Random Thoughts

Warning- I am very, very hormonal right now, so I am probably going to sound very petty and say a lot of shit deep down I don't really mean. Possibly a small pity party will be throw in.

Well, my first visit to unemployment wasn't bad. It was informative. I was just a little annoyed because I anticipated being there two hours or more, so I woke up early to do some things and made a trip to Wawa for pumpkin coffee (have I mentioned how much I love that stuff? If not....I love it SFM). so I could stay somewhat alive during the orientation, and I ended up getting out after an hour. Not that I wanted to be there for two hours, but I could have slept a little longer and I probably would have not gotten into an argument with my mother on the way there. Naturally I don't think I was in the wrong but now she is being a real bitch and I am really hoping my sister calls me to hang out because I just can't deal with my mother today.

Actually I just have not had much patience with her at all lately. Love her to death but she is really starting to try my patience. Can't be bothered listening to my complaints, but does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about hers. Or does listen to my complaints and has to always make some comparison to hers. I can't ever just once complain about feeling uncomfortable and bloated without having to have her lift up her shirt and say something like "try having a big stomach like this". You don't want a big stomach? Here's an idea. Actually a couple- stop buying so much fucking junk food, consume MORE calories (I doubt my mom clears 1200 calories a day), and knock off the 15 plus hours of sitting on your ass and watching the fucking TV.

I swear, I have never seen two people watch so much TV in my life as my parents.

If I mention anything about being stressed, then it's try being as stressed as she is having to wake up to my father every day. I can never make one complaint without her having to somehow outdo me with the same complaint. It's incredibly annoying. I just want someone to talk to! Not a fucking competition on who's life is more stressed or more miserable!

And there is always the only she can ever complain about things. Just like with her ailments, she does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about my father, but the second I make one negative comment about him, she is right there defending him (this was the reasoning behind the argument this morning). And for someone that hates him so much and claims she doesn't want to talk to him, she sure in hell does talk to him a lot. Even one time my sister was over, she was in my bedroom with me and she made a comment about her doing a lot of talking to him.

And she still will bend over backwards for him. My grandparents are the same way. They give us all a $100 every year for Christmas and they still wanted to give my father his this year. Despite the fact that he leaves every time they come over and now we are at the point that my grandparents aren't even coming over because they feel so unwelcome in the house. It's great that they still want to be the better person and all, but my god, there is a fucking limit!

And speaking of not wanting to deal with shit, I received a bill for my blood work I had done in October and I open it and they are telling me the claim could not be processed. The bill was for $766. I almost had a heart attack. So I call to find out what the hell is going on and here they had the wrong ID number or something. Gee, what a shocker. The last time I had lab work I was billed because they were trying to bill under my old insurance.

But even so, I only had a small amount of money left in my HRA fund, plus I still owed $500 towards my deductible, so I am still going to owe a lot of money. I want to scream so bad. I knew a Lyme disease test was probably going to be a pretty penny, but I didn't anticipate almost $500. And I did not realize I was not only having my TSH levels tested, but the free T-4 levels as well, so what I anticipated costing a little over $100 was actually almost $220. At the time I was only really concerned with getting my glucose (77), sodium (138 on a scale of 135-145), and potassium (3.8 on a scale of 3.5-5.2) levels tested, so I probably should have just refused the TSH and Lyme disease tests. But I don't like to be too noncompliant with doctors.

Oh and as expected, my eye doctor visit went fine. Nothing wrong with my retinas. Just $100 less in my wallet. This is exactly why this has to stop. Or I am going to go broke. Not to mention the physical and emotional toll it is taking on my body. Like I said once before, if I keep stressing that there is something seriously wrong with me, eventually there really will be.

I am reading a book on OCD called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders: A Complete Guide To Getting Well and Staying Well and the author (Fred Penzel, Ph.D) states this:

OCSDS sufferers can become self-centered, inwardly focused, and withdrawn from the lives and needs of others

And you know what? He is absolutely right.

Nice to see my WA has been on Facebook for a while now. Nice to also see her friend post part of a transcript on Facebook as well. No names or anything were given, but um, hello. You don't post something like that on Facebook. That is still information that should be private. No wonder them two get along so well. They are nice people, but Jesus, they are both stupid as hell.

