Watching Christmas in July on QVC again. I want every single one of those Landies Candies pretzels in my mouth right now. Sweet and salty sounds extra heavenly right now.
Also, I think the hostess is on steroids. JFC those arms!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Ugh
I woke up all itchy across my upper back. I feel hot right now. I feel gross down below. And now I just saw a commercial for some new menopause drug.
I can't fucking take this anymore.
ETA 5:57PM: I have had itching down below today that is driving me mad. I was nauseous all day. And I am pretty sure my bladder is leaking every so often and I am really starting to get upset. I also feel like someone is squeezing my urethra every so often.
I got an email from my boss's boss today that she has to see what the workload is to see if my being out would put them behind. I would have cackled had I not been so pissed. Me put them behind? With my itty bitty workload? That is a joke. If the bitchy at home worker being out didn't put us behind, I certainly won't. This is ridiculous. I cried the whole drive home.
I can't fucking take this anymore.
ETA 5:57PM: I have had itching down below today that is driving me mad. I was nauseous all day. And I am pretty sure my bladder is leaking every so often and I am really starting to get upset. I also feel like someone is squeezing my urethra every so often.
I got an email from my boss's boss today that she has to see what the workload is to see if my being out would put them behind. I would have cackled had I not been so pissed. Me put them behind? With my itty bitty workload? That is a joke. If the bitchy at home worker being out didn't put us behind, I certainly won't. This is ridiculous. I cried the whole drive home.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Random Thoughts
I never did get a response from my boss's boss today. I did hear something that is giving me a little bit of hope, though. Whether it will happen or not is a horse of another color.
I felt awful today. I felt chilled to the bone and my chest was burning like it typically does before my period comes and I felt like throwing up. My breasts feel super heavy when I squeeze them. I hope these are all signs of my period coming. You know, so it can come and then have to go through the whole cycle of worrying about it coming early, never coming, bleeding at the middle of my cycle, etc. UGH. I was surprised I only bled for a few hours this month at the middle of my cycle and then it pretty much ceased. Not sure if that is a good sign or a bad sign.
The fight I got into with my mother the other night was about the whole worrying about early menopause thing. Everyone gets mad because I don't listen. I don't understand that logic of thinking. Do they not think I want to believe them? I want so desperately to believe I am not going through early menopause but I can't shake it off that I am. And it doesn't help to go through lists of perimenopause symptoms and can find a significant amount of symptoms that you have. It also doesn't help when you are starting to see a significant amount of advertising for menopause or keep coming across charts in work with medical records of women going through menopause.
Of course, I may just be noticing it more because it's on my mind ALL OF THE GODDAMN TIME. I remember back when I was afraid I had MS, it was popping up everywhere. I was constantly finding it in books or hearing about it in one way or another. Never once seen anything for Addison's, though. It never popped up in books or heard anything about it on TV or movies. I guess maybe because it's such a rare disease, I don't know.
All I know is I am so tired of worrying I am going through early menopause and just want to go to the damn doctor already. And I am getting really stressed out over the worrying about leaking. I feel so nasty down below now and I don't even want to go near people. I am constantly worrying that one of these days my bladder is going to just empty and I am worried going to bed that I am going to wet the bed. I can't stand it. And I don't think being anxious is helping it by any means.
I am also starting to try to find any things I have experienced in the past as possible indications of the start of early menopause.
On another note, I went to the dentist today. And I had one cavity. GODDAMMIT.
I felt awful today. I felt chilled to the bone and my chest was burning like it typically does before my period comes and I felt like throwing up. My breasts feel super heavy when I squeeze them. I hope these are all signs of my period coming. You know, so it can come and then have to go through the whole cycle of worrying about it coming early, never coming, bleeding at the middle of my cycle, etc. UGH. I was surprised I only bled for a few hours this month at the middle of my cycle and then it pretty much ceased. Not sure if that is a good sign or a bad sign.
