Random New Years Thoughts

So 2012 will be over in less than 2 hours. These years just keep flying by. I am sitting here, depressed that the holiday season is almost officially over and thinking how it is a year until the next one and OMG that just seems so long, but honestly, it will be here before I know it. October will be here and Christmas stuff will start popping up. And it will be Halloween. And I can finally give my niece or nephew their first Halloween gift that I have had sitting in my closet since October. It was such a cute toy I couldn't pass it up. Then it will be Thanksgiving. And then the holiday season will officially begin. And then comes my 30th birthday.

Winter is not even over yet and I am already dreading the spring and summer months with severe weather. I don't know how people can live in tornado-prone areas. We are not prone to them and I am a wreck when the warm months come around. And judging by the past two years, now I have to dread a hurricane coming again. Or superstorm. Or frankenstorm. Whatever.

Normally on New Years Eve, we go to dinner and to the movies. We only went to dinner. We went to Longhorn. I told my mom we should do call ahead seating and she insisted no we will be fine, not realizing last year when we went and it was empty it was because it was New Years Eve eve. We ended up having to wait about 40 minutes, which was about the estimated time I was giving when I asked. My dad starts complaining loudly and the lady sitting next to me on the bench kept looking over at him. I felt like climbing under a table. And other than telling the waitress I wanted no lettuce, tomato, pickles or onions on my burger and it came out with pickles, dinner was good. I finally had the piece of cheesecake I have been dying for, although nothing still beats cheesecake from a diner. Two of my local diners make the best cheesecake.

Speaking of embarrassing, one time we went to Popeyes and my dad tells the cashier he doesn't want any cajun on his food. I was like you fucking kidding me. It's Popeyes. Louisiana Kitchen.

Man, I could go for some Popeyes right now.

I don't want midnight to come. I am afraid how I am going to react. I don't really want to talk to anyone at midnight. I am pretty angry with my aunt. She told me a couple Sundays ago that we would do something for my birthday. I just brushed it off as her usual big plans that she never goes through with. On my birthday, she asks me if I decided where I wanted to eat yet. I was surprised and thought gee, maybe she is actually going to go through with her plans for once. Haven't heard anymore about it though. I really shouldn't be surprised. But that doesn't make the hurt and disappointment any less. I am so tired of people. I really am.

Oh and I didn't take my birth control pill tonight. I already feel overwhelmingly guilty going off of it. I am also having doubts, like oh what if the weight gain was only temporary.

My sister's baby shower is in 2 weeks. We still have numerous people who have not RSVP'd, even though we asked to do so by December 28th. Why is it so difficult for people to RSVP? You pick up the phone and say I am coming or not coming. It's not that difficult. And then one of my cousins calls and asks if she can bring her tween daughter. What the hell, people? It wouldn't be so bad if 1) this wasn't a pay per head shower and 2) her daughter wasn't a miserable little snot who doesn't even acknowledge my sister. Does she even know who my sister is?

And the best part of my Facebook status asking people to RSVP.....my FWA leaves a comment "your sister is pregnant?". Because I didn't announce it or like any ultrasound pictures or tons of pictures of my doggy niece stealing my sister's pregnancy pillow or anything.

Oh, and how could I forget? Somewhere in 2013, MGMT's third album should hopefully be released. And maybe they will go on tour and come to my area. *squeals* Oh god I hope so!

ETA 2:07PM: Still hardly any RSVPs, despite my FB post about calling ASAP. I swear, I am related to some of the dumbest and/or rudest asses on earth. And the annoyance at some of the people who are not coming. See, Mom? This is why it is pointless to bend over backwards to attend everyone's parties. And now she is starting to finally realize that.

I am not sure going off of the pill was such a good idea. I am such an emotional wreck right now. I keep crying. I had bad indigestion last night, which may have not really had anything to do with it. I had horrible insomnia. My breasts are even more sore. My heartburn is flaring up worse. I had a hard time going to sleep, then I woke up at a little before 6AM, could not fall back asleep, burst into tears over not being able to sleep, finally started to doze off after 7AM....and my phone vibrates loudly. Burst into tears again. Eventually finally fall back asleep. It didn't occur to me until this morning that I wasn't having much trouble sleeping since I started the birth control. I woke back up around 11AM and felt like a complete zombie. My head felt so fuzzy. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep for the next couple weeks.

Reading people's experiences of quitting birth control are scaring the hell out of me. So many people have seemed to GAIN weight after going off of them, although most seem like they have been on the pill for many years and it seems to be a lot of Yasmin users. I have only taking 21 days worth of pills, so I honestly don't know how much that could affect someone, although if these symptoms I am having are from stopping it, then it's a little scary. But I find it a little hard to believe that by me not taking the pill last night, I could start experiencing withdrawal effects already. But what so I know? What I do know is I am really not keen on staying on these pills. Taking man made hormones just seems very unsafe.