Actually nice is questionable. Neither of them, except for that one time with my WA telling me she was doing my job, has made any contact with me since my last day at work. I mean, I know I am a narcissitic bitch, but I would expect people who claim to be my friend that they would at least check in on how I am doing, especially since the both of them seen me almost have a mental breakdown at the end of the day the Wednesday of that week (I felt so lousy and was so anxious over getting my bloodwork results and I couldn't check my blood pressure and I had already spent about a good 15 minutes analyzing my skin and my anxiety just kept building until I just lost it after one of them asked me what was wrong. If anyone ever wants to be mean and deliberately make me cry, and I am clearly upset about something, just ask me what if something is wrong, and I guarantee you will get waterworks. Especially if you are my mom!).

Sometimes I wonder if I were to ever disappear, if anyone would even care. Or even notice.

Video Of The Day

I previously bitched about it, but I have heard it a couple times on the Alternative Music channel on Music Choice and kind of started to really like it:



I still do prefer Peter Schilling's version, though. That song got me through a lot of shit when I was in tenth grade (about the time I started to probably show signs of just how fucking nuts I was, after getting into a car accident for the first time and becoming unhealthily terrified of paralysis). I don't really know how the song correlated to anything, but I remember many nights laying on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out with that song playing on my CD player:

A Fourth Angry Letter To The American Media

Dear American Media:

Please do not put any more headlines about Lindsay Blohan unless they are "Lindsay Lohan Found Dead of Drug OD". I'm not kidding. I really hope to see that headline one day.

Also, someone please tell her enough with the Marilyn Monroe schtick. It's nauseating enough with practically every bitch trying to emulate her, but it's a million times worse with her. Unless she eventually meets the same fate as Marilyn.

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

Random Thoughts

Oh insomnia, how I hate you.

Since I have been laid off, I have had to deal with what I call "scumbag brain" (thanks, Memebase) almost every morning. I wake up for no reason and then my mind starts running and eventually it turns into an analysis (and extremely crtitical) of my life. The typical you can't do anything right, you're a failure, nothing can change that, etc. And I can't go back to sleep.

It almost makes me sad how much self-loathing I have.

I'm pretty exhausted right now but I know if I climb into bed, I am going to get "scumbag brain" because I am anxious about going to the eye doctor later on. Right now all I see are the goddamn floaters while I am trying to type and it's aggravating and stressing me out. They have been bad for a while, probably since long before I worried the last time, but whether they are actually worse or not is beyond me. I've kind of grown accustomed to them over the years.

So instead I am up, on here, with some corny ass Lifetime Movie movie on called Girl Fight. It's some movie based on that real life story about those girls that beat the crap out of another girl and posted it online. I hate movies like this. They always make my blood boil. And make me definitely not ever want kids. If I saw my child getting the ever loving crap beat out of them on the internet, I don't know what I would do. I am sure it would involve assault of some sort, though.

And the other thing that annoys me about this movie is not only is practically everyone a terrible actor, but these girls are some ugly ass bitches. Good god. Especially the Alexa chick and the blonde one with the fat face that did the bulk of the beating. They all looked like they were beaten as badly as Haley with an ugly stick. And listening to Alexa constantly whine that she didn't touch her she didn't do anything wrong was nauseating. Not the point, bitch.

And I already know the ending of the movie from the IMDB forums and....really???!!

I also am already dreading having to go up to unemployment for the first time this week. And I am NOT looking forward to it! I've heard some stories, man!

I never get these people. If it weren't for us, they'd have no fucking jobs!

Anyway, there does exist a picture showing the actual full buttocks, and I have seen it, and it was good, but I can't seem to find it. So instead....this:

1zwkkzb.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x300 pixels)













ETA 11/16: FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG I am blushing something fierce looking at that. I just can't with him! I cannot fantasize sexually about him! I try and my brain pretty much gives me a system error! Don't get me wrong....if given the chance, OH!!!!!!! The things I would let him do to me! But if I try to picture it, I can't! I feel like a dirty old pervert, even though he is older than me!

Also, here is a picture where he has that look. That look of being up to no good. Everyone else looks like they are behaving. Well, maybe except for Ben. I don't know what he is doing there, but it's sexfully hysterical. But Andrew? That's some shady side eye there. He almost has that SOON look. What'd you do or are planning to do there, Andrew?!

Ugh, it does not help that "Sex On Fire" just came on the radio!

