Song Of The Day

I don't know about anyone else, but I would definitely consider this song as some form of country yet I heard it for the first time on Music Choice's Adult Alternative station and surprisingly really liked it:

Random Thoughts

I just finished watching Corpse Bride and I don't know why, but every time I watch that movie, I feel overwhelmingly depressed. Just everything that happens to Emily is sad.

Also, all these Christmas commercials are depressing me, too. Nick took Spongebob off at 7AM, so I am back to watching I Love Lucy and every day it's "THIS MANY DAYS UNTIL COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS!". Ugh, I dread those movies come back, because my parents basically watch EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM and they're all so damn saccharine and corny and ugh. And every year they tell me about A Dog Named Christmas and I have to tell them yes, I have seen it and I have actually read the book!

And what the hell is with the weather forecasted for Saturday? It's Apple Fest! All week it was supposed to be cold, sunny, and windy. Now all of a sudden it's going to rain? GR!

Random Thoughts

I had the news on earlier and they were talking with people who are still trying to rebuild after Sandy and they interviewed this one girl who has a little boy about 14 months old (I think) and she was saying how she was working 3 jobs just to pay to fix things. And I thought about my FWA whining to me that one day about how her boyfriend's mother gets to sit home and all she wants to do is be home with her baby. At least she only has to work 1 job. A nice cushy job where she gets to come and go as she pleases and do whatever the fuck she pleases. She left her time sheet up one day when she went to lunch and 99% of the days she never meets 8 hours. Never on time. Never an hour lunch. Gets to spend an hour plus talking to her fat mama and a half hour plus pumping her titties, all on company time. But the dumb cow never gets away with anything, right?

Yesterday she skipped out at 12:00. I would love to know where in the hell she even has the time to take a half-day. I would love to know her reasoning behind that. Probably wasn't feeling good or something. Caught that bug she always claims to be going around. But apparently not bad enough to take a million pictures of her spawn and post them on Facebook yesterday afternoon.

And I don't know where in the hell our company gets temps from, but damn are they some incompetent lazy bitches with poor work ethics. Our latest one is never on time, took about a 45 minute lunch yesterday and then came back and stood around and ate. One day last week I almost rear-ended her because she was driving super slow and out of nowhere broke hard. When I pulled up next to her, one hand was holding a phone and the other was holding a cigarette. And this isn't some young chickadee, probably significantly middle-aged. And then she had the nerve to complain to me one day about how people are too reckless driving in the rain.

I have done 4 days of overtime already. I swore after the whole situation in August that I was never going to give that company more than I needed to, but I guess I am a sucker. I keep telling myself that I am doing it in support of my coworker being out with cancer....no, wait that isn't worded right. I don't know how to word what I am trying to say. Oh, and I like money!

It's not really new because I have noticed it before, but I have something to add to my list of ever growing womanly problems. Apparently in the second half of my cycle, things turn a scary purple color down below (sorry. I'm sorry) and almost white on the outer edges. And sometimes itches. I was horrified when I seen it again earlier. I am "due" for my period on Sunday; whether it will come is another story and yes, I already have myself super stressed out about it.

When I was driving home from work earlier, I was very agitated (stupid drivers everywhere) and I felt hot across my lumbar area, which got me more agitated. Then it made me think of That Thing and I felt like yanking my steering wheel and crashing into a tree.

Yesterday my favorite radio station posted a link to the new Imagine Dragons song (I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet) and as expected people bitched. I don't get it. If people hate them so much, then why did they even bother listening to the song? If the station posts a music clip for a group I don't like or care for, I don't listen to it. Simple as that. And then I seen someone on ONTD say they are the worst band to come out of this decade. Seriously? With all of the shit music out there, Imagine Dragons is the worst? Give me a break.

I have been in a horrible mood the past 2 days. I hope to God it's PMS.

Song Of The Day

I forgot how good this song is:

Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina - Stereo Love (Official Music Video)

I love the scenery in the video. Would love to know where it was recorded, but I don't feel like looking it up right now. What do I look like? A girl who's not lazy?

ETA 10:42PM: it's Greece

Random Thoughts

Well I made it through Boo at the Zoo yesterday. It wasn't too bad, I suppose. Well, I guess it couldn't have been too bad, since I wasn't tempted to "accidentally" trip any kids. Last year when I went, the kids were monsters and their parents were even worse. Like chill the fuck out people, it's just candy! The only person who got on my nerves was not surprisingly the BIL. And next week is Apple Fest at Peddler's and I am sure he will be a condescending jackass like always.

When we were on vacation, my nephew was, to put it as nicely as possible, a complete terror. I don't know if something was bothering him or what, but he would not stop screaming so many times. It was ridiculous. Every time he screamed, I thought of how people are all OMG IT'S SO WORTH IT IN THE END and I laughed. There is no way no how in any sane world having to listen to that screaming is worth it. But the only thing I liked about it is how much it pissed my BIL off. Mr. Big Shot likes to be in control of everything and not being able to control his son must have been killing him. The thought of that fills me with glee.

Not that anyone gives a shit, but today was the first day I have not seen any type of brown spotting at all. And I have finally been able to sleep better. I am still nauseous, though. I have never had spotting like this past week ever. Every time I thought it was done, it would come back. And then having the cramping along with it. What in the hell was going on to cause all that? I don't know if I had a cyst or what; if so, it must have been a pretty significant cyst. All I know is it scared the hell out of me and I am really shook up from it. It certainly did not help the whole perimenopause fear (kind of made it worse actually). And now I am worried what kind of effect it is going to have on my period? Is it going to be late? Is it going to come at all?