The fight I got into with my mother the other night was about the whole worrying about early menopause thing. Everyone gets mad because I don't listen. I don't understand that logic of thinking. Do they not think I want to believe them? I want so desperately to believe I am not going through early menopause but I can't shake it off that I am. And it doesn't help to go through lists of perimenopause symptoms and can find a significant amount of symptoms that you have. It also doesn't help when you are starting to see a significant amount of advertising for menopause or keep coming across charts in work with medical records of women going through menopause.
Of course, I may just be noticing it more because it's on my mind ALL OF THE GODDAMN TIME. I remember back when I was afraid I had MS, it was popping up everywhere. I was constantly finding it in books or hearing about it in one way or another. Never once seen anything for Addison's, though. It never popped up in books or heard anything about it on TV or movies. I guess maybe because it's such a rare disease, I don't know.
All I know is I am so tired of worrying I am going through early menopause and just want to go to the damn doctor already. And I am getting really stressed out over the worrying about leaking. I feel so nasty down below now and I don't even want to go near people. I am constantly worrying that one of these days my bladder is going to just empty and I am worried going to bed that I am going to wet the bed. I can't stand it. And I don't think being anxious is helping it by any means.
I am also starting to try to find any things I have experienced in the past as possible indications of the start of early menopause.
On another note, I went to the dentist today. And I had one cavity. GODDAMMIT.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
What Is My Life?
Sitting here watching Christmas in July on QVC. I feel worst depressed now.
I really want those Germack Flavors of the Holidays jars.
I really want those Germack Flavors of the Holidays jars.
Dafuq
@whoisMGMT pspoem works best when sung with 90s grunge voice or like axel rose
— MMGGMMTT (@whoisMGMT) July 29, 2014
Did Andrew really just tweet at himself?
The owner of that Tartlr page I visit/make digs at has repeatedly made remarks of Andrew not being the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to technology. I would believe it.
And speaking of making digs, that girl is one obnoxious little snot. And then when she ends up upsetting people who comment on her page, it's OMG I AM SO SORRY I WAS JUST BEING SARCASTIC. Take the hint, honey. YOU SUCK AT SARCASM.
FML
It's only Tuesday and I already am done with this week. Between not sleeping well, worrying about early menopause, probable PMS, and the fight I got into with my mother last night, I am drained. I am also having sporadic itching down below. My heart keeps fluttering
and feeling like it's skipping beats, especially when I first get in the
shower. Not helping matters by any means. I keep running through a list in my head of all the horrible things I have done, the stupid things I have done, all of the times I have been nasty to people, etc and feel horribly overwhelmingly guilty about everything.
So, why not add something else to the miserable cesspool, right? As you know, I have been [im]patiently waiting for my manager to give me an answer for next week. Today I go into work to an email that my manager is going to be out for at least the next 2 weeks. And for any PTO requests to contact her supervisor. So I send an email to her supervisor explaining the situation and whether it would be okay for me to put in for those 3 days. I get an email back that no, she cannot approve it one other person is out that week and the office will be short staffed. The other employee and I don't even do the same job.
My coworkers pushed me to write her back and fight it. I did write her back, but it was towards the end of the day so there hadn't been a response yet. I am sick to my stomach what she is going to write back. My coworkers also are pushing me to call out. Of course, a lot of them all have no fucks given attitudes and said to me "what are they going to do, write you up? Big deal!". I myself can't have that attitude. I'll feel like absolute shit if I get written up or worse, fired.
And I would be lucky enough to either get fired or written up and then fired. Oh sure, my FWA's friend was written up an infinite number of times and it took them almost 4 years to fire her.
If I knew I could get an excused absence somehow, I would have no problem calling out. Frankly, at the rate I am going I won't need to worry about getting an excused absence, because I am going to end up either at the doctor's or the ED from being so overwhelmed.
I have no idea what I am going to do. I wish I would have just stuck to my guns and didn't say anything and just called out. But as usual, I can never do anything right. Ever.