An Angry Letter To Facebook Users

Dear Facebook Users:

Look, there are probably hundreds of things I could bitch at you all about, but this one really eats at me. If you are going to post statuses with vague whining like "I don't know how much more I can take" and people ask you what is the matter, either spill what is bugging you or STFU. Stop wasting everyone's time with "I don't want to talk about it" or something of a similar nature because hello, you posted it on Facebook. You obviously are in dire need of wanting attention.

I'm looking at you, WA.

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

Picture Of The Day

I initially wanted that picture on a T-shirt for work, but now I want one just in general. Especially when people bitch to me about their health ailments. Then I can just point to my shirt. Yes, I know I sound like a bratty little child (although I suspect hormones have a hand in this), but if no one wants to give a fuck about mine, why should I have to give a fuck about theirs?

Video Of The Day

Take This Disorder And Shove It

It just is not stopping.

Let's run through the list one more time- since May, I have gone from general foot stress fracture to navicular stress fracture to meningococcemia to tooth abscess to Addison's disease. Well, that last one still hasn't gone away yet. Every time I start to think it is, something will happen that makes me doubt it. I am still climbing up onto my bathroom counter in my underwear with a handheld mirror and inspecting different areas of my body in front of the big mirror.

So what is it now? Oh not a new one. Something that I had before- a retinal detachment. And just like most of the others, I have no idea what specifically started it. It may have just been one time I was sitting in front of the computer and saw a couple flashes of light in my right eye. And since then, I have been seeing them. And the sad thing is, I am not even sure if I really am.

And of course, now I am noticing my stupid eye floaters more and it has me wondering if I am actually seeing more or if they have worsened in darkness or if it's all just my imagination. I have them in both eyes pretty badly and they all mostly come up near the nasal area. If I cross my eyes, I can see them off in the distance. And some of them are a good half inch in length. One of the ones in my left eye has a big dark center and about three arms. It looks like an alien!

And noticing them more is making me do crazy shit when I try to read stuff, as well as constantly trying to follow the stupid little buggers, and I think I am badly straining my eyes due to it, because they have been feeling very irritated, although no redness. Predictably enough, that only makes me worry more that it could be a detachment, in spite of the fact that pretty much all of the material I have read say retinal detachments are painless.

And like the other fears, there is stuff I have to do all day to try and [very unsuccessfully] get rid of the anxiety. I have to keep covering one eye or the other to see if my vision is the same. Freak out at the slightest sign of abnormalcy. I try to do stuff to distract myself and all I see are the damn floaters and I lose any concentration I might have had and can only focus on them. Even now, typing this, they are all I see. The white background makes it so much worse. It's frustrating.

I also happen to have freakishly long eye lashes that tend to tangle in one another and sometimes I think some of the stuff I see is them untangling. Again, I do not know.

I am so done with this shit. I really can't take it anymore. And I am getting close to that time of the month coming and if it's anything like last month, it made the OCD flare up really bad. I am dreading it coming because if I have to go through anxiety like I did last time, God knows what I may do. Because I am in kind of a worst situation than I was last month.

The semi-good news (not for my wallet) is I did decide to go with COBRA for a little bit, which means I should be able to visit the gynocologist this month (even better news- it's a preventive service, so it will be covered 100% by my insurance) and I probably should bring it up to my doctor, although she may try to push birth control on me, which I refuse to take unless I am using it for it's purpose. My mother and my sister both swear I have PMDD. I am sure you can all guess what my response usually is to that. Although I am starting to wonder.

All I know is I am tired of this OCD and I am tired of not feeling well and not knowing why. And every time I think the vertigo is gone for good, it comes back, as well as some other things.

Picture Of The Day

See more on Know Your Meme

The Awesome Of The Day

Like you didn't see it coming!

Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT Halloween Poast

I briefed over the comment section earlier and this exchange had me laughing hysterically:

nice wig
what's it made of?
YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR

I don't know why, but there is still something that makes me giggle at your mom jokes. And at that first picture of Andrew. He looks like a woman in the midst of a mind-blowing orgasm.

I am feeling pretty miserable and stressed, since it's the last day of having health insurance unless I decide to go with COBRA, so I think I am going to say the hell with my diet right now (even though I have pretty much said that the past few days) and I am going to go get a pumpkin pie Blizzard! One last hurrah with one since I will have to wait another year to get one.

HAPPY HALLOW-HEEN EVERYONE!!!!