Friday, December 30, 2011
Random Thoughts
Doing good so far. The past two days I have had to, with much difficulty, restrain from taking my blood pressure so much. Normal was around five times a day, much more on a particularly bad day. Wednesday I took it three times. Thursday, I managed to cut down to two times. If I can get down to once a day, it would be great. It may be a long time before that happens though.
I have also not been spending as much time in front of the mirror. I still have to look whenever I go by one, though, and whenever I am watching TV, or just standing around, I start to find myself pulling my sleeves or pant legs up and looking over areas. Also another compulsion that I hope to diminish, but will probably not go away for a while.
While I would not want to resort to it, I have seriously considered applying for disability. Not as something for the rest of my life like some people, but just until I can get this goddamn disorder under control. When I sit and think how much fixing I need, it seems like it would be something that would pretty much be a full time job. My mind needs a lot of fixing and until it gets fixed somewhat, there is not much I can really go forward with.
I can't finish school because the need to be absolutely perfect gets so overwhelming I end up getting stressed out and ultimately burned out. It should not be the end of the world to get less than 100% on my work. But to me it is. I have gotten 98% on exams and spent hours belittling and beating myself up over it. When I take tests or do homework, I have to check over my answers repeatedly to make sure I didn't fill in or circle the wrong answer and even after 5 or more times of going over them, I still feel less than confident when I am handing them in.
Relationships? Completely out of the question right now. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low, that being in a relationship with me would be a complete and utter nightmare. All I would do is question why the person is with me and that I am not good enough for him and it would just be one big tumultuous mountain of insecurity. And the fact that I just turned 28 years old and have yet to ever have a relationship, first kiss, or sex just makes my insecurity even worse. I dread my first relationship because having to admit that all is going to be extremely embarrassing. I hope to God I find someone who will be understanding enough of it.
But back to the disability, it's certainly not something I would do, but it would leave me to be able to focus completely on getting myself back together. And I would certainly not be on it forever. The only problem is that it takes so fucking long to get an answer!
And you know what the funny part is? SSD takes their good old time approving or denying applicants, but when they demand medical records, they want them yesterday. I did records requests at my old job and used to get requests from the state and hand to God, within a week of the first request letter, a second request letter would come demanding to know where the records are. They take like 400 years to respond to applicants! What's the big rush?!
I don't understand government workers. Why in the hell does it take them so goddamn long to do anything? The last time I went to the 7th level of hell known as the DMV, it took so long for the fat ass bitch to take my picture and give me my new license, I was about to climb over the counter and do the damn job myself. It would have taken me 1/3 of the time.
On to a new subject- New Years Eve is coming up. Huzzah. I am not excited by any means. I dread when that fucking ball drops, because I just know I am going to end up in tears like pretty much every other New Years, with the exception of last year when I was apparently going through some kind of manic phase. I don't even bother with resolutions anymore. Well, last year I made one to floss my teeth more. But none of the exercise more or lose weight or anything like that. I faithfully work out 5 days a week and I have already lost the weight I needed to.
My sister is semi-friends with a former co-worker who is apparently going to be on some upcoming weight loss show. And this person told my sister what they do to lose weight and my jaw almost hit the floor when she told me what they do. It is so unbelievably unhealthy. When are people going to learn that rapid weight loss generally always leads to weight gain? Not that you can't gain it even losing slowly, but this show's methods are just unsafe. It's amazing no one ever drops dead on those shows with the methods they use. You can't starve your body.
Do you know how long it has taken me to lose 60 pounds? Four years. Four freaking years. I started in April of 2007 and I don't think it was until about March or April of this year, maybe a little before that, when I finally saw that scale hit 120 pounds for the first time. It's been a long, extremely slow weight loss and so far I have been doing okay with maintaining. It does take work, though. A lot of work. We have candy and cookies galore in the house and I can't tell you how bad I just want to sit down and plow through it all. And this year, I finally discovered the genius behind ham on snowflake rolls and a monster has been created. It's soooo good!
I have also not been spending as much time in front of the mirror. I still have to look whenever I go by one, though, and whenever I am watching TV, or just standing around, I start to find myself pulling my sleeves or pant legs up and looking over areas. Also another compulsion that I hope to diminish, but will probably not go away for a while.
While I would not want to resort to it, I have seriously considered applying for disability. Not as something for the rest of my life like some people, but just until I can get this goddamn disorder under control. When I sit and think how much fixing I need, it seems like it would be something that would pretty much be a full time job. My mind needs a lot of fixing and until it gets fixed somewhat, there is not much I can really go forward with.
