I wish one of these days I could meet Imagine Dragons and tell them how much their music hits me right in the feels:
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Random Thoughts
I have such horrific PMS right now. I can't stand it. I am in such a horrible mood and physically I feel horrible. My body temperature feels out of whack, I am nauseous and bloated as hell, my breasts feel full and sore, I am still horny as fuck. The past 2 mornings I have woken up warm and slightly sweaty, so of course I am freaking out over that. Earlier in work I jammed up a paper shredder and in the midst of panicking that I broke it, I got really warm and sweaty, and then later on in the day I was talking with my coworkers and I started to get really hot. And then I did something earlier and started to feel really warm across my head and upper neck. My anxiety is so bad right now. I am trying so hard to not resort to taking an Ativan, but I think eventually I am going to cave.
I never got an answer yesterday at the eye doctor of why my eyes are bothering me so much lately, even though I mentioned it. And when I went to order my contacts online, I realized I couldn't understand the prescription. Damn horrible doctor handwriting.
I keep re-reading my entry from Sunday night and I am horrified at what I revealed. But I won't delete it, because I want it there to remind me of just how bad I have gotten and that I need help, although I don't even know if therapy and medicine could help a problem like that. And the bad thing is I keep returning to the eMedicinehealth article and re-reading it. I don't know why, but I can tell you one thing it's doing- it's somewhat lessening my anxiety of them. Which isn't a good sign, because that means That Thing could return at some point. And that is the LAST goddamn thing I need right now. It was a mental nightmare the last time it was around. With all of the things my mind is torturing me with right now, I don't think I could handle it returning.
I never got an answer yesterday at the eye doctor of why my eyes are bothering me so much lately, even though I mentioned it. And when I went to order my contacts online, I realized I couldn't understand the prescription. Damn horrible doctor handwriting.
I keep re-reading my entry from Sunday night and I am horrified at what I revealed. But I won't delete it, because I want it there to remind me of just how bad I have gotten and that I need help, although I don't even know if therapy and medicine could help a problem like that. And the bad thing is I keep returning to the eMedicinehealth article and re-reading it. I don't know why, but I can tell you one thing it's doing- it's somewhat lessening my anxiety of them. Which isn't a good sign, because that means That Thing could return at some point. And that is the LAST goddamn thing I need right now. It was a mental nightmare the last time it was around. With all of the things my mind is torturing me with right now, I don't think I could handle it returning.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Damn
I just heard "Monster" by Imagine Dragons for the first time. All I can say is WOW at the lyrics.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Random Thoughts
Speaking of giving someone an inch and them taking a mile, my brother-in-law is good for that. He decided a few months ago he was going to rejoin a band. And he has gigs basically every weekend. And the weekends my sister is at work, my mother has to babysit until she gets home from work while he jets off to his gigs for the night. My sister has been working a gang of Fridays and I think she works the next 2 and he is scheduled for gigs on those days and my mom has to basically stay for over 14 hours and babysit. And every Friday my sister isn't working, he is off. Coincidence? I think not. Sure, why not use your mother-in-law and then make snide comments about her behind her back? As long as you don't have to take care of your kid, right?
I don't know how my sister can even think of having another kid with him. Between her little patience with the kid and his no patience with the kid.....come on. Oh, and not to mention my BIL barely bathes most of the time and when he actually does, he uses the same washrag. Fucking hell, I don't know my sister could have even made the first baby with him!
"Emmylou" by First Aid Kit just popped up on my iTunes shuffle; I forgot how good this song was. It's a good song to sing along with. I hate that I don't have a great singing voice, because I love singing. I am not god awful or anything, but I am far from good.
I am so glad I am finally getting to go to the eye doctor tomorrow. Maybe I can get an answer why my eyes feel so dry and gritty and irritated, although my reasoning would be it's just another sign of perimenopause. I thought maybe it was due to having to change contact solution brands (I used to use Target's no rub solution, then for some reason they stopped selling it), but I bought new solution in the beginning of June and I don't recall my eyes bothering me until late July.
Sometimes I don't know if I hate Sundays or Mondays worse. I dread going into work. I can't stand having to worry about getting an email over some minute issue, like over fucking coffee. I can't stand that my manager will not wash the coffee pot after using it. I can't stand my FWA. I can't stand how my work productivity is suffering big time due to my allowing my mental issues to get out of control. I can't stand how I wish more mornings than not that a semi would come along and nail me and kill me, although my luck I would end up physically fucked up and not dead.
I spent probably close to 2 hours last night reading about paralysis and spinal cord injuries on eMedicinehealth.com. I don't know why. I just know when I finished reading about it, I just thought why did I just read about that? I could not answer myself, except that I am mental. It only ended up making my anxiety bad, since I alternate between being terrified of them and meh on them. Or almost wishing one would happen to me like 3 years ago and some time before that. What exactly do you think "that thing" was? "That thing" was exactly what it sounds like- I wanted to be paralyzed (paraplegic) and in a wheelchair. I can't explain why, because I honestly don't know why. But can you see why I would never admit it to anyone in person? Can you imagine the judging and criticizing that would come from it? I am not even sure if I ever got back in therapy, I would ever admit it to a therapist. It's pure torture not being able to admit to it. I don't want it right now, but I can't say for sure that it won't come back at some point again.
