Random Thoughts

Back during the fall, I was feeling somewhat good. I was having less trouble with my digestive system, my mood was kind of well, really good. Of course I had the voice in the back of my head reminding me that what goes up must come down, and I knew ultimately a crash would come. And it appears that it has finally come. I am having a horrible OCD flare.

First things. My furry niece's cancer is back. My mom has to have back surgery again. My g-pop might possibly have cancer. 

On New Years Eve, I woke up with an extremely irritated throat and burning in my chest. I assumed it was a reflux flare or something, but the rest of the week my throat continued to be irritated and by the weekend I was coughing and congested. That Sunday night I lost my sense of smell and taste and it continued, so the next day I went to CVS to get something and then decided to go to the Minute Clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given my good old buddy doxycycline. By Wednesday I had started to feel somewhat better and my taste and smell were coming back. But the closer I got to the end of my prescription, I started to worry that everything would come back after I finished the prescription.

And let me remind you that whenever I have been diagnosed with a sinus infection, I always get terrible fearful that it's not going to go away and it's going to spread to my brain or blood. This time around I also had an area in my left lower gum bothering me that I was fearful was an abscess that was going to spread as well. Now I get anxious about a lot of things in life, but not much can surpass sepsis.

The good thing is, my prescription ended and I had no recurrence, just the typical digestive system mess antibiotics like to leave me with. But then this past Tuesday I started having this burning in my chest and esophagus. My throat is irritated and I have the worst taste coming from the same area. I keep getting this burning hunger feeling every so often. I'm belching more than often. My stomach and esophagus feel raw and irritated. I don't know if it's a bad acid reflux flare or what. Of course I know I'm never too young for cancer, especially with my reflux history and family history, but in the grand tradition of things, I tend to worry more about less serious illnesses. I'm more worried that it's H. pylori or an ulcer or both. I've been taking Pepcid which helps but not entirely. I'm afraid to eat for fear of how whatever I eat is going to affect me. I'm worried about vomiting. It has me such a big time mess.

If people could experience how I'm feeling right now, you'd completely understand why I want to put my foot up every person's ass who is all tee hee I like a clean house I'm so OCD tee hee!

Song Of The Day

Hmph

Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.

Random Thoughts

Another holiday season come and gone.  Another round of post-holiday blues that I know will eventually cease but is still a pretty rough ride to tough out.  And with the way things have been going, before I know it, I'll be in stores and saying holiday stuff already?

Considering how every little noise under the sun annoys me to the point of full blown aggravation, I've often wondered if I have misophonia.  And one of the noises that annoys me is hearing people cough.  And I just so happen to be lucky enough to work in a place where everyone and their fucking grandmother constantly coughs all day.  Between that and the sound of people collating, along with many other things, I am going to go fucking crazy one day.  And since New Year's Eve, I've had congestion, post-nasal drip, an irritated throat, and now an intermittent cough.  Do you know what it's like to be the source of one of your own trigger noises?  I'm absolutely getting on my own nerves hearing myself cough.  And I can't even escape it.   

Article Of The Day

Trump Ranks With Mother Teresa on Women’s Issues, Surrogate Claims

Article Of The Day

Angry Disney World Ranter Says Childless People Should Be Banned From The Theme Park

Aww, is someone angry because they secretly hate being a mother?

Song of the Day

Ever since hearing it driving to work one morning a few months back, I have been absolutely obsessed with this cover:

Random Thoughts

I was initially handling my FWA being out pretty well. Now I'm starting to feel panicky, especially looking at the amount of working slowly building up every day. It's not helping that records keep coming in that practically need their own zip code. In the past 2 weeks, we've had a 2 12-inch chart and an 11.25-inch chart come in. And this is on top of several 2+ inch charts that keep coming. Like what the fuck is going on with these people? And a lot of times, they have all these goddamn freaking records and their injury is something ridiculously minute, like they picked up something wrong.

And instead of just staying home and worrying about raising her crotch demon, the bitch has already been pumping people about the workload. She apparently figured it would get really bad while she was out. And the fact that it's starting to look that way is really grinding my gears and frustrating me to all holy hell that I can't just not care and pump out voluminous half-assed work like her.

And aside from being incredibly frustrated with myself, it also frustrates me how inexcusable this is. It's not like my FWA came in one day and said "I'm pregnant" and immediately went out on maternity leave. Oh no, not her. She made sure to let everyone know ASAP, so my manager had every goddamn right to better prepare for this. But then again this is the same person who gets annoyed that 2 of her employees are talking excessively and instead of coming out and telling them to shut the fuck up and get to work, she shuts her office door.

Random Thoughts

So far doing well with work. Frankly, finally having some variety in work tasks is extremely appealing to me.

My manager has told me numerous times that she trusts me to handle many of the tasks in the office and that I should take it as a good thing. She also tells me I need to have more confidence in myself. Which I am well aware of. Every time people tell me that, I feel like saying trust me I know. Of course, my problem isn't so much I need more confidence in myself. I need confidence period, because I have very little, if any. If I had confidence in myself, I wouldn't be working there. I would have graduated college like a normal person, probably working as a radiology technologist like I initially planned on doing. Until mental illness, an ever increasing decline in confidence and self esteem, and an overwhelming fear of touching people got in the way.

For the longest time, if I was having to eat out on Sunday, I would get annoyed. Lately, though, it's all I have been wanting to do. I almost was going to eat home tonight, but convinced everyone to order pizza. And now I feel really guilty and like a real shithead for doing so, not to mention what my digestive system feels like. And I know when I wake up tomorrow morning, my digestive system is going to feel even worse, and I'm really going to curse myself. I'm also feeling guilty for making my parents eat bad, especially with their cholesterol levels. I feel like a rotten child.

"Comfortably Numb"just came up on my iTunes playlist. I wish I was comfortably numb right now. Also, I wish one day in work, a patient would come up to the desk window, no one will be there at the moment, and they say "hello, hello, hello is there anybody in there?". I swear to God, I would give that person $50, because it would absolutely make my day.

Random Thoughts

A few days before my FWA left for let's screw my coworkers because of my choices leave, the one who tells like it is but never does announced she was going to be leaving for another job. Her last day was this past Friday. This should be fun, two people being gone at the same time.

For the most part, I didn't really dislike her, but she could be very trying as a coworker. You were damned if you do, damned if you don't with her. If you didn't do something, she bitched. If you did something, she found something to bitch about it. Most of the time I fought with myself whether or not to do something, because I wasn't sure which was the correct thing to do. So the one upside is one less person to walk on eggshells around. Sometimes I wonder if lawyers or doctors are as demanding as some of my coworkers. Apparently when Ms. Hail to the V's stuff is being set up for her next workday, there are many exact specifications of how it's done. Seriously- you're medical assistants, get the fuck over yourselves.

(And yes, I am completely aware of the complete and utter hypocrisy in my complaint of being damned if you do, damned if you don't, because if anyone is like that, it's me. There is basically NEVER any pleasing me.)

However, there is a little bit of bright light at the end of the tunnel regarding being short workers- my FWA delivered yesterday, more than a week early.