I can't finish school because the need to be absolutely perfect gets so overwhelming I end up getting stressed out and ultimately burned out. It should not be the end of the world to get less than 100% on my work. But to me it is. I have gotten 98% on exams and spent hours belittling and beating myself up over it. When I take tests or do homework, I have to check over my answers repeatedly to make sure I didn't fill in or circle the wrong answer and even after 5 or more times of going over them, I still feel less than confident when I am handing them in.
Relationships? Completely out of the question right now. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low, that being in a relationship with me would be a complete and utter nightmare. All I would do is question why the person is with me and that I am not good enough for him and it would just be one big tumultuous mountain of insecurity. And the fact that I just turned 28 years old and have yet to ever have a relationship, first kiss, or sex just makes my insecurity even worse. I dread my first relationship because having to admit that all is going to be extremely embarrassing. I hope to God I find someone who will be understanding enough of it.
But back to the disability, it's certainly not something I would do, but it would leave me to be able to focus completely on getting myself back together. And I would certainly not be on it forever. The only problem is that it takes so fucking long to get an answer!
And you know what the funny part is? SSD takes their good old time approving or denying applicants, but when they demand medical records, they want them yesterday. I did records requests at my old job and used to get requests from the state and hand to God, within a week of the first request letter, a second request letter would come demanding to know where the records are. They take like 400 years to respond to applicants! What's the big rush?!
I don't understand government workers. Why in the hell does it take them so goddamn long to do anything? The last time I went to the 7th level of hell known as the DMV, it took so long for the fat ass bitch to take my picture and give me my new license, I was about to climb over the counter and do the damn job myself. It would have taken me 1/3 of the time.
On to a new subject- New Years Eve is coming up. Huzzah. I am not excited by any means. I dread when that fucking ball drops, because I just know I am going to end up in tears like pretty much every other New Years, with the exception of last year when I was apparently going through some kind of manic phase. I don't even bother with resolutions anymore. Well, last year I made one to floss my teeth more. But none of the exercise more or lose weight or anything like that. I faithfully work out 5 days a week and I have already lost the weight I needed to.
My sister is semi-friends with a former co-worker who is apparently going to be on some upcoming weight loss show. And this person told my sister what they do to lose weight and my jaw almost hit the floor when she told me what they do. It is so unbelievably unhealthy. When are people going to learn that rapid weight loss generally always leads to weight gain? Not that you can't gain it even losing slowly, but this show's methods are just unsafe. It's amazing no one ever drops dead on those shows with the methods they use. You can't starve your body.
Do you know how long it has taken me to lose 60 pounds? Four years. Four freaking years. I started in April of 2007 and I don't think it was until about March or April of this year, maybe a little before that, when I finally saw that scale hit 120 pounds for the first time. It's been a long, extremely slow weight loss and so far I have been doing okay with maintaining. It does take work, though. A lot of work. We have candy and cookies galore in the house and I can't tell you how bad I just want to sit down and plow through it all. And this year, I finally discovered the genius behind ham on snowflake rolls and a monster has been created. It's soooo good!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Quote Of The Day
From "Godfellas", after Fry and Leela lock the monks in a laundry room:
Monk #2: [from laundry room] Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored.It's probably a lot funnier if you actually see the scene. I have seen this episode a hundred gazillion times, so I can play the scene in my head, and laugh my ass off.
Random Thoughts
Was everyone's Christmas good? Mine was low key as usual. Did the usual- go over the grandparents on Christmas Eve, stuff our faces and have my birthday cake, everyone comes over on Christmas, presents are exchanged, and everyone stuffs their faces even more.
I overate so much on Saturday and Sunday, and then my sister and I went shopping on Monday and we decided to pay Friendly's a visit for the first time in over 6 months (I think they have redeemed themselves, since I was still able to get the chicken parm supermelt, although they're still cheap with their ice cream and my clothes still stink ungodly of fried food when I leave), so that was another day of overating....I am afraid to get on the scale.
I will never EVER go shopping the day after Christmas again. Or at least to a mall. It was terrifying. We went to the Deptford Mall and it was packed to the gills with loud obnoxious kids and teenagers everywhere. Basically the stuff my worst nightmares are made of.