And after the Addison's fear ceased, I felt something similar to when my fear of having MS disappeared- anger and disappointment. If I am really not going through perimenopause and the perimenopause fear ever ceases, will I feel the same way?
I am getting too uncomfortably open in this post.
I am super, super embarrassed right now that I just admitted all of this. Can you see why I wish more days than not that I was dead? I mean, when you can no longer understand your own thoughts, it is a problem.
I don't know how my sister can even think of having another kid with him. Between her little patience with the kid and his no patience with the kid.....come on. Oh, and not to mention my BIL barely bathes most of the time and when he actually does, he uses the same washrag. Fucking hell, I don't know my sister could have even made the first baby with him!
"Emmylou" by First Aid Kit just popped up on my iTunes shuffle; I forgot how good this song was. It's a good song to sing along with. I hate that I don't have a great singing voice, because I love singing. I am not god awful or anything, but I am far from good.
I am so glad I am finally getting to go to the eye doctor tomorrow. Maybe I can get an answer why my eyes feel so dry and gritty and irritated, although my reasoning would be it's just another sign of perimenopause. I thought maybe it was due to having to change contact solution brands (I used to use Target's no rub solution, then for some reason they stopped selling it), but I bought new solution in the beginning of June and I don't recall my eyes bothering me until late July.
Sometimes I don't know if I hate Sundays or Mondays worse. I dread going into work. I can't stand having to worry about getting an email over some minute issue, like over fucking coffee. I can't stand that my manager will not wash the coffee pot after using it. I can't stand my FWA. I can't stand how my work productivity is suffering big time due to my allowing my mental issues to get out of control. I can't stand how I wish more mornings than not that a semi would come along and nail me and kill me, although my luck I would end up physically fucked up and not dead.
I spent probably close to 2 hours last night reading about paralysis and spinal cord injuries on eMedicinehealth.com. I don't know why. I just know when I finished reading about it, I just thought why did I just read about that? I could not answer myself, except that I am mental. It only ended up making my anxiety bad, since I alternate between being terrified of them and meh on them. Or almost wishing one would happen to me like 3 years ago and some time before that. What exactly do you think "that thing" was? "That thing" was exactly what it sounds like- I wanted to be paralyzed (paraplegic) and in a wheelchair. I can't explain why, because I honestly don't know why. But can you see why I would never admit it to anyone in person? Can you imagine the judging and criticizing that would come from it? I am not even sure if I ever got back in therapy, I would ever admit it to a therapist. It's pure torture not being able to admit to it. I don't want it right now, but I can't say for sure that it won't come back at some point again.
And after the Addison's fear ceased, I felt something similar to when my fear of having MS disappeared- anger and disappointment. If I am really not going through perimenopause and the perimenopause fear ever ceases, will I feel the same way?
I am getting too uncomfortably open in this post.
I am super, super embarrassed right now that I just admitted all of this. Can you see why I wish more days than not that I was dead? I mean, when you can no longer understand your own thoughts, it is a problem.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
The WTF Of The Day
Michael Anthony Kerr, Inmate With Schizophrenia, Died Of Thirst After 35 Days Of Solitary
But mental health care in this country is supposed to be better than it was back in the day, right?
There is no excuse for a person who is solely mentally ill to be in a prison. None whatsoever. Not that a psychiatric hospital may be much better, but it has to be a little more humane.
But mental health care in this country is supposed to be better than it was back in the day, right?
There is no excuse for a person who is solely mentally ill to be in a prison. None whatsoever. Not that a psychiatric hospital may be much better, but it has to be a little more humane.
Random Thoughts
Damn, I don't know if it's my impending period (WebMD is predicting it's going to rear its ugly head on October 2; I of course am sweating out it coming early or late....or not at all), but I am super hostile right now. Why do I have to get so miserable and nasty and feel so shitty before it comes? Of course, right now I am going to say it's perimenopause, especially now that all of these other weird symptoms are popping up to further convince me of it.
I haven't made any mention of the whole perimenopause to my family lately; they're probably thinking I am over it. Nothing could be further from the truth; I have just given up discussing it with them, because I feel like at this point I could walk into the house with a hatchet in my head and my left arm missing and my family would tell it's my anxiety.
It's really not the least bit funny. It's hurtful to stand there and say you really don't feel well and everyone just ignores and/or brushes you off.
One of my coworkers told us the other day that she was told by her doctor that she is going through menopause. She is about 6 years older than me. She also has a history of early menopause in her family. And unlike me, it doesn't bother her in the least.
And one of the things that annoys me the most when I break down over it, I get "well why does it bother you? you don't want kids anyway". What does that matter? So because I don't want kids I shouldn't have the normal womanly function of a monthly period? It would be one thing if I chose to induce early menopause, like with a hysterectomy or whatever, but for it to just occur on its own....no. I don't need my body to fail me in even more ways.