So, why not add something else to the miserable cesspool, right? As you know, I have been [im]patiently waiting for my manager to give me an answer for next week. Today I go into work to an email that my manager is going to be out for at least the next 2 weeks. And for any PTO requests to contact her supervisor. So I send an email to her supervisor explaining the situation and whether it would be okay for me to put in for those 3 days. I get an email back that no, she cannot approve it one other person is out that week and the office will be short staffed. The other employee and I don't even do the same job.
My coworkers pushed me to write her back and fight it. I did write her back, but it was towards the end of the day so there hadn't been a response yet. I am sick to my stomach what she is going to write back. My coworkers also are pushing me to call out. Of course, a lot of them all have no fucks given attitudes and said to me "what are they going to do, write you up? Big deal!". I myself can't have that attitude. I'll feel like absolute shit if I get written up or worse, fired.
And I would be lucky enough to either get fired or written up and then fired. Oh sure, my FWA's friend was written up an infinite number of times and it took them almost 4 years to fire her.
If I knew I could get an excused absence somehow, I would have no problem calling out. Frankly, at the rate I am going I won't need to worry about getting an excused absence, because I am going to end up either at the doctor's or the ED from being so overwhelmed.
I have no idea what I am going to do. I wish I would have just stuck to my guns and didn't say anything and just called out. But as usual, I can never do anything right. Ever.
The Awesome Of The Day
The new @ChipsAhoy BLIZZARD Treat is your perfect summertime love! #LOVEmyDQ pic.twitter.com/HeuzkIcPrg
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) July 28, 2014
I will definitely be trying this. On another note, I am raging right now with the passion of a fiery billion suns, but more on that later.
Monday, July 28, 2014
NOPE X Infinity
Ebola, Spreading in Africa, Could Land in US
JFC that is the scariest thing I have read in I don't even know how long. It's so terrifying that every time I try to fathom just how scary it could be, my brain shorts out. I am going to be having repressed nightmares of The Hot Zone again.
If I ever hear ONE story of ebola being here, I am never leaving the house again.
JFC that is the scariest thing I have read in I don't even know how long. It's so terrifying that every time I try to fathom just how scary it could be, my brain shorts out. I am going to be having repressed nightmares of The Hot Zone again.
If I ever hear ONE story of ebola being here, I am never leaving the house again.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Fuck This
I am such a snotty wet faced mess right now and I am hot, which is only making everything a hundred times worse. And you would think I would take into consideration that being such an emotional basket case would be a good sign, that it may be PMS and my period will be coming, but no. Instead, I discovered that PMS can apparently worsen during perimenopause, so I am taking that into consideration instead as yet another sign.
I just want an answer. I just want the shit to stop.
I don't know in the hell I am going to make it through the work week. I don't know in the hell I am going to get through anything. All I know is I would like to go to bed and never wake up.
ETA 7/28/14: I am lucky if I got 4 hours of sleep last night. Between the nasty storm we got (holy fuck, the lightening was INSANE; I could see the brightness of it with my eyes closed) and my head, I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 3. I don't understand what in the hell it is about Sunday nights. I worry about this all of the damn time, so why is it only Sunday nights I end up with bad insomnia? I woke up with puffed up eyelids and had bags that had their own bags under my eyes. My eyes were so swollen, I couldn't even get my contacts in. I looked like hell. Well, I always look like hell, but I looked like super hell this morning.
I wanted to call out so bad but I sucked it up and went in. I am not my FWA, you know.
And not trying to sound like an attention seeker, but you know what isn't helping? Getting the silent treatment from my mother or my sister ignoring my texts. I swear, for people who claim they worry so much about me all of the time, I can't help but wonder if anyone would really give a damn if something happened to me.
Yesterday I was going through the pack of coupons we got in the Sunday paper and there was a coupon for $1.00 off 2 packs of Kotex pads, which I use. I ripped it out and then thought, oh shit, like I am really going to buy pads ahead of time now? The last time I purchased pads, I bought 2 packs and when I got out to my car, I cursed myself for buying so many. All I could think was, great, now what if you don't get it ever again after this period?
