything to do with the Ortho-Cyclen, but my period seriously looks there is no end to it. By now it would have lightened up some. It has not. A little, but not like usual. And the beginning of it was unreal. I have never seen, um, clots like this before (I'm sorry.....sorry).

And I have been so emotional today! And nauseous. I cried for 10 minutes after getting out of the shower because I just felt so miserable. Stories on the news are making me cry. Things from my past are making me cry. Nothing at all is making me cry.

And sure I have eaten all day, but that didn't stop me from being dumb and getting on the scale. It was 127 pounds. Also don't know if that has anything to do with the pill. I could have just been swollen from lunch. It could just be my period holding fluid on me. It could just be the pill holding fluid on me. It could just be that I am pretty constipated. It could be a mixture of all of the above. I don't know. I'll take a pill tonight, but if I get on the scale tomorrow and there is a significant increase from my usual allowance (when I am going through bad bouts of constipation, I always have to allow an extra 3-4 pounds), then I don't know what I am going to.

I have felt so uncomfortable this week because I just do not like being on these pills. I don't like how the pill is just the solve all to everything. I don't even know if I have a hormonal imbalancement. Nothing was tested. So I am just thrown onto a drug that messes with my hormones and I don't even know if there is anything wrong with them. And if there is, then what caused it? Shouldn't the cause of it be found first? This is just masking the problem.

Random Thoughts

So I did cave in and start the Ortho-Cyclen like I was supposed to on Sunday. I am kind of confused why I still had to start it even though I was expecting IT over the weekend when the paperwork says to take it the first Sunday after your period starts. And it did come Sunday. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the birth control or just a freak coincidence, but I can't recall ever having a period like this in my life.

I am sweating out the side effects of it. So far I have been okay. No mood swings, no really bad depression, etc. I was ridiculously emotional on Sunday night. I cried for 15 minutes straight for no reason whatsoever. But I think that would have occurred with or without birth control.

But the big thing is whether I am going to gain weight or not. Going on the internet offers no comfort. But I did find someone who asked a pretty damn good question on birth control:

Something I don't quite understand and kind of on this topic. I have heard many women (not necessarily on this board) say, "I gained 40, 60, 100 pounds on the pill" What I don't get is when they noticed their weight going up, didn't it occur to them that maybe the pill was to blame. I can tell you that if I gained even 5 lbs on the pill, I would notice and if it got to be more than that I would go off the pill or at least try another one. Why do people just stick w/ the same pill as they see their weight climb off the chart? (source)

That's what I have been wondering. Why would you stay on something that is clearly making you gain weight? I mean, surely people have to realize it's the pills, right? If weight was never a problem and suddenly it is after starting pills, people surely have to make that correlation? When I started on anti-psychotics, the first little bit of weight gain I saw, I demanded to go off of it. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to stay on something that put 10 pounds on me in two weeks. If I stayed on it, how in the hell much more would I have gained? And if I get on the scale this week and see any significant increase in my weight, I am going to freak out. I have been eating exactly the same way I do every other week. But I am a little more cautious.

And if you do gain weight on them, why do you? Is it just the appetite increase? Hormones? What is it? Some people say that the reason for weight gain on anti-psychotics is due to appetite increase. Not in my case. I ate the same and still gained weight. It's all so confusing. I don't like taking pharmaceuticals. Especially ones that are messing with my endocrine system.

I'm supposed to go out for my birthday on Saturday and I have to laugh how my sister has basically made the decision that we are going to see The Hobbit. I want to see it, don't get me wrong. I have been waiting for this movie since I read the book back in 2003. But I am just not in the mood right now to go and sit through a 3 hour movie. Especially not one that just opened. I don't understand why everyone in my family knows that no matter how much I want to see a movie, I hate to go to movies that just opened and yet somehow I still find myself being drug to movies I want to see during special engagement. I am not in a rush to see this movie.

I was reading some article over on Jezebel about not wanting kids and someone in the comment section gave the condescending "you might change your mind!" and one of the reasons was "Maybe the biological urge hit (and, believe me, it can hit hard) or maybe you met someone really wonderful and he really wanted a family and he convinced you or maybe your sister had a baby and wow, you realized you wanted one, too or maybe your mom died unexpectedly and you just realized that you wanted a baby because you wanted a family". I can admit with a 100% honesty that that is certainly not happening to me. If anything, my sister's pregnancy is pushing me further away from wanting kids. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my niece or nephew. But the amount of work that has to go into having a kid.....I just can't with it. And I'll be more than happy to be around the baby, and watch it and change it and all that, but I still do not want one of my own. There is too much in life I'd rather do than have a kid. Like travel. And I hate when people argue that oh you can still do things, like travel, with kids. Why in the fuck do I want to drag a kid on a plane to go to Europe or wherever? And then get there and not get to do anything because the kid is screaming or crying or tired or whatever. No. I'll pass, thank you.