I am so goddamn frustrated with everything right now. And this shit in work with the covering the front desk is pissing me off. And it's pissing me off even more that I won't speak up about it, that I won't go to my boss and say "why do I have to be the only to do it?". Sometimes I think I have a sign above me that says "ATTENTION: this bitch is easily taken advantage of and will never stand up for herself" and people jump all over it like ugly on an ape.
Oh, and that little brazen bitch has been late every single damn day. I have been so damn rude to her since the other day. I can't stomach looking at her or hearing her annoying screechy voice.
Also, I thought once I was done what I suspected was ovulation time that I would stop being so damn horny. Not the case. I am still feeling ridiculously randy right now. ARGH!!!!
I haven't made any mention of the whole perimenopause to my family lately; they're probably thinking I am over it. Nothing could be further from the truth; I have just given up discussing it with them, because I feel like at this point I could walk into the house with a hatchet in my head and my left arm missing and my family would tell it's my anxiety.
It's really not the least bit funny. It's hurtful to stand there and say you really don't feel well and everyone just ignores and/or brushes you off.
One of my coworkers told us the other day that she was told by her doctor that she is going through menopause. She is about 6 years older than me. She also has a history of early menopause in her family. And unlike me, it doesn't bother her in the least.
And one of the things that annoys me the most when I break down over it, I get "well why does it bother you? you don't want kids anyway". What does that matter? So because I don't want kids I shouldn't have the normal womanly function of a monthly period? It would be one thing if I chose to induce early menopause, like with a hysterectomy or whatever, but for it to just occur on its own....no. I don't need my body to fail me in even more ways.
I am so goddamn frustrated with everything right now. And this shit in work with the covering the front desk is pissing me off. And it's pissing me off even more that I won't speak up about it, that I won't go to my boss and say "why do I have to be the only to do it?". Sometimes I think I have a sign above me that says "ATTENTION: this bitch is easily taken advantage of and will never stand up for herself" and people jump all over it like ugly on an ape.
Oh, and that little brazen bitch has been late every single damn day. I have been so damn rude to her since the other day. I can't stomach looking at her or hearing her annoying screechy voice.
Also, I thought once I was done what I suspected was ovulation time that I would stop being so damn horny. Not the case. I am still feeling ridiculously randy right now. ARGH!!!!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Give An Inch....
Yesterday in work, I went up to ask my FWA a question about something and before I even got the chance to ask it, I had to [not] listen to her bitch and moan about how when she doesn't get paid nearly enough to work with this one doctor who works out of our office every so often and oh it's okay for our boss to come into work late but she gets in trouble for being a little late but she leaves at 7 (BULL FUCKING SHIT) but there is construction work going on and what happened to the grace period (1) like everything else, you probably ruined it because YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF IT YOU STUPID BITCH and 2) you come in long past the grace period) and basically everything under the goddamn sun. Stuff I don't give one iota of fucks about.
And one of the things she bitched to me about was my boss's boss wanted to have a telephone conference with her about her attendance. Well they must have had the little meeting about it today, because I went out for a 10 minute break and came back into an email informing me that the little bitch's lunch break was extended it to an hour, so I have to sit up front for an hour now.
And then this is the best part of the email- she is to take her lunch at 2:05, which is when I generally come back from lunch and I am expected to go directly to her desk when I am finished with my lunch break, basically as a reminder to her that she needs to go to lunch. So now not only am I to cover her while she is going for lunch, I am now expected to be her fucking babysitter as well? Fuck that shit. My boss needs to take several thousand seats.
So do you know what I am going to do? The email said I have to sit up there for an hour and that is exactly what I am going to do. Once the hour passes, I will log back out and go back to my desk. I don't care if my logging out delays her even further from clocking in. Not my fucking problem.
And just as I expected, she clocked out at 2:06 and didn't come back until 3:10. I swear to God, the next time I hear her whine that she doesn't get away with shit, I am going to grab a staple remover and shank her mildew smelling white trash ass with it.
And one of the things she bitched to me about was my boss's boss wanted to have a telephone conference with her about her attendance. Well they must have had the little meeting about it today, because I went out for a 10 minute break and came back into an email informing me that the little bitch's lunch break was extended it to an hour, so I have to sit up front for an hour now.
And then this is the best part of the email- she is to take her lunch at 2:05, which is when I generally come back from lunch and I am expected to go directly to her desk when I am finished with my lunch break, basically as a reminder to her that she needs to go to lunch. So now not only am I to cover her while she is going for lunch, I am now expected to be her fucking babysitter as well? Fuck that shit. My boss needs to take several thousand seats.
So do you know what I am going to do? The email said I have to sit up there for an hour and that is exactly what I am going to do. Once the hour passes, I will log back out and go back to my desk. I don't care if my logging out delays her even further from clocking in. Not my fucking problem.
And just as I expected, she clocked out at 2:06 and didn't come back until 3:10. I swear to God, the next time I hear her whine that she doesn't get away with shit, I am going to grab a staple remover and shank her mildew smelling white trash ass with it.
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