Random Thoughts

Pretty much the following day after my last post, the burning hunger feeling started creeping back in, and I ended up scheduling an appointment with my primary the next day. I got the expected GI referral, as well as two prescriptions, one for Carafate and one for Protonix. I have both in my possession but yet to take any. Because I'm terrified of the side effects.

The same day as my appointment, the burning hunger feeling and nausea started to become so unbearable that I finally caved and took a Pepcid. I've been taking two a day for the past week and haven't noticed any increased anxiety or aches, so I'm guessing maybe it was not the Pepcid causing that before. As for what was, I have no idea. It's not perfect but Pepcid does seem to keep a lot of the acid in check, although right now I'm not feeling too hot. Not to mention it seemed like the issues with constipation were going away but did not have any luck today.

I have an appointment with a GI in two weeks. I'm very anxious about it but also quite desperate to go. Although I'm scared what might result from it, I'm very much anxious to be scoped already.

Random Thoughts

I went to see my grandparents today. My grandmom is mega emotional and burst into tears as soon as we came in the door. I know they're both in their 90's, but sheesh seeing them look the way they do is tough.  Same with my parents, my furry niece, etc.

Getting old really freaking blows.

Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.

Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.

And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.

What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.

On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.) 

Random Thoughts

Back during the fall, I was feeling somewhat good. I was having less trouble with my digestive system, my mood was kind of well, really good. Of course I had the voice in the back of my head reminding me that what goes up must come down, and I knew ultimately a crash would come. And it appears that it has finally come. I am having a horrible OCD flare.

First things. My furry niece's cancer is back. My mom has to have back surgery again. My g-pop might possibly have cancer. 

On New Years Eve, I woke up with an extremely irritated throat and burning in my chest. I assumed it was a reflux flare or something, but the rest of the week my throat continued to be irritated and by the weekend I was coughing and congested. That Sunday night I lost my sense of smell and taste and it continued, so the next day I went to CVS to get something and then decided to go to the Minute Clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given my good old buddy doxycycline. By Wednesday I had started to feel somewhat better and my taste and smell were coming back. But the closer I got to the end of my prescription, I started to worry that everything would come back after I finished the prescription.

And let me remind you that whenever I have been diagnosed with a sinus infection, I always get terrible fearful that it's not going to go away and it's going to spread to my brain or blood. This time around I also had an area in my left lower gum bothering me that I was fearful was an abscess that was going to spread as well. Now I get anxious about a lot of things in life, but not much can surpass sepsis.

The good thing is, my prescription ended and I had no recurrence, just the typical digestive system mess antibiotics like to leave me with. But then this past Tuesday I started having this burning in my chest and esophagus. My throat is irritated and I have the worst taste coming from the same area. I keep getting this burning hunger feeling every so often. I'm belching more than often. My stomach and esophagus feel raw and irritated. I don't know if it's a bad acid reflux flare or what. Of course I know I'm never too young for cancer, especially with my reflux history and family history, but in the grand tradition of things, I tend to worry more about less serious illnesses. I'm more worried that it's H. pylori or an ulcer or both. I've been taking Pepcid which helps but not entirely. I'm afraid to eat for fear of how whatever I eat is going to affect me. I'm worried about vomiting. It has me such a big time mess.

If people could experience how I'm feeling right now, you'd completely understand why I want to put my foot up every person's ass who is all tee hee I like a clean house I'm so OCD tee hee!

Song Of The Day

Hmph

Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.

Random Thoughts

Another holiday season come and gone.  Another round of post-holiday blues that I know will eventually cease but is still a pretty rough ride to tough out.  And with the way things have been going, before I know it, I'll be in stores and saying holiday stuff already?

Considering how every little noise under the sun annoys me to the point of full blown aggravation, I've often wondered if I have misophonia.  And one of the noises that annoys me is hearing people cough.  And I just so happen to be lucky enough to work in a place where everyone and their fucking grandmother constantly coughs all day.  Between that and the sound of people collating, along with many other things, I am going to go fucking crazy one day.  And since New Year's Eve, I've had congestion, post-nasal drip, an irritated throat, and now an intermittent cough.  Do you know what it's like to be the source of one of your own trigger noises?  I'm absolutely getting on my own nerves hearing myself cough.  And I can't even escape it.   

Article Of The Day

Trump Ranks With Mother Teresa on Women’s Issues, Surrogate Claims

Article Of The Day

Angry Disney World Ranter Says Childless People Should Be Banned From The Theme Park

Aww, is someone angry because they secretly hate being a mother?

Song of the Day

Ever since hearing it driving to work one morning a few months back, I have been absolutely obsessed with this cover:

Random Thoughts

I was initially handling my FWA being out pretty well. Now I'm starting to feel panicky, especially looking at the amount of working slowly building up every day. It's not helping that records keep coming in that practically need their own zip code. In the past 2 weeks, we've had a 2 12-inch chart and an 11.25-inch chart come in. And this is on top of several 2+ inch charts that keep coming. Like what the fuck is going on with these people? And a lot of times, they have all these goddamn freaking records and their injury is something ridiculously minute, like they picked up something wrong.

And instead of just staying home and worrying about raising her crotch demon, the bitch has already been pumping people about the workload. She apparently figured it would get really bad while she was out. And the fact that it's starting to look that way is really grinding my gears and frustrating me to all holy hell that I can't just not care and pump out voluminous half-assed work like her.

And aside from being incredibly frustrated with myself, it also frustrates me how inexcusable this is. It's not like my FWA came in one day and said "I'm pregnant" and immediately went out on maternity leave. Oh no, not her. She made sure to let everyone know ASAP, so my manager had every goddamn right to better prepare for this. But then again this is the same person who gets annoyed that 2 of her employees are talking excessively and instead of coming out and telling them to shut the fuck up and get to work, she shuts her office door.