And then there are the slew of other reasons I have repeatedly covered. And the Connecticut shooting has made me want kids even less. You know, I see the parents on TV and I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they can say they forgive the shooter. They clearly are better people than I am, because I never would. I don't know how anyone can forgive someone for killing a loved one. My compassion for mentally ill people is pretty large, probably larger than most people's, but I have my limits. And killing people in cold-blooded murder is where I draw the line. I can partly understand the shooter's fear of being committed and possibly placed under a conservator ship. I live with the fear pretty much every day of my life of someone finding a reason to commit me. But that is absolutely no reason to go around killing people.

But forgiveness wouldn't matter, because if someone took my child away from me like this, I would never be able to handle it. I would either die of a broken heart or I would commit suicide.

The WTF Of The Day

Part WTF, part pretty fucking awesome:



So this is dubstep. Aside from the Alex Clare song, I have never heard it. Oy vey.

The light show is beyond awesome, though. I'd like to create a Christmas light show with MGMT. My old farty neighbors would just love us. And out of all their songs, I think "Time To Pretend" could be the best one to pull this off. And it will not be the clean version, either. Another great one would be "4th Dimensional Transition". Actually, that might be the best one. When the "stuck together, I don't like revealing secrets....." (2:21 in) part begins, can you imagine the light show you could create from it? Good god. My heart just temporarily stopped trying to picture it.

Excuse me while I go listen [loudly] to both now.

ETA 12/20: "4th Dimensional Transition" wins. Both would still be played, but "4th" would definitely be the better light show.

Happy Birthday Ben!

It's Ben's 30th birthday! EVERYONE BE HAPPY, for if he were not born, there would be no MGMT. And that, folks, would be bad. Or there might some form of them, but they might be horrible. And because no site on the internet that I visit lists his birthday.

ETA 12/24: Hey! I found a site that lists his birthday. Yay!

Also, here is a picture of Ben as a kid.

This World Has Got To Go

I don't know if it's due to my hormones being in overdrive, but the news has really been depressing. Last night, there was a story about a 16 year-old girl who was beaten outside of a convenience store by a bunch of losers. And what for? Just for the hell of it? And you should have seen the loser who started it. Some no good tall skinny ass cunt. Someone should get a hold of her and drag her out of a store by her hair and beat the shit out of her. See how she likes it.

Then they showed this man being taken to court who killed a 10 year old girl in a car accident. He was driving at least a 140 MPH. One hundred and forty miles an hour! And what for? How did he even survive the crash? He shouldn't have, that is for sure. Asshole.

And then there was another story about a man who was hit and left to die in the road. Who does that? How do you hit someone and just drive off? I don't understand it. I hit bumps in the road and have to drive back to make sure I didn't hit someone.

I swear, some people just deserve to just drop dead.

And then there was that school shooting today. What in the hell was that all about? Most school shootings seem to occur over bullying. What did these people do to the shooter? Really now. Merry fucking Christmas, people. Unreal. I am so glad I am never having kids. I really am. And I am glad I am not a teacher. Can you imagine how they must feel when stuff like this happens? I would be pissing my pants and freaking out, wondering how in the hell am I going to keep all of these children safe? I'd do everything in my power to keep the children safe, even putting my own life on the line, but heaven forbid something still ends up happening. I'd never be able to forgive myself. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. Probably nothing really could have prevented it, but my mind only has one agenda- blame myself for everything, whether it's in or out of my control.

And then it starts- the mental illness debate. Mental healthcare needs fixing. Uh, ya think?! And people who say this, I wonder how many of them have actually been through the mental healthcare system to understand just how much fixing it needs. The amount of fixing that shit hole system needs is unreal. I will never understand the cases of patients going and saying they want to harm others and nothing happens. You fucking report that person!

And then gun control arguments start. I hate guns. I really do. I can't even look at them without getting the chills. Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind owning one for protection. If someone was in my house to harm my family, I wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet in the person. Not to kill necessarily, but definitely to disable them somehow. Would it be nice if they were restricted more or banned? Sure. But what's the point? People would still find a way to get them. And there is always some asshole out there willing to get a gun for someone who shouldn't have one. And I wonder how much violence would increase if guns were put on a tighter restriction. And as unfavorable as it may be, I agree with the old notion that guns don't kill people. People kill people. 

And while I am sure people appreciate coverage of stories, I really wish news stations would stop filming people crying and grieving over deaths. Let them mourn in peace.

The WTF Of The Day

I am not supposed to be visiting this site anymore because it just raises my blood pressure (and not even 5 minutes into the comments on one article, an article condemning Miley Cyrus for slut shaming, and it's already raised. Raised more, actually, since right before I came on the internet, I managed to drop my 72 oz bottle of water on the floor and it busted open. Then in the midst of cleaning it up, my mom accidentally set off the fire extinguisher. Man, those things stink. What is it with ONTD and their "slut shaming" accusations all the time? Geeze.) But this:

Oh No They Didn't! - Best. Funeral. Ever.

