Random Thoughts

Friday night I did something that I will never forgive myself for. I am ashamed of myself. I am beside myself with guilt. As if I needed more suicidal ideation triggers. This one really added fuel to the fire. I can't with my personality anymore. I am beyond scared of why I have been behaving the way I have, why I have so much anger and rage in me.

I claimed my last unemployment check over two weeks ago. I am pretty sure I am not entitled to anymore extensions, but the state still sends a paper letting the recipient know whether they are receiving an extension or not. I have yet to receive my papers. And now I am worried that someone stole my papers. I had myself up for over an hour sick with worry over it.

I feel like I am about to lose my mind. Every time I turn around, I have something new to worry about. And every new worry is met with the same reaction- it's brushed off as nothing. I am so glad that my fears are so insignificant to everyone else. The point is, no matter how ridiculous they sound, they are still legitimate fears to me.

I often hear people talk how the idea of ECT is terrifying. While the idea of going under anesthesia and having my brain zapped freaks me out a little, if I was giving the chance to have it done, with a high possibility of it being successful, I would more than willingly have it done. I am almost willing to do anything to defeat these demons.....except take medication.

And speaking of worrying, Wednesday I had a little bit of blood in the bathroom. I almost had a heart attack. I was like oh no not this mid-cycle bleeding again. It only happened that one time, and a little light pink later on. But since then, I have been unbearably bloated, to the point of being about 125 to 126 pounds on the scale. I feel like I am going to explode. Constipated. Nauseous as hell. And having really bad cramping in my lower left side and across my back. I feel just like I did when I was on birth control, so I don't believe this is all intestinal-related. I am half-tempted to call my old boss and ask her if I could come in for an exam.

Anyway, happy Mother's Day to any mothers out there. My Facebook news feed has been relatively quiet today, although there are a few sanctimommy postings from certain people.