I can't even describe the feeling in my head right now. All I know is it is so insufferable, I wish I could get away from myself.

Random Thoughts

I am at my wits end with these pills. I don't want to be on them anymore. I am so bloated I can barely breathe. I finally broke down and took Milk of Magnesia on Saturday. It did indeed work. Yet I am still unbelievably bloated. My lower abdomen is distended. I keep having night sweats in the middle of the night. I wake up soaked, kick the covers off, and in no time I am freezing. I put the covers back on and am soaked again. I have unbearable heartburn and I keep getting nauseous. I keep breaking down in tears for no reason. I am more depressed than usual. My breasts are starting to hurt more and I think my bras are getting snugger. I don't want bigger boobs!

Even with the Milk of Magnesia, the scale was still bouncing between 125 and 126 pounds. I want to cry. I don't know if it is just because I am so bloated or what. I was already beyond what could be considered normal of worrying about gaining weight before I went on these pills. If I stay on them, I think I am finally going to develop a full blown eating disorder. And I do not want that.

And to top it off....I am still spotting. Now I know it wasn't something that would disappear overnight, but I still want to know why it was happening. If it is a hormonal imbalancement, there could be a number of causes. Wouldn't it help to find out what may have caused it? If it is something that has a particular treatment, it needs to be brought to light. Although I very highly doubt it, what if it is my thyroid? Birth control won't help my thyroid.

What have I done to myself? What have I done to my body in this quest to be thin? What has it done for me? I am still just as insecure and miserable as I was before I lost weight. I might have a little bit more confidence, but not much more. I still want to walk around with a bag over my head. I am so beyond fed up with being miserable. I want to go back to 2005 and make sure I never quit Effexor cold turkey. I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't do that.

I also need to buy a new pair of earbuds. When we were out shopping a couple Sundays ago, one of my earbud speakers blew. I am beyond tired of this happening. If I could get a pair that lasts at least one year, it would be a miracle. My last pair were Sony. I think they made it to ten months. And I made sure I took really good care of them. And they still died on me. I didn't even get a warning. Most of my past sets of earbuds started acting funny when a speaker was going to blow. I need a pair that can handle very heavy usage.

Song Of The Day

I used to love singing this song in elementary school:



At least I'll have a niece or nephew to sing this with eventually. Man, sometimes I really miss being a kid. Christmas time in elementary school was so much fun. Elementary school was about the last time in my life I recall being happy.

The Bitch, Please Of The Day

Anne Hathaway: Seeing Myself in Les Miserables Makes Me Cry

Aye carumba:

"I was in such a state of deprivation -- physical and emotional,"
"When I got home, I couldn't react to the chaos of the world without being overwhelmed. It took me weeks till I felt like myself again." 

Man, she's really desperate for that Oscar, isn't she? Anne, you weren't a prisoner of war. You weren't a hostage. You weren't fighting a war in a violent country. You weren't in a concentration camp. You were in a movie. My God, could you be anymore histrionic?

And of course you were in a state of deprivation. You starved yourself for the role. If I was some starving child in Africa and read your woe is me I suffered and starved myself for a role, I would laugh until I threw up. Or dry heaved, seeing as I wouldn't have anything to throw up.

I never used to have a problem with Anne Hathaway. In fact, I think I used to actually like her as an actress. But then one time she was talking about how she had depression and anxiety and I can't even remember what it was she said about it, but it pissed me off to no end. And she has just rubbed me the wrong way since then. My sister doesn't like her, either. And she doesn't really know why she doesn't. Bride Wars didn't help my opinion of Anne. She was insufferable in that. So was Kate Hudson, another one I have come to find insufferable for some unknown reason. Come to think of it, that whole movie was just insufferable.

Kind of like with Zooey Deschanel. I had a girl crush on her since I saw the The New Guy in the movie theater (yeah I know it's such a stupid and ridiculous movie, but I love it. I laugh every time I watch it). But over the past couple years she has gotten insufferable. The twee hipster act is annoying. I see clips of that New Girl show and I honestly don't understand how anyone can watch it. She is so fucking annoying! I hate saying that about her, because every movie I have seen her in, I have pretty much loved her. But now, I just can't even watch anything with her.

And apparently I am the only person on earth who thinks she actually looked better as a blonde. That new hairdo looks like a rat's nest.