I made out okay for my birthday and Christmas, despite not having a list of any kind for either. It's getting increasingly aggravting every year not being able to come up with a list, but it's hard to come up with one when you don't want anything because clutter makes you anxious (I am the complete opposite of a hoarder; I don't even really own that much, but what I see when I look around my room is is basically equivalent to what the rest of the world sees on one of the many hoarding reality shows. It makes me so anxious, that I will literally spend hours dwelling over it. If I could take 98% of the stuff I own and get rid of it, I would. And I would be entirely happy not owning a lot) and the stuff you do need cannot be brought, and then I end up getting a bunch of things that I do really and truly like, but really have no use for. And I am always racked with way too much guilt over everything to ever return anything I get.
I'm kind of all over in this post, so now I am going to go on and on about my health. I am going to discuss this, despite the fact that I really and truly am worried about jinxing myself, but over the past few days I have actually felt a lot better than I have in a long time. And my blood pressure has actually been running a lot higher, but still normal than it has in a long time. And I am wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that I have stopped eating my usual Monday through Friday lunch of 2 yogurts. I have been off and on wondering if there may have been something in the yogurt that my body was reacting to. Although now I am hesitant on that, since I took my blood pressure at 9PM and it was 102/61. Which is still normal, but a lot lower than it has been running. It would be nice if a simple allergy was what was causing all of this trouble and not the dreaded Addison's disease that I am still fearful and worrying over.
I don't think I have ever brought this up, but whenever I go through one of these "disease crises", much of the reason I get upset over it is because if I were to actually be diagnosed with said disease, I would blame myself for developing it, even if nothing could be done to prevent it. I would sit and find every thing I did wrong (unhealthy diet, losing weight, whatever) as a possible cause for getting the disease. If I did actually have Addison's, I could write a list about a page long of all of the bad habits I have that I would believe had a hand in me getting it.
And I won't admit this out loud to anyone, but it's not even the actual disease I am afraid of as much as the treatment. I am terrified of steroids and the idea of going on them for pretty much ever terrifies the ever living shit out of me. Even though the steroids taken for Addison's disease are normally made naturally by the human body.
I overate so much on Saturday and Sunday, and then my sister and I went shopping on Monday and we decided to pay Friendly's a visit for the first time in over 6 months (I think they have redeemed themselves, since I was still able to get the chicken parm supermelt, although they're still cheap with their ice cream and my clothes still stink ungodly of fried food when I leave), so that was another day of overating....I am afraid to get on the scale.
I will never EVER go shopping the day after Christmas again. Or at least to a mall. It was terrifying. We went to the Deptford Mall and it was packed to the gills with loud obnoxious kids and teenagers everywhere. Basically the stuff my worst nightmares are made of.
I made out okay for my birthday and Christmas, despite not having a list of any kind for either. It's getting increasingly aggravting every year not being able to come up with a list, but it's hard to come up with one when you don't want anything because clutter makes you anxious (I am the complete opposite of a hoarder; I don't even really own that much, but what I see when I look around my room is is basically equivalent to what the rest of the world sees on one of the many hoarding reality shows. It makes me so anxious, that I will literally spend hours dwelling over it. If I could take 98% of the stuff I own and get rid of it, I would. And I would be entirely happy not owning a lot) and the stuff you do need cannot be brought, and then I end up getting a bunch of things that I do really and truly like, but really have no use for. And I am always racked with way too much guilt over everything to ever return anything I get.
I'm kind of all over in this post, so now I am going to go on and on about my health. I am going to discuss this, despite the fact that I really and truly am worried about jinxing myself, but over the past few days I have actually felt a lot better than I have in a long time. And my blood pressure has actually been running a lot higher, but still normal than it has in a long time. And I am wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that I have stopped eating my usual Monday through Friday lunch of 2 yogurts. I have been off and on wondering if there may have been something in the yogurt that my body was reacting to. Although now I am hesitant on that, since I took my blood pressure at 9PM and it was 102/61. Which is still normal, but a lot lower than it has been running. It would be nice if a simple allergy was what was causing all of this trouble and not the dreaded Addison's disease that I am still fearful and worrying over.
I don't think I have ever brought this up, but whenever I go through one of these "disease crises", much of the reason I get upset over it is because if I were to actually be diagnosed with said disease, I would blame myself for developing it, even if nothing could be done to prevent it. I would sit and find every thing I did wrong (unhealthy diet, losing weight, whatever) as a possible cause for getting the disease. If I did actually have Addison's, I could write a list about a page long of all of the bad habits I have that I would believe had a hand in me getting it.
And I won't admit this out loud to anyone, but it's not even the actual disease I am afraid of as much as the treatment. I am terrified of steroids and the idea of going on them for pretty much ever terrifies the ever living shit out of me. Even though the steroids taken for Addison's disease are normally made naturally by the human body.