And then in work earlier, I was organizing a chart and out of curiosity, I started to read through the person's report. And she was at the doctor for.....atrophic vaginitis. The other day, another one was at her doctor because she felt she was going through the change. I just about fucking lost both times. These kinds of medical records have nothing to even do with our doctors! And they both just had to be there for me to see!
8:11PM: Didn't feel like watching Futurama (it was a newer episode and one of the ones where Bender is super obnoxious) and didn't feel like watching Full House (although I don't know why I put it on anymore when my commercial is no longer on) so I put TV Land on to see if Roseanne is still playing at night and there is a commercial on for Estroven. FML.
I just want an answer. I just want the shit to stop.
I don't know in the hell I am going to make it through the work week. I don't know in the hell I am going to get through anything. All I know is I would like to go to bed and never wake up.
ETA 7/28/14: I am lucky if I got 4 hours of sleep last night. Between the nasty storm we got (holy fuck, the lightening was INSANE; I could see the brightness of it with my eyes closed) and my head, I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 3. I don't understand what in the hell it is about Sunday nights. I worry about this all of the damn time, so why is it only Sunday nights I end up with bad insomnia? I woke up with puffed up eyelids and had bags that had their own bags under my eyes. My eyes were so swollen, I couldn't even get my contacts in. I looked like hell. Well, I always look like hell, but I looked like super hell this morning.
I wanted to call out so bad but I sucked it up and went in. I am not my FWA, you know.
And not trying to sound like an attention seeker, but you know what isn't helping? Getting the silent treatment from my mother or my sister ignoring my texts. I swear, for people who claim they worry so much about me all of the time, I can't help but wonder if anyone would really give a damn if something happened to me.
Yesterday I was going through the pack of coupons we got in the Sunday paper and there was a coupon for $1.00 off 2 packs of Kotex pads, which I use. I ripped it out and then thought, oh shit, like I am really going to buy pads ahead of time now? The last time I purchased pads, I bought 2 packs and when I got out to my car, I cursed myself for buying so many. All I could think was, great, now what if you don't get it ever again after this period?
And then in work earlier, I was organizing a chart and out of curiosity, I started to read through the person's report. And she was at the doctor for.....atrophic vaginitis. The other day, another one was at her doctor because she felt she was going through the change. I just about fucking lost both times. These kinds of medical records have nothing to even do with our doctors! And they both just had to be there for me to see!
8:11PM: Didn't feel like watching Futurama (it was a newer episode and one of the ones where Bender is super obnoxious) and didn't feel like watching Full House (although I don't know why I put it on anymore when my commercial is no longer on) so I put TV Land on to see if Roseanne is still playing at night and there is a commercial on for Estroven. FML.
Random Thoughts
Going back to the list of why I think I am going through menopause, add in:
1) I am losing my hair like crazy
2) my nails are growing like crazy but are weak as shit and I have "stepmothers" galore
3) my hands get red and swollen, particularly in the heat and after coffee
Folks, I am about to lose my mind with this. I don't know what to do. I need an answer and if I don't get one soon I am going to completely break down. And at the same time I am terrified to get one.
I said before there aren't any compulsions to go along with this, aside from watching my cycle, but that turned out to be a lie. Oh there is. A few, in fact. One involves pulling the round mirror off of the wall and looking at myself down below, despite having no idea what to even look for. The second involves going into the bathroom and sticking my finger up inside to see if I feel dry, which frankly I don't even know if you can. The third involves going into the bathroom and checking to see if my underwear is in fact wet or my imagination and if they possibly smell of pee. I am developing a side obsession that my bladder is leaking and I am getting paranoid that I might smell or something and I am starting to try to avoid being around people because I am so worried about it. All of these are turning into several times a day ordeals.
I am sick and tired of looking at myself down below. I don't like how I look down below. Thanks to my sick mind, all of the Google image pictures I have seen made me even more self-conscious about my own vaginal area and how ugly I think it is, although there were some pretty fucking hideous vadges as well that made me feel better about my own. Honestly, I think the fact that I find my own vaginal area hideous is one of the reasons why I still have my virginity.