Random Thoughts

Well, another Christmas over. And I have my usual post-Christmas blues. I am also feeling unusually blue about my birthday being over also. Not really sure why. Maybe because I am turning 30 next year and am not looking forward to it. I am not upset because I am getting older. That is inevitable. It's going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I am not happy with where my life is. If I went back in time to my senior year of high school and was asked to guess where I would be in life at 29 years old, my guess would have been nowhere near reality. And it depresses the hell out of me. Which makes the act of changing a million times harder.

I mentioned I went out on Saturday with my sister and brother-in-law for my birthday. Sunday I went to dinner with my parents, but didn't do anything else. Christmas Eve we did our usual going over my grandparent's. That got a little screwed up at first. My sister and brother-in-law came over about 6PM to head over with us and my sister was upset because earlier in the day she had had water running down her leg at one point and she was afraid her water had broken. Now this is where it gets odd and a little irritating. My sister has been a nervous wreck pretty much her entire pregnancy of something going wrong. If she doesn't feel the baby moving, she gets upset. She would not even tell anyone she was pregnant for the longest time until she was past a certain point. And not the usual point people wait (six weeks, is it?). Long, LONG after that point. And when she said something to her husband about the water, he told her she was fine. She who works with pregnant women and worries about every little thing, but decides to listen to her husband. Eventually she gets herself so worked up that he finally agrees to take her to the hospital. She was fine, of course, but I can't wrap my mind around the whole situation.

And that is one of the things that really aggravates me about my brother-in-law sometimes. He just brushes everything off all the time like it's nothing. Okay, so maybe everyone in my family has the tendency to worry a little too much, but having such a laid back and stubborn mentality can be a bad thing too. Like his stubbornness of not pulling over to let someone else drive when he can't stay awake. Or his blatant disregard for cellphone laws.

And what is it about a pregnancy that everyone just loses their freaking minds? Every time we are around family or whatever, people are so fucking weird with the things they say and do. My grandmother says she talks to the baby every day. I just.....I can't with that. And people talk to the baby in the womb, which in itself isn't too odd I guess, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even think if I was pregnant I could bring myself to talk to it. It certainly would hear a lot of music, though. That is about the only thing that makes me sad about not ever being pregnant- I have always wanted to play music for my unborn child. It's kind of sad that that is about the only thing I am upset about. I talked to the ultrasound picture once, though. A day when my sister was being exceptionally bitchy and everyone in my family was being obnoxious, I picked up the picture when I was home alone and said "I feel sorry for you".

And the whole blame the baby for everything, from farting to cravings.....*eye roll*

But anyway, eventually they joined us at the g-rents, we ate, had my cake, blah blah blah. Christmas day, everyone came over our house. Same thing, everyone ate, blah blah blah. I ate way too much and I have about 4 days worth of bad food just sitting in my intestines and making me bloated and miserable and I can't go to the bathroom for anything. Two of those days involved corn, which is making everything a million times worse. I am tempted to take Milk of Magnesia, but I am really trying to just let this bad bout of constipation run its course and resolve itself.

Sorry. And in continuing with TMI, I appear to be spotting again. I am not quite sure how long it would take for birth control to stop it, but I am not quite sure how long I want to stay on these pills. My breasts are sore, I am still getting nausea, and I am getting increasingly moody and emotional. On Christmas Eve, I was doing a 15 minute bike ride and while I was on it, I had Too Cute on and it cut to a commercial break and this commercial came on for the Humane Society and I was getting increasingly emotional with each animal being shown and then they showed this clip of a guy running in the snow with a club at a seal and I was like what the hell is he doing OMFG he is going to club that seal to death and I lost it. I sobbed almost the entire 15 minutes. And I could not stop. Didn't help when towards the end of the commercial they show a white seal up close and it was just so damn adorable, especially when it blinked its big black eyes. That scene of the guy running at the seal has been haunting me since then. I can't stand feeling so emotional, but damn, this is about the closest to feeling human I have felt in a long time.

I'd like to kick that guy to the ground and start hitting him with a club. Not kill him, of course, because I am not a monster like him, but beat him and see how he likes it.

I love Too Cute. I am one big pile of squeeing mush when I watch it.

After the CT shooting, there was that big controversy over that Kesha song. I think the whole thing was ridiculous. I don't even like Kesha, so it pains me to defend her. It's a harmless song.The song was out long before the shooting happened. Who gives a shit if she was bragging about the lyrics before the shooting? Did the word "before" lose its meaning or something? It was before the shooting. Before! Before! Before! But I was on a webpage with an article discussing the whole situation and someone that I follow on posts (big MGMT fan) posted a comment slamming the song and its message. Something about glamorizing partying and dying young. Something probably millions of artists have written and sang about before. But then something occurred to me. And I started laughing. Um, may I remind her of this:

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision
To live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Hahahahahaha I can't with this. I have to go listen to the song now. As will you:

Song Of The Day

Old school MGMT:

An Angry Letter To Seth MacFarlane

Dear Mr. MacFarlane:

Stop. My God (no pun intended)....just stop.