The Bitch Please! Of The Day
Michelle Hickman, Mom Organizing Target International Nurse-In To Take Place December 28th
Wow, I guess you are showing Target, now, ain't you?!
I read part of this article and I couldn't even finish it because all I heard was WAHHHHHHH!
*face palm* Go find something truly important to whine about, you stupid nipple nazis.
Hey, sex is a natural part of life. Does that mean every time I see a hot guy and I want to push him on the floor, rip my clothes off, and screw him right in the middle of the store, I should do so? I've been repressed too damn long, dammit!
Wow, I guess you are showing Target, now, ain't you?!
I read part of this article and I couldn't even finish it because all I heard was WAHHHHHHH!
*face palm* Go find something truly important to whine about, you stupid nipple nazis.
Hey, sex is a natural part of life. Does that mean every time I see a hot guy and I want to push him on the floor, rip my clothes off, and screw him right in the middle of the store, I should do so? I've been repressed too damn long, dammit!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Video Of The Day 2
I feel horribly guilty admitting this, but I almost forgot that today would have been my friend's 28th birthday. I mentioned before that she was a huge Oasis fan and although I think it was Liam that she liked, I think of her every thing I hear this song:
I miss my friend. I really do. I still have text messages and her phone number programmed in my cell phone because I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.
I miss my friend. I really do. I still have text messages and her phone number programmed in my cell phone because I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.
Video Of The Day
I heard this song in a Charlotte Russe store one night (my sister is a big fan of that store, I don't shop there because, for some reason, I never can seem to fit into anything in there despite constantly seeing people much bigger than me shopping in there) and was never able to find out who sang it and thank god for Beavis & Butthead for finally giving me a name! It's kind of WTF, and very out of my normal realm of music to like, but....this song is fucking fun!
Lil Wayne gives me a nightmares. Doesn't he have like 100 baby mamas? He puts me in the mind of one of those people that is incredibly fertile. Like if a woman even so much as looks at him, they become pregnant. I feel the need to cover my lower abdomen.
Lil Wayne gives me a nightmares. Doesn't he have like 100 baby mamas? He puts me in the mind of one of those people that is incredibly fertile. Like if a woman even so much as looks at him, they become pregnant. I feel the need to cover my lower abdomen.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Quote Of The Day
From this cracked.com article, DOB on the War On Christmas:
Fuck you Bill O'Rielly, for ever starting this shit.
I think one year, in one town, in one store -- years ago -- employees were instructed to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." And we, as a nation, have been paying for it ever since.Ah, yes. The good ol' War On Christmas. I could think of a bazillion things that are taking Christ out of Christmas, yet somehow saying "Happy Holidays" seems to be the only thing.
Fuck you Bill O'Rielly, for ever starting this shit.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Random Thoughts
Update on my doctor's office visit. I was pretty much up front with my doctor on things and somehow managed to not end up in tears like I normally do, although I did come pretty close to it at one point. Of course, later on that night, I thought of a couple of things I wanted to discuss and forgot to. Whenever I go to the doctor's, I get so nervous and usually have so much running through my head, it's like every thought is trying to get through the door at once and gets stuck.
My doctor suggested checking my cortisol and aldosterone levels to rule out Addison's, much to my surprise, even though he highly doubted I had it. And not surprisingly, they did come back in range. I don't know what my aldosterone levels were yet, but I am still a little unsettled by my cortisol levels (9.4 ug/dl, normal range 2.3-19.4) . I would have liked to have seen them higher, but then again my blood was drawn at noon and supposedly the best time to draw is 8 or 9AM, when cortisol is at its highest. Since I am still not fully accepting of my results, and probably will not be for some time, I either have to just ride it out or push for further testing, but with my health insurance ending soon, I probably would not be able to do so. I mean, I could push for the test that can only be done by an endocrinologist, the ACTH stimulation or whatever it is called, but I think at this point if I decided to push further, I would just ask for my blood to be drawn early in the morning and see what my results are. If you look at graphs on the internet of what a normal cortisol rhythm looks like, and this one, it appears one of the biggest drops in levels occurs between early morning and noon. So maybe I am okay. I don't know. It's all a matter of convincing my scumbag brain of that. And there is also the trouble of my scumbag brain convincing me that if I let go of the fear and not worry anymore, I am jinxing myself.
I don't really want to have to resort to further testing. The last time I went through this, I pushed for an x-ray of my foot, was told it was normal, discovered that an x-ray would not show a stress fracture, pushed for a bone scan, only to be told that was normal as well. I am starting to get a bit tired of subjecting myself to testing that always ends up being unnecessary. And frankly, the ACTH test freaks me out. I prefer to not have to be injected with stuff.
