Random Thoughts

My mind has been in an absolute state of blankness.

Last Sunday was my mother's 60th birthday. My sister and I planned it out to be a nice day. We went to dinner with about 14 people and then came back to have cake. And in the grand tradition of things, my father had to be an ass and ruin it for my mother.

I was laying in bed one night, thinking as usual, and it is actually quite amazing that I actually get excited about events like birthdays, holidays, and vacations. Growing up, all I heard from my father every birthday or holiday was oh what is the big deal, it's just another day. Every fucking birthday or holiday I had to hear that. Dad's Day is coming up soon and I don't even want to buy him anything. If he questions why, I will just say "well, it's just another day, isn't it?".

Whenever I got excited about vacations, I had to listen to my mother bitch every vacation about how much she hates vacations. Or if I got excited about Christmas, then it was how much she hates Christmas and wishes she didn't have to celebrate it. EVERY fucking year. And my father had to ruin holidays that were celebrated with my aunt and grandparents by being a miserable asshole because he has some beef with them that I still have yet to hear the reason behind.

My father treats my grandparents (my mom's parents) and aunt (my mom's sister) horrible. They have been nothing but good to him. They loved him more than his own fucking parents. I held a grudge against him (and still do) over it for many years and....well, he still treats them like shit, so there goes how much he respects my opinion. My aunt was just over and she said good-bye and he totally ignored her. I love my father, of course, but sometimes I really fucking hate him.

I remember a time when I was about 9 years old, I had gotten into a fight with my parents over something and in typical bratty kid fashion, I said I was going to run away and stormed out of the room. When I got into the next room, I heard a noise and my father is coming after me, so I scream and run into the laundry room where he follows me in and starts slapping the crap out of me. And one of the bad things about that? My mom and my sister stood behind and did not do anything to stop him. He beat the crap out of me just for saying I was going to run away from home. I can still clearly visualize that and every time I do, I can't even say what runs through my mind when I look at him. Being spanked growing up never bothered me, but there were times that it was out of contol. That was one of them.

That is not to say my mother was not completely innocent. One time down the shore I was in the room watching MTV (back when they still played music videos) and she came in and told me to get done. I was waiting to see "Basket Case" and it had just finished when she came back in and when she seen I had not been showered yet, she freaked and at one point grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. Seriously? All because I had not been showered yet?

This is exactly one of the big reasons I do not want kids. I have an awful temper and I can control it to a point. Once I am past that point, forget it. I can't bear the thought of hurting my own child and I know points would come in life where I would not be able to control my temper and would. I also feel like if I had a significant other, I fear I would be abusive. I can't stand the thought of hurting another person (for the most part), but when I lose my temper, its uncontrollable. I live in fear of someone really pissing me off one day, especially if it involves hurting someone I care deeply about. My temper is a good example of Pandora's Box.

I am starting to get incredibly resentful with my job. I talked to my boss last week about getting benefits and somehow the meeting turned into my not wanting to talk on phones and she surprisingly seemed okay about it, but she said she had to talk to her boss about whether it will be okay to keep me there full time and not do phone work. He just so happens to be out of town and will not be back until this week. And I know, I just know, she will not remember. And heaven knows when he will actually be back in office for her to talk to him. At this rate, I am never going to get fucking benefits. She knew about this almost 4 fucking weeks ago! She has been planning on hiring me full time for quite some time! Why the hell did she not talk to him sooner?! My average weekly hours since the Monday after Easter have been enough to give me benefits! Look at how much PTO time I am missing out on! If I check my employment profile, I am still listed as less than 25 hours a week. I am severely tempted to start going in at just that- less than 25 hours a week. They don't want to give me what I rightfully entitled to, then I will do just as they have me listed. This is fucking ridiculous. Leave it to me to be the one who gets fucked. Just like how there are at least 12 people who work from home and I, the one person who has wanted nothing more than to have an at home job, am the only one out of all them who gets yanked away from the position.