And now my period is expected by the end of the week. This should be a fun week. Especially if it does not come when it's expected to come because 1) then I'll start fretting that it is not going to come and a sure sign I am going through menopause and 2) if it comes late then that means I'll have it if I go down the shore and it means I'll probably have it for vacation next month and if there is one thing I hate about my period it is having it during vacation.
The weeks are just becoming bad period. Trying to get through an 8 hour shift is starting to become a real struggle. I just want to lay my head down and cry. Or go to sleep, because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. Mostly I just want to go home and climb into bed and go to sleep just to shut my mind off. I was asked to do 2 days of overtime last week and the first thing I thought was great, how in the hell am I going to do that when I am barely making it through 8 hour shifts without breaking down? Somehow I managed to do it.
I think my work is really starting to suffer, though. I can't concentrate for shit. I can read something 5, 6 times in a row and still not comprehend what I read. And I can't stop repeatedly checking my work because I am so worried about making mistakes, although I don't know why when no one else seems to give a shit about making mistakes.
I also haven't gotten any word yet about the few days I asked to have off, so I am getting even more stressed out. I don't know what I will do if it gets rejected.
There is talk of severe weather later today. Here comes another healthy dose of stress.
"Gold" just popped up on my iTunes shuffle. Goddamn it I like that guy's voice. I can't believe I have only listened to it 105 times since I downloaded it in March.
1) I am losing my hair like crazy
2) my nails are growing like crazy but are weak as shit and I have "stepmothers" galore
3) my hands get red and swollen, particularly in the heat and after coffee
Folks, I am about to lose my mind with this. I don't know what to do. I need an answer and if I don't get one soon I am going to completely break down. And at the same time I am terrified to get one.
I said before there aren't any compulsions to go along with this, aside from watching my cycle, but that turned out to be a lie. Oh there is. A few, in fact. One involves pulling the round mirror off of the wall and looking at myself down below, despite having no idea what to even look for. The second involves going into the bathroom and sticking my finger up inside to see if I feel dry, which frankly I don't even know if you can. The third involves going into the bathroom and checking to see if my underwear is in fact wet or my imagination and if they possibly smell of pee. I am developing a side obsession that my bladder is leaking and I am getting paranoid that I might smell or something and I am starting to try to avoid being around people because I am so worried about it. All of these are turning into several times a day ordeals.
I am sick and tired of looking at myself down below. I don't like how I look down below. Thanks to my sick mind, all of the Google image pictures I have seen made me even more self-conscious about my own vaginal area and how ugly I think it is, although there were some pretty fucking hideous vadges as well that made me feel better about my own. Honestly, I think the fact that I find my own vaginal area hideous is one of the reasons why I still have my virginity.
And now my period is expected by the end of the week. This should be a fun week. Especially if it does not come when it's expected to come because 1) then I'll start fretting that it is not going to come and a sure sign I am going through menopause and 2) if it comes late then that means I'll have it if I go down the shore and it means I'll probably have it for vacation next month and if there is one thing I hate about my period it is having it during vacation.
The weeks are just becoming bad period. Trying to get through an 8 hour shift is starting to become a real struggle. I just want to lay my head down and cry. Or go to sleep, because I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. Mostly I just want to go home and climb into bed and go to sleep just to shut my mind off. I was asked to do 2 days of overtime last week and the first thing I thought was great, how in the hell am I going to do that when I am barely making it through 8 hour shifts without breaking down? Somehow I managed to do it.
I think my work is really starting to suffer, though. I can't concentrate for shit. I can read something 5, 6 times in a row and still not comprehend what I read. And I can't stop repeatedly checking my work because I am so worried about making mistakes, although I don't know why when no one else seems to give a shit about making mistakes.
I also haven't gotten any word yet about the few days I asked to have off, so I am getting even more stressed out. I don't know what I will do if it gets rejected.
There is talk of severe weather later today. Here comes another healthy dose of stress.
"Gold" just popped up on my iTunes shuffle. Goddamn it I like that guy's voice. I can't believe I have only listened to it 105 times since I downloaded it in March.
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