I am so tired of feeling like shit. And everyone telling my it's my anxiety. I don't deny that my anxiety plays a role, but it's not the sole role in this. Something is not right. And I am still willing to bet it's some kind of deficiency. I guess I just need to grow a set already and go back to the doctor and say "I want this and this and this checked and I don't care if I have to pay out of pocket".

Ugh, can't believe the weekend is over already.

Also, here is a picture of my last pumpkin pie Blizzard until next year *sniffs*:

Good GOD

I AM SO OVER THIS PERIMENOPAUSE SHIT

ETA 10:49PM: Took an Ativan sometime before 6. Didn't feel anything, then about 45 minutes ago, I started freaking out and crying and now it feels like it's starting to kick in. The freak out before it kicked in is not a first time thing; several times I have taken them, I freaked out before they kicked in. What the hell is that all about?

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

Woke up at 2:45AM last night. Immediately I started to worry that I would get hot and wouldn't be able to fall asleep and sure enough I did not fall back asleep until about 5. I can't deal with this starting again. I have been sleeping really good lately. Why is this starting again? Now I am going to have to dread going to bed every night again that I won't sleep, which in turn will make me less likely to sleep because I will have myself so stressed out?

I was also nauseous and having cramping across my lower abdomen, lower back, and thighs. I was half-tempted to go to the ER. I have been nauseous and cramping all day, as well as feeling warm and cold. Was super sweaty when I got off my bike and cold as soon as I took my clothes off. What the hell is wrong with me?? It's like I am sick with a fever....minus the fever.

I was going to try to get an appointment with my usual gynecologist; I wouldn't be able to get in to see her until February. Tried to schedule an appointment with a mental health facility and 1) they don't take my insurance and 2) they're not taking any new patients. This is not the first time I have gotten the latter excuse. How are people supposed to fucking get help then?!

Ugh

I have been up since 5AM. I went to bed feeling kind of warm despite the house being 73 degrees and woke up feeling kind of warm and couldn't fall back asleep. I sweated a lot more than usual while exercising, then took my clothes off to get in the shower and was freezing. I hope to God this shit isn't starting again. After the experience in the bathroom last night, I am feeling super anxious as is. Now I feel even worse and my heart will not stop racing and I really don't want to have to resort to taking an Ativan, but I don't know if I can ride this out.

I am so over this hormone shit.

ETA 9:24PM: Frick, I feel like shit. All day I have been hot and cold, nauseous, cramping big time across my lower abdomen, into my right hip, across my lower back and down both of my thighs, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my heart won't stop racing, etc. I am so fucking anxious I just want to tear my brain out. I had to do everything in my power to keep it together in work, because any second I was about to come apart. I wanted so badly to take an Ativan but I am pretty sure I would have faceplanted my keyboard, because I could barely stay awake as it was.

I don't understand why I feel so horrible, although all I can think is PERIMENOPAUSE. I briefly thought OMG EBOLA on the way home from work and at that point I was about to run my car into a tree. I don't know why I said before I would rather have my mind focused on perimenopause than That Thing; I honestly don't know which is worse. They're both pretty terrible, to be honest.

And then my boss asked me today if I would be interested in doing any overtime. I wanted to scream. I didn't stay today, although I wouldn't have minded staying, but I was too damn anxious and feeling too shitty to stick around. But one of my coworkers told me that our manager made some comment that she doesn't care what goes on in the office as long as the work gets done, probably some kind of snide comment in reference to my other coworker bitching about my FWA. Nice, huh? So someone can use an hour plus of company time to talk to their fat mama- as long as the work gets done? Even if the work burden lands on someone else? And just because the work gets done DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS DONE CORRECTLY. But I guess you would know that if you had common sense. If I ever needed proof that my manager is a moron, here it is.

Ugh

While I was in work earlier, I went out for my 10 minute break and I wasn't feeling too hot and I started to feel weird and when I came back in, I went into the bathroom and sure enough, I was spotting blood. And then I started cramping across my lower abdomen, especially on the left side and down my left thigh. The bleeding pretty much stopped by the time I went to lunch, but the cramping continued and my heart and my head felt weird, so needless to say I felt pretty stressed the whole day, making my already terrible concentration levels even worse.

So, why not even make me feel even shittier? My FWA's mother called her multiple times during the day. Apparently the baby was having meltdowns (probably teething; of course her brat would have a much more dramatic teething than other babies. OF COURSE.) and her mother kept calling and calling and one of my coworkers started getting really pissed off and went in and said something to our manager. Well, she must have said something to my FWA because at some point my FWA complained to the coworker that the manager was really getting on her. And then said if she needs to be getting on anyone, it should be me. I almost hit the roof when my coworker told me that. How fucking dare her. Well, I am sorry that I am having problems right now that make my work output less than it should be. Yes, I am slow as fuck, I already know that. But unlike her my work isn't slacking because I am goofing off on the phone or the internet.

And I am sorry that I worry a little more about QUALITY than quantity. None have been brought to my attention yet with this work, but I don't doubt for a second that I have made mistakes in my work. But I doubt that I have ever missed an entire second half of a chart or completely missed parts of a report. Or missed multiple diagnostic tests.

I have met some shitty workers in the past, but none ever like her. I don't know where on earth this bitch gets that it's okay to come to work late every day, to come back from lunch late every day, to wear trashy clothes. Or thinks it's okay to take 10 to 15 (sometimes more) minute personal phone calls several times a day on company time. She bitches and bitches about the place constantly, but we all know why she is still there- because she knows she won't be able to pull this shit somewhere else. No other place will be stupid enough to put up with this shit. And you know what it is? People feel sorry for her. Why I will never understand.

I am so goddamn pissed off right now. I just want to go into work tomorrow and tear her white trash ass another hole- literally and figuratively.