And enough with the Meg jokes. I know you don't know when to end a joke, but the whole pick on Meg schtick stopped being funny about 3 seasons ago.

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

Random Thoughts

Since the CT shooting, there is still repeated talks of better mental health awareness, that the stigma needs to stop so people will be more willing to get treatment. And yet some of the shit I see on the internet, the stigma is getting worse and worse. I've seen people say that either come right out and say or passive-aggressively imply that all mentally ill people are dangerous. I've seen people say that mentally ill people should be rounded up and put into Hunger Games like situations. Yeah, this kind of stuff is really going to persuade someone who already feels like a leper for being mentally ill want to get help.

I'm so tired of the stereotype that mentally ill people are dangerous. Are all dangerous people mentally disturbed? Probably. But not all mentally disturbed people are dangerous.

I will never understand how someone can take a life. I really don't. And so brutally too.

But onto a happier topic....it's my birthday! Yay!*

*not really

Facebook was sucko when I went on. I had two notifications, and received one while I was scrolling through. And speaking of scrolling, have I ever mentioned how much I hate infinite scroll? Normally I'd have a lot more notifications than that. I know it's only stupid Facebook and I shouldn't give a shit, but it's kind of depressing the hell out of me.

At least I had a decent day yesterday. I did go to see the Hobbit and luckily the theater wasn't real crowded. It was good, just as I expected. I just wish I could remember where in the hell my copy of the book is. I want to read it again. The previews before the movie were pretty stupid. I'd say 95% of them were about alien attacks and they were loud as shit. I can't with these loud ass movies anymore, and I can't with these apocalypse movies either. If it's not some shitty remake or sequel, it's an end of the world movie. Enough is enough. Find some news ideas already. But anyway, then I went to Chili's for dinner. I love Chili's. They really have good chicken fingers. Of course I feel like crap from it. I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I still do. It was so good, though!

And on top of feeling crappy, those damn birth control pills are making me so nauseous! Last night I felt so sick I was about to go in and make myself throw up just to get rid of some of the nausea. At least when I got on the scale on Friday, I was still within my weight allowance (I was about 123 pounds. And pretty bloated). But these pills are taking all of the fun out of eating because I am so worried about gaining weight. And I do notice I keep getting very emotional. I heard some story about a priest who was attacked and robbed the other night in Philly and it made me feel so bad I almost started to cry. Especially when someone said that the priest had tears pouring down his face from being maced. He wasn't even necessarily crying, but I felt sympathetic tears. Might explain why I am feeling so depressed right now. I don't want to be on these damn pills!

Meh. I'll go make my day better by listening to my kings. That sounds like a good way to spend my birthday. Only thing that could make it better is if Andrew was one of my birthday gifts. And I would love for him to pop out of a cake looking just like this.

Song Of The Day

"The Fletcher Memorial Home" by Pink Floyd:



When I was down Myrtle Beach over the summer, I was in some music store on Barefoot Landing and the workers had Pink Floyd playing and this song happened to come on while I was in there and one of the workers turned it off. I protested loudly. He put it back on just for me. Don't ask me why I felt the need to tell this story. It was funny when it happened. And it's a great song.

To Possible Hell With This

I have no idea if it has anything to do with the Ortho-Cyclen, but my period seriously looks there is no end to it. By now it would have lightened up some. It has not. A little, but not like usual. And the beginning of it was unreal. I have never seen, um, clots like this before (I'm sorry.....sorry).

And I have been so emotional today! And nauseous. I cried for 10 minutes after getting out of the shower because I just felt so miserable. Stories on the news are making me cry. Things from my past are making me cry. Nothing at all is making me cry.

And sure I have eaten all day, but that didn't stop me from being dumb and getting on the scale. It was 127 pounds. Also don't know if that has anything to do with the pill. I could have just been swollen from lunch. It could just be my period holding fluid on me. It could just be the pill holding fluid on me. It could just be that I am pretty constipated. It could be a mixture of all of the above. I don't know. I'll take a pill tonight, but if I get on the scale tomorrow and there is a significant increase from my usual allowance (when I am going through bad bouts of constipation, I always have to allow an extra 3-4 pounds), then I don't know what I am going to.

I have felt so uncomfortable this week because I just do not like being on these pills. I don't like how the pill is just the solve all to everything. I don't even know if I have a hormonal imbalancement. Nothing was tested. So I am just thrown onto a drug that messes with my hormones and I don't even know if there is anything wrong with them. And if there is, then what caused it? Shouldn't the cause of it be found first? This is just masking the problem.