Why do I want to watch this so bad?

Random Thoughts

I was able to get an appointment for today with my former boss. Having a gynecological exam at 9AM in the morning after a night of not enough sleep is not a pleasant experience. Particularly when the smallest speculum in existence STILL manages to make you feel like your innards are being ripped apart. And especially not when your examiner realizes you are not sitting forward enough and has to take the speculum out and reinsert it. I don't understand why at my age it hurts so bad. I at least used to be able to get tampons in. Now I can't even do that. All this pain is really scaring me off from ever having sex. Thank god I am not ever having children, because I could not even begin to imagine ever giving birth. I want to cry just thinking about it.

All I keep thinking of is that clip of Oprah when she yells "my va-jay-jay is paining me". It's like 100 years old and I am just finally finding humor in it.

When I was filling out paperwork, it asked what is your method of birth control. One method listed was "pull out". I looked at the paper like, are you fucking kidding me? It scares me to wonder how many people rely on that method. I know my FWA was one.

I was giving Ortho-Cyclen. I really and truly don't want to take it. I hate to sound so vain, but I would much rather deal with bleeding between my periods than gaining weight. Of course, it was one of the first things I brought up when my former boss asked if I would be willing to give BC a try and of course she said no, not with the pills nowadays. But the internet says otherwise. And I know you can't believe everything on the internet, but the reviews of the drug are scaring the hell out of me. I mean, five pounds, preferably less, I can deal with.  Twenty plus in weight gain, absolutely not. Plus, I still want to test whether gaining a few pounds- ON MY OWN- would stop it.

Then there are the complaints of acne (which is one of the reasons I was giving it since my skin decided to wait until I am an adult to start breaking out) and mood swings. Mood swings! Like I need more mood swings! As well as depression, anxiety, rage, etc. All things I DON'T need.

This review, however (from WebMD):

Random Thoughts

I was reading some post on Buzzfeed last night about why kids are the worst. It was clearly satire, but of course, some sanctimommies and daddies got themselves all in an uproar over it. And then it starts about how having children is the most rewarding job in the world, etc, etc.

Maybe it is because I have no maternal instinct, but I could think of plenty of other things that would be considered extremely rewarding in my life. Donating a kidney to someone who needs it. Giving blood to someone for a transfusion. Donating bone marrow for a transplant. Convincing a suicidal person to not commit suicide (yes, I am well aware of the hypocrisy of someone who is always thinking of killing themselves telling another person to not kill themselves). Rescuing an abused animal from the monster who is abusing it. Every time I watch those animal rescue shows, I think, god I want to do that. I want to get those poor animals out of the hands of those monsters. But then I think of the truly bad parts of the job and I don't think I could deal with it.

I can hear my father's conversation on the phone right now about how he is applying for SSD because it's more money a month than retirement. I just can't.

I saw some article earlier with a picture of Anne Hathaway getting out of a car with her lady parts showing. Why do celebrities do that? Is it really that difficult to get out of a car without flashing your lady parts? And is it really that difficult to wear panties? I don't get the whole going commando thing. No matter how many times a day I get washed, I feel dirty down there. Urine, discharge, all that stuff that comes from that area. And you actually don't mind your clothes touching it? Yick. And what if your period comes on unexpectedly? Could you imagine?! It's not much better with underwear on, but it prevents a little bit of the blood breaking through. I'd much rather have panty lines than go commando. Or wear a thong.

I am reading an article about a satirical article saying that the Catcher in the Rye and To Kill A Mockingbird are going to be dropped from the US school curriculum and it turned into a discussion of what books people read in school. I read both books in high school. I can't remember if I read To Kill more than once. I read Catcher my senior year, and maybe it was because I was kind of broody at the time, but I kind of enjoyed it. It was one of the rare ones I enjoyed my entire 4 years. Most books I hated. Especially Shakespeare. And Things Fall Apart my freshmen year....good god. My mind was full of fuck reading that. I see a mention of the Cask of the Amontillado in the discussion. I read that story so many damn times, I should have it memorized.

There is a book I read my senior year that for the life of me I cannot remember the title of. I think it was about a fallen angel. Whatever it was, it depressed the hell out of me.

One day I was complaining about the people I used to work with and my sister thinks I need to just delete them as friends on Facebook. I agree, but I haven't done it yet. But why should I bother keeping them? They aren't worth the time. Especially my FWA. I don't know what her deal is. I mean, I probably should have caught on that she was lying to me based on how many other lies I caught her in. I just always laugh thinking of the time that she said to me that she knew right off the bat that I am very reserved when it comes to making friends due to being hurt in the past. And then she turns around and does the same thing. It doesn't bother me so much that she doesn't bother with me. It's the fact that she KNEW that about me before she even knew me very well and still turned around and did the same thing. THAT is what pisses me off.