So, if it's apparently not Addison's, and I certainly did/do not want it to be, I still have no answer why I feel so lousy. My blood pressure has constantly been running borderline low, and it seems more often than usual it has actually dropped below the hypotension level, usually the bottom number. Not a huge drop below, but enough to turn my anxiety up. Earlier I took my blood pressure and it was 87/66. I didn't really feel bad or anything, but it made me nervous. I am on that time of the month, which I am wondering if it has something to do with it. I have said before that I tend to get orthostatic hypotension right before it comes on, the worse always the day before it comes, and I had it kind of bad this time around. Nearly every time I stood up on Friday night from sitting, I felt like I was going to black out. It's such a scary feeling.
And not having an answer why is even scarier. What is going on in my body that has been making me feel so lousy? I don't understand what is going on. Someone suggested POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which could sound reasonable in that I have never actually seen my blood pressure drop but did have a heart rate increase upon standing, but I have never seen it increase by 30 bpms nor have I ever seen it go above 120. And like I said before, the heart rate increase could very well be due to my own anxiety, because I am starting to become very anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to pass out.
I still have yet to let go on the theory of this being a vitamin deficiency, and I was supposed to ask my doctor if I could possible have a B-12 count, but stupid me forgot to do so.
ETA: My aldosterone levels were 2.1 ng/dL, normal range from 0.0-30.0.
Yes, it's still normal, but it's still pretty damn low. Enough to make me feel even more unsettled.
My doctor suggested checking my cortisol and aldosterone levels to rule out Addison's, much to my surprise, even though he highly doubted I had it. And not surprisingly, they did come back in range. I don't know what my aldosterone levels were yet, but I am still a little unsettled by my cortisol levels (9.4 ug/dl, normal range 2.3-19.4) . I would have liked to have seen them higher, but then again my blood was drawn at noon and supposedly the best time to draw is 8 or 9AM, when cortisol is at its highest. Since I am still not fully accepting of my results, and probably will not be for some time, I either have to just ride it out or push for further testing, but with my health insurance ending soon, I probably would not be able to do so. I mean, I could push for the test that can only be done by an endocrinologist, the ACTH stimulation or whatever it is called, but I think at this point if I decided to push further, I would just ask for my blood to be drawn early in the morning and see what my results are. If you look at graphs on the internet of what a normal cortisol rhythm looks like, and this one, it appears one of the biggest drops in levels occurs between early morning and noon. So maybe I am okay. I don't know. It's all a matter of convincing my scumbag brain of that. And there is also the trouble of my scumbag brain convincing me that if I let go of the fear and not worry anymore, I am jinxing myself.
I don't really want to have to resort to further testing. The last time I went through this, I pushed for an x-ray of my foot, was told it was normal, discovered that an x-ray would not show a stress fracture, pushed for a bone scan, only to be told that was normal as well. I am starting to get a bit tired of subjecting myself to testing that always ends up being unnecessary. And frankly, the ACTH test freaks me out. I prefer to not have to be injected with stuff.
So, if it's apparently not Addison's, and I certainly did/do not want it to be, I still have no answer why I feel so lousy. My blood pressure has constantly been running borderline low, and it seems more often than usual it has actually dropped below the hypotension level, usually the bottom number. Not a huge drop below, but enough to turn my anxiety up. Earlier I took my blood pressure and it was 87/66. I didn't really feel bad or anything, but it made me nervous. I am on that time of the month, which I am wondering if it has something to do with it. I have said before that I tend to get orthostatic hypotension right before it comes on, the worse always the day before it comes, and I had it kind of bad this time around. Nearly every time I stood up on Friday night from sitting, I felt like I was going to black out. It's such a scary feeling.
And not having an answer why is even scarier. What is going on in my body that has been making me feel so lousy? I don't understand what is going on. Someone suggested POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which could sound reasonable in that I have never actually seen my blood pressure drop but did have a heart rate increase upon standing, but I have never seen it increase by 30 bpms nor have I ever seen it go above 120. And like I said before, the heart rate increase could very well be due to my own anxiety, because I am starting to become very anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to pass out.
I still have yet to let go on the theory of this being a vitamin deficiency, and I was supposed to ask my doctor if I could possible have a B-12 count, but stupid me forgot to do so.
ETA: My aldosterone levels were 2.1 ng/dL, normal range from 0.0-30.0.
Yes, it's still normal, but it's still pretty damn low. Enough to make me feel even more unsettled.
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